Friendless

It seems like the people I am good friends with are people I grew up with. I live in the same state I grew up in although many people have moved. We keep in touch on facebook and get together every now and then. Do you live near old school friends? At least with them, you already know each other.

Sounds like your friend is in an abusive relationship :(
She has a long hard road in front of her.
I hope I'm wrong.
But unless her family is toxic & abusive... And Beaux is just giving her the strength to stand on her own... Isolating a person from their family & friends is usually the 2nd or 3rd step in the abusers' handbook.

Why am I focusing on your friend?

Because 99:100 its not about you, at all.

Its about them.

Just like when YOU pull away from people, it usually has nothing to do with them. School, work, marriage, parenting, moves (geographically & socioeconomically)... These & others are all major life events that create changes in our schedules/ daily lives/ availability.

So... I won a personal bet with myself.

You know when most parents "look up" and realize they don't have friends?

When their youngest is 2 or 5.

Because we've been busy.

We might have a couple friendships we've maintained through infancy & toddler years... But most get so wrapped up in all the demands of family that its not until age 2 that we start having more time to ourselves, or age 5 when they're in school & we have "real" time... That we start wanting friends friends again. Not just play dates, or the occasional girls night... But the "it takes hundreds of hours, call any time, hugely devoted" friendships. Foundational friendships. Which take energy & time most parents of toddlers just don't have.

Am I saying this is really all your fault?

Nope.

Just a contributing factor.

Most likely, you were too busy to devote that time/effort into more than a couple people. Now... One of those people has gotten busy in her own life, and you're feeling the loss really keenly in your own life... Because you don't (currently) have other friendships to expand in the gap.

Don't worry.

If what you WANT is a confidant, close circle, large base... Whatever... You'll fill that gap now that you have time and energy to miss it.

i don't think there's any time of life that's harder on a woman's individuality than when she has young children.
don't get me wrong. it's an AWESOME stage. but it has significant challenges, and this is one of the biggies.
no, being a wife and mom is not all that matters. it is vitally important for women to have an identity and interests that stretch beyond familial ties and duties. hopefully this involves friendships, and it is often through these interests that friendships evolve.
a lot of friendships do come and go, but some last forever and some are closer than family.
the problem is that friendship is like romance, when you go looking for it you often feel and are perceived as desperate, which is a paradoxical turn-off.
i suggest you find time to pursue interests outside your immediate family. as people gravitate to you in that sphere, try to enjoy them with a light touch. don't have huge expectations and don't make too many rules about it (although i do agree that mean friends are not an option.) if you don't find any kindred spirits right away, make do with some casual laughter and occasional company.
sorry i'm not on your coast to share a latte and a hug!
khairete
S.

Finding good friends is like dating... you have to go through a ton of crappy ones to get to the good ones. It's more challenging when you are busy with a husband and kids and a life. But, it can be done. It can't be forced and has to happeh organically, though.

I have one or two people I know I could count on in a pinch, that I can cry to and I'm good with that. It took a long time to get there, though.

Keep putting yourself out there and be yourself. That's all you can do.

I'm thinking about what you said specifically about the fact that your old friend isn't even talking to her family. And then you ask what is wrong with you...

The answer, mom is NOTHING. The question is what is wrong with HER. She has let this man turn her into a different person. You can't do anything about it. She will either wake up after they're married and realize what she has done, or they will be two awful people who have nothing to do with good people. You cannot worry about this anymore.

The problem right now is that you are so busy with children. All your friendships probably revolve around moms who are as busy as you are.

Be patient and try to find friends in places other than where you normally go. If you don't have a church family, try that. Community college or library classes for adults are something to consider. You need to be able to take some time off from your kids to do these classes, but that's good for you regardless of whether or not you find a friend.

Good luck with this, Mom!
Dawn

What people don't realize is how extremely difficult it is at any age to find a true friend- someone that will stick by you through it all. True friends are rare indeed. Having said that, just know it's not you. Hang in there. You just never know when you will meet that friend so keep your heart open.

I feel for you. I have one true friend but she lives 6 states away so its hard. I have all kinds of friends but none that are true. I actually found that out the hard way. I am going through an awful time. Have lost a lot of loved ones in 3 years and my mom was just diagnosed with cancer. At first they would call or see me at my daughters school and ask how I was. But that was it. They no longer call or ask and I get the impression they really don't want to hear about it. That's when I knew I could not count on them. Sad thing is I see them everyday at drop off and pick up and I always think to myself do they even care how much pain I am in. How lonely I feel. How I would love someone to go out for a drink and just let it out. Ofcourse I have my husband but we are always with our daughter so we have happy faces on. I am so jealous of women who have best friends that are there and unconditional. I feel for you.....

Yes. At the end of the day family is what counts! But yes, we all do need a close friend who we can trust honor and be loyal too! It's hard! All of my friends who I thought were friends were not. I think I have found one true friend but I have a 3 year old n she is just working on starting her own and I am planning on a little brother or sister for our son, we text when we can, n chat when her and her hubby come visit n eat! Good luck something will give ;) just think positive

I'll be your friend if you want? I live close by and I am also friendless :(.
It sucks not to have someone to talk to and hang out with. I have been this way (friendless) since my son was born 4 years and 4 months.

Im sorry about your friend, I had a fall out with my "best friend" and you know what I am actually over it, cause if she could treat me the way she did then she was never my true friend. I have also lost a lot of my friends since my daughter diagnoses. I got tired of constantly reaching out but sometimes thats just what you got to do. I make contact every couple of weeks with some local moms that the kids hang out with to see if they want to hang out, but you just need keep trying eventually you will find someone who wants to hang out too.

I don't think there's anything wrong with you. I just think it's very difficult to find and make friends once you get older. It's not like it was when we were school kids.
I would say you need to be pro-active. Do you know some women that you would enjoy hanging out and spending time with? Host an evening at your home - wine tasting, scrap booking, movie night, something. At the end of the evening, if it went well, suggest doing it again next month. And then just let things naturally gravitate from there. Maybe there will be one person that you seem to click with more than the others, and you can ask her to join you for coffee or a morning walk and get to know her on a one-to-one basis. If you don't know any women, then maybe you should find a social setting - maybe join a church where you can meet more people. I guarantee you there are many women like you looking for friendship.
There's a lady at my church that I just adore, but I didn't really think we were that close. Well, she purposely volunteered for a position to work with me. And, after about 6 months, she told me how much she loved me (as a friend) and thanked me for being her friend and said she hadn't had a close friend since "Deb" moved away five years ago. I had no idea. no idea she valued me so much. no idea she considered us so close. no idea she needed a friend so badly. it just happened.
It'll happen for you too! Good luck and God bless!

You've been given some really great advice and I agree with the other moms that in regards to the friend that you mentioned, it sounds like it has nothing to do with you.

I have a few really great friends that I can count on one hand. Of those few, a couple of them are the wives of my husband's childhood friends (the others are women I've known since middle school), which is really wonderful because we all hang out together with our families and we also just do girls stuff occasionally. What are the wives like of your husband's friends? Any potential friendships there?