Friend's Son-- and His Summer Activity Conundrum?

Maybe he wasn't interested - then once he realized his buds were all going to day camp activities he changed his mind (??).

I wouldn't pull my son from the camps if he enjoys them, but if he wanted to take some days here and there and hang with this kid that would be fine with me (so long as that's what my son really does want to do).

Whoa, lol, my son would not stay home from his summer program to play with Johnny. Johhny will be bored and lonely because his mom dropped the ball, she had the same amount of time to plan as all the other parents.

Just becasue someone is nice doesn't mean they have great manners!

What would I do? I would totally not feel any responsibility for her bored son. (I'm not saying you are feeling this) If she had said that to me I would have smiled at her and said something like "Yeah, that's not going to happen. Good luck!".

Just a different perspective here.
I have a friend that works FT.
Her son and my son are very good friends.
Several times during the summer, her son will come here for the day to swim, hang out and do things with my son and the kids on my neighborhood.
Her son's summer camp is at the same facility where he attends after school care. But it's a 12 week summer camp, packed with swimming and trips and activities, theme weeks, etc. for which she pays the FT 4 or 5 day rate.

Guess what? If we invite him and if he's given the choice, her son always prefers to come here.

Why? Maybe for something different, maybe for a change of faces, a little more relaxed schedule, a chance to hang with a different group of friends...
She has no problem paying for that FT summer camp and letting him come here, say, every other Friday....

Sorry but I don't understand why it was so out of line that this mom asked and why so many responses are saying that she was out of line, I seriously must have missed something like maybe that she got nasty and rud to you when you told her no? Maybe I missed the part where she has asked several times and continues to hound you about it? Is she saying nasty things to the neighbors?

Sorry but I just don't see any reason for anyone to be upset, outraged or incredulous that she made the suggestion.

If she is a SAHM or a WAHM then why should she automatically be EXPECTED to put her kid in a summer camp. Also, honestly unless you handle all of her families finances you are really in NO position to say whether or not she can afford the camp...sorry but that is a huge pet peeve if mine.

If you don't want your son to miss his camp then that is fine and your right. Just don't get so uptight about another mom offering an option for now and then. My MIL wanted my daughter to pull out of an ENTIRE camp that I had already paid for and I simply said no. I was not offended though.

I find it funny that so many people find this to be a crazy request. This is a summer program we are talking about, yes a paid program, but really just a glorified babysitter for kids to go during the week while school is out.

You say you don't want him to miss anything, what is this anything they do? If there are certain days that hold special things then I can see not missing those days. A day here and there? Am I really so dense that I am missing something?

I have friends who's kids have to attend summer camp, mom and dad work, and they are to young to be left home alone, but if I called up and invited the kid over to spend the day with us. They wouldn't hesitate to let their child. Part of summer is hanging with friends, riding bikes, playing ball in the yard. A comfort that doesn't come from a summer program.

I attended them growing up, I had more fun at some of them then I did others, but the best parts of summer weren't the days I spent in camp. They were the unexpected days where I didn't have to attend.

Maybe she could not afford a summer program.
Since it is a voluntary summer program, not school, what would it hurt to let your son spend a day or so with his friend? Yes, you paid for the program - but, really?
My son always did summer programs because I work full time - but occasionally, he would "skip" a day for an outing with friends.
That is part of summer - hanging out with friends.

Don't assume this lady "dropped the ball". Obviously she had her reasons for not buying summer babysitting (umm camp). So what if she asked you? That's clearly her trying to make plans.

I have 3 kids and none of them are in camp. Sure would be nice to get them out of the house, but we don't have the extra 1500-2000 bucks to buy camps for all of them. Plus, it does not work out with my work schedule as I work very part time (but during most drop off times).

What should you do? Say "maybe, but Johnny really loves camp and he prob. will not want to miss, lets just plan on some playdates".

Just tell her laughingly "Sorry! No can do!".
You are not paying money for a program so your son can participate and then not go.
That's insane!
The only reason for your son to stay home is if he gets sick - and then he wouldn't feel up to playing with this other friend anyway.
Her lack of planning does not make an emergency for you.

That is the oddest request I have ever heard.

I can't imagine being that wedded to my 6 year old's paid activities and having a 6 year old that rigidly scheduled that he can't skip sometimes and hang out with his friend. I hung out with my friends all day during summers. Maybe that's what his mom hoped for. Just a natural summer of playing. So maybe she's just as outraged that mothers have to send their kids to structured programs all summer vs let them be and play with friends. Not sure you need to be this outraged. I've paid for activites for my kids and let them skip to play with friends bc the point is they have fun and be happy. So i let them pick which they'd find most fun. They're little kids.

I ask one of my friends to play hooky all the time.

I don't know what I would do in this situation, but I do know that this ist about this mom not thinking ahead. Some of us believe that such programming is robbing childhood from our kids. I doubt you see it this way, you blame her for not planning ahead, but sometimes kids don't need planning, they need to be kids.

Heck my kids were never signed up for summer programs, I think she worded it wrong. I think she would just like to take your son and her son out for a special outing. Nothing wrong with that. She did think ahead. He did not want to go. So why pay if kid not interested. Why are you being so hard on her. It is not your problem. So don't let your son have a day out if you do not want to. However, I think it would be fun for both kids.

I sign my kids up for activities, but not for the whole summer. Just as I think they would be bored if they didn't have some structure activities to attend, I also think they need some time to just play, relax and have fun. I know my kids have some friends who go to daycare all summer and I have many times offered to take those kids for the day, and the parents always take me up on my offer. I figured that although the parents had paid for them to attend daycare that the kids would be having more fun coming out with me and my kids for the day. I'm not doing it so my kids won't be bored.

Asking you to keep your son home to amuse hers is very strange! You shouldn't have been wishy-washy about it. If it comes up again, say No.

Mom2many, while there are summer-specific childcare services with an activity component, I think 'summer programs' as the OP is talking about are likely to be limited enrollment, curriculum, specialized skill or team based, and not remotely like babysitting. You can actually be booted from some programs for poor attendance.

That IS a new one!
My daughter also does not like to sign up for things. She has a lot of "I'm bored" moments during the summer and I always remind her, well you could be with your friends right now but you declined.
(And before anyone jumps down my throat this girl has PLENTY of time to play, explore, read, travel with family, be with me, be with friends, hang out at the pool, etc. so she's not suffering in any way, she just doesn't enjoy camps and other structured activities outside of school.)
Of course once the "I'm bored" moments start I'm like great, you can help me reorganize the pantry.
Suddenly she is bored no more :-)

hee!
i love how we have to take great care here on MP these days to assure everyone in advance that it's a MINOR ISSUE about which we'd just enjoy some feedback!
i'd be with you, publicly polite and smiling, and inwardly rolling my eyes. i'd say something along the lines of 'oh, my findlay so enjoys hanging out with your cedric! but he's also really excited about his summer camp, and we really don't plan on him missing a single day. have you checked the library for any summer programs they might have going on?'
i'll bet she'll plan better next year!
caveat- i don't think kids *need* summer camps one little bit, but parents SHOULD plan for fun activities and have a strong network of other families and friends with whom to share summer adventures if that's the case.
khairete
S.

I'd roll my eyes and make sure my son went to the camp he'd planned on attending if that's what he wants to do. Some kids love the routine of day camps and the friends they see there.

Listen, my son is six and has no sibs; he's got one week of soccer camp and that's it for scheduled activities besides tutoring. I knew going into it that it meant *more work for me* but we had to make some thoughtful decisions on how we would spend money for the summer activities we wanted for all of us as a family. Family time together and camping trips were a priority and they cost more for us due to our elderly cat needing extra care while we are gone. We are satisfied that, with our priorities as a whole family, we've made good decisions for ourselves and how we use our resources.

That said, I would NEVER ask someone else to hold their kid back from an activity/camp because my son was with me. Instead, I'm planning a balance of down time hanging out at home, playdates, and outings- both just us or bringing a friend along. I AM the camp counselor this summer, ha! :) (I've also organized day camps for kids this age, so this isn't a wholly new prospect-- keeping a six year old busy and happy.) So I do understand why you were a bit nonplussed at the request from the other mom. My reply would be "well, my son is really looking forward to this camp, and I'll email you when we get some windows of time for playdates" and leave it at that. I respect that my friends make plans for their kids and that they don't revolve around us!:)

ETA: Laurie A. I'm going to use some of your ideas! Thanks! (adding them into 'the repertoire' right now!)

I was going to suggest planning play dates or activities on weekends, until I read your SWH that you already do regularly have the kids get together. I would just tell her nice, but firm, "No, we've paid for the program, we intend for him to attend each day. I hope you'll sign Johnny up next year, since they always have a good time together. He would probably enjoy X camp too" I think it was pretty odd and kind or rude of her to even ask that of you. Perhaps her son has been really begging to see yours during camp time, and she just can't seem to tell him no.

OMG
Sure your son can miss a day of his summer activity, like if he were sick, but really? I would never ask that of anybody just because I didn't sign my child up for anything... wow, she's pretty ballsy

So what's wrong w/ the scheduled playdates and maybe getting together on random afternoons or weekends?

Shame on her. Honestly, if I were in your shoes, I would try to keep my kid as far away from this family as possible. Any spare time that your kid has away from his camp, keep him busy and away from this family. I don't care how nice they are. To impose such a request is just wrong and selfish in my opinion. You don't ask someone to accommodate to you just because you dropped the ball. She sounds like the type of parent who wants to push off her responsibilities on other people.

S.H., you seem like a very nice person. She is trying to take advantage of you. Her "niceness" is manipulation.

Just my 2 cents,

M

She should have signed him up. My mom never asked, except to give us choices. Do you want to go to This camp or that camp?.. It was never,
"Do you want to go to camp?"..

I guess she has learned her lesson.
Of course I would never pull my child out of an camp to entertain someone else's child. That is just weird.

She needs to get a calendar and plan some of their own outings.

Here in Austin. Wed is kids movie day at certain theaters Free Museum days used to be Thursdays.. I think it still is. And then my goodness she lives in Hawaii.. pick the days of the week to go and spend the day on the beach!..

Library, one day a week he plans dinner and gets to help prepare it once a week. .

I'd say "We won't pull him out of pre-paid care but I'm sure he'd love to do something in the evenings or weekends...just let us know and we'll pencil you in!"

I can't imagine not signing my kids up for things. I did that two summers ago when I had a 2 year old and an almost 5 year old. Boy did that summer drag on! There were several reasons why it worked out that way, but I vowed to never do that again!

I'm with you. The mom didn't think ahead. Hopefully she doesn't make the same mistake next year. And you're right. There is still time. But I'm sorry, the kid is 6. If you ask the kid, and he says he doesn't want to do it, you find one that doesn't meet every day or something. You don't just sign him up for nothing! He's 6! He doesn't understand the concept of summer vacation. It's long if you don't have an activity or camp!

My brother's kids are not signed up to do as much as my kids, but my SIL and I have both reflected that this seems to fit their personalities. Some kids want lots of activities, and some kids are more homebodies.

Just saying, kids are different. Still, nothing? I think I would go nuts!

ETA - Guess I didn't really answer your question. Does your son's program meet all day, every day? Because you could mention to her any days it doesn't meet or suggest an afternoon if it's a morning's only program. Also, if the schedule varies and you know ahead of time an activity that he' not really into, you could consider a play date instead. Saturdays?

I would have laughed and said to her "Well, I guess your son will learn the hard lesson that when he is offered a summer program next year, he will say yes! And friend, I think that maybe you might remember this next year and require your son to take a summer program..."

It sounds like she lets this boy run things in her home. I wonder why? Don't bail them out of their mistake here. Let them learn their lesson.

hmm to answer your question, i would be totally non committal.

Inside i would be incredulous if you had discussed your summer plans with her already and she STILL asked this.

i didnt hear her in person and don't know her history which i REALLY think is why you are so ...agast.
So as an outsider, from the rural midwest,
with the assumption that you guys are sahms or at least work from home or something so that childcare is not a necessity,----

my thoughts on summer camps are:
my son is 6 he maybe just finished his kinder year,
He is young and still likes to be with mom, I still want him around,
I don't want to be tied down to something everyday,
there would still be kids around to hang with in the neighborhood ( false assumption apparently)
and even if i have the money, why pay someone to watch my kid if i don't need to. there are plently of things to do all on our own.

in our area
the camps would be a week or so of this and a week or so of that, with breaks in between
unless you need the ymca daycare that is 7-6 m-f .
So we have baseball clinic one week,
swim lessons 2x a week for a month,
vbs in the mornings for a week,
a disney trip, and a local family reunion long weekend trip.
so knowing i want to do those things it would'nt have made sense for us to do a camp alll summer.

Personally my kids can be bored, it might even be good for them.

sounds like Mom and "johnny" are going to have a long summer if this is her attitude now.

She asked. You can say, "No, my son is scheduled to attend camp from x to x. He is available to play on x days at x time." My DD is in half day programs through June. She won't be skipping them for play dates. I would simply lay it out politely and then if she asks, remind her that your son is in camp til x time and they can play after that.

She can also join a Meet Up or look at park and rec programs or do whatever is available in your area. When my DD is not in camp, she will go to the pool, will see friends, will go to a park, run errands, visit family and stay home doing whatever. I do not need to entertain DD 24/7 and I was never in camps as a kid. I figured out what to do. But really, unless she asks what else he can do, it's not really your job to suggest it.

I would tell her that my son will be going to his program as planned and that he and her son can hang out when it's convenient for you..
Your son's activity appears to be theatre-oriented. If they're rehearsing a play, and he's not there, the others have to work around his empty space, and have to wait for him to get caught up on what he missed while he was out, That's not fair to them.

You might just play it by ear. I know my GD got tired of going to the summer program every day and asked to miss on occasion. I wouldn't set anything up, but if your son expresses a desire to skip a day, call her up and see if she wants to do a playdate that day.

This is taking up WAY too much time in your head. Just say "no, we planned and paid for this, but maybe they can get together another time," not "I have to see." You choose how you are going to respond. She is only asking. If you passively say "I have to see" you are just leaving yourself open for her to ask again. And it seems her asking you this REALLY bothers you so......

I wouldn't commit to anything, but I might think about it as an option if your son needs a break from summer camp. My kids were never in an everyday summer long program, but even a 2 days a week thing got old for them in summer. Or, just see them on weekends or after camp in the evenings.

A lot would depend on something you don't tell us: When you refer to this "summer program" that is morning to 2:00 weekdays -- is that all summer long, every week? Or two weeks, or four, or six?

If it's long, like six weeks or more, I might do one skip but only if you really want to and not because this woman can't think of ways to entertain her child. If there were some special event to attend with this other boy, and it was one-time-only, for instance...but otherwise, um, no, you are not there to lend your son out for entertainment value. And you point out that these boys are going to see each other over the summer anyway; it's not like your son's program is preventing the boys from meeting at all, ever!

Another thing: Some programs do have some kind of pattern that needs to be followed -- for instance, if it's the kind of program where the kids are working on something over the whole time (an ongoing craft or art project, a play where they need to work toward a final show, swimming that is supposed to improve over the summer, whatever). Then I would definitely say that my child needs to be there every day, because if he misses a day, he's missing a step in what he's supposed to be doing or learning or rehearsing.

But even if your son's program is not like that -- I would be leery of skipping unless there really was a reason. I'd have him skip in a heartbeat if, for instance, some old friends came from out of town for one day only or something like that. But this mom has overstepped a bit -- maybe not so much that she deserves the blasting that some posters on here are giving her. She might just have realized that she blew it and missed the chance to have her kid do anything, and in desperation she asked you this pretty intrusive thing. That isn't an excuse for her but it could be an explanation.

Did she say if she had even tried to get into the same program as your son, even at the last minute?

Tell her he can miss one day to play with his friend.

It's not really presumptuous in my opinion. If your sons enjoy one another, there's nothing wrong with asking if they could spend a day together. Would I hold my son out of a day of camp to have a play date? Probably.

We are not doing a summer program until August and one of his buddies goes all summer b/c both parents work in the summer. I am off for the month of July. I suggested to the mother that I would be willing to keep him for a day or two if that would be OK with her and she was THRILLED with the idea of him having a day "off" to go hang out with a friend.

My son loves hanging out with me, but at 5 and with a 1 year old sister, it's going to be a LONG month... a play date here and there would be welcomed!

I think you're being dramatic in saying "this takes the cake". If your son was in an intensive camp or attending summer school, then I would hesitate holding him out for a day, but for a summer camp? Let him have a buddy day!

I am going to play the other side here, so please have grace for my opinion.
I don't think this woman intended to be rude. I think by asking if he could miss the program, she was acknowledging that she knew you paid for it. Maybe she thought that by mentioning that her child was bored, she was giving you an excuse or reason to let your son miss (not putting her son's boredom off on you). I'm sure we've all told someone our kid is bored or sad or whatever as a comment - not becuase we expected that person to fix it. Also, we don't KNOW that she could afford to put her son (all her children) in a program, or that she could afford to at the time they had sign ups. Having multiple kids, I couldn't always afford to put mine in when sign ups began and some programs filled really fast so there weren't a lot of options. A couple of my kids don't like or want a program full time (they enjoy time at home), and there aren't very many programs that allow for part time or one/two day weekly enrollment. Having been in that situation, I might have asked someone the same question and wouldn't have meant anything derrogatory by it. I would guess that only that her child enjoys time with yours. Apologies if this sounds rude, but if I asked someone if their child could miss a couple days to spend time with mine and she reacted the way you did, I would feel humiliated and shamed, and be embarrassed to face them in the future, knowing that they thought so little of me.

i don't like camps. i think summer is for family time. fun times, not structured play or what not. this is the first year my kids will do some weeklong camps for 3 hrs a day. and i don't like it, but they asked and i obliged. i get what you're saying about this woman, but you're making it sound like oh em ggggg how come they are not doing summer camps? well, he didn't want to, and now he's bored. it happens. just say ye or nay and leave it at that.