Friend Question - Madison,WI

I always err on the side of caution. And, just because she knew when the event was doesn't mean she knew she and her child were invited. Since you didn't specifically invite her, then she didn't know she could attend.

This may come across as sounding harsh, so I apologize. I'm not trying to be mean, but I have to say it. When I read your post it really sounds like you guys (not the kids) are in middle school!! You're not going to be friends with all of your son's friend's moms. If your son is friends with this boy and he wants to invite the boy to the celebration then do it. If your son doesn't want to invite him then don't. Why are you so worried about this mother? You're right, you may not be that important to her. I'm sure you're important to plenty other people. Hang out with them.

I think you need to clean the air between the two of you. It may have just been how you worded it but what I got from your question was that you didn't invite her kids to your event and wonder why yours weren't invited to hers....

I think calling her or talking to her might make things more clear. Being the parent of your child's friend is still a relationship that needs to be fostered and allowed to grow. Otherwise it will effect the kids and they will end up being hurt.

I also am slightly confused about what the specific problem actually is. Does anybody send out invitations to other church members? Or is it just an open event. If you had something at your house, you should give an invitation. If it is just an open church event then no invitation necessary except to friends or family who are not church members.

From your lengthy description, I sense you have a tendency to over think social situations and make them more complicated than need be. If you want someone to attend, invite them. If they are too busy, they will make their own decision to decline. Don't try to figure out if you are bothering them by inviting them or insulting them by not inviting them. Leave that for them to worry about.

Your post and response sounds like the main issue here is that you still feel hurt by how this person treated you in the past. I think you have to make a decision about what form you want your relationship to take at this point, create a clear set of boundaries for yourself and them follow them without getting into a big second guessing session.

Please note that the end of your post says "Opinions?" but then you pounced on people for being harsh. I read all the responses and I don't see anyone flaming you or being overly harsh. They are just giving opinions which is what you requested. Being able to read and consider an opinion that is different from your own is a good thing. That is what makes this forum so useful even if ultimately you chose not to take that person's specific advice...it gives you "food for thought".

Per your SWH - Thanks, MH. I have to admit that you are a better woman than me - I had to STOP worrying about how this friend felt about anything, including if I might do anything to hurt feelings - it wasn't healthy for me to continue to care. It was a hard lesson to learn, that i care TOO much, and that made it so I couldn't get over my hurt, by continuing to care. I really recommend that you try to get to that place. It has been 3 years and I am just to that point. Stinks, really, letting someone like that make you feel THAT bad for SO long. That's why my advice to you is what it is.

This has also made me feel that anyone who is nasty to me doesn't deserve for me to care about them, ML. I'll try for a while, but when I really decide that this person is just toxic or a user or a poser, I cut my losses and walk away. I never want to get hurt that badly again, and not caring or putting up with ugly behavior from someone helps me with that. I don't think that happened with your friend, but coming to the place in my understanding has helped me cope with dealing with mean and cruel people. HTH!

Original:

I got to the part in your question about how she used to treat you as a real friend when you helped her out, and then when she didn't need you anymore, she changed the friendship "terms". I automatically thought, "Oh yeah, that's a user friend." I have only had two people in my life that qualified for that name. And actually, I don't think that one of them was really ever a friend - I just thought so at the time.

That's painful. Really painful. You did say that you have moved past that as much as possible. But M., I think that the reason you are second guessing yourself is because of this. Indeed, I think that the reason you are thinking about this AT ALL is because of the way she treated you.

And I get that.

With the person who I think was never really my friend, but used me and my husband for several years, ANYTHING to do with that person automatically puts my head there. It will never go away, and I will always second guess myself or that person's motives, no matter what. I cannot help it. You can't either.

Just put this out of your mind and try very hard not to care if you are there to celebrate her kids or if she is there to celebrate yours. And don't issue her invitations to anything. Quite frankly, she doesn't deserve it. You run in the same circles, so you will see each other at church and other places. Treat her as you would any other person, but not as a friend. It is better that way for you. That way she can't hurt you again.

That is my considered opinion, having been there and trying NOT to do that!!!

Dawn

This is a little confusing for me to follow (No criticism, it's probably me, Need more coffee or thyroid meds...) Anyway, if I understand the situation my thought is not to assume someone knows they are invited or can "show up". Some people aren't comfortable "crashing" a party, especially if time, circumstances, etc...have put some space between the two of you. She may have thought you didn't intend for her to come by not inviting her. In turn, I'm confused why you seem to be a little upset that you weren't invited to the event hosted by her as it sounds her actions were the same as yours.

So let me get this straight her kid and yours are friends. You've been closer and further from a good friend spot with her over time.

Well call me crazy but I don't care if it's my best friend if they don't invite me I'm not going to be so rude or presumptuous as to just show up. Sure the closer the friend they are the more likely I would to inquire straight forward, or maybe for less close drop hints... and not that good of friends not at all. I would NEVER invite myself to anyone's event. Even if I've attended all of a child's birthday party if when the child is 10 no one invites me I'm not going.

I think when you didn't invite her and she expected one she responded in kind by not inviting you. Sounds like it wasn't that great of a relationship in the first place and I'd personally feel like you started it if I were her so with that said I'd personally do something to state to her that you were surprised she didn't show up or that you missed her at that said event. Something nice to show it was an error on your behalf.

I mean people who show up who aren't invited are typically called party crashers and last I checked we all knew that wasn't a good thing. Just a thought.

First of all, you are a sweet heart to even worry about all this. It is always hard to know what to do and second guessing after the fact doesn't help anything other then know what you need to do next time or even now

You didn't get an email or invite to her child's event and assumed you weren't invited. You didn't send her one to your child's because you assumed she knew they were invited. You are on both sides of the coin here. Perhaps she thought you snubbed her and that she assumed you knew her child's event was open for you to come also. Next time I would send a invite, even if only in a email to everyone you would like to come so there isn't any confusion. I would also call her up and mention that you missed her at your child's event and hope she knows that you always will welcome her at these things. It can open up the conversation both ways on whether to expect an invite or not.

About friendships, sometimes it takes one person carrying the friendship to keep it alive. Other times it is the other person. I have a friend who lost a son almost 8 years ago. We weren't really close friends, more aquadiences until we started working together and all of us working became very close. I found she didn't have a lot of self esteem and she was hurting over her son's death. Then I lost my son 2 years ago. She was here every day, organizing and putting things away that came in, writing down everyone who came over or called, who brought what food, who sent flowers. She had a notebook that was so helpful when I was writing thank you letters. She kept everyone away when we met with the minister and seen to it I didn't have anything to do other then plan the funeral and greet people and if that was too much she visited with them, giving me much needed breaks with my granddaughter. She insisted I eat and adviced me to eat bananas each day to stay healthy as most moms get sick after losing a child from the germs of so many visitors. She is my angel on earth. Now we all can agree that you can't have a better friend than that. I know I can't hold a candle to what she has done for me and for others, but she doesn't see it that way, she still wonders if she is a good friend. Lately she has been going through some rough times and I try to pull her out of the depression by calling and trying to make plans. Something always happens and she cancels them. I can take it that she is done with the friendship but knowing how she is, I know she values my friendship and is just going through a lot. I know she also doesn't feel she is included unless we let her know over and over how much we enjoy her. I don't mind doing that, it is what she needs. How sad that you would give up a friendship because you don't feel she thinks of you as anything more then so and so's mother. Instead of ending it, make it a mission to become a real friendship and carry the friendship when you can. Chances are she needs it.

You never specify what the "event" is but I'm guessing here that it's something like first communion or confirmation or another one-time milestone in a child's religious life. Close enough?

Any church service or event is open to everyone (at least in most churches) and is announced beforehand and celebrated afterward. It is not an exclusive, invitation-only event. This was an event based on the children being in certain classes, as you note, so all parents of all kids knew about it. And she (and you) knew that group one of the kids this age were having their (communion, baptism, confirmation, whichever event) on Sunday X and group two was having it on Sunday Y.

So....why invitations and worrying about this almost as if it were a kids' birthday party and second guessing about who was or wasn't "invited"? It was a church event, open to all, known about by all, and anyone can choose to attend. Maybe there were separate receptions at homes afterward and that's what the invitations are all about? Other than that -- you're over-thinking this. Don't stress yourself about it. It's a religious ceremony, not a party or social event. Let it go and let her lack of response to the e-mail go. Maybe they were quite simply busy -- she said so herself. Why would you worry that "it wasn't really important to her that our kids celebrate and be there for each other"? That would have been nice, but why all this attention on it? Focus on the religious milestone achieved and next time you see the other little boy, be sure to congratulate him as well as her.

Sounds like you're over thinking the social situation. People's lives are too busy, if you want to invite someone invite them. Regarding the email you sent without a reply, wasn't she likely preparing for her child's event this weekend? Seems extreme to think just because a response hasn't been received yet means she doesn't deem the event important.