I have a wierd delima. A very sweet friend of mine gives my kids several little inexpensive toys and candy every time we get together (about 7 times a month). It is really her 6 year old daughter who does the giving, but obviously mom could say no and not purchase the toys in the first place. This is a problem for three reasons. One, my kids have plenty of toys. Two, they are often toys/snacks I would prefer my children not have (for example choking hazards -- my son is under two and still puts things in his mouth). Three, since the 6 year old thrusts the gifts into my kids' hands the minute we arrive, it' not as though I can politely say no thank you to the mom. I try to make the gifts disappear when we get home, but sometimes my kids remember them and ask for them. It's getting old telling my kids, "I'm sorry, but I can't let you have that because it isn't safe." It's not really fair to my kids to be constantly getting toys and then having them taken away.
So, any advice? Should I say something to the mom? If so, how should I say it? I REALLY don't want to upset her because she is a sweet person and doesn't mean any harm.
My MIL does this also. I simply told her that while I love that she loves my son and gives him such sweet little gifts, I don't want him to always expect a gift when he sees her (which he HAS come to do). You could also point out that he has so many wonderful things from her and her daughter and you don't want to impose or take advantage. This has helped some in curbing my MILs gift donations (not entirely, but it has gotten better).
Sure, since this is an issue for you, do bring it up with the other mom, but in a one-on-one visit with no kids involved, or on the phone if a kid-free visit is too hard to arrange.
Be sure she knows that you see the gifting as a sweet and generous impulse. AND, there are so many good reasons not to make it habitual. Give her the reasons that worry you the most, and describe an alternative scenario that would meet your and your children's needs (perhaps a small gift a couple of times a year).
Even if you do that, the practice may continue, depending on the other mom's or daughter's emotional need to keep it up. My daughter has a friend who does this with everybody in his life. The poor guy can't seem to help himself. It appears to be a case of low self-esteem in his case; he can't believe he doesn't need to "buy" other people's friendship.
So if it continues, and you are still uncomfortable with it, you might want to try communicating once again, and inquire as to what the practice means to your friend and her daughter. There might be information there that you can work with.
Since your children have all the toys they need, you could also state simply that you'll be passing the gifts on to children who have less, even though your children will find this distressing. Then explain to your kids your intention, and follow through. They may not understand it now, but it will become part of their understanding about materialism over time.
A.; well you can not go over there, unless its once a month ? and maybe you can give her toys too ? not sure, or you can grab the item and say lets see what age does it recommend, oh this says he should not have it cause he can choke , how about mommy holds it for a while till your able to play with it, ? thanks, im sure he will enjoy this later, just be freindly and be happy you have such a giving freind too, D. s
Yes, definitely let her know. You'd want to know if you were irritating someone else right? :)
I'd suggest calling her up sometime not associated with a visit and chatting about it in a casual way. You might want to discuss an incident where your little one put a choking hazard toy in his mouth, or something along those lines, and let her know you're worried about how he does this and are trying to keep those types of toys away from him for a while. Then let her know that you appreciate the kindness of her and her daughter as they bring sweet gifts for your kids.
If she's a reasonable person it shouldn't be a big deal. :)
I think I would approach the topic when I was on the phone with her, maybe just before you setup the next visit.
Something like 'had to call the son's dr. the other day. He keeps putting things in his mouth. I'm so afraid that he's going to choke when I'm not looking...'
Or
Just tell the friend that you are trying to show your kids that they shouldn't expect things all the time, so you are limiting when they can get a new toy or treat.
I know, my son expects a new toy or video game everytime we walk through the doors of a store. The day after Christmas he came in and asked if we could go to the store to spend his Christmas money on a new game, even though he got 5 new games on Christmas.
Just some thoughts.
M.
I would slip in a comment, when you are at a store or restaurant, about how annoying these toys are or how unsafe they are. That might start a conversation without you having to be confrontational!
Another idea would be to have both households do a "toy collection" so that you can donate to kids who need them. My 8 and 5 year old saw a clip of "Hoarders" and they said... "We don't want to be like that... let's get rid of some of our stuffed animals". They also saw me leading by example when I donated some baby clothes to a young single new mom lately. Giving is good and valuable for kids to learn.
Good Luck!!!
