Friend Feels We Are Not Being Loyal to Her Because Friends with Others

Is she in 3rd grade where you aren't allowed to be friends with someone who she doesn't like? I'd tell her you are not talking about it anymore and if she continues to talk about it, I'd either change the topic or wak away.

You can't fix what is not your problem. It sounds like you have been supportive to the extent you can. Your friend needs to mature and move on and you can't do that for her. Time. If she is still not moving on after 6 months then she may be having some problems that she needs to talk to a counselor about. You are not a trained professional and can't be that for her. You sound like a good friend. That's good enough.

It seems your friend and her family had a traumatic experience and can't quite get past it.
If the school was a not a good fit for her, it was great she left it.
But to keep coming back to it (and the subject in general) is like picking at a scab and she's not letting it heal.

She wants sympathy - a certain amount is ok - and I get a feeling she wants people to take up her cause (by either bad mouthing the school, demanding the school apologize to her, leaving the school like she did) - she want's people to choose up sides - and the fight/scandal/conflict is over - for 6 whole months now.

You might not be able to keep this friendship - she's determined to hold a grudge, and seeing as she's not getting feedback/revenge/satisfaction from the school, she's looking to transfer her anger in another direction - you and anyone else who didn't quit the school like she did.

Someday she might achieve closure, or she might not.
But it's hard to keep a friendship going under these circumstances.
You need other common areas besides that school to relate to.
If you can find no common ground, the friendship is over.

Just stop talking about it. If she continues to bring it up, then move on from the friendship. I'm sure she's hurt, but if it's impacting your ability to enjoy your children and their school... then let the relationship go.

She doesn't "own you" because you are her friend. My guess is that your friendship was based on the shared school experiences and now that is no longer a connection. Without that connection, the friendship will fade. Mourn the loss of the friendship, but don't let it change your behavior in any way.

This is her problem.

I would have a heart to heart with her. Just let her know, you understand how she feels. But that for you and your family, this school is working out just fine.

Let her know that you can tell she is still having strong feelings, but you worry , she is wasting energy on this school situation, instead of just moving on.

Also let her know, just because your children are still at the school, it does not mean SHE made a bad choice..,Instead she made the best choice for HER family.

Also let her know you are aware that her children also are obviously mad at all of you that stayed at the school, but once again, you all are not taking sides, just doing what is best for your families...just as they did.

Ugh. I have pretty low tolerance for this kind of stuff.
Be honest with her. Let her know you want to continue your friendship but that you both need to let what happened go.
If she's unable to do that then distance yourself a bit. If she's a real friend she'll get over it and come around eventually. And if not, well you're probably better off without the drama, right?

Sounds like she's still holding on to a lot of anger and needs a lot of reassurance. If she pulled out of the school, she chose to move on. So have others. It is not healthy for her to keep stopping by a school where she or her kids had issues. However justified she may have been in leaving the school, she is making it worse for herself, for the other families, and for the staff at that school by constantly showing up. And if there was a "scandal" or some big brouhaha, I would think the school authorities would suggest to her that it is better for the community if she not show up in an environment where she had so much difficulty.

I'd try to figure out why she is coming back - is it to be told "we miss you" or "it's not the same without you"? Is she expecting someone there to say "We're sorry for what happened"?? Perhaps someone needs to be honest with her: "It was a painful time, and people don't like to re-visit that. Perhaps that is why they aren't begging you to come back." It's also hard to miss someone when they don't go away!

I would say to her, "I think it's better if we not talk about the school since it was so painful for you." Let her know that you feel torn, that you want to support her but it's interfering with the relationship. I'm not sure why you say her kids are mad at you - has she shared her current feelings with them??? She made her decision, she needs to stand by it and do what she feels is best for her kids.

Did she go to another private school or to public school? Sometimes people really miss the smaller, more intimate setting of a private school, and they get lost in a larger school. Or they realize that parents aren't always as involved in a public school, or if they are, there are more of them. I have taught at 2 private schools, and sometimes parents who pay tuition think they can run the show - is she that type?

Sounds to me like she threatened to leave the school in the hopes that someone would talk her out of it or make some promises to her or validate her worth to the school community. That didn't happen, and she keeps making opportunities for people to do it again.

You may have to take a break from this friendship, just as she needs to take a break from these behaviors. Her kids will never move on if she is constantly talking about the old school, visiting it, and so on. They need their M. involved in their new school. Or maybe not - maybe she's not a positive influence in their schools! But she at least needs to show THEM that she is invested in their new school and that she stands behind the decision she made to enroll them somewhere else that is better for them.

The most important thing to remember here is that you are not responsible for her feelings and reactions. You have to let her feel how she feels, and not try to take responsibility for those feelings.

She might feel like you are being disloyal. She can feel that way because she chooses to. But she also isn't considering the fact that your children still attend the school, and you still have relationships with the people there. She's being selfish and inconsiderate.

You don't have to tell her that. All you have to do is place and maintain boundaries. "Friend, I understand that you are angry with the folks at the school. My kids are still attending there, I still like the school, and I'm not willing to make enemies for my children and make mine or their days harder. The great thing about friendships is that I don't have to be friends with everyone you are friends with, and you don't have to be friends with all of my friends; because we're different people and live different lives. I hope you can respect that."

You have to put the responsibility for her anger and feelings BACK onto her. It isn't YOUR fault that she doesn't respect the fact that you still have relationships at the school...it's hers. But she's chosen to twist it around and make it your fault that she feels as she does.

Why are her kids mad at you?

No offense, but your friend sounds like a big baby. She didn't like the school, so she chose to move her kids. Not every school is right for every family. Big deal. She obviously feels like the school, specifically, is wrong and maybe expects that they should do or say something to make her feel better. So she is continuing to go back searching for this and then bad mouths the school (and you apparently), in front of her kids.

I would tell her as kindly as possible, " Jan, I know you had a terrible experience with XYZ school and you're still very upset about it. You are probably hurt that I have my kids still attending. The school is a good fit for our kids and our family, though and there's no reason for us to move them. It sounds like your kids are much happier in their new school. Can we just let this go?"

Then see where the conversation goes. This may be part of a much bigger issue for her, but she needs to handle it in a more productive way. Maybe she's mourning the loss of her community from the school. Maybe the experience has shaken her confidence as a teacher and/or a parent. Who knows... If she doesn't see a therapist, that might be a good suggestion for her.

You're a good friend for sticking around through the drama~

Good luck~

i have no patience in my life for people this needy and drama-prone.
and it's just stupid for your other friends to pretend in order to pacify her.
do her the compliment of assuming she's a grown-up, and go on about your life and let her pique run its course. if she severs the friendship over your choices as to what's best for YOUR family, it's her loss.
khairete
S.

I think your friend needs to get her own stuff straightened out. It sounds like she's doing a lot of blaming instead of looking at her own actions.

First, if the school was such a bad place, she simply shouldn't be showing up.Period. They are voluntarily revisiting a place they have a bad association with and then expecting others to support them emotionally. Are you the only recipient of the complaints? That's really unfair to you.

If it were me, I'd likely say "you know, it seems that every time we see each other at the school, it's upsetting for you. I think we should get together somewhere else." Even for her kids' sake. Especially for that.

It sounds like she's feeling like she/her family are the victims of the situation and she wants validation for that. This is something she's going to have to work out on her own, maybe with a counselor? But it's unfair for her kids to still be stuck in this 'they hate us' rut, and that is what your friend is creating by continuing to drag her kids there to visit.

Sometimes,our friendships are good,strong ones and our friends can hear us in our concern for them. Sometimes, people are more bent on being 'right' than they are in making the friendship easier. The only way it will get better for the kids (and your friend) is if she stops keeping last year's drama alive and moves forward, focusing on the here+now and the future. She may or may not be ready to do that mature thing and let it go. Good luck.

This is really her issue to contend with . . . she did what was right for her family and you are doing what is right for yours. A true friend should "get" that concept.

If she persists in the negative behavior I would distance myself a bit.

"Tina, I know that this was a really difficult time for you and I realize that you're still upset about it. I agree with you that it was a bad incident that never should have happened and was handled poorly. I'm sorry that you feel I'm being disloyal by remaining employed at the school; by remaining friends with people that work there; and allowing my daughter to continue attending school there. I disagree with you that it's disloyal.

I need to be up front with you about this because I have every intention of moving forward and forgiving. I don't want to talk about this any more because I think it's going to start affecting our friendship. I'm sorry if this hurts your feelings, but I have to do what I feel is right the same way that you do. This may be one of those things where we have to agree to disagree and then simply never talk about it again. If you can't do that, I'll understand but I would rather you tell me now."

She just can't let go. If she keeps coming back and expecting people to beg her back, then she's insecure and not moving on. You have moved on and your child is doing well where she is. You and your friend need to agree to disagree or spend less time together. You can say, "I understand that you are upset, but we have moved on. If you need help getting through this transition in your life, you should talk to a family counselor."

She needs to grow up. Did she think the school would close if she left? It's unfortunate that it didn't work out for her, but she's got to move on. Stop consigning her craziness. I wouldn't pretend not to be involved with the school. Why should people have to do that for her? Why are her kids mad at you? That sounds totally crazy. You don't owe her an explanation on why you are choosing o keep your child there. You all are going way out your way to accommodate this craziness. She'll keep doing it because she has an audience.

Sigh.

"Look at me! Listen to me! I'm important here! You're not doing what I want you to do! What's the matter with you?"

It doesn't sound as if you (and other friends) can support that.

I don't know if you can do anything for this woman unless, one day, she happens to ask you why her friends have "deserted" her. Then you can say something about how an angry, negative attitude can drive other folks away.

However, it's really not unusual for any of us women to be at least a little surprised, and even dismayed, when everybody else's life goes on without us.

You obviously aren't unhappy with the school...that's why you are still there.

Tell her you'll be her shoulder if she ever needs to vent and that you're sorry what happened and what she's going through, but explain that while your children are still students there, you can't disagree with her or talk bad about anything/anyone.

Be patient. Its no fun to not only be the odd man out but to realize she put herself in that position in the first place. In the meantime, try to steer her towards other interests so she'll get her mind off of things and give her time to move on. She if she'll take up a hobby or suggest a good book series.

I agree with the other posts about how she alone is responsible for her feelings and you can't be expected to take them on for her. I also think she has not moved on at all and neither have her kids -- if there was such a serious blow-up for them with the school, why on earth do they find reasons to "visit"? I wonder if possibly her kids, miserable as they were, are now having a hard time adjusting to their new school and are becoming angry that they were pulled out in the first place...

But back to her. You can't control her feelings or actions, but you can control when and in what circumstances you SEE her. If she truly is a friend -- someone you want to spend time with, someone whose conversation interests you and whose ideas and input make your life better or more interesting -- then arrange to see her only in situations where you and she aren't going to be able to discuss school, period. Meet her at a holiday bazaar and shop with her, talking about the crafts. Meet her for a movie and talk about it afterward, keeping the focus on films and things you and she like to watch. Go with her to events or otherwise arrange things so that you and she are not just sitting there over coffee and jawing and she turns inevitably to the school issue. That would leave you some breathing space to see her and be with her but in situations where there are other things to focus on besides her obsession with the school.

If she persists in bringing this up, distance yourself for while, gently. Be sure to stay in touch but possibly see less of her in person. If she still persists after that, you will need to say to her that while you really do understand her family's issues, the school is your child's school and you will continue to be involved there because of that, and you hope SHE will be involved in her kids' new school.

Really, she needs to expend this energy she's using to fuss at friends and visit the old school on something much more constructive -- like volunteering and getting involved at the kids' new school. Maybe you can suggest to her that she take her talents and energies and really get to know the new school rather than spending her mental energy on the old one.

I have a similar friend, who continually brings up some other friends that she's lost touch with in the past year. She thinks they abandoned her when she needed support (she has cancer), and she asks about them all the time, and wants to gossip about them. The other women say that they just couldn't deal with her and all of her demands/needs and jerky husband any longer - that it had nothing to do with her cancer. Whatever the real reason, my friend is obviously offended that I and some other women still are in contact with them, and her constant harping on it is putting a major strain on our relationship. We basically have to hide whenever we hang out with the other women or else she gets all snarky.

I have tried repeatedly to tell her that I'm sorry things went wrong with those other ladies, but that I don't want to talk about them. Unfortunately, she can't seem to let it go. So I wish I had some actual advice for you, but I guess I really don't. If you think your friend will be able to get over it, stay friends with her. But if it's making your time with her no fun, let her know, and if she can't shut up about the school, then you need to move on.