Four Year Old Hitting 9 Month Old Sister

I agree, he is losing all sense of balance. He's been replaced as the "baby" and daddy is leaving soon. It's all too much for an adult to handle, let alone a 4yr old. Is it possible to give him some one-on-one time with you and your husband separately? That might go a long way in fixing his insecure feelings.

Hi!
Well this sounds like a common problem. I was wondring if you took alot of time prepareing your 4 year old for the new arrival. From what I learned in Child Psychology, this is a classic case of jealousy. The 4 year old is trying to get the attention away from the baby on him and it usually works. But, it is the wrong type of attention. My advice is to make a special time for you and your 4 year old ONLY. For example, when the baby is taking a nap, make that time for just you and your 4 year old. Let them know that this is there special time because they deserve the extra special time with you. If the hitting continues after a week of trying this, a good thing to try, with that age is to take a few minutes away from the special time everytime he/she hits. Such as 4 minutes for each time aggression is showed. Beleive it or not they understand this concept. But the thing of it is you have to show the 4 year old what special time is and how much they will enjoy it and look forward to it each day, beore using it as a lesson tool.

sweetheart, i can only say one thing....It's a NORMAL reaction! Children who are dealing with new siblings and escpecially at that age only know how to get attention by acting out against the younger child. Explain to your oldest that you love him the same, and that he is still just as important. But let him know that hitting and being mean to the baby is not good behavior and WILL NOT get him attention, but only a spankin' or time out. Be firm with the punishment or else he will know that he can get away with it. Most children are okay within the first few months of the newest sibling, because it's fun, new. And as always, the new wears off and it's not fun to share things anymore. ESPECIALLY mom and dad. Hang in there, he will out grow it!

My son did the same thing with his sister. I used 2 different approches: When he hit and she cried I put on a show (really hammed it up) that he was acting very mean, and hurt his sister badly and that he needed to help console her and tell her he was sorry. (labling emotions helps with this too)
When he was acting nicely I told him what a good brother he was and gave him extra attention and offered to do something that he liked to do.

Shes 19 mos. now and hes nearly 4. We still have our spats but they're short lived and harmless. (Knock on wood) Good luck and best wishes.

K.

Hi A.,
It sounds like to me that your 4yr old hasn't got too much he can control in his little life. He's been the center of attention for 3 years, now he has to share mom and dad and now dad is about to leave. I suggest you spend some alone time with him, leave the baby with a friend or family member one afternoon a week if you can. He needs to know that he is still special to you. Dad needs to do some serious prep for his deployment. Get a tape recorder and have dad read bedtime stories into it (at least enough for two weeks). That way you can sit with him and go through the book while dad reads on tape and you don't get the same one over and over and over. Dad can also take a tape recorder and record tapes. That way since little guy can't read or write, they can exchange tapes. Be sure to keep them and he can listen to them when he misses dad. I also saw on TV where you can make your own stationary with pictures copied onto regular writing paper at places like Kinko's or Office Depot. Just tape pictures around the border, make a color copy and that way dad gets updated pics everytime you mail him a note. It is also affordable (I think it costs about 75 cents to make 1 color copy). It also becomes something to comfort dad when he is lonely for you and the kids. You can also make a chart and give big brother stars for "excellent big brother behavior" When he earns a specified number of stars he gets a treat. Usually treats given at the equivalent of their age. age 4 gets a treat after 4 stars. It doesn't have to be big. Sometimes just a sticker or special movie time with mom. Find the good things he does like picks up the baby's toy or hands you a diaper. Remember that it takes 4 positives to 1 negative to change behavior so even if you can only say something like "what a good big brother you are for talking nice to baby sister" and give him a star. In the beginning you will have to LOOK for things to be positive about because if you are like me I get stuck in the negative "don't do that, put that down, stop that". You have to make an effort to shape your child's behavior and it has to be consistent. If he truly does something like hitting that is unacceptable then he goes to time out. It will take you a long time to get that in place if you haven't been doing that but it will be worth the effort in the long run.

Hope some of that helps.
C.