Found Out Something Very Disturbing and Feeling Very Down

Please do not blame yourself! You said they sent your son a gift just before this happened. She knew where you were. This did not happen because she needed help and you weren't available. Tell yourself that every time you start to feel responsible. You are not responsible.

Yes, you'll grieve but do not allow yourself to blame yourself. Perhaps blaming yourself is a way of denying the reality of the situation which is the first stage in grief. In reality, there is nothing you could've done.

I suggest that you're expecting more from yourself than you have a right to expect. They moved away. You were their friend but you didn't live near them. Let go of this way of thinking. You're only making grief more painful for yourself and grief is already painful.

Here is an article about the stages of grief. http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

Wow, I was not prepared. I am so terribly sorry that this happened and that this is how you found out.

To have even known her was a privilege. She was the perfect caregiver for your son.

No be can be blamed for this except her husband. It is natural that you are now n shock and grief stricken, but this is not your guilt to carry, instead it is a time for you to recover from this very sad news,

Look at it this way, her husband was obviously very disturbed and your son was in their care. Thank God they moved away and you lost touch because your son could have been in serious danger! It's terrible what happened to her, but be grateful your son is safe.

I am so sorry that this happened, and that you found out about this. You are clearly such a caring person and this loss will stay with you for a long time. Don't be afraid to see a grief counselor. However, please don't put yourself into the situation. You could not have rescued her, don't put that guilt on yourself. You said the articles mentioned friends. She had other friends. If she wanted to ask for help or escape, she had people in her life. You would not have changed anything. All you can do for her is to remember her with love, and donate to the local women's shelter in her memory.

This is a terrible thing and as another mama mentioned, it may have been a blessing that they moved because your precious child could have been in her care when her husband snapped.

If you can get in touch with her family, write a hand written letter of condolence and let them know how wonderful you thought she was.

She sounds like the kind of person who would want your family to celebrate every day of life and especially this time of year.

I will keep you all in my prayers.

Blessings....

OMG, I am so sorry! I truly did not see that coming reading through your post.
Don't blame yourself. There is nothing you could have done. The blame goes solely on the man that committed this horrendous act.
FYI... My son passed away years ago and I have read countless books on grief. It is so common for loved ones to blame themselves for a death even when the death was clearly out of your control. Her death was obviously beyond your control. I am just thankful they moved and your son was not caught up in this awful case.

I am so sorry but you have nothing to do with this.
There was most likely nothing you could have done.
I agree with what another poster said.....thank heavens your son wasn't
in her care when her husband lost it.
Keep her memory alive.
Forgive yourself. There isn't anything you could have done to prevent this.
Hugs.

Wow... I just... I did not think this is where this was going. I am SOOO sorry about your loss. Your feelings are perfectly natural and you will go through a normal grieving process, just delayed as you just found out.

Please know that there is likely nothing that you could have done but your friendship probably meant the world to her. Seek peace with yourself knowing that.

Blessings...

It is quite surreal and numbing to learn of somebody's violent passing. Don't allow yourself to take any responsibility for the actions of someone, who was clearly psychotic. It is very normal to feel heartbreak, but there is absolutely nothing you could have done differently. Just keep her beautiful memory alive in your family history. Sorry to hear you're taking the news so profoundly.

How awful!
So sorry!
You can't let yourself think you are in any way responsible for what happened. Surely if she was working with the police department there, she had resources if she had any inkling that he was capable of such a thing.
So terribly sad.

I'm so sorry. Of course this is haunting you, but do know that her safety was not in your hands. You did not let her down so please let that go.

It's sad. It happened. You must grieve, but their is no onus on you.

Dear God in heaven, Mama, what a terrible thing to find out. I'm so very sorry. There's nothing you can do but pray to God thanking Him that your child wasn't there when it happened.

Thinking of you,
Dawn

I am so sorry for your loss, but you can't think about the 'what ifs'. You just have to let yourself grieve for your loss and try to "move on".

How sad for her family. Your little one was lucky to not be there when he snapped. He might have taken him with them.

I am so sorry this happened to someone you know.

May God hold you in the palm of His hand during this horrible time. I am sending prayers and hugs your way. I love the idea someone else had about contacting her family to say how much you thought of her. Pleae please please don't blame yourself!

I'm so sorry to hear of this. I can understand how you feel Christmas won't be the same for you. Try to maybe think of the good times you had when around her or when your son was. I can't even imagine hearing something like that. I hope you don't feel guilty about not keeping in touch, I think that someone like that would have done something horrible to her or someone else eventually. Please don't be too hard on yourself...

I am so sorry. Its not your fault. You didn't know and lost touch. Forgive yourself and maybe light a candle on Christmas in her honor. I am sure she will join you in spirit. So sorry this happened...

I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that, while your intentions were good, this tragedy may or may not have happened even if you were involved in her life still. She may not have shared those hard times with you. She may not have had warning that he was mentally very unstable. And if she did, she had chosen to go *with* him at the time you last saw her. Please do not take any on responsibility for this tragedy. At any time, she could have approached you or reached out, but she chose not to.

Vets returning from war have such a hard time adjusting to civilian life. We know someone who is completely changed from his time in Iraq. He is more or less estranged from his family and children and rarely sees his mother, who is a friend. One of my dads served in Vietnam and still cannot discuss it; he has had anger management issues which he's received help for. All this to say- none of this is rational. Please be glad that you were a person in her life who offered trust and a good job. You were a 'something good' in her life. Try to hold onto that.

don' t know if you pray but that was my first thought. how awful. you said it right - disturbing. ((hugs)). hang in there. it's a shock for sure.

I'm so sorry you had to find out the loss of your friend is such a shocking way and in such a shocking manner. I am thankful that it didn't happen where you are while they had your son in their care. Having a child die in the care of someone else has to be a truly unbearable feeling. But nonetheless she is on your mind and in your heart right now, but time will help.

Unfortunately so many people who are suffering from some sort of mental illness hide it so well. Sometimes even their closest family members do not know how badly they are suffering.
You clearly had no indication of anything wrong here. She never said anything about him being violent or anything else. And he didn't show any signs of his suffering. They seemed to be a well adjusted couple who loved children and she was doing what she could to improve their lives by going to school and getting a job.

Of course you feel badly and wish there was something you could have done. But unless either of them had spoken to you about his situation no one could help them. I am so sorry this happened to a wondeful couple, who just needed help. Remember her and the love she felt for your son, with joy. Knowing her was a blessing and a joy for you and your family.

That is so tragic, I'm sorry. I can certainly understand everything you are feeling. I would feel the same way.

Don't beat yourself up with guilt about this, there is nothing you could have done. I think you are going to have a period of guilt and grief, as those are normal feelings when you experience a loss.