Foster, Trauma Children

I was a foster mom for 8 years. I have seen a lot of children have detatchment disorder. Kids are afraid to be loved and to love back because once they do their surroundings will change. I know it's hard but she just needs to keep being reminded how much love you have for her and if she is not in counseling she "needs" to be. They need to have an independent outlet that has an unbiased opinion.I would also try to get her involved in a good youth oriented church & youth group where she has more positive people her own age around her, Good Luck.

My daughter came home in October of 2005 from foster care and I have had similar problems with her. No, it is not normal and she should probably see a therapist to help her work out her problems. Part of the reason that she seems to live in the fantasy world that she has created is to cope with what she doesn't know how to cope with--if that makes any sense to you. She feels safe in the world that she has created for herself, but when pressed to deal with the real world, you see the end result. There are several ways to deal with this but none are truly painless. At her age, taking away privileges is the most effective way of punishing her. I've had to do this with my daughter and she hates it when I do, but she is getting better. Still, if you notice that she is not willing to care for her hygeine, refuses to brush her teeth, shows no remorse or responsibility for her actions, that sort of thing, then you may have to get her something more intensive than just a counselor. Good luck, P.

My parents provided foster care to children when I was growing up. It exposed me to so many things and gave me a whole new level of understanding along the way. Most of the foster kids in our home would lie. Most of the time, they had no idea they were doing it! Take these things into consideration and you will start to understand: think about how the parents behaved before the child was removed from their care; think about the foster parents they have been exposed to who weren't the best influence; think about lying as a SURVIVAL instinct instead of just an wrongful act. I am not saying that all foster kids lie or that its ok when they do, but I am asking for you to keep an open mind as to why she does it and that she might not even know she is doing it anymore. One girl who lived with us had lied about her age so long that she honestly didn't know how old she was. She argued with my mom about it. My mom happened to have a copy of her birth certificate (for school records) and finally had to show it to the girl to prove to her that she was still 15 and not already 16! That is a true story! She HONESTLY believed she was already 16 at that point because she had lied about it so many times. And lying had become a way to get what she wanted/needed for survival along the way.
I don't have any real answers as to how to get her to stop, but I would suggest some counseling of some kind to help her re-evaluate her coping and survival skills. Most kids in the foster care programs unfortunately learn to be very manipulative along the way as well. They don't intend to be, but they just learn it as a survival instinct.
Hope that helps! Good luck and glad she has been able to rejoin your family!

I am a school teacher and I see this behavior often with foster care children. We place the children in counseling through the school systems. Most schools in Washington County are partners with JDC and they will send a counselor to the school to speak with the child at least once a week during an elective class. Many children respond well to the couseling.

I did the foster care thing for 2 years with my oldest 2 children and now they are adopted. I have 2 say I lucked up I have great kids. They really have ajusted well. I hope u luck with yours maybe you all need to seek couseling for her to help her adjust. Kids in foster care go through alot sometimes My oldest went through alot and I just had to lay ground rules down for her. Now she knows the way it goes and she has adjusted to that. A.

yes melissa we had a nephew in foster care that we took care of under kinship and he would lie to us and steal from us and take it to school and get rid of it and things. he even tried to set fire to our daughter house more than once and it got so bad we had to let him go back into the dhs care and things. yes they will lie to u and make up all kinds of story and things and it is very normal sweetie.

Mel,
We are a foster family to younger children; however, we did provide respite care to a girl in that age group over Christmas who displayed the behaviors that you are discribing. Some of the "fantasy" behavior is very common in girls of that age and should be overlooked unless it is interfering with her acceptance of reality. In addition, when any child has had bad life experiences, they make up fantastic stories to compensate and cope with the unpleasant truths. I don't know the nature of the child that is in your home but one thing that I know for certain is that you must tread carefully when addressing these subjects with this child so as not to damage what little self esteem she might have left. When she begins to spin the yarn (so to speak) ask her pointed questions about the subject she is discussing, ask her how she "feels" about what it is that she is telling you, look deeper than the surface of what she says and pull the "hidden" message out and lead the conversation back to reality. I would not directly confront her in her lies. This might do more damage that good. Try to direct her attention towards things of substance and channel her imagination into artwork/drawing or something positive. Find positive things to say about the child and help build her self esteem. It sounds A LOT easier than it is, I know. Purchase the book "Raising Ophelia" it really highlights issues that our girls and young ladies face in today's society and it will also assist you in understanding the mindset of a young teen. There is also a book I would recommend to anyone fostering or adopting entitled "The Connected Child". It addresses behaviors commonly seen in children who have been in the system or in an orphanage. I hope this helps you.

My aunt and cousin both have foster homes and it has been quite the experience. Alot of time these kids lie because they are insecure. Sometimes they even lie because they think they have to impress their families. I would just give her some time and if the lying gets worse I would consider counsiling. These kids have been through quite the experience.