Foster Children

We are raising two children who were not born to us and have seen this over and over with both of them. We limited phone contact and have not had any personal visitation. We have made no limits on contact through the US Postal mail, but do not allow any emailing.

While their mother is supportive and understands she can't raise them, it doesn't change the emotional impact contact has on the kids. As much as they like to pretend they are handling everything, the fact of the matter is, they have a lot of mixed emotions and don't know what to do with them.

We do a lot of talking about emotions around here. I continually remind them it is okay to be angry, sad, relieved etc. I accept (although admittedly don't like it) when those emotions are directed at me or my husband. Along with allowing them room for their feelings, though, we continue to hold them accountable for their behavior.

The most important lesson I have learned through all of this is that, as parents, we can't always "love enough", but we can be vehicles to help introduce our children to a God who can.

Hi J.,

Fostering aa a single parent is one of the most difficult things I have ever undertaken in my life; but also one of the most rewarding as I was able to adopt my daughter. From my experience, consistancy is what works best. If talking back is not acceptable, stick to your usual consequence every time. Consistancy is what is missing in their lives. Most foster children come from chaos and want to re-create chaos in your home; DON'T LET THEM! Stay calm and follow through every time.

Also, make sure you make time for you. Take advantage of respite through your agency and do something nice for yourself.

Hope this helps.

L.

My daughter dose not like to visit her father. I told her that even if she doesn't like him that she MUST respect him. She isn't allowed to be mean or disrespectful to him but I don't make her call him and talk to him either.

Hi J.! I know EXACTLY what you are going thru! I go thru the same thing when my fiance's son gets around his bio mother... no joke, he acts like a handicapped child. He drops and rolls in the floor, goes limp when you try to get him to stand, sticks his hands in his mouth and TOTALLY acts out. We discovered that he DOES realize how he is acting and have been able to put a stop to it by repremanding him IN THE EXACT MOMENT of the behavior...my fiance was reluctant at first to do that in front of his ex but that was the issue....he knew he could get away with it because NO ONE was telling him that we was 'being bad'...SO! my best advice is to nip this in the bud by being firm and say that behavior is NOT acceptable and really prepare THEM by saying, "You're going to speak with your parents, OK? BUT, the moment you cannot keep your good behavior i will ______________" and enforce a rule there....ie, take a toy, time out no tv at bedtime...whatever works!!!

Hope it works out!

-A.

J.,
With love and understanding. No easy answer here. No matter how good you are to these girls...you're not the natural parent and they will always have issues about why they don't "want" them. There may be some counceling programs you can check into for them. Good Luck and God bless.

T.

www.livetotalwellness.com/T.
www.workathomeunited.com/T.

J.,
Have you mentioned this to the child welfare agency who handles your case/children??
This sounds like something they need to know. Do you listen in on the conversations?? I wonder what they are being told or if right now it's too much for them?
Maybe they(children) need to talk to an expert about what's going on?
Do you go to church? Involve your pastor.
Keep us posted!

Hello J.
Did You mean out of control when they actually talk to the parents during visitations? Or afterwards at home with you?
M.