Hey there mama,
My husband (he had NO children) and I married when my boy had just turned 3. My son's father is very much still involved in his life so it is a different situation, but the whole blended family element is very challenging.
Hubby and I have had 3 children of our own (with another on the way,) so I have some experience watching my husband grow as a father and the difference when it is your own flesh and blood. It is definitely different. He admits it and it's nothing to be ashamed of. It's natural.
I think personality factors in quite a bit, everyone's.. yours, your husbands, and both of your children's. My oldest has a very strong personality and so does my husband. I am more laid back. Our boy together is very compliant. Our 2 daughters are equally different than our boys. It is just not an easy thing to be a family, blended or otherwise. It's awesome, it's a blessing, but it is also very challenging.!
We have tried counselling, and I've read books, and although these are good things and sometimes helpful, we have found the Lord is definitely the answer. We have been married 7 years now and we were told in a blended family class (at Bell Shoals Baptist Church) that it takes 7 years to "blend". Well, we are still working on it. We've made many strides in the right direction and we've made huge messes and mistakes too...it's just not God's first plan (marriage first then children...) but God also says that true religion is to take care of orphans and widows... so it is definitley POSSIBLE to get it right!!
We just have to keep plugging away and doing our best and being humble enough to admit when what we're doing isn't working and try something different. We have found that being honest with each other and the children, by admitting our faults and apologizing when we miss it, has gone a long way in bonding us all together.
You are doing a noble work. I agree with the whole "one on one thing." Blended or not. We do that too and it is very important to all of us. Even taking one child on a simple errand and leaving the others at home makes a big deal out of something that would otherwise have been a missed opportunity. Just a little attention goes a long way when it's just mama and child (or daddy and child)!
Be a good listener too. I really have to work at this. Just shut down the teacher mode (within reason of course) and let him talk and eventually he'll open up his heart wider. You'll fall in love deeper. So will he.
I also love the adoption idea. That would be huge. Definitely a special ring or something he's into that has some lasting value (a pocket watch is something else my 10 yr old has that he LOVES.) I gave him a special ring and he loves it. It's really a purity ring, but it reminds him of "us" and our special times together. It also reminds me to work on keeping the lines of communication open and initiating conversations about those harder subjects...It's a constant reminder since he NEVER takes it off. (it's sterling)
We don't do the date thing weekly, not with 4 (and also we homeschool so we are together a lot). But even monthly or bi monthly counts. The reading alone together suggestion is another special bonding time. We do that. I read him books that are above his reading level and rub his feet while he listens.. he loves that.
Don't feel like you have to spend money or a ton of time...just pour on the love..he'll respond..
1 Corinthians 13:8 says, "Love never fails..." and God would know.
I'll be praying for you,
Love, K.
Hope this helps!