Forgetfulness

I teach teenagers. Trust me, if you figure out the answer to that question, you will be a millionaire. :)

It's all part of growing up. Be sympathetic and kind, but don't rescue him. Natural consequences will go far. However it may take awhile. Or, it may be who he is..... so try to not let it bug you too much.

You have to let them suffer the consequence.

My 11-year old kept switching bags for cheer. She wanted to take whatever bag matched her mood, even though I suggested she have only ONE bag for cheer because she kept forgetting to switch her shoes into the new bag.

Finally I got tired of her forgetting her shoes. She knew that if she forgot them she could wear my gym shoes because we are the same size. However, then I had to go around barefoot and I don't like that.

She forgot her shoes and I made her sit out the entire 2 hour practice. She was fuming mad and crying and carrying on.

However, she then decided to have only ONE bag for cheerleading, and has never forgotten her shoes again.

As sad as it is, you have to let them fail now when it's no big deal. Otherwise they will fail as adults, and that can have serious consequences.

From some parenting classes I've taken, I suggest that the fact that this is driving you mad is an indication that you're too personally invested in his remembering. As others have said, allow him to suffer the natural consequences of his behavior and do not accept responsibility for them.

I find this difficult to do. When my granddaughter calls to ask me to bring something to her at school, I usually do it because I want success for her. I'm invested in her success. If this was all of the time, however, I wouldn't do it and I would feel badly not only for her but because it would feel like I was partly responsible. Even tho I know I'm not responsible.

It's the learning how to not feel responsible that is so very difficult. And it's feeling responsible that causes us to keep bailing them out which drives us batty. When we can accept that this is not our problem and remain unemotionally involved that we feel better and our child has a chance to accept responsibility for their memory.

If you've provided your son with the tools to help him be organized and remember, it's time to back off and let him suffer the consequences (failure). As long as he knows you'll bail him out he has little incentive to remember for himself.

To let him fail means that you first have to deal with your sense of responsibility which results in your guilty or angry feelings. Find a way to disconnect emotionally from his success. Once you do that, you'll feel less anger when he forgets. Note: Anger is frequently used to cover up or deny other feelings.

After your SWH: It's good to be invested in him. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about being invested in the outcome of his actions. You're thinking that you fail if he is forgetful. I suggest that you get upset when he has consequences. You're not allowing him to learn by the natural order of having a consequence for forgetting. You want to prevent him from forgetting when allowing him to forget and have consequences is the way for him to learn to make the choice to remember.

Also, you are not 100% for his success. He is an individual and will make his own choices. It's important for you to be invested in his well being and his learning. However, at the same time, it's important to acknowledge that he's also responsible for who he becomes.

There is no way to get it 100% right! You've set yourself up for feeling upset over his choices. Accept that you're both learning and let go of the emotional need to be perfect.

Forget to pay his cell phone. Forget to leave him money. Forget to do his laundry.

Wait till he is 26?

They don't come that way. What I mean is, you have to train them, then train them again. Then there's training them... Did I mention training them?

You are responsible for him having the tools to keep up with stuff. The right folders, notebooks, sites for his teachers, email for his teachers, and keep at him till he uses them.

You are responsible for making him set stuff by the door the night before, or if he has access to his email acct during the day,send himself an email about homework and when it's due. He has to have plans in place not to fail because that where every 13 yr old boy is going if you do not help him plan.
It would be like expecting a toddler not to cry.

I once took my 13 yr old to his 4th concert of the yr. he played percussion. Out of the 4 he had forgotten his sticks and his music 3 times! Such is the nature of the animal!

Like I've said a thousand times with my kids, they have to learn the hard way. Forgot your lunch money? Maybe next time you'll remember how hungry you were. Forgot your band instrument? Maybe you'll remember serving detention next time you have to go. Forgot your wallet? Maybe you'll remember feeling like an idiot when you couldn't pay for your girl friend's lunch next time you leave the house.

The only thing we as parents can do is a) resist the urge to bail them out of trouble all the time and b) give them the tools and be the example they can follow so they can start remembering their responsibilities!

It is a parent's responsibility to teach our children to utilize the tools at their disposal to be successful, whether that is study techniques, balancing a checking account & managing credit cards responsibly, or remembering important things.

While they are still young (under 18) you are most likely ultimately responsible for their success/failure, & if they forget, you will probably have to step in & help. But while you are their "backup parachute", it doesn't mean that you should carry their responsibility until they are 18, & then push them away & tell them they need to do it on their own.

There are so many tools nowadays that kids can use, & many of them transfer right into college/adult work life. If they have a smart phone, there are alarms, calendars, notes, etc., not to mention a TON of apps (forgetful? there's an app for that!)

So pick the things that are important, & make sure to help them be successful (getting up in the morning, school functions, jobs, etc.) but talk with your son & show him some of the tools he can use to keep track of things. Help him to use them for those important things, & discuss the types of things that he will be solely responsible for going forward (scheduling hang-out time w/friends, making sure to pack a lunch, etc.).

Maybe set up a time to discuss once a week or month, to help him stay on track, & discuss other ways to be successful, if the tools he is choosing aren't working.

*** For those of you who have read my responses in the past, you know that I am not a mother (well, only to my dogs!). However, this is advice I know my husband wishes his mother had gotten, & what I've heard from my group of mom-friends when we get together.

Good luck! T.

I second Mamabearof2. I have been trying to get grand kids to "not forget".
I will have a nervous breakdown first! Just this morning, my 10 yo granddaughter comes to me and says "mom forgot to sign this." Now I saw her take it out of backpack. I said no Mom did not forget to sign this, you forgot to give it to her. I signed but told her that was the last time. She went storming off! Told my DIL, if a project is due and they do not do it, oh well! Forgot lunch, guess you will be hungry. They have to be accountable for their own actions. I told them, if I had them for a week, they would be different kids when Mom and Dad returned.

What I do not understand is why teachers have to e-mail parents to remind them of a test. Why don't kids write it down, The schools are adding to irresponsible kids today.