DD will be 15 next month. I do random spot checks on her texts and Facebook account to make sure nothing inappropriate is going on. She knows I have her log in info but I don't know if she realizes I actually check regularly. We've had numerous discussions about 'sexting' and have been talking openly about sex since she was about 11 and read the Twilight series. Over the last week or so she has developed a romantic interest in a boy with whom she has been friends for about a year and a half. He is a fairly immature 14-year-old, from another country (here for about 2 years) so culturally a bit different. I like him but he is very open with the sexual innuendo, perhaps because of his ‘European’ background. He has told my daughter he is not a virgin (my daughter is not sexually active—YET!). I've noticed in the last few days that she has been texting comments to him that I consider inappropriate. For example: HER: I'm sexy and I know it! (pop song lyrics). HIM: I'm sexier! HER: No way--I'm sexier! HIM: But you're a virgin and I'm not! HER: I don't have to be a virgin! YIKES!!! I think her intended message was ‘I’m a virgin by choice’ but still! Then over the weekend I found out that she was 'jokingly' texting him to 'bring the condoms' when he was coming over to our house to hang out with friends. I think her intent was to tease him about his supposed sexual prowess (she doesn’t believe he is as ‘experienced’ as he claims to be), but OMG!! I don't think she is really ready to have sex or intending to have sex—perhaps just trying to get this boy’s attention and thinking she needs to make up for her lack of experience. I don’t think she is communicating in this way with any of her other friends. But I feel like I need to have another conversation with her about what is appropriate when texting, etc. without letting her know what I've actually seen/heard. I don't want to lose her trust--we are actually very close and she tells me most things (this is the first thing that has ever been a surprise to me as far as her communications with friends). How do I introduce this topic again without arousing her suspicions? Or am I being overly-paranoid? Maybe I should just be happy that she isn’t going into graphic detail, that the comments are made in jest, and that my 15 year old isn’t engaging in sexual activity (from what she has told me, she is in the minority among girls at school). Advice please—thank you!
Thank you everyone for the great feedback. I spoke to DD and came clean--told her I saw what she'd written in her FB messages (I'd helped her with a FB problem the previous night so I had an excuse, LOL!). I told her about leading boys on, not putting every thought in her head into writing, there is a 'kernel of truth' even in joking/teasing, etc. She did lots of nodding and saying 'I know.' I ended with telling her (yet again) that she needs to come to me if and when she feels ready for sex so that we can make sure she is protected (but mostly so I can try to talk her out of it!). She laughed and said one of her friends just had the same conversation with her mom, and her friend responded 'Mom! I'm 14!!' It is funny how they don't realize how everything can change overnight. Again, thank you and I'm glad I spoke to her and told her what I know; I'm just hoping this doesn't make her try and hide things from me from now on. :-(
talk about it over and over..i was 15 when i lost mine to my ex who i was with for 14 years, partly because i felt like i wasnt bad if i did stay with him. Talk to her openly about everything...done condemn it, but explain why its better to wait and the dangers of not waiting
I don't really have any advice on how to handle this but please do something. I was in your shoes about a year ago. Same relationship with daughter. We were very close, talked openly about things, would randomly check her phone...I believed she wasn't sexually active even though I knew she had been "talking" to a boy. She would openly tell me things about what her friends or other girls at school were doing and she had me believing that she would never do those things. Well, in September, I found out she was pregnant! Please don't end up where I'm at..it's not fun. Try having another talk with her and tell her you won't judge her for anything she has done or is thinking of doing.
Good luck...being the parent of a teenage girl is not always the funnest thing to do..
Well, I lost my virginity just after my 15th birthday, so there's that... I wasn't ready, but seriously thought "oh what the heck, everyone else does it".
Like a bad after school special.
Talk to her just "randomly" about it. You can't stop her from doing it, but you can make sure she's informed and emotionally aware of the side consequences. (Like being emotionally attached to your first for like, ever.)
Comments like that made in jest.. usually have a kernel of truth to them, so they aren't totally joking. Even if she is jesting in her mind, it doesn't mean he is. Also, his sexual talking isn't just because he is European... a lot of American boys are just like that at his age. Soon enough, he or she may start texting each other graphic pictures. It's time to talk about communicating with the opposite sex, how joking like that isn't just joking.
I would be open and honest about what you saw and that you don't approve. It can be done in a calm manner and just talking. Don't "attack" her on why you think its bad, talk to her and explain why you don't approve and how its leading the boy on. Then let her know what can happen from there... Scary to think, but if she keeps leading him on and he tries something he might not take no for an answer.
Ask her what she meant by them... then explain what it really meant. Not saying she is... but alot of the kids I know around that age, what they are saying ( like your daughter) its what they actually meant.
You need to be very open with her. My mom was very open with me about sex. I knew what she wanted from me in return. Even though I always said that I was going to be a virgin until I was married... I was just a little past my 15th birthday when I wasn't. I "thought" I was ready. But I wasn't emotionally ready for it, like I thought I was. Thankfully I had that open relationship with my mom because I got very depressed because I had let myself down and was afraid to tell my mom because I thought I had let her down. That was the first time I was close to committing sucide, stupid I know. But instead of going through with it, I went to my mom. Her actions showed me that she really would be there for me no matter what and that I could talk to her about anything and she loved me no matter what.
The only reason Im sharing my experience is because to me anyways, it shows the importace of having that open loving relationship. If she wouldn't have told me over and over that I could come to her, who knows where I would or wouldn't be now.
Its scary because my son is now the same age as I was when I "started". Sometimes I look at him and think.. what the hell was I thinking?!? lol
Just be open and honest, that is always going to be the policy no matter who you are dealing with :) Good luck!
My two cents worth. My daughter was doing the exact same thing when she was 12 on her phone. The boy that was texting her was saying all sorts of hints like engaging in sexual activities. And that is why she has not phone anymore. We took it away from her when we found out. She would not tell me how old the boy was, but I called him myself and asked how old he was. He would not tell me. I did tell him how old our daughter was. As a law enforcement officer, I also made it perfectly clear he was to have no more contact what so ever with my daughter. You would be surprised how many boys text all sorts sexual things to girls and parents are not aware of it until something happens and they file a report with us to investigate. My daughter is 15 and she still does not have a phone. Best of luck to you.
See if there is some way, which while upholding your moral values, and expectations, you can nonetheless give her access to contraception should she decide to have sex.
My high school boyfriend's parents kept a giant vase full of condoms in the hallway linen closet, which they would fill and refill. They had 4 highschool aged children, and weren't going to take any chances with teen pregnancy, STD, or HIV/AIDS. For them sex wasn't problematic, unprotected sex was.
Just a thought.
Have you discovered the book, "How to Talk so Teens will listen and listen so teens will talk" by Faber and Mazlish? I found it really helpful with talking about touchy subjects like this. You are not being overly paranoid. Your daughter may feel like this is an innocent exchange but unaware of this boy's intentions and she can find herself into trouble. Living with teens is a balancing act trying to keep communication open while not ignoring the red flags. Good luck!
