So my husband stayed last night because it got really late. He slept on the couch. Today i made him leave. I was hoping he heard me when i said i need help and a break once in a while. He came home over an hour late. Hung out with kids for one hour, then he worked out for an hour then he studied. While i put the kids to bed by myself. Bath, shower, snack, blah blah. Now i can't expect him to help because he's not here. Yesterday i was really sad, but today i feel relieved. Now what do i do? He took his stuff and will get to see kids on weekends. Since i'm pregnant what would you do about the birth of baby and so on? Should i let him be there? My gut says no. His mother wanted to come to birth, but no way i am going to let her now. I don't get along with her well anyways.
Thanks for you advise ladies. My husband is supose to put the kids to bed everyother night and he knows this. He is supose to do baths, snack,ect. We have a routine everynight that starts at 7:30. However many nights he is all about himself and i end up doing it and getting pissed that i dont get my break. As for his mom i would prefer for her to watch our kids and not be present at birth. She invited herself and lives in IN anyways, so might not be here when it happens anyways. My mother passed away when i was a teenager. My stepmother has been there at the birth of my other 2 children and i guess i'll have her there for this one too and my dad will take kids. I totally agree that he has every right to see all of our kids and my kids love him. I wouldnt take them away form him. He just needs to make that effort, i'm not gonna baby him anymore. His mom was divorced when he was 2 because his father cheated on her. Both of my husbands grandparents cheated on their wives and one evern had a child with one of his mistress. his mom babied him last time he cheated on me and blamed me for not taking care of him enough. They are mexican and i am white and that has always been an issue for my MIL.
I dont think I would let him be in the room with me, but I would let him come in after the baby was born. A previous person asked if he was a good father. The answer is clearly no if he would do this to his kids and pregnant wife. As for MIL, she should have raised her son to be a real man, she can also meet the baby after its born. Gosh, Im pissed off for you. Let me know if you ever want to talk. When are you due? Im preggo too.
You have to do what your gut tells you to do. Sometimes, your heart tells you to do things your gut says not too. Evaluate the situation, and follow your instinct. Hopefully, whatever your decision is...you won't regret it later.
Is your husband a good father? Is/Has he always been there for your kids, other then working. Will he be there for the baby, after the baby is born? If he isn't a great father, and he won't be there later on, I would definately say no. Surround yourself with loving people, not negative ones.
I'm sorry I didn't read your other post.
If I could go back and not have my ex in the room and my MIL I would. They didn't even want me to have my daughter anyway (Long Story) Then after she was born the MIL said "We just didn't think we would love her so much" My DD is now grown and almost 24 and he gave up his rights at his request after I married my husband and none of them have anything to do with her. If I knew then what I know now I wouldn't have let any of that family have contact with her and I certainly wouldn't have let them be present. I thought I was doing a good thing but they hurt her so much in ways I don't even want to go into but if you have a bad feeling go with it your baby won't even know they are or aren't there. Just the few things you said he sounds useless anyway and kids do survive without a Dad around. You want a stress free birth and if you don't get along with her then that would cause you stress.
I agree to a certain extent that he has a right to be there. However, what I teach in childbirth classes is that whether you feel safe and secure does affect your labor. Sometimes you have to choose your own needs over being polite. Even if you do have them there, it doesn't sound like they'd be too much of an effective support. Consider a doula. I see you live in Tucson. If you lived closer I'd offer my doula services and work out something considering your financial situation. (I live in Prescott.) But there are volunteer and low-cost doulas you should be able to find. Like you could call DONA and ask if anyone who lives in Tucson has taken a workshop recently. http://dona.org/ And ask any doulas you can find about it.
This is about you and the baby, it's not a freak show. As the one giving birth you have the say so as to who goes in the room or not. So everyone stays out except your mom. THey can all wait in the waiting room. THis is the time you need to focus and you dont' need anyone stressing you out. And if your mom stresses you out then, she goes away too.
His mom can be the best help by keeping the other kids, maybe she would like to do that for you.
I would try putting your angry/hurt feelings on the back burner. When he goes to work out can you kindly ask him to help when he comes back? Can you try to kindly ask him to specifically give kids bath? I think a lot of times we have expectations and men don't know what to do. They need a little positive instruction. Be specific and do it with kindness.
Try thinking about the kids specifically. Even if dad does not know how to be a dad like you want him to be, the kids need him. I think that your new baby has a right for both of you to be present and your husband has that right as well. I think you should have a sober conversation with him about whether he wants to be there or not. His mom can wait in another room and you definitely want to express to him that you need to be supported if he's going to be there. That's a really hard situation yet try to be mature and open to possibilities for the health of your children and yourself.
I haven't read your previous post(s) and so this answer is based only on this one. Hoping he heard you say you need help is too vague. Tell him specifically what you want him to do. If you wanted him to help put the kids to bed, tell him "please help me put the kids to bed. Would you run the bath water, please." or whatever it is specifically that you want him to do. He's not a mind reader. And....men tend to be much less sensitive to figuring out what needs to be done.
He's the father. If you want him involved with this baby then it will help for him to bond with the baby if he's present for his birth.
Sounds to me that you're angry with him and are not wanting him to be present because of your anger. I skimmed your previous posts and you have good reason to be angry. Even if the marriage won't work, he is still the father of your children. It's important for him to be a part of their lives. I urge you to get some counseling so that you can learn how to get him to co-operate with you. Best if he'll go with you so that you can both learn how to be with the other one but if he won't go, go for yourself so that you can learn some relationship skills. You can't hint and expect help.
i would not let him in the room when you're giving birth, but don't try to keep him away from the hospital. same with MIL. it's their baby too. just because you're mad at someone is not a good enough reason to deny them welcoming this new baby into the world.
You should let him be there if he wants....it is his baby too. He doesn't have to be there in the room but if he wants to be outside that is his right. It serves no purpose to make this anything but amicable. And remember that the MIL is your children's grandmother. She deserves to be in their life no matter how you feel about her.
