Flatulence - Am I Wrong to Request a Deodorizer?

That was hilarious - are you for real? Good thing you don't have a house of boys....they make contests out of it. "First chair in the butt horn section!"

Open some window and get a sense of humor.

Men are funny that way, and that's just what they do. I have 2 boys well 3 with my husband. They are proud of what their bodies can do. It sounds like maybe something else was bugging him. Maybe try to find out if there is something else. He does need to grow up though. That isn't something that is so important to fight about.

Ok, he's gotta learn to laugh about gas. And admit it's awful when it's awful. What else are you going to do when you get old and fart jokes are all you have? Anyways, a true gas problem is uncomfortable in more ways than one. I highly suggest Hylands Gas pills. They are homeopathic, and you take them when you have gas. Unlike Beano, which you have to take before you eat. Anyways, the gas pills have helped keep me from gas poisoning on more than a few nights after broccoli for dinner. ;) Good luck!

Dear Angela T,
You are not alone….I've been married for 6 years (this Saturday) to my wonderful husband. He's a great guy with a serious flatulence problem. He "lets loose" literally at the drop of a hat (or anytime he bends over). We've consulted with doctors and he's changed his diet...Still no improvements.
Why am I telling you all this? Well, we've realized that he's so accustomed to "doing it" that he hardly notices it. Hence, he rarely sprays deodorizers or apologized to friends, family or me. It's was so upsetting that it began to affect our marriage.
Anyway, I realized that I married this great guy and that he is not the entire problem. My reaction was a bit over the top and it embarrassed him. So I started saying "I love you too, honey," after each occurrence. By doing this, I was increasing his awareness while reminding him that he was loved despite this problem. We also had a long (non-judgmental) chat about how his problem made me feel unappreciated, unloved and forgotten. (I remember saying "it’s equal to you blowing his nose on my shelve" Nasty image, but he understood it instantly.) Now, he'll run to get deodorizer 7 out of 10 times. The other time I just hold my breath wait 2-3 minutes and quietly spray. NO more big productions...just a gentle, loving "shhh, shhh" of the can and it's over. Now, when I say “ I love you too, honey” and he says, with the spray deodorizer in hand “I love you back, sweetness.” What a change!!! I do hope that this helps.

There's no reason why you should have to smell his stinky farts (sorry) and be uncomfortable. I don't think you're wrong; he should be more considerate. Talk to him when it's boiled over and tell him it's gross and you will continue to light candles, burn oil, whatever...if he doesn't like it, too bad.

I think it's funny that he would get so serious about it. Farts are funny! And maybe he should be a little more light-hearted, laugh it off, and reach for the Lysol. It certainly wouldn't be something to get upset about.
My husband farts...they're disgusting...and then we laugh hysterically when they're really bad (like from Chinese food, just nasty!).
We try to keep things as humerous as possible. There are so many other things in this world to take seriously, and farts are definitely not one of them.

My guess is that he was embarrassed, and the easiest way to deal with that is to get angry. If he is angry then somehow it was all your fault. Next time don't say anything, just burn the oil. Not everything has to become an issue let the small stuff go so you have the strength to deal with what really matters.

It seems like the issue is deeper than just flatulence and requesting to deodorize.

I used to travel for business quite a bit. The first 24 hours back in the home was tough. My husband and I always seemed to go through a transition period. Emotionally, it was hard to travel and leave my husband and daughter at home for 2-3 days at a time. But, another part of me really enjoyed the "alone time" even though I would always work ridiculous hours while on the road. I was free from all the rules of home - all the compromises. I didn't have to consult a spouse about what to have for dinner; how and when things should be cleaned up; errands; etc etc etc. I was on my own schedule and it was a nice break.

However, upon re-entry to the house - I would arrive home exhausted having gotten very little sleep; the stress of the job hanging over my head; and jet lagged. I wanted to have a little free time to relax in my sanctuary/my home and re-fuel. I wanted to sit, relax and play with my daughter. Rarely was I successful in achieving this goal with the blessing of my husband.

Many times I was met with everything that needed to be done at the house i.e. my chores that had piled up during my absence and was dearly needing attention; or hear about everything that I wasn't doing or doing "right" according to house rules and compromises. It would immediately set me off, push me away and I would retreat to a different room of the house. Usually by dinner time the following evening - things would be back to normal - until the next business trip.

Business travel is difficult for all involved. My husband had his own set of concerns and stresses in my absence since, all responsibility of house and home fell on his shoulders - I wasn't there to share the burden (he was a stay at home dad). He was ready for me to jump right back into the swing of things upon my arrival home.

It took me quite awhile to understand his perspective, and I have to admit that until the tables were turned (now I am the stay at home mom and he is working FT and doing some travel) I didn't fully appreciate his perspective.

What came through for me in the request you wrote is that each of you may have a lack of appreciation and full understanding/compassion for each other's perspective.

Maybe I'm off base...

Farting is a normal bodily function and thank God we have it otherwise we would eventually explode. But, there is a balance. Since you share space he should respect your request to deodorize somehow - maybe he feels like burning oils is over the top - making a big deal out of something not so important...maybe he would prefer matches.

Pay attention to your approach - it sounds like he gets defensive in how you ask him to deodorize (maybe feeling attacked, judged, or criticized). Talk to him about it from your perspective and your feelings. For example: "Honey, I know farting isn't that big of a deal - I don't want to make you feel bad or ashamed for doing something that is normal, but there are times that the odor is really too much, and I am sensitive to strong smells. Since we are a married couple and share space, can we work together to find a solution to this that works for both of us?"

Maybe agree on a room in the house that he is free pass as much gas as he desires stinky or not, but that when he is in the common space - he lights a match (since scented oils don't work for him).

Onto the source of the flatulence:

Has he been tested for food allergies? The test is pretty simple now - a finger prick is all it takes and in a couple of weeks he will know his food allergies. If he is eating a food that he is allergic to like wheat, dairy or soy - this could cause some really stinky gas.

Also poor food combining can cause an abundance of gas. If he eats protein and carbs together (poor combo) If he eats fruit with anything (poor combo), and if he drinks water or other liquid with his meals (poor combo) all these bad combos can cause gastric distress and increased production of gas.

Why apologize for nature? When either my husband or I lets loose, the other may cheer for our comfort and admire the fart, especially if it's a really fragrant or loud one. We are just so glad the other is alive and living with us in a body!

Contrary to another letter, flatulence does not contain "particles" of poop, but rather volatile molecules which carry certain scent signatures, which fit certain receptors in your nose. Yes, these molecules (clusters of atoms, and way smaller than a virus) do arise from digested matter in the intestines, but they are NOT that matter – you are NOT getting poop in your nose, any more than you are getting flowers in your nose when you smell them.

If you find your husband's farts truly overwhelming in spite of your love, then gently urge your hub to use the bathroom or go outside if he is able. Some people are much more sensitive to smell or other sensory input, and that can be a difficult burden. It's best to have this conversation when he is not experiencing flatulence, though, or else you will certainly make him feel defensive and shamed and angry - not an easy place from which he might respond in a positive or adult way.

Be aware that virtually all air deodorizers contain toxic ingredients, and some are REALLY bad. I would NOT want to expose my child or anyone I love to those chemicals. I was exposed to airborne chemicals in the line of work for a couple of years, and have been ill ever since – I'm now so sensitive to traces of people's toiletries that I have had to leave theaters, restaurants and other public places when people come in wearing lots of perfume, and I can't even go into public restrooms that use air fresheners. Don't risk pushing your child in that direction! Here are just two of many sites where you can read about the risks, which include cancer and reproductive disorders: http://www.nrdc.org/media/2007/070919.asp / http://www.americanchronicle.com/articles/38721

I think you both overreacted. Of course, being a vegetarian family, we see our share of gas around here.

We always looked at it as a compliment. You are not going to fart in front of someone you don't love. Maybe he, in his odd way, took it like that?

I do think that humor is the best route. My husband will let one rip and I will be horrified and then try to top it. Then we laugh and move on. In the privacy of our own home that is.

If you guys are getting into this easily over a fart, then maybe the fart isn't the issue.

Given Angela's lovely follow-up to her original question, I can see that she doesn't need any more advice on this topic. (And thanks for providing the follow-up. I LOVE LOVE LOVE a happy ending!)

I just thought I'd share a fart story from the mom of three boys who has recently resigned herself to the fact that gas is going to be the punch line of WAY too many jokes in my house for the next 20 years.

I was cuddling on the couch with my 19 month old (who was getting over a cold and was more than half asleep) and I was watching Family Guy. (I know. I know. Not exactly a high class show.) My husband was due home anytime, and the other two boys were in bed asleep. The television dad ripped out the loudest, longest, most obnoxious gas in tv history. My mostly asleep toddler popped up and, still more asleep than awake, started looking around and shouted "DADDY!" at the top of his lungs.

When I told my husband about this, he burst into laughter and promptly sent out an email to friends and relatives to tell the story. When he went to work, he proudly told all the guys, too.

See what I mean? I swear that a man's sense of humor stops developing at the age of eight, so I've resigned myself to the fact that my life will be filled with fart jokes and I figure I better find the humor I had when I was a kid so I can have fun too! As the parent, my goal is make certain my little guys understand that there is a time and a place for this kind of thing. (Home - it's okay to relax and cut-up and be a little gross. School/work/church - it is NOT okay to be rude or offensive!)

Wish me luck with this!!!!

Hello Angela,

Flatulence is not pleasant but neither is being "rude" about it when it happens. If it is something he particularly struggles with a lot, perhaps you could figure out something that help his stomach digest better. The smell does pass but if it bothers you so much just keep fragrances going all the time or light them unoticeably whenever he is home. It is not worth making him feel like an inconvenience or nagging him to deodorize for himself. That's my 2 cents.

You want to be a fragrance of beauty to him in action and attitude? Yes!? Treat him well through the stink! :)

Just my 2 cents!

Hi Angela, no your not wrong, it's common courtesy.

Consider the option of just burning it without saying anything about his flatulence. People have different experiences and expectations around this sort of thing, and family histories of how these things are talked about and dealt with are really important keys as to what is offensive and what is not. It clearly makes him feel embarrassed in some way. But remember, anger is a secondary emotion that occurs out of a base emotion of fear. There is a fear that his gas is connected to which may mean he fears you find him disgusting, you don't accept him as he is, he doesn't have the right to be in the world and take up space or inconvenience others, etc.

So give the guy a "way out" of his embarassment. If he has gas and it is bothering you, just quietly get up and take care of it without talking about it. Give him a kiss or a hug before you sit down again to communicate acceptance and that you value him. Then don't mention it again.

I think you were rihgt to ask. Make sure you did it politely and if you didn't apolitize for not speaking nicely. Also if he was vary gassy he ate something that didn't agree with his system.

No, I don't believe you're wrong, and if I were you, I wouldn't apologize.

My husband can peel paint off the wall in the bathroom(exaggerating a little, but not much), and I have suggested he go see someone tooooo many times to count, and he won't do it. Most of the time he Ousts the bathroom, but sometimes he doesn't, and when I say something, I get the crusty looks too.

I don't know what's worse: breathing the odor or breathing in all the perfume from the spray. Neither one can be healthy, but at least the stench is gone.

Good luck to us both.

K.

It sounds like he's embarassed and he might have been tortured while away by trying to keep it to himself and then he got home and wanted a safe place to, as you say, let loose. Your reaction probably pointed out the pain and embarassment he's been having while away, so he was hoping for more safety and freedom from you. It's not nice for you, I know, but maybe you could just gently tell him you love him but burning a bit of oil does wonders to make it more tolerable. Also candles buring attract the bad smelling gas and burn away the bad smelling parts. They do wonders in bathrooms too. I think you just need to be more affirming in your love for him and your happiness that he's around...it sounds like that's what he's asking for (albeit in a man way)!

No, you are certainly not wrong to request deodorizer. I request that my husband and son (age 15)go sit on the toilet when they get that way. Your husband is acting like a spoiled little boy saying what he did to you. Are you suppose to just sit there with him and smell it along with him??? I think not!! How gross and insensative of him.

Why not go buy a bottle of Beano for him to try. I have it on hand for my son. Yes, I know we all have flatulance but come on!! That's just rude....

If something like that bothered him, there was probably something else that was probably bothering him more and that just tipped him over the edge. It might have been a tone in your voice, or it might have been that something went horribly on his trip. Did you ask him about his trip or welcome him home before asking him to deodorize? Just consider that it might have been something else and maybe, gently, ask him about it.
My husband farts a lot too, and his are very stinky, enough to make me gag at times! I just have a bottle of spray or a little box of matches available when we are together. I don't ask him to take care of it, I just spray. I just make sure that it isn't a scent that will make him wish he could fart again to get rid of the smell.

I would suggest that there is something deeper going on here. Something between you two that goes down to the heart. Have you talked and loved from your heart lately? My husband and I get irritated about these silly things when we feel lonely for each other.

On a practical view point, perhaps your husband doesn't feel good if his digestion is off. Mine is often off and we are working on a dietary change and healing from the inside out.

Maybe you could just burn something a half hour before he comes home? Or have candles burning in every room?

Hope this helps?

My husband does the same thing except he laughs about it, it kinda makes it a joke. I have to open windows or fan it from the area, its disgusting and rude-sometimes I cant even focus its so bad. I would say dont make that big of a deal about it because it sounds like its a guy thing. They dont think about it the way we do. I would apologize to your husband (sometimes its easier to give in than be mad) for hurting his feelings and just let him know that you realize he's different than you and does stuff differently. Maybe he will let you explain your stance, but dont let it become an arguement-if you see him getting frustrated just resort back to the apology. On another note, instead of asking him to light the candles or oils just get up and do it yourself that way you aren't calling him out or causing him any embarassment (that could be while is upset). Men are alot more tender hearted than they let out to be. Hope this helped.

It seems to me that your husband let you know your mistake when he apologized for "being an inconvenience" to you. Whether or not you meant it that way, it obviously made him feel unwanted when you complained of the smell. Yes, it's a reasonable request, but is it worth disturbing marital harmony over? I don't think so!! It's worth a little momentary personal discomfort to let your husband know you love him and will stick by him no matter how smelly he is. Trust me, he'll appreciate it!

I suppose if you're saying it in a kind, respectful way....

Has the "flatulence problem" been looked at or diagnosed by a doctor? I'd start there. If not, and the problem is persistent enough to make leaving the room not an option, I don't see anything wrong with using whatever method is available to help mask the smell. Perhaps a heart-to-heart conversation about the problem is in order. You know your husband best so you need to consider the best approach. He might just be embarrassed. But embarrassed or not, if he continuously breaks wind and doesn't take steps to ensure others aren't subjected to the unpleasant smell, he should expect the deodorizing to take place.

I will be married 20 years in September. My husband has smelled the house up I don't know how many times. I just get out the deodarizer and spray. Yes he gets mad when I spray (says he can't breath {hello,either can I!!}), but candles or oils, there is no way he'd get mad about that! I think you need to let your husband get over it! Does he think you should enjoy smelling that? But as far as you expecting him to light the oils or candles himself, I wouldn't expect to much.
S.

Absolutely not! He should have the common courtesy to leave the room and fluff in private so as not to offend others (even if it is family.) Sounds like he has underlying stresses in other areas in his life and took out his frustration on the closest target. Let him cool off and give him some space. This is absolutely a miniscule issue blown out of proportion.

This isn't a problem in our house as we don't seem to have a flatulence problem.

I don't think you did anything wrong in what you did, provided you did ask nicely. Next time, don't ask him to do it. Just do it. Don't say anything about the flatulence.

You might want to get more vegetables in your diet. Flatulence could be a dietary problem.

R.

My husband goes on a lot of business trips. Somehow air travel always seems to bring on gas--a normal bodily function, however offensive.
I think the big part of your question is his behavior. all I can say is that I know that when my husband comes back after being away for a few-several days there is always a bit of readjusting to each other that we have to do. He's used to his independence and I'm used to being the authority around the house.
I don't see anything wrong trying clear the air with a bit of deoderizer. Hopefully he just needs to readjust to family life. I'd just let it go and see what happens. Good luck!

I don't think you're wrong at all, but he was probably embarrased. Maybe next time, you might just light the fragrant oil and say nothing about it. Trust me, I'm not the best at doing it this way when my husband has gas, but I've been trying hard so he doesn't feel bad about it.

You probably embarassed him. He probably feels that home is the only place he can be himself and he is already self consious about his flatulence so when you point it out he feels threatened. Although since he is a man he is probably not in touch with his feeling enough to know this about himself so I wouldn't expect him to approach you about it. Maybe you can find a less abrassive way to deal with it, like lighting the oils yourself. Or maybe he needs to see the doctor about it. Maybe he just needs to take gas x or beano when he eats. Good luck

I believe your request was more than fair. Men can be very infantile. Buy him some beano, you can get it everywhere. Costco has it of course in bulk cheap. Ask him to eat a bowl(1 cup)of Plain Fiber One every morning for breakfast, it tastes good and it will help to make his bowels move better so you won't have to smell there rebellion. Have him eat some prunes this will help too.

I think he's embarassed and you're adding to it. If he has a continuous 'problem', it may be an indicator of a larger issue. Granted, some foods are known to produce an excessive amount of gas, but if this is happening all the time and the odor is so offensive to the point that you are using fragrance to cover things up, then something is wrong. Ask your husband if you can call and make a doctor's appointment for him. Be concerned for his health, don't be embarassed about an odor. In the mean time, watch what you're preparing for meals, avoid things like beans, cabbage, brussel sprouts, cheeses, ham, dairy products.... Beano might help make him comfortable. He may be lactose intolerant. You don't know for certain until he sees a doctor. Be a good wife and don't draw attention to natural body occurances that he has no control over unless you want him to hire trumpeters announce your departure from the toilet each time you void.

He was most likely embarrassedand or hurt. I would tell him that you didn't mean to offend him but it stinks.
My husband always complains about me..but he hate deodorizers more.
L.

You were not in any way wrongin asking that he take responsibility for himself so that you and your daughter are not inconvenienced by the smell. You stick to your guns...has your husband seen a doctor about this problem...there are things that work very well. Charcoal tablets..really cuts the smell even ifthe still have the problem...a couple a day.
Bean-o worksvery well to pevent the problem. Does he have a dairy intolerance? L.

LOL! I don't mean to laugh at your situation, but it sounds so similar to mine, it just made me laugh. I'm constantly asking my husband to spray, light a candle or leave the room or do something, so I don't have to smell it. It's so unattractive. I mean, yes, it's completely natural, but it defintetly doesn't need to be shared.

I don't really have any suggestions, although from his response, it makes me think that maybe you could handle the situation differently. Use a different tone or different approach. Try some different deodorizer other than oils.

This is just me, but I would apologize, not for requesting that he use deodorizer, but for how I handled the situation and ask him if he has any suggestions.
Good Luck

My husband requests our daughter to go to the bathroom to fart.

The grossest part about a fart is the reason you can smell it (and any other smell) is because there are tiny particles of that in the air!! So you are actually getting poop in your nose.

I would ask him to go sit on the toilet and push it all out.

Hang in there! My husband's isn't so pleasant either. Sounds to me, though, like something else is bothering him - not just you burning oils on this occasion. Maybe he's really sensitive about his problem or maybe others have said something to him too.

I do not think you need to appologize for deoderizing the room, however I do think you BOTH need to lighten up about a perfectly normal and healthy bodily function. We all pass gas, if he gets upset just go get the deoderizer without making a big deal about it. Sounds like he is a little sensative about his flatulence. Good Luck

No, you were not wrong, but that doesn't make it any easier for him. He is probably embarrassed.

Angela,
I completely see both sides of the fence. Been there, done that. For you, I can see the irritation with having to deal with a stinky room. What sounds awful is that you tried to cover up the odor with scented oil. I have never found air freshners, candles or scented anything cover up gas. I only found the odor of gas and flowers which is nauseating.
The solution in our house is open windows and a fan. We also take tums.
Looking from your husbands side, I would be completely angry too. Think about it, coming home from a business trip where you were at the mercy of whatever restaurant was available to eat at. Your digestive system is not happy with these foods. You haven't slept well because you weren't in your own bed and you probably had to deal with bitchy people on the road or in an airport. You come home to relax, pass some gas that has been building up for who knows how long only to have your spouse enter the room and start lighting some scented oils.
He may have already been irritated before you came into the room and perhaps the particular scent you used set him off.

In our home, we all have issues with gas. My husband when he eats spicy foods and chili. Me when I have onions, cooked or raw. Both of our boys when they need to go poop. My father-in-law when he has too much raw cauliflower. We make big deals about it, but from a child's point of view. We also open a window and turn on an exhaust fan in our kitchen. Also the old standby, Tums.
When all is said and done, if I'm in a bad mood, I just leave the room.

Take care of yourself and try not to let the little stuff get to you, even if it is a major stink. You love your husband and he loves you. Think about things from eachothers perspective and move on.

Best wishes.

He should know "it stinks" and communication is the best key. Let him know, polightly that it is offensive and you would to share the room with him and if it's "taco night" "fabreez it up". He should be okay. -washington

This may sound funny, but with toddlers and young children, the key is giving options...making it their choice. Perhaps when it bothers you, you can ask your husband to either burn oil or leave the room to pass gas. In my household, we often have the opposite problem. My husband does not usually get gas, but I do...particularly just before I start my period (never happened before I had kids...don't know why it does now). Sometimes it can be quite bad, so I normally appologise and/or warn him when it happens, but if he asked me to burn insense or aromatherapy oils, I would not be offended. Men just seem to be different. There are certain things that they just "dont' get" and a lot of them seem to prefer to smell the stench than the stuff that covers it up. I think you are in every right to ask him to either do it somewhere else or cover it up. That should not be something that he is mad about...you asked him to do something about it and when he CHOSE not to, you took it into your own hands.

Hi Angela! Ok, here is what I am hearing, he seems to be terribly embarrassed by this problem, and really doesn't want it pointed out! Unfortunately, you have to breath too!!! So, no you are not wrong, but I would suggest that he see a doctor, they have meds to help with that kind of continual problem. I would let him know that I understand this isn't something he has real control over, but at the same time he needs to have some consideration for other people in the room. I would spend as long as it took on line to see if I could be feeding him something else that might help, but the doctor is still the best line of defense!! Make sure he knows your willing to help with what ever you can, but he has to recognize the problem. On the off chance he is still unreseptive, I would get mad, and I would tell him maybe he is doing it on purpose, if he doesn't want to try to stop, or at least minimize the problem. Sad, but some people actually think that its funny! Ok, good luck honey, R.

In my house, normal bodily functions are considered funny- not to the point of being rude and disgusting, but a good sense of humor about it. No one ever gets offended or embarrassed because of it.
Also, if your hubby has an actual problem with flatulence, it may be something in his diet...allergies? Acidopholous and live cultures in good yogurt will help digestive problems.

Hi Angela,

I don't you were suggesting a bad thing, but I have ran into this problem several times before. My mother would complain to my father so much about this issue, that he would usually leave the house to deal with it and stay away from her for awhile. That was after the arguments that he didn't think it was a big deal and her insisting that it kinda was. Anyways, for my own experience, most guys I have known think it is rather humorous, until, as say, you ask them to do something about it. My husband is very noxious that way but I would just open windows, doors, etc., as he is very touchy about the whole subject (like yours) and feels personally insulted when I do even that much. But we don't get on well on many topics, this being just one. I would suggest that if he is uncooperative and takes it personally, that you do what you can and minimize it so he doesn't get upset. If you think you can get somewhere with him by talking to him about it when it is not happening and he can be calmer about the whole thing, then go for it. Personally, over the years, I have very much lowered my expectations for men in general on this topic and therefore find myself pleasantly surprised from time to time by the occasional thoughtful male. Good luck.

Sounds to me like there is something else going on...Is he angry about work? Is there anything else going on that this simple and reasonable request may have triggered a unreasonable response? good luck !