My daughter has always been a terrible sleeper, right from day one. She's now five and finally can calm herself down and sleep through the night by herself. We had a routine where she got a bath, had a snack, we read a story, and she went to sleep by herself at 8:30 PM, not waking up until between 7 AM and 8 AM. Perfection! Then we went on vacation for two weeks. It has been a week that we've been back, and here I am at midnight seeking any new ideas because we are right back at square one. Before bed she soaks in a warm lavendar bath, has a snack, and we read a book. In bed with her she has a heated herbal wrap, there is an air purifier for white noise and healthier air, there is a Pediacare plug-in for soothing menthol scent, she has a night light on, she has her favorite blanket, several stuffed animals, all of her pillows, a drink of water, and even her real-live cat. I took her to the doctor to make sure she isn't sick, and he said it's okay to give her Melatonin because of the jet lag (six hours time difference) to try and "right her system". Today was only the second dose. It relaxed her last night and kept her out pretty well, but not tonight as much (please no negative comments about medicines, I don't give them unless it's absolutely necessary).
Here's the basic problem, she's throwing tantrums about having to go to sleep. Nothing is scaring her, she's not complaining about fears, she simply does not want to sleep and is acting crazy over it. Crying, begging for me to give her morning, yes, asking me "please make it morning Mom", gagging nearly to vomiting. It's truly a behavior issue because it's happening when she's awake. We've set consequences and rewards with her, and she receives both promptly. Mostly grounding from playdates and cartoons so far, and rewards like special treats for when she has gone to bed over the past week without a tantrum. I've talked with her during the day, away from the heat of the problems, about what's going on, asked her what's wrong, and she tells me she just wants to be able to go to sleep. She wants to sleep!! Being a kid who never throws tantrums, this is all very sad for me to watch. It breaks my heart to see her distressed, but at the same time she is acting so crazy about going to sleep!! I've researched, read magazines, articles, books, asked others for ideas, talked to her doctors, talked to her....
Any ideas? Please be positive as I have truly tried every single thing out there and am tapped on my knowledge. My husband thinks it's all crazy behavior, I tell him every other Mom out there tells me the same thing goes on in their houses and they end up sleeping with their kids. It's what I did for a couple of years, but I'd like to sleep in my own bed now. Help?
Thank you to everyone who offered advice and support for us.
Keeping in mind this was all triggered because of jet lag from our vacation to Hawaii, which has a six hour time difference for us, here's what the result has been.
My daughter's a smart girl and a master negotiator, so I absolutely used the reverse psychology. I told her, "Fine, don't go to sleep, just rest and keep quiet. But you must let Dad and I sleep because that's what we choose." That was an epiphany for her. The Melatonin was not enough to keep her to sleep, so we've switched to Benadryl and it's keeping her asleep much better without the crankiness upon waking. She has seasonal allergies anyway, and it's what her doctor prefers I use, so it's a win win there.
Realizing her fear of nighttime spearation, which is truly what the problem is, we compromised with her and she is allowed to sleep on the couch, which is one room away from us. In this method, she sleeps through the night without waking us. She has pictures of us beside her on the table, and with her animals, heated wrap, and favorite blanket, she is much more calm, better rested, and functioning better throughout the day, as we all are.
Based on some of the advice I received, some of you may say we caved, we didn't. She is still required to sleep by herself through the night without waking us up for silly things. We chose to help ease our daughter's fears about separation during the night. I thank each and every one of you who talked about their fears as a child. As my husband and I talked about this, we both recalled that as children he slept on the couch and I was a sleepwalker.
All of you Moms and Grandmas out there are wonderful!! I thank you!!
Even when you've had a bad night, do you still get up at the same time? You need to establish a morning routine as well as the night time. At night once you've put her to bed..read book..etc...walk out of the room & stay out. Leave her to herself. She may be doing it so extreme for attention.
K.
I'm not much help here but I just want to say I feel you and wish to give you support. I have a 6 year old who has been waking up in the middle of the night for a few years now. It's not every night but most nights. He neither resists going to bed nor has much trouble falling asleep but anywhere between midnight and 4am, he'll wake up and wander about. Sometimes, he'd watch TV, raid the pantry, fall asleep in strange places or wake his little brother up to play. We know he's not sleep walking and we've devised all sorts of ways to lock the TV, pantry and fridge. We've just stopped short of chaining him to the bed. We saw a neurologist who prescribed him Clonidine but I'm leery of drugs so have yet to fill it. He's referred us on to a Sleep Clinic and we'll see if anything comes of that. We may need to check into the allergy route as well. We too have carpet and cats since day 1. It may be psychological too, like nightmares. Our son has told us about bad dreams (which he seems to have moderately frequently) and asked if I or his dad or his brother can sleep with him.
I hope you get some good answers here as I'll be following this thread. Goof luck.
Jenn
Hi, K. --
What you're going through sounds quite a bit like what we went through with my daughter from the time she started sleeping in her crib until she was about 2.5. She's now nearly 3.5, and sleeping is no problem at all.
You sound to me like an analytical, intelligent person... you've covered your bases, considered all stimuli, explored the physical, aesthetic, and psychological, and you've tried to create a routine, a structure, and an environment. What else could there possibly be, right? We did the same thing and could also ennumerate every article in her bed and/or routine...
So, the only thing I can suggest that might help is to do just the opposite of what you're currently doing, or modify it in an unexpected way. We found that, over time, our daughter would tend to "outthink" the routine and the expected structure of things would actually come to be an obstacle to sleep. I know, that sounds nuts, but, I believe, for some children -- especially creative, mentally energetic types -- there's a compulsion to push the boundaries of routine.
So, when I would see that trend coming on, I'd change things up a bit so that my daughter would have something that she had not yet figured out how to predict or correct for.
What I'd suggest for you is that you create a new ritual, and involve your daughter in its creation. I think this is a powerful way for her to become confident that she is in charge of her ability to sleep. Remove everything from her bed. Remove the scents. Change the bath scent. Rebuild the ritual from the ground up. Don't deprive her, but surround her with the minimum necessities. I feel from what you've related that perhaps your daughter's saturated with stimuli. Maybe she's more mentally and physically sensitive than you can realize, and so many things (scents included) for her to process and be surrounded by could be preventing her peace rather than bringing it into being.
Also, obviously, she can sense that you're hurting for her and with her over this. I'd suggest for you what I have had to do with myself... get off by yourself for a few minutes before going into bedtime battle and center yourself. Be confident that you can help her find her rest, and convey to her that you're confident in her ability to find her rest, too. She needs to turn off that little head, so the fewer the distractions or food for thought, the better.
When I was in college, I was so keyed up all the time, I could scarcely sleep, even when I was exhausted. When I would start to think of sleeping, I would immediately feel stressed because I knew how tired I was and wondered if I'd have the energy to get up in the morning when I needed to. Then, the longer I could not fall asleep, the more stressed I would become, knowing I'd be that much more tired. And, thus, the viscious cycle continued. I don't think I ever discussed this with anyone, but, if I had, I bet someone could have helped me by teaching me techniques to calm myself, control my thoughts, and put my worries aside. It sounds like your daughter is going through this in her own kid way.
Maybe, for a little while, rather than reading a book, you could do some very basic yoga - stretching, centering, things to help the mind relax rather than getting it going, as a book might cause it to do. Then, when she's got a handle on letting her mind go to sleep, you can reintroduce the reading part of the ritual.
I SINCERELY hope these suggestions help. We analytical people have a whole list of things we desperately want to do RIGHT, in a very specific way. We want to figure things out and create a plan. Sometimes, we have to see the bigger picture - that these little people are being bombarded by images, sounds, scents, concepts, emotions, and other stimuli all day long -- and it's exciting... maybe too exciting to filter out what's not needed long enough to shut down for evening repairs.
Take care,
H.
I don't know if this would help, but when I was little I always loved taking a little walk around the block before going to bed (this was in my jammies or a sweat suit after I had my bath) or even just being in the back or front yard. The fresh air did wonders for me - I think it just helped me relax. I also liked having my room aired out before bed time and I enjoyed sleeping with the window open. Maybe it would help your daughter.
K.,
We have a child with a sleep/wake cycle disorder, and we have used melatonin too. I do not know how much you have used, but we are allowed to use up to three 3mg tablets as we recently transitioned off of one sleep medication to another. It does not sound like she has the kind of disorder our daughter does, because she is able to stay asleep once she falls asleep, so I would not worry too much about something being wrong with her.
My suggestion would be to stop negotiating with her. Stop talking about it during the day, and when it happens, take her back to bed without a word, do this again and again until she sleeps, and no matter how much she screams, don't engage her in a "rational" conversation about why she is behaving this way. She is a smart kid, and smart kids who get to discuss why they are doing something you don't like tend to think that the reason they misbehave matters, and it doesn't. If why they missbehave matters, they will always negotiate thier "right" to misbehave. The more you milk this cow, the more milk you will have...I can tell you how bad that is once they are 16!
M.
i didn't read responses so sorry if n/a or repeat. it sounds like you truly have done everything. i would keep giving the melatonin as it may need to build up in her system and it's something your body produces naturally so don't worry about "medicating" (my opinion) also if you must sleep with her try sleeping on the floor to let her know you're there but not setting the habit of having your comforting touch, and to not wake her up going back to your room or just sit in with her until she falls asleep maybe she's anctious (sp?)and just needs to know you are literally right there. another sugg. if this keeps on, you might have to really look at everything she eats drinks, her activity etc. i really wish you good luck it's so hard to see our little one's so uncomfortable.
Wow, I'm surprised that only one person noticed that you have just arrived home from a vacation with a 6-hour time difference! It seems to me that she is just trying to adjust back from that big change. Especially since you were there for a whole two weeks, which is just enough time to get your body used to the time difference. I lived in Japan for 3 years, which is a 12 hour time difference from EST, and believe me, that is huge for a little kid. Generally, arriving at our destination and staying for 2 weeks (which was generally the length of our visits home) wasn't too bad as far as jet lag is concerned, but adjusting back after the trip was really hard! It never took under a week. And since it sounds like you and she both like routine, it's not too surprising to hear that she's having trouble.
The best thing for this, in my experience, it to try to get her to sleep normal hours by tiring her out. That means that no matter when she goes to sleep at night, wake her up at her normal time (or earlier if you like) and keep her busy and as active as possible all day long. (Try taking her to the zoo or the park or some other fun place that can keep her stimulated) Do NOT let her take a nap (watch out for the car ride home!). Make sure she's as exhausted as possible at her normal bedtime. Then do your bedtime routine and let her crash :) Don't worry if it doesn't completely work on the first day. Be patient and realize that she's as frustrated as you (or more) and that she'll eventually get back on track. If she can fall asleep an hour earlier each day, that's progress.
Good luck!!
J. B (SAHM of 6 yo girl and 2 1/2 yo boy)
Hi K.,
May be she is allergic to the lavender bath, and or the cat, and this is how she is responding to the allergy.
I would try giving her an allergy medicine, like liquid Benedral an hour befor bed time and see if that doesn't help.
You didn't say where you went on vacation, maybe she picked up a parasite, like pin worm. They make some children restless and not want to sleep.
Good luck on figuring this one out!
Our now 6 yr. old daughter has traveled everywhere with us since she was born. At 16 months she went on a 16 day cruise with us.
Vacation will always through their schedule off for a while. Your daughter may just be at that moment when because of vacation it has brought on a change in her sleep habits.
That has happened a couple times with our daughter. It would've happened eventually anyhow, but vacation brought it on quicker.
It may be time to make her bed time one hour later, or no naps anymore.
I used to get very scared about going to sleep - no specific fear that I could name - I just didn't like it, at all. The thing was in my house, the punishment for acting out was worse than dealing with the sheer terror I'd feel sometimes lying alone in bed.
My daughter, who is 6, could keep herself awake half the night every night until she absolutely collapsed from exhaustion. My answer? Most nights I sit in a chair in her room. I don't touch her, she doesn't talk, and if I talk it's to say, "Stop fussing. It is time to go to sleep. The way to go to sleep is to close your eyes and lie still." It's is not the least bit... affectionate... but it does prevent her from a) feeling alone; b) keeping herself up by playing with her stuffed animals, whispering to them, etc. and c) then I know for sure that she IS asleep. Usually, she falls asleep in less than 15 minutes and I use that time to read by the nightlight.
By the way, are you straining the purifier by running the menthol thing at the same time? I know that my air purifier was REALLY expensive... :)
Good luck to you!
E.
When she won't go to sleep do you stay with her in her room or do you leave her there, alone? Sleep really isn't a demand thing that happens when we want it to happen.
Explain to her calmly that it is bedtime, you expect her to get into bed. She doesn't have to go to sleep but she needs to rest, in her room. I would just follow the routine you currently have (and by the way I think it is a great one), kiss her goodnight after the story and leave the room. If she goes to sleep fine, if she stays awake looking at a book, singing with the radio, telling stories to dolls or stuffed animals, fine, she is still in her room, in her bed, and resting. If she comes out direct her right back to her room and her bed, kiss her again, tell her to rest (not sleep) because you are very tired. Every time she comes out put her back in her bed and ask her to stay there so you can get some rest too. Go to your room when you are ready to go to bed, leaving the door open, and go to bed at your normal bedtime. She is old enough to come to your room if she has a real problem or a nightmare and really needs you.
I think sometimes we drive ourselves crazy and in turn our children by worrying too much over what we think should be normal and what we want to be normal. I think by offering her rewards for going to sleep you are adding stress and pressure on her, which we all know have the reverse effect. The harder she tries the more difficult it is and the more frustrating it becomes for both of you.
I have one child that was a night owl (DD now 28) and one that was a day bird (DS now 26). She would go to bed on time, after a bath, a story, etc., then still be awake at midnight or after and this was when she was two and continued until high school. I would get her up at 7 and she stopped taking naps at 4. As long as she stayed in her bed I just let it go. She would look at books, sing with the radio, tell her stuffed animals stories, etc. She just required less sleep than the rest of us seemed to and it was okay.
My son got up at seven, went to bed at 8:30, was asleep by 8:40 and that was his routine. He is the one who got up at 2 or 2:30 to go to the bathroom, got a drink, whatever and then went right back to bed and back to sleep.
P. R
Have you talked to her doctor something could be wrong.
Have you thought about calling her bluff.Okay you do ntohave to sleep,however, your door must be closed, you can have the soft light on. Here are your books, here is a cassete player to helo you "read" the books. Here is art papaer and crayons and markers. You may NOT leave this room for any reason. ( Have her go potty before "room time" and make her stick to it. Maybe have one of those portable alarm systems that ring real loud if the door is opened. And then tell her what time she is allowed to leave the room to get you in the morning. Either this will work and she will be happier and eventually fall asleep on her books or with marker all over her face LOL or she will be able to get rest and quiet time while you get rest and quiet time.
This also allows for ZERO drama. If it is at all about getting attention from you....... it isn;t working anymore and she will have to change her story. If it is real, every body is happy. I would sticklty forbid any kind of TV, Nintendo Etc. and keep all Okay activities to reading and drawing and leave it at that.
I'd love to know if any of the suggestions here(mamma source web site) worked. Let me know
It sounds like you have a great bedtime ritual established. I know you probably don't want to do this but you may have to "let her cry it out". Start by talking to her during the day(after dinner) and let her know that when bedtime comes after you've done your routine that she needs to stay in bed and be quiet even if she doesn't sleep it is bedtime just like before you went on vacation. She is on her own once she is in bed, no going back for you our your husband. If she gets up very calmly put her back to bed and leave her there it may take many times and lots of screaming on her part. You need to stay very calm and firm tell her that you love her and goodnight nothing else. My daughter is great at "wanting to talk" which is fine when it is 8 but not so good when it runs into 9-9:30 and she had school the next day. Good luck. YOu know what is best it can just get frustrating.
This is horrible to admit maybe in some folks eyes but i'll throw it out there!
When I was a kid, I hated bed time and gave my mom fits. Now I needed (and still do hee hee) a good 10-14 hours of sleep at night to function and be happy the next day so she hated when i wouldn't sleep.
By 5 she tried saying, "well, it's time for bed, you can be quiet in here and read, but you cannot play, leave your room or make noise etc."
Usually I was ok sleeping. If it's a battle of the wills, sometimes it's the end result of sleep you want and fight a battle for something else.
I HAVE gotten soem good ideas out of "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" and its written by a doctor who studies sleep and sleep problems and set up a clinic. It's not parenting philosphy AND it covers adolesence.
Good luck - you obviously care!
K., sounds like you're doing everything right, my only suggestions would be to pray with her that God will give her the calm peace that she needs to be able to sleep. Have you tried the warm milk I remember there is something in there that helps with sleep. The melatonin is wonderful I have used that myself, and that is not addictive. I used to use the count down for my son 30 min.until time for bed, 15 min.until time for bed 5min until time for bed this helped because he knew exactly when bedtime was. I also told him he didn't have to go to sleep just rest his eyes. Hope something will help I will pray sweet peace for you and your daughter. D.
Dear K.,
My husband and I took a parenting course when our kids were young and heard of a story similar to yours. They tried all kinds of things also. What was suggested to them was simple. The child seldom saw the parents together talking to eachother. Either she was asleep or taking a nap. So it was suggested that when the father came home from work the parents should have "couch time" together. That is where daddy sits at the couch with mommy and talks for about 15 minutes while their child remains in the room.
The child can played while the parents talked. Within 2 days the child slept the night without being coaxed or bribed. The child was insecure about her parents relationship because she never saw them together on a daily basis in a routine environment.
I hope this will help. It is worth a try. The father of this little girl did not believe it either and said if it works I'll eat my shirt. Well he proceeded to unbutton his shirt. You can find other parenting information on www.gfi.org. (Growing Families International)
L. M.
I wish i had some good advice, I only have sympathy. Our son, now 5 1/2, screamed for the first 36 hours of his life, (Thank God that ended there), but never slept more than 3 hours in a 24 hour period,until he was about 2 1/2, and he did it in 15-20 minute increments. Out of shear neccessity, I sometimes took him into my bed, as I was falling down exhausted. Fast forward 5 1/2 years, he still has a VERY hard time falling asleep alone, only in the past 2 weeks has he asked a few times to sleep alone, but it has to be on the sofa, not in his room.(and he still comes into our bed in the middle of the night, even on the night he asks to sleep alone) He will play alone in his room, so that is not the problem. He plays very indepentantly, I am very blessed there, he just is not a good sleeper. He just last night got up and ate icecream, after I fell asleep, and Ill be honest this scares me. I dont want him wandering around alone ( my husband works 2nd shift). I hope you find something that works for you, I feel your pain(exhaustion). I will be following this also. Good Luck, God Bless, A.
Sounds to me like a jet lag issue. What about tapes of the ocean waves, etc. in addition to the other? Give it a week or so and THEN decide if you should panic. It takes adults time to adjust too.
Have you tried transitioning the time vs strictly going back to her normal bedtime & time zone? Transitioning might be a big help here. i.e. if it was 6 hours later, let her go to bed a little later and transition it back to the normal time. Transition is very helpful in lots of situations that seem to be impossible to resolve.
Hi K. - Wow, this sounds hard. It does sound like you've done a great job trying everything. And it is SO HARD to do anything when YOU haven't had enough sleep.
Since you've tried everything else, I would do as some others have suggested and try to de-stress the situation. Yes, routine is great, but sometimes having to have EVERYTHING "just so" is stressful...every nightlight, sound, blanket...maybe just go back to your bath/snack/book routine and say "You can do this...you did before we went on vacation, you will do it again...don't worry." Having rewards/punishments associated with something is also very stressful. Just, as others have said, keep taking her back to bed w/o getting angry or worrying. Just keep saying "You don't have to sleep if you don't want to, just lie there quietly" over and over. If she wants you there, just sit quietly in a chair (or fall asleep yourself!) until she goes to sleep. If she has tantrums or gags during the day (OHH, that's hard) just soothe her and say "I know it's hard right now, but it will pass, don't worry." And BTW, tell YOURSELF this last phrase over and over! Give yourself three to four weeks, and see if it's better. I know... FOUR WEEKS!!?? My "sleep bible" when the kids were young was the book by Richard Ferber called "Solve your child's sleep problems." It doesn't matter if you disagree with the "Ferber Method," there is LOADS of great info in that book. GOOD LUCK, and let us know what happend!
