First Time Parents, and Overwhelmed

Hi,

Just want to add my two cents...hang in there. This too shall pass. Faster than you know it these days are over, don't wish them away so quickly even though it's hard. My second baby is now 9 months old already and I cannot even BELIEVE it. I am all sad over this and becasue of my age, he will probably be my last baby. Enjoy every minute, because you will look back at their graduation or wedding and remember when you brought her home from the hospital!!!

Take care!

Congratulations of becoming parents! It can be a challenge to adjust to life with a baby, no matter how many you have. Breastfeeding and mothering an infant is hard work and it is completely normal for you to want nothing more than to crash as soon as you can.
It is important to remember that it will pass. The baby will eventually sleep through the night and you and your husband will have your evenings and your bed back to yourselves.
For now, if at all possible try to nap when the baby naps. Since you are nursing perhaps you can lay down together in the middle of the day and get some rest. When your husband gets home, have him watch the baby for a while so you can take a few minutes to freshen up. Often times after caring for a baby all day, the last thing you want to do it be intimate in any way! Take a shower and put some nice clothes on, and do your hair and make up. This will help you feel attractive, which is rare when you have a newborn.
At 3.5 months, starting the baby on a routine will also help her to sleep longer at night. At the very least it should give you and your husband a few hours together before she wakes up again. I would recommend giving her a bath, putting some lotion and jammies on her, then reading her a story and cuddling with her. While some people would also recommend nursing her during this time, be careful because you don't want her to end up depending on nursing to fall asleep. However, if that is the only way, it's okay for now- she will grow out of it. This routine will give her cues to know when it is time for "bed" and she will likely sleep for a while.

Most importantly, remember that what you are going through is perfectly normal. Every mother goes through it,and it will pass. Try to focus on taking care of yourself first. Since you are the one that everyone wants attention from, it is easy for you to get burnt out.

I have certainly been there with the sleepless nights. In that department, try and hang in there. It does get so much easier! It is so hard that I told my husband "do not let me do this again!" But our precious daughter is now 15 months old and I already want another!

It is hard to find time together. Luckily my husband was pretty understanding. Hopefully yours will realize that more sleep=happier mommy/wife.

Please just let him know that it will get easier and that we all have been there!! This is just a small part of yours and your daughter's life. It will pass!

Feel free to message me. I really do know what you are going through!

Take care and hang in there!

Hi R.,

I do hear your pain, because I had my first son shortly after getting married. I think all moms go through this and sometimes I wished we were married longer before we had children. I know it's hard to stay awake to spend time with the hubby, but it's important to save time with him too. I made the mistake putting my children first all the time. I thought he would understand especially when son number two came along. I just realized that my husband is a kid himself too. So make sure you plan some alone time with him and 3 months is way too long for a man to wait...since it's Friday have time roll in the hay tonight!

Wow, do I totally understand! My husband and I spend almost 3 months sleeping on separate floors when my daughter was born!

I don't think anyone ever talks about how truly difficult it is to transition from husband & wife to Mommy & Daddy with baby. No one ever told me how tough it was going to be. It's a shock. My kids are no longer infants, but I still find myself missing that time in our life where we spent all our time, effort and attention on each other. This doesn't mean I don't love or want my children. But I think it's important to be honest with ourselves -- those days are gone for now. Your lives will be 100% focused upon your child from now until...well, I'm not sure when. I have friends that tell me things get a lot easier when the children turn 5...so my fingers are crossed! :)

In my personal opinion, with your infant as young as she is, I would not push yourself too much more. Sleep deprivation is awful -- AND you are still going through your rocky hormonal postpartum period in which you are susceptible to pp-depression. It is critical you take care of yourself. Only you can decide what this entails. Talk to your husband about what you feel you are currently capable of...and let him know that this is a temporary period of time which will end quickly.

By 9 or 10 months old, your daughter will be able to sleep 12 hours in a row without waking. Even sooner: once your baby is 4-5 months old, you will begin feeling more and more "like yourself" every month. Your energy will begin to return and you will be able to think again! It's just around the corner -- so hang in there!!

I don't know if you are in a situation in which you have people to help give you a break. I didn't -- and it was tough, but my husband and I made it through it together. But if you have others to lean upon, ask for help and get yourself and your husband away from the baby when you can.

Whether any of this helps or not, please know that you are not alone! I'm sure you are doing an awesome job -- so remember to be kind to yourself!

It is harder for some people than others, and different babies are different. My first was so hard (and my second so easy) so I feel like I understand exactly what you mean. Things got better slowly, but I didn't feel like I had a relationship with my husband that was back to the old days and pretty much normal for about a year. (I also had a painful tear in childbirth with some nerve pain lingering, so there were physical issues, and we were both working and exhausted, baby had colic, and so on.)

So that's the bad news. The good news is that this IS temporary and you WILL get your relationship back. Knowing that, you can negotiate a little. Maybe he gives you a little more physical space (I remember what that was like - after being skin-to-skin with a child all day, I just was touched out some days.) And maybe you could make some effort to get back on the sex bandwagon, even if it's not intercourse immediately. Those are just examples - whatever works for you guys.

But you aren't aren't the only couple who has ever been through this, and I know it must seem shocking to him. Maybe knowing he's not the only one from these messages will help.

Hi R.. I am a first time mom too , but my daughter is now 13 months old. I had a hard time adjusting to motherhood because my daughter had colic and cried a lot for about 4 months until she grew out of it. I know all about the sleep deprivation thing! All that I can tell you is that you are not alone, and I promise it gets better. Do you have anyone (family or friends) who could watch her so you and your husband could have a "date night". That really helped me at that time. My mom would watch our daughter so we could go on a date (dinner & a movie )which gave us some alone time and helped us stay connected. Try the date night thing if you can find a sitter.It will get better soon though. Hang in there.

There's no question that babies are stressful on a marriage. It sounds like what you're going through is pretty typical. In my experience (kid #2 is 16 months old now) you'll be happy to know that:
1. It *does* get better.
2. Your sex life will eventually perk up, but it may be 6 months from now, so be patient. Also use lots of lube, especially with breastfeeding :P
3. Your baby will eventually sleep through. It may not be for a while though. Once your baby is about a month or two older you can sleep train her. Even now, you can begin to help her learn to fall asleep on her own. Walk - don't run - when she stirs at night and you will be surprised that about half the time she'll fall back asleep within 5 minutes if you let her.
4. There are other ways to be close with your husband besides sex. Sometimes a great backrub or a snuggle is just the thing for two tired people
5. Try finding some time during the day instead of at night.
6. Get a baby sitter and GO OUT. Believe me - the baby will be fine for a few hours.
7. Learn how to nurse laying down and then do that at night. It's a lot less impactful to your sleep if you're half asleep when you nurse. This is the main reason I ended up co-sleeping with my baby for a few months.
8. Take some time on a regular basis (say, every couple weeks) to sit down with your husband and assess how things are going with parenting, with the marriage, with each other.
Oh - with the bottle thing, what finally worked fro my daughter was to pump some milk (just an ounce or so) and then immediately put it in a bottle, hand it to my husband, and leave. Also make sure you use a very low flow nipple (the Avent and Born Free ones seem to be best for breastfed babies I've found) and make sure your husband keeps the bottle pretty horizontal instead of tipping it up. If milk is dripping out the nipple more than about 1 drop per second, she's probably choking and gagging because the flow is too fast.

Best of luck with your new family!

You are very right in thinking that sleep will do wonders for your mood. I second the other responder's suggestion about taking a nap or two throughout the day. I tend to get a little cranky myself and a quick 15-30 minute nap really helps my outlook on life. My husband and I share a room, but sleep in different beds for the time being (I have a 4 month old). I don't think your sleeping arrangements and/or your lack of intimacy is that unusual for being new parents.

I feel loved by my husband when we spend time together, he feels loved by me when I do "acts of service" for him like throw a load of his clothes in the washer or throw the dishes in the dishwasher. If you are able to identify ways, other than "you know what", that he feels loved - I would say give that a shot. Doing just a couple simple things a day to make my husband feel loved goes a long way in making a happy home...and when I fail to do these things - and accidentally slip back into cranky, I am just grateful that every day is a new day and I can try to do better tomorrow.

I'm a first time M. with an 8 month old and I totally understand what you are going through. I didn't really give too much thought to my husband's comments on wanting to spend time alone. Then I realized that he was really craving attention and wanted to be with me. It was very flattering but I felt badly that it took so long for me to pay attention!

Do take these hints and try to do little things. Make sure to sleep together on the weekends since your husband doesn't have to get up early for work. Take a nap together when the baby sleeps. Spend some time just cuddling on the couch in the evening when he gets home (no harm in napping while the movie is on as long as you're next to him).

You will have to sneak away time to have dinner together alone sometimes. It makes a world of difference to get adult conversation back. Maybe a family member can watch her right after a feeding so you and your husband can grab a quick bite together (and it doesn't have to be formal). You can be back in time for the next feeding.

The intimate moments are a little harder to come by with the baby waking up so much but as she gets older, you will find/make time to be together. I remember being so paranoid that the baby would wake up in the beginning but he never did. Now we make dates with each other to kiss, cuddle and more. And don't worry, there will be times when both of you are too tired to make a date. Just try to do simple things that don't take too much energy or time. It's such a great feeling to reconnect romantically, though.

Best of luck to you! Don't worry, you'll get to sleep again soon and you'll forget all about being sleep deprived.

HI R.,

I can totally, one hundred percent relate to everything you are saying.
My beautiful, now 2 year old daughter, also named R.- was also exclusively breastfed, refused to take a bottle and I was a totally exhausted and worn out Mommy....and I felt like I gave everything I had to her, and had nothing left to give to my hubby.
We fought a lot, we rarely spent any "time" together, I just wasn't up for it, both mentally and physically.
I breastfed for a year, and she decided when she was done, but after a few months, I finally started to feel normal again.
I think there are 2 major factors at play here, lack of sleep and hormones.
Once you start getting more sleep, life will feel a little easier, and when you breastfeed your hormones change dramatically. Both of these things impact your life dramatically. It is so hard for our husbands to even begin to understand. I would suggest, talking with your husband, friends, whomever will listen about how your feeling.

Also, try to get sleep whenever you can. And take care of yourself...try to get some Mommy time, get a massage, get your nails done, go for a walk...whatever will give you a little downtime. I think that if you can talk to your husband about how you feel, and enlist his help so you can get some down time once in a while...that will help you and hopefully help you both to feel a little closer.
I also think that it's just such an adjustment to have a child that you have to relearn how to be a couple all over again. You have to really set time away for yourselves. My husband and I would try and do something together once or twice a week, ( Iwould stay up for an extra half hour or so) and we would play scrabble, or somehting like that. Just so we had dedicated time together.

I hope this helps...I know exactly what it is like to be in your shoes.

Good luck,
Char

Hi R.,

Reading your post, I feel like it could have been written by me as well. There've been times where I feel like I'm drowning, although at 4.5 months, I'm starting to slowly feel like it's getting a bit better. There are a few things I've worked out though, so here's my advice - for what it's worth.

My daughter also absolutely hates, hates, hates her stroller and the car seat. What she does like, though, is her moby wrap http://www.mobywrap.com/ It took quite a few tries to get her used to it - I had to start her in it for a minute and then build up over several days, but now I can take her out in it and she's totally content for hours at a time. I think it's because she can look around properly and she's safe next to mommy.

My daughter hates the pacifier also; unfortunately, we have to use our pinkie finger which is irritating, but at least she falls asleep with it and then we can slip away. Without it, she won't nap at all - even so, she still only naps for about 2.5 hours a day - I think she's just too curious. Until recently, she wouldn't nap at all unless it was on me. She just really needs to be near mommy. I've started using the E.A.S.Y. method from the Baby Whisperer and it's starting to help, but that's really only been in the last week or so, and I can't get the feedings part down.

My daughter is also very difficult to feed. As soon as she has a little bit in her tummy, she forgets that she's hungry and instead just starts to look around until I give up, but then she's hungry an hour later. I really have no idea what to do about this. I just try to tell myself that I'd rather feed a bright, curious baby often, than a baby who's not interested in the world less often.

As for sleeping nights, my daughter also wakes up often. I'd suggest co-sleeping. It's not great for your marriage, but as you say, neither is being sleep-deprived. You'll probably wake up just as often, but at least you can just roll over, latch your baby on, and then go back to sleep. Once you're starting to get a bit more sleep, you might find that there are ways to look at your situation and see things you've missed, or at the very least, you'll be a happier you.

Hope that this helps.

Are you home during the day? Try to get a nap during the day so you will have some energy for your hubby at night.

Another suggestion, the baby is in your room. You could join your husband in the guest room, have some fun :), then go upstairs to join the baby for the rest of the night.

Or move the baby to the guest room, leave the bed in there, start the night with your hubby, then move downstairs the first time the baby wakes.

If you can at least start out the night with your hubby, there will be more chance for fun things to happen! You need that bonding time with him, too, to get through all the changes with parenthood.

Best wishes.

My first 2 kids absolutly refused a bottle as well. (Luckily my 3rd doesn't mind a bottle). At that time we lived near family, so I started leaving my daughter (oldest child) with my SIL when she was a baby a few times a week for a couple weeks. I would give my SIL a bottle and some formula packets we'd gotten from the hospital when I had baby (although you could just use pumped milk). The baby didn't eat much and was definatly ready to eat when I picked her up, but when the bottle was all that was being offered she had to take it if she was hungry. Outside of that she refused bottles.
It is important for you and your hubby to go out. Once a week if possible. It doesn't have to be anywhere fancy or expensive, but just to be able to have one on one time with him without worrying about baby. If you feed baby right before you leave it should give you a couple hours where baby would be ok. "going out" could be something you normally think of like dinner or a movie, but it could also be something like walking around a mall (sounds teenager like, but is great and gives you both excersize!)and window shopping. Last weekend we went to an adult only chili cookoff and had a great time. I know this is easier said than done. Especially with no family in the area(we have that same problem now). Luckily my husband is good friends with a guy he works with and this friend and his fiance come and babysit for us sometimes. Last weekend I actually went as far as driving 2 1/2 (almost3) hours to pick up my younger brother (16) on Friday to have him babysit for us and then took him home Sunday. It might seem like a huge hassle, but it was worth it.
Also, definatly sleep when baby sleeps. I had a hard tme with that at first, but after being up and down all night with baby I knew I NEEDED that sleep. You can always do dishes or clean or whatever while baby is awake just set baby in a swing or bouncy chair or something like that.If baby fusses a little it's ok. It's not the end of the world if baby cries a little before you finish dishes. I don't know if hubby expects the house to be clean (since your "home all day..."), but if he does he may have to learn to be flexable especially during these first months. I was really good at keeping things picked up and cleaned up until #3 came along. Now sometimes its all I can do to get dinner on the table each night and clean cloths in our drawers/closets! Since #3 my husband has learned that sometimes I just can't get everything done and has become more flexable and appriciates it even more when the house is well picked/cleaned up.
You need to get you and hubby sleeping in the same room. My husband can sleep through most things so most of the time when baby woke up he didn't even know. If he did wake up he would just turn over and go back to sleep. (not too much interruption to him usually). Maybe try it for a night and see if he sleeps through baby waking up, or if it truly wakes him up and bothers him. I've heard of guys using earplugs at night, so they are not woken up by baby. Maybe that is an option for you and him. I know something that keeps me sane is sleeping next to my husband each night.
When hubby wants to watch a movie each night, go for it. I can't tell you how many nights we would curl up on the couch togethter to watch a movie and within about 15 or 20 minutes I was fast asleep while he watched the movie. I know my husband didn't mind that I was asleep as long as were together and he could watch his movie.
Also you mentioned no sex. That can really hurt a marriage. Maybe some night afer baby has fallen asleep if hubby is still in the guest room you can join him in there for a little while. Sometimes you have to make it a priority and make it happen. One time we were getting caught in that vicious cycle of being too tired and just falling asleep each night. One day I decided that I was going to make it a priority that day. Before he got home from work I took a shower. I did my hair and my makeup. I used my perfume that I hardly ever used at that point. I put on something sexy :). I made dinner as usual and had it on the table when he got home. I put on some music to listen to during dinner and we had a nice dinner. Then I fed baby and put him down in his bed. Came back out in the living room and we danced to the music and took things from there.
Sorry for such a long message. I hope some of this helps. Good Luck!

Hi R. You didn't say if your daughter is refusing formula or breast from the bottle. If it's formula, try pumping your breast for the milk and have your husband feed her sometime so you can get some rest. This way you and him can starting making love again and it doesn't have to be at bedtime. Just be patient still will get better.

I understand about the lack of sleep girl! My baby is 6 weeks. It is HARD! It isn't necessary for both to lose sleep, with that said, ask hubby to take the shift sometime too so YOU can rest. That is often times my sanity. It is hard but gets easier every day. congrats on your sweet baby!

My daughter will turn 2 next month and I know how you feel! She didn't sleep through the night until she was 6 months old and until then I didn't sleep more than 3 hours at a time for that entire time!! I wasn't nice, I didn't feel like doing much and as soon as she went to sleep so did I! After she started sleeping through the night, things were 100% better (thank goodness, I was on the verge of losing my mind!) I would definately keep trying the bottle before nursing, get as much sleep as possible you're husband has to know how exhausted you are and that you are a 24 hour milk machine to boot! I think that your daughter will eventually take a bottle as long as you keep trying, I know it is difficult, but she's also still very little. Once she feels more safe and adapted to her surroundings (she's new to all this too!) she will be much more open to trying new things (sleeping away from you, trying a bottle etc.). Another thing I did, which I know is difficult because of the stairs, but have her sleep in whatever she will be sleeping in permanantly, crib or whatever you choose and maybe sleep on the same level, whether it be on the couch or even on the floor in her room. That will help her get used to her regular sleep environment. I did that and like I said at 6 months one night she just slept all the way through and kept sleeping every night after. Just hang in there, get your sleep every chance you get and remember this WILL get better!

R. - your story sounds very similar to ours - beginning to end. While I may not have the best advice as I am a human pacifier to a 19 month old (it's taken it's toll,) I do have a couple things to share. While I believe your marriage comes first, the fact remains that your dh is a grown man who is perfectly capable of (temporary) adjustment and will make it through a little bit of disappointment. It sounds as if your baby is telling you what she needs, and babies tend to be more secure and well-adjusted when their support system is reliable. That being said, try to set aside a special time for your marriage once a week. That doesn't have to be your only couple time, but do something just for the two of you. Lastly, take care of mama! Sleep when she sleeps. If you aren't in good shape, you aren't going to be able to adequately take care of either of them. There's no telling when it's going to get better. It's very tough for husbands to understand the fatigue and the hormones, and it's tough on a new marriage, and as she gets bigger, it may be tough in a small apartment (although most of the world lives that way and does just fine!) Just don't give up and keep the communication going with your dh. I always wished mine would have researched this online on his own as I am not only bf-ing, but have too much estrogen and chronic pain issues anyway...it's hard for them to empathize. I'm sure it would be the same if the situation were reversed. Also, one more thing- there was a time where my dd was ready to go into a crib and I didn't seize the opportunity. Watch for that opening developmentally-speaking. Write anytime if you need to talk! K.

1. You sleep during the day when the baby sleeps. This way you may have some energy later in the day when your husband is home. If the house get a little messy so what.
2. Try the Nuk nipple on the bottle and make sure she is good and hungry. Breast milk in a bottle will taste great if she is really hungry. Once she finally takes the bottle Daddy can have some bonding time with his daughter feeding her.
3. Once she will take the bottle you can have a family member help out and spend to time with yur hubby alone.

Hope this helps.
C. F

The first 6 months are the hardest. In the case of having both of my children, I wanted to put my hair out and run sceraming into the night. It just feels like it will never end...no one is happy, everyone's in tears, your boobs hurt, you are no longer the most important person in the world, I could go on and on. It will end though, I promise. You just have to keep working at getting her on a a schedule. Once you do, it will be much easier. The best advice I can give you is to establish a solid bedtime routine soon. In the next couple of months is a good time to introduce that. It has worked wonders for us. To this day I have 2 children who know when it's time to go to bed and that's just what they do. My youngest is 8 months and even he knows. First we read, the lights then go out, the nightlight comes on, we turn on a lulaby CD and that's it.

You've gotten some good sympathy, but I didn't see much proactive advice.

Are you on any kind of schedule? I start from the beginning, waking the baby after feedings and playing with them as much as you can during the day (short spurts of course) so they are tired at night. Not playing after feedings and keeping lights down at night. (didn't learn until the second one-she was sleeping through the night at 6 1/2 weeks!)

Books: On Becoming Babywise is the best book out there to get you on a routine. It also explains how it's better for baby to sleep through the night (and for you!). It talks about trusting your instincts, but also trying to follow a 3 hour eat, wake, sleep pattern/schedule. The Baby Whisperer is similar with more focus on different temperments of babies. I was not able to get Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child from the library in time, but I've heard it's great.

Hope: My twins just turned 1. Following Babywise, one was sleeping through the night at 6 weeks, the other a few weeks after that.

Time with hubby: so hard! I would try to compromise. Can you try to stay up late one night a week and he will let you feed the baby and get extra sleep the next morning? Definitely nap when baby does, that helps too.

I KNOW it'll get better if you get on a schedule like this, trust me. Good luck!!

Please hang in there, R.. It does get better. In the meantime, you know that cliche, "sleep when the baby sleeps"? Do it! You will want to do laundry, dishes, etc. while your daughter is sleeping, but resist the temptation and grab a nap. Also, have you tried bedsharing? If you (safely, of course) bedshare with your daughter, you will hardly need to wake up when she needs to nurse. You may even fall asleep nursing and wake up with your nightgown flapping open and wonder how it happened! You'd be surprised how much sleep that saves you when you're not hopping up and down to pick up the baby every 2 hours. Try to resist the temptation to start solids early. It's not optimal for the baby and it often doesn't work to get them sleeping through the night. My son didn't sleep through the night until 13 months, long after he was eating lots of solids.

Everything you said can be described of MANY parents! Instead of having him sleep in the guest room, why not try to have him involved? He can be the one to change the diapers in the middle of the night, and bring the baby to you...I know it doesn't sound like much, but it is...this way, he is aware of all the awakings, and involved with taking care of your daughter, and you can do feedings while staying quite drowsy, since you aren't getting out of bed.
Stay up and watch a movie with him, cuddle--if you happen to fall asleep, he can't blame you, but you at least made the effort, and he will still experience some time with his wife, not the new mommy. This is a HUGE adjustment, and things will never go back to how it was. Men tend to have a hard time sharing you, and that is something he needs to work on.
Have you guys gotten out of the house without the baby yet? I know you said she doesn't take bottles, but you can get out for some air and alone time for a couple of hours, between feedings. She probably will take a bottle if she gets hungry enough, and you weren't around.
Hang in there--it will get easier. It may take a while, but it will get easier. Just make sure you two are sharing all the work, not leaving it all on you to do.