First Time Mom - Abington,PA

time to find a new daycare...they have a biter, a hitter and a hair puller? It is not the child's fault...the center cannot control the situations or they are handling them badly....time to move on....good luck

Your DCP has more experience with more kids than you have, if she suggests EI, I would at least consider it. There is certainly no harm in it.

Okay, the question I have for you is about his communication skills. Does your son talk well enough for others (besides Mom and Dad) to understand what it is he wants and needs? If he doesn't, this may be why your preschool teacher recommended having him tested for early intervention. If that is the case it could also be a trigger for the tantrums and the hitting at preschool. While there may not be a problem there, a professional can test your son and start speech therapy if needed so that he won't need speech classes later in elementary school. If you suspect this might be the case or what the teacher is thinking, it could well be worth it. I have found through the experiences of a couple of friends who have children with speech delays and other speech issues that the earlier they receive intervention affects the amount of intervention they will need. If they catch it early, they can correct the problem a lot quicker. It would also be worth asking the teacher why she suggested early intervention.

All that being said, children do not hear you when you talk to them during a tantrum. Tantrums were the exact reason "time-outs" were invented. They actually need that time to teach themselves how to deal with their own uncontrolled emotions. When my daughter (now 9) was that age, she was the Queen of tantrums. She comes by it honestly. She inherited the title from me. We followed my mother's method. Put the child in time out until the tantrum is done, preferably in a separate room from mom or dad so that they don't have to listen to it (and have it drive them nuts). We would put my daughter in her bed in her bedroom and tell her sternly that she could come out when she was done having a fit and ready to act like a normal child again. I would check on her every couple of minutes and be close enough to tell if she was still going. When I checked on her, I would reiterate what I told her originally. Her tantrums started off a bit longer (30-45 minutes) but after a couple of weeks she had them less often and when she did have them they were considerably shorter. After each "time out"/tantrum, she would come to me and tell me how much she loved me and how sorry she was for her actions. She just didn't seem to have the ability to control her anger/anguish/temper. My husband added his own twist to this and made a new family rule. If you have a temper tantrum over something, then even if Mommy and Daddy wanted to give it to you, we can't. So if they have a temper tantrum over a piece of candy, then the answer is automatically no.

As for pulling hair, I know that some moms out there will say this is cruel or barbaric but it works. If he pulls someone's hair near you or in your presence, reach out and pull his hair and tell him "Now you know how that feels. Do you like having your hair pulled?" Of course, he will (in 95% of the cases) say that he didn't like it. Then you say to him, "Well, if you don't like it, then you know your friends don't like it either. Don't pull hair anymore and I won't pull yours." It sometimes takes a couple of times but it works. Also, the key is to pull it hard enough that he doesn't like it but not hard enough to cause lasting pain. Usually a sharp tug works.

Anyhow, I know there are some moms who will say that violence leads to violence. However, as the oldest of 4 children and the mother of 3 and aunt to 6 and oldest cousin to over a dozen (who I have babysat throughout the years), I have to say (it has been especially noticable with my youngest) that children don't need to be taught violence. They are inherantly violent. They need to be taught not to be violent and that when they are violent it has consequences both to the one they were violent to and to themselves. I don't advocate beating your child but there are limited ways to make your child understand what it feels like to be hit, bit or have your hair pulled.

Anyhow, I hope this helps. Best of luck with your little guy.

J.,

I have a private daycare in my home and have had many many many children come through my house for the past 15 years. Your son sounds very NORMAL, he's growing up and trying to learn how to socialize, verbalize, and understand consequences. Its all a learning curve for him, for you and all others involved. He truly needs your love and support the most right now as he (and you) figure things out.

At home, tell him what he CAN do, not what he CAN'T do. Focus on the positive,- catch him doing something good and applaud him!! Ignore the negative and do your best to redirect his focus to a positive behavior. Explain to him the consequences. Strike 1 - Identify the offense. "Please no pull hair". (He does it again) Strike 2 - Identify the offense adding consequence. "Please no pull hair or time out". (He does it again) Strike 3 - Time Out. "I'm sorry, you chose time out",- and put him in a safe place that is designated for time out. 1 minute per age. When he has done his time, give him some love. Redirect him to something positive that you know he can do,- let him succeed!! Do this for the next ten years!! This will take practice. Love him, and help him with the words he needs right now. Most of his tantrums may be frustration from not being able to say the words he needs. You should be able to have a conversation with him, not a great one, but one that goes back and forth.

At daycare, find out what their policies and procedures are to handle two year olds. This could be a case of mismanaged supervision and their staff is not equipped to handle the room right now. They should list a few different strategies as I did above. They may mention a mirror and match strategy that works great with little friends who are just too stimulated by their surroundings. Ask them what they have done so far and what results they have gotten. Remember also, this is their profession and maybe they see more concern than you do.

Having your son evaluated is completely harmless and usually covered by insurance. This can be a great way for you to learn more about him and what he's going through.

You are a great mom or you would not be here asking for advice. Follow your instincts.

Good Luck!!

It's hard to know what to say without knowing more of the situation. If you think that he is in a high-quality day care, I would consider doing the EI. It can't hurt, and day care providers can be more objective about our kids than we are. It could also be that he just needs a new daycare-- something the EI might be able to identify.

I would suggest _Happiest Toddler on the Block_ as a book for you to read. Good luck!

he's going through the terible two's. Some go through it more so than others. I don't think he needs to be evaluated though. You just need to learn how to deal with the tentrums. He want's attention or to get whatever he wants. The worst thing to do is give in. Ignore him to a point when he starts doing it. Afterwards explain to him that is not the way to comunicate and tell him the corect way.
When my son throws his tantrums I tell him I can't understand him when he cries and when he is ready to stop then i will listen to him and i walk away. It usually works, he'll settle down and then come to me and talks.

J., you are describing the situation that we went through last year at this exact time. Our two year old was doing the exact same thing at daycare and in his class there was also another child who hit and bit. We decided after numerous conversations with the daycare that we decided we were going to look elsewhere for care. We found a private in home daycare that we placed our son in. He loves it, after a month this behavior stopped, he has since learned his alphabet, numbers and letter recognition. After talking to other people I have found the two year old room in many centers are horrifying, in most there are biters and hitters, for some kids the way that they deal with the aggressive behavior at a young age is with the tantrums and their own form of aggression with others. Good luck.

To me.....he sounds tired. I watch kids in my home, and that happens when they have not napped well..............

Dear J.,
Your biggest challenge is going to be figuring out a consequence for his behavior that the daycare can enforce, too. If he CONSISTENTLY has a negative consequence, the bad behavior will mostly stop rather quickly, UNLESS it's more than the traditional "terrible 2's". Presuming you live in PA, Early Intervention evaluations are state-funded & shouldn't cost you ANYTHING! If that's the case, why not have him evaluated? If you're right & he's just a typical toddler, you'll have the test results to take to the director & politely tell her that in Your case, she was wrong. However, if there is a problem, it's always better to know sooner rather than later. My son went for EI eval shortly after his 2nd b-day b/c his vocab was less than 25 words! He qualified for 2 kinds of therapy, & since I was a stay-at-home mom, the therapists came to the house until he turned 3, when they transition to LIU.
I would ask for a meeting with his primary caregiver @ daycare & the director so that the three of you can come up with appropriate consequences that can be enforced there AND at home! Also, that would be the appropriate time to mention that MAYBE he's doing this b/c of the example he's seeing of the biter & hitter in his class. Good luck. I'll be praying for you.
BTW, if he were NOT in daycare, I'd say to just gently do to him whatever he's done to someone that hurt them. We went through this for a few days with my son (4 yrs older than my daughter) and it only took a few times of receiving the same treatment until he decided that it was NOT worth it! Unfortunately, it's pretty unlikely that the daycare would or even Could do that.

I think that, if your daycare provider suggested early intervention, it would be worth getting the evaluation done. My son went through early intervention for speech and they did wonders. You only have until your son turns three to get the early intervention services for free.

Is he getting enough sleep?? Is there a good nap environment at daycare so he can nap?? Is he eating healthy food??

Ask them to keep a log of who he hits/bits, what happens right before hand and also what they do to handle it. Have them do it for a week so you can figure out what is going on and fix it. If it is always happening at 2 pm when he is over tired because he didn't nap, that will tell you the problem is he needs a nap.

I would also take off work and pop in for a visit ( not so he can see you but so you can get a feel for what is going on in the class. please do not let him see you!!)

Daycares can't meet the needs of each child, there are just too many kids and they have to have a schedule. And if there are already aggressive kids in the class, i don't know how the poor teachers are coping. Do you have to stay here?? could you put him in inhome care?

Finally, if you can't figure it out after a week of observing and documenting then call Early intervention. They will most likely tell you exactly what you think, that it is just 2 year old behavior. But if it is something else they can find it and tell you and fix it. It's free, they come to you. The only hassle is taking 5 mins to make the inital phone call. And it will be cooperating with the daycare director, which is what you need to do if you want to keep your kid there.

I hope you get lots of great advice and that the problem resolves itself. I'm sure it's hard when you aren't even there to handle it.

I went through the same thing with my son. I went through a lot of testing, with multiple agencies. In the end, they said he was fine. I think your child is acting completely normal for his age. Wait until he goes to school to worry about any "problems". You just need to make sure that you are consistant in disciplining him at this early age, because my son, who is now 6, still has the outbursts. I really think it is because I was so concerned something was wrong with him, that i let the discipline slip. Good luck with everything.

All my children went through age 2, and none of them did that. So what is causing him to have such a frustrating and distressful time?? And is he pulling his own hair, or someone else's? Often, at that age, kids do not realize they are hurting others when they act out. So it's possible that pulling HIS hair when he's pulling someone else's might help him to catch on. The question really is how much of this is normal and how much of this is over the top.

My children were in a variety of day care settings over the yars, and each person who worked with them spent time with more kids in one year that I have in my whole life. I relied on the best of them to provide good advice and input when my child was out of sorts, or not feeling well. If I didn't trust the day care people to provide quality input, I fired them, by moving my child to a better setting. If you don't have faith in the day care, then you should move your son. If you do have faith in the day care, then maybe you should be asking questions, about why the director thinks he should be evaluated. What is different abaout his behavior versus the kid who bites and the one who hits ? I suspect it has something to do with the intensity and/or duration of his response.

You need to be able to trust the advice you get, and you need to feel that your day care team is working FOR you and with you to help your child grow up well.

The other question is, "Does he do this at home ?" What generally preceeds a tantrum ? Do you try to give him words to express his frustration, so he doesn't have to use his physical body to make a statement ?

You may be absolutely right, and there may be nothing unusual about his behavior, but also realize that if there is a problem, EARLY intervention can make your lives so much better than waiting until it is WAY out of hand and he hasn't "grown out of it". So, what are the risks of having him evaluated ? It'll cost $$. If his behavior is "normal", then you know that you consulted an expert and you can be satisfied that he's normal for his age. You can also get suggestions on how to handle these times, to help your son through them. On the other hand, if he has a problem, then you will be glad you found out sooner rather than later. (If money makes this an issue, it's another question to ask the day care director. Is there any way to have him evaluated without crippling the family budget ? The director may know what the options are, and can be helpful if you use him or her as a resource.)

Whatever you do do or don't do, do keep loving your son. Try to help him express his frustrations in more positive ways, and suggest words to him that might begin to help him to say what is wrong rather than just act it out. If you find a method that works well, let the daycare people know how you handle it and what seems to be working, so they can use the same method, and provide consistency to his life.

And hang in ! 3 is coming. :-)

Your son's daycare teachers see many, many children. You see just your son. Yes, toddlers are difficult by nature. However, if these women are seeing him everyday in social situations that he is acting inappropriately in then you should take their advice. If there is something that needs services, please check into the program Birth to Three.

J., Before you listen to the DC director listen to your instincts. Maybe you should consider finding another day care or a privet babysitter. The two's can be a hard stage, temper tantrums are a natural part of growing up and learning that life isn't always the way you want it to be. My girls all got through this stage quickly because (I believe) my babysitter, hubby and I all approached them the same way. We would let them lay on the floor where they couldn't hurt themselves tell them calmly: When your done we can talk. Then we would ignore the behavior. No attention quickly equaled No fit. Always remember that common sense and your instincts are your best guide when it comes to being a Mom. Believe me when I say that you will KNOW when something is really wrong. Hang in there, it will get better! Best wishes.

I think having him evaluated is a good idea. Not that I think he may have a problem, but it's always good to hear that everything is ok. And it's free! He is 2 and that's not uncommon for his age, but it needs to get under control or it'll get worse as he gets older. Discuss with daycare what their discipline procedures are. Let them know what works best for you at home as far as consequences for poor behavior. It may be partly him, but it can be other factors as well. Does he clash with the daycare teacher with personality? I know my kids responded better to people that matched up to their personality and needs. Are the other children a problem is a cause for his reactions? Many times the teachers don't see things that may be happening and he may just be reacting to something else going on. But I would do the evaluation, just so you know everything is fine, and also be able to tell the administration is fine as well. They'll see you're a cooperative parent and then they can focus on the classroom more on why he's reacting this way.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

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