First Grade - Husband Resistance

I'm not sure why it would be that bad for you and your husband to have a meeting with "Mrs. Smith." It sounds like hearing it from someone else, especially someone with a lot of experience in this area, is probably just what your DH needs.

I know with my husband, we pretty much take everything the other one says with a certain amount of salt at this point, and it can help to have another voice in the mix. I also think there's a tendency for men, even if they're fantastic, involved dads, to read fewer parenting books and to spend less time comparing notes with other parents (huge generalization, right? your husband + my husband = all men ever, LOL). So for them, their own childhoods loom larger b/c they have less other data rattling around in their heads.

You might also talk to your husband about some of the PROBLEMS that occur when children repeat grades. Your DD could easily get bored and start developing a bad attitude toward school. She could also feel stigmatized and conclude that she's dumb (this happened to a cousin of mine who was forced [I think unnecessarily] to repeat a grade, and it's shadowed her through her whole life, to the point where she refuses to contemplate a "real" professional career). There's also a good chance that if she repeats kinder, she'll go through puberty before most of her peers, which can often leave girls feeling very self-conscious and ashamed. And again, the effects of this LAST.

So, I think you're right. But your hubby might need to hear it from someone other than you.

Studies have shown that boys mature much slower than girls. While your husband had difficulty, it does not appear that your daughter is suffering. My daughter missed the cut-off for kinder. I homeschooled her for two years and then put her in 2nd grade this year (there is no age cut-off in this grade). She is the youngest in the class but she is doing awesome---socially and academically. I would have never tried this with my twin boys; however. My point is, if you think she is doing well, and the teacher agrees, she probably is going to be fine.

I have not read the other posts, I am just going to give you my opinion based on my experience with my own kids. I have 3 kids with birthdays in August - 2 of them are in school the other hasn't started yet, but I intend to start her young as well. My kids have never had an issue with their age. When I first read your title, I thought maybe the teacher had some concerns and wanted to hold her back, but from the body of your post, that seems not to be the case. I think that you should talk to the teacher with your husband about his concerns. If the teacher does not have concerns and feels that she is adjusting well, I think you could do more damage than good holding her back. She will not understand why she is being held back and may think that she is not smart enough to move on. I think it could damage her self esteem. She has made friends and will want to move on with her friends. Maybe your husband needs to have a different perspective to help him move through this. Maybe his parents were told that he was not adjusting well or making friends and they didn't listen to the teacher and so he suffered? I think that happens a lot where the teacher is advising to hold the children back, but the parents don't want to. Just a thought, but I think that you should take highly into consideration what her teacher recommends. She knows the dynamics in the classroom and I think that her opinion would be invaluable.

I was also young in school. I graduated highschool when I was 17 ~ I did not have any issues with being the younger person in my grade.

I would suggest you both go talk with her teacher together, if you haven't already. Maybe the reassurance needs to come from someone other than you.

Because being held back a grade will be SO good for your daughter's development and self esteem??

Has your husband met with your daughter's teacher? I don't really see the issue here either- except that he seems to have some sort of personal thing about this. I would think that holding her BACK when she is ready to move forward would be much more traumatic for her. She would be behind all her friends, stigma of being 'held back' etc.

If he felt that way, why was she in kindergarten in the first place? My son was totally ready for kindergarten at age 5, but they don't start until 6 in our district, so he was one of the BIGGEST kids in his class, lol! Doesn't seem to have made any difference at all, as far as I can see.

Have your hubby go talk to the school with you. Maybe meet the first grade teachers too, to reassure him. He is being unreasonable, IMO.

If she's ready, then she's ready. Sounds like Daddy has issues with his baby girl growing up? How cute :)
My daughter Bday is in July. She is currently 6yrs old and in first grade and in the top of her class. She will finish 1st grade while still being 6 yr old and will only be 17 when she graduates. Everything is fine. Actually, the cut off Bday date at our school dist in Dec, so there are a few kids even younger than her.

When I was in school the cut off of December 31st so if you turned five anytime prior to New Year's Day, you started school so in my opinion, August is NOT an late birthday. If her birthday was in the fall or December, that is a late birthday. Boys with late birthdays tend to struggle more than girls with the same birthday. Your hubby needs to look at things objectively.

Your daughter makes the cut-off, she did not start early. She is doing well and progressing nicely. Ask the teacher about the reading concern. Go from there AND be consistent in her assignments and even working with her extra at home. A little extra effort now can/will go a long way.

Just as he can not focus on her birthday, you should not focus on the money (that is secondary to what is best for your child and not the best way to win this argument).

no, I think you are absolutely right. I would tell him that the teacher will make the recommendation and that you will abide by the teacher's decision and so should he. Girls often do much better with school, even on the younger side, while it is usually boys who struggle being younger. Then write to the teacher and ask her to make the recommendation - I'm guessing she'll say send your daughter to first grade, right?
by asking the teacher, you might be able to settle the conflict between you and your husband without bad feelings, since a third party has given the recommendation.
good luck!

No, do not hold back your daughter. She will be so bored..

Your husband is just concerned because of his experience. remind him that daughter is not him, She is her own person and you all need to follow her lead. Have a meeting with her teacher and let her explain why she is sure your daughter can handle progressing to the next grade.

Our daughter was always one of the youngest in her grade, she did not have the highest grades.. but she loved learning. It started to all even out in about 3rd grade.. She was a National Merit scholar when she graduated HS and will graduate from College next spring as one of the youngest in that graduating class also.. It is not the age, it is the maturity and ability. Your daughter obviously has both.

Never underestimate children.. They will blow you away every time..

What is her grave concern about? Who has told him that she's going to struggle? What did he read? Where is it coming from? What is it really about if your child is doing FINE in her class? Is it all because his parents pushed him and he regretted that they did? Girls are often more mature than boys so it's not apples and oranges.

I suspect this is about HIM and not HER.

This is a discussion that should have taken place before placing her in Kindergarten. You chose to send her. If holding her back is something the teacher has considered, you would know that already. Parents don't get to just hold their kids back because they feel like it. The child's progress is documented and determines his/her placement for the following year. Have the meeting, but no that the teacher has no intention of flunking your daughter...yes that's what it is as awful as it sounds.
Money and daycare should NOT factor into your decision. Age, developmental readiness, documented progress, and social ability are some factors to consider. Good luck.

You should definitely send her to first. Repeating K at her academic level would make no sense. She is going to do fine....just make sure to keep up with her reading and actively work with her. If your school is like ours it teaches straight to the middle. If this is where she fits she will do very well. If your school is private and accelerated then it might be a little more difficult. HAve your husband speak to the teacher and counselor to get it straight from the experts.

Hi Lucky!

One of my daughters was born the day before the 'cut off' date...I seriously toyed with the idea of keeping her back a year before K garten...she was on the small side at the time...

I am SO glad I did NOT keep her back! She ended up with a 'growth spurt' and ended up one of the tallest/youngest in her class through elementary.

She is now a sophomore in college (partial scholarship)...and frankly was probably ready to 'fly the nest' her junior year of HS!

I say send her...if the teacher had any 'real' concerns, they would have been addressed already...

Best Luck!
Michele/cat

I would not use the daycare cost in your argument b/c that's simply not a relevant factor. Also, there is a reason why the teacher assigns nightly reading... it works.... and the teacher can tell if your child isn't reading on a regular basis. Please do this regularly and beyond the "minimum" time request.

Keep a couple of things in mind... "cut off" dates are different in various states and are somewhat arbitrary. In NY, the cut-off date in 12/1 so your daughter wouldn't be "so young" if you lived here!

I would schedule the appointment with the teacher and give her a heads-up regarding the topic as well as your husband's strong feelings. As someone who has participated in those meetings on the "teacher side" there are few things more disconcerting that walking into a parent meeting and getting blind-sided by an aggressive (even well-meaning) parent.

For what it's worth, the research on retention is highly mixed, but there a few consistent parameters under which retention "may" be successful:
- Child is socially immature (not the same as chronologically immature)
- Child is in Kindergarten or 1st grade (beyond that there are no long-term gains)
- Child has missed significant portions of instruction due to chronic illness or absenteeism
**Retention does not "fix" skill gaps**
Date of birth is not reason enough to keep her back.

I don't know if either one of you is wrong. I'm sure you both want what is best for your daughter. It's just a matter of perspective. I was young and did well academically and fine socially. However, I have a daughter that just missed the cutoff (2 weeks) for kindergarten, so she'll be older than most if not all her classmates. I am ok w/ that given my experience. I think your husband may be using his experience to guide him too. Maybe just remind him each kid/situation is different. And that boys typcially mature socially less fast than girls - so she's not him. Maybe just get him to agree to talk w/ the teacher about it and get her opinion... good luck!

Your husband may have had trouble in school while being one of the youngest but this does not seem to be your daughter's situation at all. There is a great chance she will be bored and begin to resent school. I hope he gets over his "grave concerns". He needs to let his daughter grow up.