Finding Stillness

Life is too short, especially for this kind of avoidable stress. You need to resign or quit and feel no guilt about it.

J. -- Of course you're not childish. The co-op has stopped working for you. You may leave it whenever you wish. Things run their course in life, and the co-op has run its course for you, and by extension for your kids.

Your kids can still see their friends at other times, but it's not healthy for them to have an unhappy and stressed-out mother.

Your leaving doesn't have to include negativity and animosity. You are allowed to bow-out whenever you choose, and no one has a right to give you grief over it. Just calmly move on. "We are doing X this year."

It's time for something new.

p.s. - I disagree with Sadie. These other families are not "depending on you," they are adults in charge of their own lives. It's not your job to ensure their happiness, or whatever. This is the time to leave, before a new semester begins.

I have been homeschooling for going on 7 years and I have never done a co-op, other than a program at an actual school 2 days per week (with paid teachers).

I've had moms approach me about co-ops. We stay so busy that it's all I can do to keep our own stuff going, much less trying to coordinate with a bunch of other homeschooling moms in the same boat. But I say that up front, and I'd never leave someone hanging (how it sounds with your group).

I'd let everyone know ASAP that you have changed your plans and you will not be doing co-op this year. And then I'd just plan fun hang-out sessions with the kids my kids really like.

JMO.

ETA: Of course you're not being childish - more like realistic.

The way you walk away is just walk away. J., you aren't beholden to people who choose to homeschool. I'll bet you aren't even paid for your work. If you are, you aren't paid enough.

Why you would question if you are childish for not wanting to do this anymore is beyond me. If I had a family in my group whose kids I loathed, that family would no longer be in my group.

Drop the co-op and move on.

I don't homeschool so I can't speak to the co op situation.
Since your title is "Finding Stillness" I'd like to suggest that it might be more about the approach to situations than the specifics.
Have you read Peace Is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh?
A classic that shows how EVERY task can be done with purpose and mindfulness. Might spy to potentially stressful obligations. Good luck!

I'm thinking you are an introvert trying to do an extrovert's job. If people suck you dry, then stop forcing yourself to do these things. I know how it is to have some awesome idea but without the right people in the right positions it just won't work. Or, it will take you leaving, to get someone to step up.
I am an introvert but occasionally I step out to try to make the world a better place. I might effect change and set up stuff for success but it's future depends on more than me catching the vision. I have let things go to their natural death before. Sometimes people step up because, none of us is irreplaceable. It feels bad, like you are abandoning a child, sometimes, to let a good idea die but when you get older, you will have seen this cycle several times. If its meant to be, it will be.

ETA: yea! Now that you can breathe, the ideas are flowing again! Keep a priority on looking for stillness!

Walk away. Read my bio. I am a firm believer that lots of stress and loss contributes to cancer. You need to stay healthy.

Hey, J.

Holy cow you are my hero. I am in a homeschool network and there is a lady who predominantly runs it (sounds like she has your duties) and I do NOT know how she does it!!!!! Because so many homeschool moms are loosey goosey slackers (sorry but true). Not that they aren't doing a great job instructing their own children within their own various homeschooling styles, but as far as participating in an organized....organization...yeah...no..not so much. And in their defense, it's really hard to be that way too.

I don't commit to a lot of the activities and co-ops because I'm HOMESCHOOLING, not trying to build my own school with a bunch of other people. Its everything in me to just get through our own classical material each day and keep things fun and interesting and our own scheduling needs met with music lesson practices, Tae Kwon Do, scouts-including flexibility to travel etc. Many of our life activities have nothing to do with homeschooling.

That said, there is NO EXCUSE for the lack of cooperation you are getting. WITHIN our network, when I say I'm going to do something, I do it. When I commit to an activity, we go. If I say I'll lead an activity, I lead it (but I rarely do that.) When the notification that meet-up dues are due comes up, I pay on time etc etc etc.

Our group has a monthly book club meeting where kids give reports on the books they've read (whole group reads) and moms lead activities on the books, and then everyone bowls. The bowling alley opens just for us and it's super fun. My kids see all their homeschool friend there. I was considering not going anymore though because the chosen books were much easier than what my kids were reading for their ages and I didn't have time to fit them in to our other reading. I also didn't have time to plan leading activities. I have found that most of the homeschool group "classes" are pretty much just social and not that great academically. The best things are events at educational places where you do hands-on learning by being there and see your friends to boot, and those are the activities we show up to if our schedule permits. Fortunately we have a lot of interesting ladies posting a lot of great events at all times. It has enriched our lives greatly doing so many great local things we never would have known about otherwise.

Anyway, I contacted the mom who organizes everything and shared that we may stop attending "books and bowling day" because we don't have time for the books with our own curriculum, and she said, "Oh, no don't skip it, just come after the book report/projects and bowl, no worries at all!" I felt so much better. Now we get a good school day in at home and then go bowl!

She's a really laid back lady who loves organizing the activities and co-ops and book clubs and she's totally OK with people being slack even though she busts her a__. Once there was an event where a mom got discount rates to a dinosaur exhibit in Philly and she needed to collect everyones money in advance. She ended up sending back my check because NO ONE ELSE had responded or paid.....it's just how it is I think in these networks.

I MAY do the co-op this year for one class for the first time just because a mom I know well is using the same history curriculum I am and she's an ex-teacher, so it may be a fun way to meet up and cover that class this year since we're doing it anyway. But as for the various other random "classes" moms cook up..?....I really don't have time for that. Again, if I wanted to join into a "school" environment, my kids would be in public school. My whole intention for homeschooling is to get through more material than our local school covers, so there just isn't time for too much of the homeschooling group "classes" especially with lots of "unschooly" moms with totally different goals than me. But socially? Tons of fun at actual "location" events. Our network is huge, so there isn't really time to get annoyed by various kids...we have our few closest friends, but the rest of the group is shifting and gets along fine. You shouldn't have to deal with annoying kids on any level.

I've said no to lots of organizations and things in the past few years-not related to homeschool. I just don't have time to do it all AND teach school AND enjoy my kids, AND freelance AND have peace and time to take care of myself. We do community stuff at our OWN pace.

There would be no peace and calm if I was trying to manage other people and I couldn't do it. The mom who is doing it is OK with slackers like me who only pop up at random, and she also has some dedicated moms doing the co-ops with her so it's not unbearable. I commend you for trying, but your experience is legitimately unsettling.

If there is any reduced capacity in which you would like to operate, I would level with the moms. "Hey, ladies, I love you all, but I am having difficulty navigating this group. I hate, to just bail, so if you are interested in continuing, we need to have a meeting to assess the best way to move forward."

If they don't get in gear to meet, you're off the hook, guilt free, you step down cordially. If they DO meet with you, have your new goals and requirements laid out, and see if they agree. Maybe give it one more try. Maybe you don't do a co-op, but just have events posted on a Meet-up board and people show up to the ones they can make, and maybe a regular "strictly social" meet-up too to keep the group in touch for support, but not really try to have "classes."

I'm not sure why you would ever have tons of kids in one room acting up. I've been in our network for two years and there has never been a set up like that. We show up to an event; falconer, farmer, fireman, artist, author, museum, electric plant, deer farm, WHATEVER...we learn about whatever is going on at the place, and then if there's a place for it, the kids all play a while. There are also straight-up social meetings at parks and skating rinks etc.

As for the co-op classes, I haven't participated yet, but I've heard no complaints. Sounds like the nature of your meetings need reevaluating if you feel you may still like to do it differently. It's OK and normal to need to adjust based on the other members strengths and weaknesses.

I also definitely think you should NOT feel bad to step down.

Wow, I'd be long gone from that situation if I were in your shoes. Nothing sucks more than being the only one working in a group situation.

Sounds like you have a handle on the homeschooling and don't need the co-op. Hopefully you can enjoy the experience if you take back control of it and ditch those who are just riding your coattails.

oh sweetie! i know EXACTLY what you're talking about!
walk away. you did a terrific thing by starting it, and others now can catch up the banner and forge ahead.
or not. maybe it will fall apart. and that's okay. some things are only mean to be Very Good Things for a short while.
treat it like a job. give the board notice, 'due to changes in our lives, i will no longer be able to chair this co-op. on september 15th i will be stepping down and our family will be moving on to new ventures. i wish you all the very best.'
no excuses. no promises. no drama.
there are other co-ops where you can have the comparative luxury of *just* being a member. there are homeschool enrichment programs in community colleges. you can have, host or attend impromptu sessions that you or others toss together (some of my most thrilling shakespeare classes were just that- a last minute email 'hey guys! romeo and juliet, all day wednesday and thursday! bring a towel, we'll swim too.')
it'll be fine.
of COURSE you're not childish for wanting to enjoy your family and your homeschool experience. i'll take it a step further and say you're doing your kids and yourself a disservice if you allow the co-op to become more important, and to drain your focus and your energy.
step away.
khairete
S.

Say something now since these 2 new families could be depending on you and need to know they need to step it up for their own kids and not use you. You could say it is due to family reasons (your mental health and time with your own family) you will not be able to do X. You can offer to do Y. I am sure you will still be asked to help with X during Y.

X=The work of curriculum development and organization
Y= Weekly playgroup

edit: I am not saying they SHOULD be depending on you, but they may think they can ride the gravy train.

Delegate. Then take on a lesser role. The admin of a group does not have to police each and every moment of the group. Form some committees and have a set procedure for replacement leaders.

In my FIL's Gem Club the vice president always becomes the president after serving under the current president for their term. If that president leaves before it's over he could take over their term if he wanted but someone else can take the role for the remainder of the term and then leave the position when that term is up.

This trains people to run the group without you. It gives them incentive to follow the rules and get there kids under control because as a leader they have to be a role model.

I think it would be rude to just up and announce "Hey, I don't like this group anymore and I am terminating it". Because if it's truly "your" group without you it ceases to exist.

Tell them you want to lessen your involvement and that you want to help them be able to manage the group without you at some point in the future.

But all in all, you need to delegate jobs to every member.