So my kids are 3 and 5 and fighting more than ever, especially about toys, what to watch on tv, and what to eat for lunch/dinner (I prefer to cook one meal not two when possible). They are a boy and girl so seem to like completely different things on TV. Lately I"ve been telling them that if they can't decide on a show that they both like then the TV is being shut off for a while, and this seems to be working, at least better than before. I'm just curious how other people handle it? I used to try to micro-manage and decide whose turn is it with everything but it was driving me crazy!!
With toys they know that they should take turns, but sometimes my 5 yo picks up a toy for 2 mins when the 3yo is demanding that its his turn already. I can't stand regulating how long a kid has been playing with a toy and whose turn it is but sometimes I have to (or take the toy away which leaves two kids in tears).
They also fight about who gets to read their book first at bedtime. When my husband puts them to bed he says whoever picks a book first and sits on the couch first gets to read theirs first. My 5 year old is sneaky though and seems to always win this game, leaving the 3 year old in tears every time so I feel like this is not working. Also, its not really possible to alternate because I work some nights so don't always know who read their book first the night before.
I have a friend with two boys that fight like crazy and she has resorted to buying two of everything which I refuse to do. She now owns two Wii systems (one in the older boys bedroom and one in the living room) so they can both play at the same time. And she also has two Skylanders games, one for each of them. This seems ridiculous to me! I feel like they should learn how to share, and compromise is important in life.
We hope to have a 3rd child soon so I'd love to have a little more peace in the house. Are there methods that work good in your house?
Thanks
I LOVE the idea of the calendar with each kid having their night to pick the bedtime story (why didn't I think of that). That way I don't have to know who went the night before, we'll just look at the calendar. Bedtime solved!
@B- a huge LOL, I have a twin brother and a sister who is a year older than us, we fought something awful until we moved out of the house, but now we are close. My kids aren't quite at this point yet but I hope to avoid turning into my mother who was just stressed out and yelling all the time!
I could have written this post! One thing that seems to work Is threatening to separate them when they seem to be on a roll. They almost always are nicer to each other. I look forward to more responses from other parents! :)
The No Cry Discipline Solution by Elizabeth Pantly seems like it'd be a great book, but I haven't made the time to read it yet.
I just think they're at a tough age right now, they're both at very different places developmentally. The 3 year old probably doesn't entirely get the concept of sharing yet and the 5 year old probably gets frustrated by 3 year old. That's how it is with my 3 and soon to be 5 year old right now, lots of fighting. The 5 year old will work hard on building something and the 3 year old will want to take it apart. The 5 year old know the rules and can follow them while the 3 year old still struggles. For me when they're fighting, the 5 year old is happy to go to his room and play on his own while the 3 year old can do something outside with me...lots of times they just need a break. I think the fighting is why they say it's tough to have two kids so close in age, I think it'll get better as my younger son matures some.
For the tv thing. We do one of two things.
First we start with each kid gets one hour to choose what they want to watch. If the other kids doesn't want to watch it, they can go play in their room.
After the show is over, the other kid gets to pick.
If they keep fighting, either the tv gets turned off, or they have to watch a movie that I choose.
For the books at bedtime, have a chart. Each week, one kid goes first, then the other. Sun. - Sat.
Honestly sibling fighting is a child's first attempt at learning to compromise. It is best to stay out of it whenever you can. I know that's hard, but more often then not, if it isn't getting physical in my house I try to let them work it out.
TV watching, each child get's a turn at picking. Every kid has a favorite so if a favorite show is on it trumps who's get's what turn first.
Reading books, alternate who's book goes first each night. I also pick the books that will be read, no need to fight cause it will be my choice. They may make a request but it will be up to me what is read.
If they can not come up with a solution, then I take away the offending object. Do that enough and they'll learn to figure it out.
My kids Arthur (age 8) and D.W. (age 4) fight sometimes. Arthur recently hit D.W. after D.W. broke his plane and there was no TV for a week for Arthur. We were criticized for not listening to his side of this and for reprimanding him twice. I also worry for the future with baby Kate (age 1).
Sounds totally normal. What helped us is that we came up with a family mission statement that has something to do with being kind to others. I would post it somewhere everyone can see it. Ask your kids to help you come up with examples, talking nicely, being patient, taking turns, letting some else go first....also, we give consequences if someone is not being kind and does not turn it around with a warning. Usually it is just a quick time out in order to regroup.
Francine (age 8) and Catherine (age 16) always fight. Just ask my husband Oliver. We generally don't intervene.
For the nightly book, simply have them switch off choosing the books. MWF the 5 year old gets 1st choice
TTHSat the 3 yr old gets 1st choice
Sundays mom or dad chooses
To help them with it just write their initials on the calendar so they can keep track of the day and their turns.
TV shows: "Jim, you get to choose 1 show (30 min) and then Jane gets to choose 1. Then the tv is going off until after X."
For the toys, remind them if they don't want to share the toy, neither one will get to use it. Rinse, repeat, over and over again. Try to offer something for the other kid to do while waiting for the toy.
In terms of TV, they each get to pick two shows, alternating who goes first each day.
For books, whoever is ready first. If they are ready at the same time, then we alternate. My 3 year old is always ready first.
I love the book siblings without rivalry. One phrase i love:
" I'm going to put this toy on the shelf until can work out an agreement you both find fair."
Mostly, my strategy is to 1. Yell stop, 2. Empathize with each side, and 3.
Let them resolve. If they are unable to do so, then I offer suggestions.
I do buy two of some things --shovels, garden tools, etc. when we got bunks, they each got a draw under the bed for the stuff they don't want to share. Everything else belongs to everyone.
when they cant get along sit them on the couch and make them hold hands. or stand nose to nose until they can be kind
My Mom never solved it.
At the time the 'experts' said to let kids work things out for themselves.
My sister (22 months younger than me) and I fought like cats and dogs till we grew up and moved away from home.
We pulled hair out in handfuls, we wrestled, we slapped and kicked but we never threw punches.
Even now (we live in different states) - we still can't stand each other.
It won't get any easier adding more siblings into the mix.
You could be refereeing for a long long time.
Or you could try ear plugs.
I think you'd be better off if you sent them to separate areas of a room or different rooms of the house when the bickering starts up.
If they start to fight over a single toy - put the toy in time out so neither of them can play with it.
If they have moments when they are actually kind to one another - praise them for it.
"How nice you let your sister go first today! You make me so proud to have such a kind thoughtful boy!".
They don't have to like each other, but you can't let them harm each other.
Try not to force them to be together all of the time.
Get this book: "Mom, Jason's Breathing on Me!": The Solution to Sibling Bickering" by Anthony Wolf. It's available on amazon. It is the best parenting book I have read. His view is that the cause of sibling bickering is to get a parent to take sides. His solution is Don't take sides. Don't listen to the bickering & when the fighting becomes annoying to you, you separate the kids. (You also separate them if they are physically hurting each other etc.) When your child comes to you with a complaint, "He's not giving me my turn!" Etc. You respond with innocuous comments, "That must be really frustrating". But you don't "fix it" & you don't take sides. It's a hands- off approach, but when your kids realize you will not be the judge in their disputes, they solve it themselves which is what you want.
The book is filled with real life scenarios that are completely relatable and really funny.
I started following this method when my older kids were 4 & 6. They are 11 & 12 (girl & boy) and are good friends. I am now starting with my little ones that are 5 & 3.
It's a simple method. It works.
Good Luck & Hang in there!
T. Y
SAHM of 5 (12, 11, 5, 3 and 16 months)
I have three, 7, 5 and 3. They do fight. They're allowed to fight up to a point, especially in winter when they can't play outside and they get a little riled, but they aren't allowed to bother me about it. When I say up to a point, I mean if screeching and crying commences and I say, "Stop" they know they have to or discipline will ensue. As for bickering over toys and stuff....they're allowed to amongst themselves, BUT if anyone starts to cry or comes to me and says "he took my..she won't give me..it was my turn..." My response is something like, "Do you need me to take it away and would you rather clean your room than play?" so they usually keep their disputes to themselves.
Yes, they have their "own" stuff, and no they don't always have to share..but again, I just keep excessive fights in check by enforcing warnings when they've been warned to pipe down. They're not allowed to act like that at all with other kids, or when I'm exhausted and not in the mood.
Basically you just need consistent discipline in all areas of your household so your kids listen when you give an order. That way you can keep the fighting in check to the level that you can handle at any given time. If I need them to be REALLY well behaved, like we've been out having fun all day and I need to sit and do the bills in peace when I'm exhausted, I'll give a warning like "OK, you need to play nicely, the first person to shriek or fight will get a consequence" and that does the trick.
Don't let them manipulate you guys with the books or things like that...just say, "It's ____'s turn tonight, no fighting." And then enforce with discipline if necessary until they get it that they aren't allowed to fight over books. The firmer and more concise you are with night stuff the better since they're tired and easy to upset. I never witheld books, but I did "warn" (threaten spanks but never had to do it because they knew I meant it) them to sit nicely for books because I knew that books were going to be important at bedtime for years, so they needed to just get over the bedtime book behavior challenge immediately. It's been great because they all love books at bedtime and now my oldest reads to herself, but they were squirrelly before I put my foot down which is normal.
As for TV, they hardly ever get to watch it, so the first time I just cruised by and shut off a long awaited show and sent them to bed when they were fighting over it pretty much handled that. Now I hear them whisper-fighting over shows.
