Fighting Siblings

Dear L.,

Well, I have an "only child" but I did come from a big family, and the age difference between me an my sister is similar. Not that I learned anything from it except how I was not going to raise my daughter.

Since your son is jealous and trying to get your attention, when he does something mean to his big sister put him in time out (SuperNanny uses the "naughty" bench, stool, step, corner, laundry room, etc). I wouldn't send him to his room unless it is on the same level of the home that you are. You have to put him there, he is too young to put himself there. Totally ignore his screams and wails, and if he gets up, put him back. Then, lavish all sorts of attention on his sister. Make sure he knows it. Make sure he didn't hurt her, ask her how she feels and give her lots of hugs and kisses. I read this in an advice book about how to handle biters. You ignore the biter and lavish all of the attention on the bitee. The biter doesn't get the attention they crave so eventually they learn that is not how to get attention.
It's a bit of twist on the time-out concept, and he won't get rewarded with your attention.

Why is he having time outs with you? If it is suppose to be some type of a punishment or consequence, you can't be giving him what he wants...that will only enhance his inapropriate behavior. Have you tried to just remove him from the rest of the family, by sending him up to his room when he is beginning to act like this? And only allow him to return when he is ready to apologize and treat his sis with love? Also, diverting his attention with toys or doing something he likes, you are again reinforcing that unwanted behavior. He knows that he wants all your attention...and if he treats his big sis like this, it makes you try really hard to be fun with him, alone with him, playing with him. I would just send him to his room..if he doesn't go, place him there and walk out. EVERY TIME though. Be consistent.
K.

I definitely agree with Kari here -- and strongly disagree with the posters who recommend any kind of corporal punishment. If you gave your dog a treat every time he peed on the rug, I think we'd all agree that the dog is doing the only sensible thing by continuing to pee on the rug-- and that peeing on the dog would hardly be a rational solution. (okay, that's a pretty gross example...but you get the point).

Frankly, your son's behavior is perfectly logical and rational based on your responses thus far. He has learned that by hitting and pulling hair he earns time alone with Mom or Dad, and that sometimes they will even offer him toys, and other "distractions". He has also learned that he can "take you away" from his sister (in his mind, punish her), which may also be part of his objective.

The very next time he hits, pulls hair, or does anything violent, try kneeling down, taking him firmly by the shoulders, look him squarely in the eyes, and tell him in your firmest voice: "We DO NOT hurt people. EVER." Then haul him off for a REAL time-out (which means time away from you, toys, or any form of entertainment). When he is ready to play nicely, and apologize to his sister, he can come rejoin the family. When he does this, tell him how happy you are to have him back, and that you sure did miss him. Move on.

When he repeats the behavior, repeat the exact process, but calmly add that you are "very disappointed". It may take some time for him to catch on that you are serious about this, but children are pretty darn sharp about understanding consequences, incentives and so forth when they are employed consistently.

It sounds like he may also need more time alone with you. Maybe you can give him 30 minutes or an hour after school while his sister is reading or playing with big-kid toys. (I assume she has a later bedtime, so perhaps she won't feel slighted if you also give her some one-on-one time after he's in bed).

Your daughter sounds very mature, and her retraint is impressive. I'm sure that's a testament to your good parenting, but also to her personal self-control. I hope you tell her how proud you are of her for not resorting to violence -- especially when it must be VERY tempting. I'd offer to do something special with her and maybe one or two or her friends (minus little brother) to demonstrate how proud you are. (ice-skating, movie...something fun).

Best luck!

I don't know how you feel about this kind of behavior correction, but I can tell you what's worked so far for us. My older son is 6 and my little one is 13 months. I home school so they're together all day every day (which may make it easier since the baby's not used to exclusive mommy time) but anyways, when my little one pulls his brothers hair, I give a tug on his hair. Not enough to really hurt, but enough to be uncomfortable, and then while he's upset about it I ask him "You didn't like that did you?" He shakes his head and then I say "Brother doesn't like it either. No hair pulling!" It hasn't stopped completely yet, but I notice him quite frequently stop and concentrate on NOT pulling his brother's hair. He's learning, but it takes repetition. I think young toddlers are actually unaware that their actions can cause other people pain. They're so used to being the littlest and they're used to everyone needing to be careful around them. What they are NOT used to is having to be careful around others. I use this method to help him connect his action with the pain it causes his brother.

I'm sure some mom's will try to give me a piece of their minds about this, but I really don't care. Some would feel that responding to "violence" with more "violence" only perpetuates the problem and tells them it's ok. Which it doesn't. Young children learn more quickly from physical discomfort than they do from nagging and the lessons stick better. In the end you'll have to do a lot less disciplining. I did this with my older son as well and he is a very sweet boy with enormous respect for the way other people are feeling. It can be done in such a fashion as to be instructive and sensitive to the child's growing understanding of the world around them.

Anyways, Good Luck!

I am not so sure that I agree with the responses to use physical punishment, even if slight. His teachers may have trouble disciplining him in the future as they cannot do this, nor can anyone else. Your son might me asking for attention that he might be missing from you. Do you have any alone time with him scheduled without his younger sibling? Can you have a mother's helper sometimes to watch the little one and spend special time with your son, warm and loving instead of punishing. Can you volunteer in his classroom reading a book, or helping with reading groups bi-weekly for an hour (do not bring the sibling). Are you attending the special parties or events at school during the day, without his sibling? Does the school allow you to meet him for lunch and sit with him at that time, ask about his day, meet his classmates. Can you put the younger sibling asleep earlier and spend time reading a book or talking or something special with your son, so he can look forward to that. Best of luck. Be consistent whatever you do. I have heard of a book called Sibling Rivalry, maybe that can help also. Send him to his room when he physically hurts your daughter to be alone and think about his actions. He can return to the family when he is ready to respect them.

I'd like to recommend a different form of 'time out'. It sounds like you sit with him or otherwise distract him with a new activity while you are with him. If that is the case, perhaps you could try a time out or 'break'. Basically, you tell the child when to go to time out and when he's done crying, pulling, yelling, etc., then you have a little calm discussion about what was wrong and then apologize. Granted, at his age a lot of this is teaching and will require a lot of guidance from you. But don't interact with him when he's in time out - THAT is his punishment, if you want to use that term. He's obviously, and understandably, jealous and wants you all to himself and the separation from you and the family activity will get the message to him that those actions are unacceptable in your family.

Chances are he'll kick and scream and bascially throw a tantrum in time out. That's okay - he can express his feelings freely there :). As long as you don't talk to him or otherwise engage him during the brief time out period then let him carry on, only talking to him once he's calmed down. If you're consistent over time he'll get the point and the time outs will become shorter and less frequent. For my children, ages 2 and 3 1/2, I let them decide when to come out of time out. We have certain spots in our home that are devoid of toys and they face the wall - for us that is under our breakfast bar or next to our sofa. They tell me when their attitude has changed (I'm all done crying and ready to play nicely, in effect) and after apologies we move on. This way, time out is a time for them to get control of themselves which I think is a good life skill to learn regardless of age. I've been using this style since my oldest was less than 1 year. Bascially, I don't deal with the screaming fits - if they want to scream (or otherwise disobey) then they can do it somewhere else!

Good luck!

In raising our children we had three rules that everyone had to obey:
1. You may not hurt others.
2. You may not hurt things (property)
3. You may not hurt yourself.

When a child was breaking one of these rules, we would calmly point it out to him and administer consequences ie time out, restitution, apologies, etc. Sometimes spankings were necessary. Be consistent and let your children know that hurtful acts will never be tolerated. Even babies can understand your firmness in this. AF

I think the time has come for a bit of corporal punishment. It must be immediate and limited, but slapping his hand and sending to his time out ALONE may help him realize that he can't get your undivided attention by hurting his sister and that there will be unpleasant swift consequences to that behavior. He's manipulating you to get you to spend time with him, don't reward his acting out by giving him what he wants.

Sitting with him during his time outs makes them a reward, he has to spend his time outs alone.

My son went though something similar at that age, more biting though. Nothing is a perfect solution, but not reacting with any positive attention was what worked for me. When ever he would bite or pull her hair I would place him in his playpen. I did have toys in there because he was so young, but I just said no, no, you do not hurt Siera, and put him in the playpen and left the room for about 5 min. Sometimes he would cry and sometimes he would not, but it eventually worked. Either that or he just outgrew it and I thought it worked! LOL. At four he still has issues where he will elbow or kick her for no reason just to get a reaction out of her, but when I am really consistant with putting him in timeout away from everyone else, without making a fuss (which is hard but I think he WANTS me to make a fuss) then he really improves. I know it is only natural to react very strongly by shouting or really letting him know over and over that you are angry with what he did, but with my son anyway, that did not help. He needs me to quietly and firmly tell him that what he did was not okay and put him in a chair where he gets no attention for the moment. Of course I am careful that he gets plenty of positive attention at other times. Hope this helped a little bit!
Also I don't agree that you need more time alone with him since you are home with him all day, and I also don't think that putting him in daycare part time is necessary either. What your son is doing is not good, but it is normal even if your daughter was home all day every day it could still happen, and you just need to figure out the best way to nip it in the bud. Good luck!

L.:

Hello! I have two young boys - my daughter is grown, so I understand your situation.

Your youngest child's punishment or time out MUST be alone. Let him scream, yell, cry, etc. but DO NOT talk with him, try to control him, or do anything OTHER THAN IGNORE HIM!

I agree that showing him what he is doing hurts someone else. Even though my children are 6 and 8 (and 22), they really don't realize what they are doing to someone else. Yes, they SEE a reaction but they really don't know WHAT they are doing. So next time he does it, do it to him - not viciously, but do it so he knows what is being done.

My youngest was "tasty" in day care - he was the one always getting bitten. He only did it ONCE to the boy he was continuously biting him and guess what? It STOPPED.

He is trying to exclude his older sibling and its working.

He needs time away from mommy. A play group while his sister is in school would be a great way for him to "share" mommy and learning about behavior from other kids his age.

I realize you are a SAHM - I was for 3 years - and the budget MAY not work for this - however, I do suggest that you enroll him in half-day partial week (for example Kindercare and other types of pre-schools offer half day and two day a week programs). This allows you time to yourself, which we ALL know Mommy's need and must have and time for your son to be on his own without mommy and learning new things.

I don't know where you live - however, there is Lake Anne Nursery School in Reston, VA that offers a WONDERFUL program - there is NO full day and it's GREAT! The teachers are wonderful, kind and loving. It's a great learning environment!

Your daugher MUST be recognized for her GREAT reaction - when others MIGHT throw a toy at him, she's VERY cognizant of his feelings and as you say, rarely responds in kind. Reward HER for not reacting in kind. Gush over her, love on her and tell your son to leave the room. DO NOT take him there, DO NOT IGNORE DIVERT his attention. IGNORE your son. He wants your attention and ANY attention be it good or bad, is YOUR attention ONLY ON HIM with a toy or something else. HE has control and he knows it.

Love on him when he does good things as well. But ensure that you give both of your children the kudos when they do good things. It's like in school where they get "caught being good" - notice it, applaud it.

Bottom line - your son needs to be disciplined for hurting his sister - there are those that say "violence begets violence". I am one that does NOT believe that. When it comes to toddlers - as they truly do not know what their actions are doing (other than getting a reaction). They need to experience (not full force) what they are doing to others.

Know that this must not change when Daddy gets home. The punishment MUST be alone time - do NOT talk with him, IGNORE him.
I hope this helps you. It will all work out.

Hi L.! I am not there where you are, but I am getting closer and closer to the "discipline" aspect of parenting. So, I don't have much advice except whatever you say that you are going to do for punishment, do it and don't waver. Be consistent. Your little guy is wanting to know who is in control, and you need to show him that you are the parent. I've started to read a great book on parenting called "Minding your children so you don't lose your's" by Dr. Kevin Leman. Very practical and helpful. If you can, get a copy and read it. Hope this helps:).