Fighting Between a Teen and 8 Year Olds....

I am a 13 year old girl who has a 25 year old brother who still lives at home we always get in fights it drives my mom crazy so we try to get along then sometimes I have to call my person of comfort(my other brother who is 21)to help me talk to my brother who is a jerk ,but sometimes we need to call a family meetings to try and help:)

I recomend family counseling. I am a family counselor and this is not unusual. It can easily be solved, in most cases, when everyone is comitted to wanting things better.

I'd give them work - as much as necessary until they were too tired to bicker.

Mine are 12, 10, 4, and 2. The 10 year old is a girl - and that seems to be a source of contention for everyone. So when she and her older brother were fighting, they got to clean up their rooms until they were done being angry. My DH and I supervise. Now she and the 4 year old fight - I find cleaning windows more effective. One on each side. Talk to your 13 year old and help her to realize - notice I didn't say feel good about - that you have 3 children, and you love 3 children, and it's time for her to get over herself. Otherwise the next 5 years will be the scourge of your sanity.

Talk to your twins and make them understand that they must NOT intentionally aggravate their sister - that's stupid, and no, it's not necessary. At the same time, they're entitled to breathe, to play, and to make a reasonable amount of noise without her bellowing.

I think, too, it's time for you to stop apologizing. Your older child has no right to all of your time - neither does your younger. I think, honestly, if you started refusing to do everything by yourself (all the cleaning, all the yard work, all the dinner), they would find in the course of learning to carry their own load that it is easier to work together than to fight all the time... and you'd have more time for everyone, including your husband and yourself.

In short, kids fighting this much need work to do.

Part of this is just your daughter being a teen and really as you can see has nothing to do with the twins. My older son was the sweetest kid in the world until he turned 14. So, we spent a year with him being an outrageously unpleasant person. His behavior is improving now that he's 15 and we did spend a year of my taking away all his electronics and it didn't make any difference at all.

I was also like your daughter in resenting my younger brother who encroached upon my life when I was 3. So, I know where's she's coming from. It's not purposeful, but when a new baby (or babies in your case) come along, they will get more attention, so your daughter is right in one sense. I know that my older son has some resentment towards his younger brother (I think this is fairly natural), so I can imagine with two younger siblings, there might be more. How often do you spend one on one time with just her? You might find that in doing so, she gets some of the mommy time that she's upset about missing over the past 8 years.

Hi T.,
Sorry to say this but that is totally normal. I have a 22 son, 14 daughter, 8 daughter. I'm on my second round of this now. It happened with the first two were at that age and now it is happened with the 14 and 8. It will pass but it will be awhile. Try to find separate places for them to play and when they have to be around each other let them know up front you want them all to behave. The first one to open their mouth you immediately jump on before anything can start up. So the first one to speak to the other gets the heat. I am sorry. I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, but there it is.
-Nita

The teen years are very critical years since she'll be developing emotionally and physically. Your older daughter needs to have one on one time with you and even dad. Have a date night with her each week or at least once a month with no twins present, go to eat where she wants to go and focus on her.

On the flip side of this make your older daughter have some one on one time with the twins. The younger ones adore the older one since she's older and in their eyes "cool" and they just want to be with her, like her, and get a little attention from her. You don't say what gender the twins are but find something they can do together. If they're girls let the teen go with them to Claire's or something to get bracelets or earrings while you sit outside. If they're boys have them ask her to go shopping with them and help them pick out "cool" clothes. She'll feel honored (she probably won't show it) and they'll love it because they're getting attention from her. I'm sure you can find something that can bridge the gap. For me and my step sister she would take me to the pool once a week during the summer. It was the best time ever because I got be with her alone, yes she would bicker at me sometimes but we were together which was awesome. Help your teen understand they look up to her and just want to be like her.

One more flip side, make your twins understand that teens need/want personal space. My step dad finally got so tired of me hounding my step sister and her yelling at me that a rule was established. If her door was closed, she was off limits to me if the door was open (and she was in there) I could go in her room. He made sure she understood that the door had to open sometimes. Harmony was established fairly quickly after that.

Don't get too flustered about this and just work with all of them to establish some new house rules. Good luck!!

My girls are 11 & 5. So for 6 years my oldest was an only child. At times she feels like I love her less than her sister, but I explain to her that I treated her the same way when she was younger. Now as the years have gone by she sees that now the youngest is having more chores and getting in trouble for more stuff. Just sit down with your oldest and explain to her that your love is the same for all of them, but they are at different stages in their lives.

Also when the our oldest is the one doing ALL the instigating, we make her serve her sister for one week. For example, fix her plate and drinks, clean her room, play games with her. That stopped a lot of the fighting. And it only took us having to do this once.

When they argue and won't stop, I make them say sentences of love to each other. I do let them argue some because they will always have differences of opinions. But if they don't resolve the issue on their own, I put a stop to it. A sentence of love is "I love you because..." I had to put a stop to b/c your hair, clothes, shoes... are pretty; and you have fun toys. At first I let them say those things, but now it has to be about their personalities and characteristics. Now even the argueing has become minimum. Not only are they realizing they do love each other, but it makes them feel good about edifing each other.

Hope this helps for you as much as it has helped us.

wow, sounds like you've lost all control. Call the Super Nanny.

oh God how I miss that. I have 3 kids too. Mine are now 18 <daughter in the army>, 17 son <getting ready to go to the army, and a 14 son <taller then I am lol> These things will happen. I will tell you and my kids will verify this. I got to where if they fought I would make them stand in the middle of the room and hug. I would not let them move till they laughed or started smilin again. Of course it took them a couple of years to catch on that mom would not let them go till they were happy again. They now are closer then ever. They enjoy the time they have with eachother b/c of my daughter being in the army they dont get much of that any more. I know at the time it drove me nuts seeing them fight but I look back on it and I miss it. Hang in there its just starting. The teenage years are really rough. Remember one thing during those years. You will become the dumbist person on the earth and you were born an adult you have never been a kid. lol Once they get older they will realize "hey mom aint dumb after all" They have to learn to fight their own battles but in the end still show love. Good Luck

Princess

I know how you feel. My 11 yr old and 6 yr old are five years apart. They fight about everything constantly. Does your teen have his/her own room? I figure if he/she has their own room they can go to that room to calm down. Your teen also may feel that the younger children are not allowing him/her their own personal space. But it could also be due to hormones, your teen maybe having problems in other areas and is using the younger children as an outlet for his/her anger. I suggest sitting down and talking to your teen to see what exactly is the problem and work from there.

I am all about tough love in this situation. She is FAR too old to be acting so ridiculously. Take away everything, phone, friends, tv, games, etc... until she can behave like she deserves them.
Life isn't always fair, like the day a new baby (or two) comes and mom gets busy with them. But love is ALWAYS there and they need each other.
Put a camera in the room to make sure the little "innocents" aren't antagonizing her, as sometimes we only hear the RESPONDER in many situations. Perhaps she feels left out and alone because she is always told they are younger...
If you tolerate it, it will continue... You may even consider a child psych/family counselor if she just can't poull it together.

I have a teen and an 8 year old and they too fight regularly, so instead of listening to their arguments, we decided to punish both when they argued or were hurt (there boys). They did not think it was fair but we told them life was not fair and it wasnt fair that we have to keep listening to their often ridiculous arguments. The result - they had to learn to resolve their conflicts or they would both be in trouble. It works pretty well. Hope this helps. T.

Your teen is crying out for some specialized attention. Her stepdad may be great, but he is not her dad, and cannot make up for the fact that her dad rejected (or at least is not there for her). Teenage girls especially need acceptance and love (not sexual) from their dad or a very caring and loving granddad or stepdad. `Sounds like everyone in the family has a partner but her. She is angry about it, and it results in "stupid" sounding arguments. Give her a lot of attention. She will not be there much longer, and she will leave home to search in all the wrong places for what she could have gotten at home.