Yesterday my husband & I had the biggest fight ever, we have been together to 15 years & this was the biggest. We usually don't scream but this time we did.
I wanted to know how to deal or fix etc., this.
He has not been working more than 20 hours a week & I have still been working my full time schedule & on top of that, doing my motherly, wifely duties.
I am upset by the fact he is not helping with the house stuff & the parent stuff. I know it sucks for him that he is not working but I am not a pity party person. Get over it & find work or get things done around the house.
He let the kids run amuck; the house is trashed from one end to the other by the time I come home at 10:30 in the night. I wake up to dishes in the sink, dinner on the stove, laundry all over the place, no baths, kids sleeping on the couch not in beds, crayons on the walls, spilled things on the counter & the carpet.
I've had it, my girls get into my stuff, & I can't find the things I need to get ready for work. It goes on & on.
Dads out there what am I doing or what do I need to do to make things better?
Moms what have you done or would you do?
When we talk about it he says I know you think I don't do anything, I know you think I sit here all night. I do think that because actions speak louder than words. If it walks like a duck then it is a duck!
OMG IS IT IN THE FREAKING WATER?! Must be a bad moon cycle, every guy I know is being a jerk, mine included.
I have no advice (sorry), but I'm right there with you sweetie :)
HMM I think You need to give him very specific directions. Being at home with the kids can be harder that you realize..BUT that doesn't excuse his behavior.
I wouls tell him
1. the kids are NOT allowed in my stuff Period!
2. Kids MUST sleep in their beds!
3 You expect things to be generally cleaned- spills wiped ect.
Then give him a schedule- today kids need to do... baths etc.
Enlist your kids. tell them that just because dad is home doesn't mean you can go crazy. They should know better that to color on walls. tell them they ARE not allowed in your stuff. etc.
lastly praise your husband when he does one of the things like actually gets kids in bed (even though its a no brainer really it will make him feel better)
Good Luck!
I once told my ex that if I was doing all the motherly duties and working fulltime and he was only working 20 hrs and was wasn't even doing half as good a job watching the kids as a babysitter would (kind of like what your husband is doing ) Then WHAT did I NEED him for. It made him really mad but sad to say didn't really wake him up =( thats why we r divorced.
Ugh. I hate it when I feel like I have no choice but to "manage" my husband, but it seems to work better than nagging or fighting. Try to be specific. In the morning or the night before, say, "Honey, I'm going to be home at XXpm tonight. Would you mind giving the kids their baths and having them in their pjs when I get home? It would really help me." After the kids are in bed, maybe the two of you could share a glass of wine while cleaning up the kitchen together and talking about your day.
When I first became a mom, I found it very difficult to get things done around the house b/c I couldn't finish anything without being interrupted a dozen times. It made me feel really disorganized and tense. Maybe your husband has a touch of ADD and just doesn't function well when there are a million things happening at once. :) He may need you to teach him some tricks of the trade.
Sounds like everyone else already had the same reactions I did. Depression can cause an inability to organize tasks or motivate oneself to do them. I suffered from it for years and sometimes sorting the mail into bills and recycling was all I could accomplish in a day - I just couldn't focus or find the energy. A check list (in the order in which they should be done) might help the focus. Same with a medical check-up or a counseling session or two.
The kids should be cleaning the crayon off the walls. Unless they are 3 years old, they know better. I'm not sure what is spilled on the carpets, but maybe all eating, drinking and crafts need to be done in the kitchen until they can demonstrate their maturity and carefulness.
The kids can clear the table and at least get the dishes in to soak, if not in the dishwasher (if you have one). They can help Dad prepare dinner - getting stuff out of the fridge, putting it back. Yes, it's work, but it makes people more efficient if they don't want to clean up as much. Even little kids can sort laundry, match socks, fold underwear, and make stacks of their own things. Have your husband make a game of it. Meantime, he can fold bigger things like towels, and maybe the sheets can wait until you get home for 2 adults to do together.
Your stuff should be off limits. I would take away THEIR things every time you find your things messed up. No toys, no whatever they value.
If your husband checks out medically/psychologically, and if no progress is made, then you could consider something dramatic like putting the dirty dishes in a box on his side of the bed! He'll have to wash them then - LOL.
I think the stress of him not working as much, and you carrying the load, is taking its toll - and that's why this fight was so big. You are both frustrated. But having the kids run amok isn't good for them in the long run, and it's not good for you in the short run - so the parenting has to kick in. Scale back your expectations on the stuff that doesn't matter, and focus all your energy on the stuff that does matter. Let your husband know how much you know this sucks for him, and let him vent about his frustrations if he can put them into words. Then figure out together which of the things upset him (dinner all over the stove, whatever's worst) and concentrate on that first.
And if your "wifely duties" include intimacy, I'd suggest you be way too tired for that for awhile...
Good luck!
Perhaps he is clinically depressed. I would discuss seeking a medical opinion with him.
sounds like he want to be acknowledged for what he IS doing. however, he absolutely needs to keep the house and kids in order if you are unable to help with that because you are supporting the family. you could try making a chore list, for him and for the kids. if he doesn't like it then he can try to get more work and pay for a housecleaner and babysitter.
He really needs to get it together...When you are calm I would sit down with him and ask him what he thinks will work to help with the house. Does he need an agenda? A to do list? A schedule that lists what needs to occur when?
I am sorry but this stuff he is doing or not doing ...he should know better.
This sounds like my life right now, so if you find the answer let me know!
