Fiance's Son Refuses to Visit Him Every Other Weekend

I have been in the same situation, only I was the mom. The boy legally has no choice but to visit his father. He is only 14 and does not have the right to decide. It's tough on both sides to make him visit, but in his best interest. He needs to know his mother and father. Years later he will appreciate it. My girls are now 21 and 24. They finally got to know there father and have a wonderful relationship with him. I'm not sorry for making them go for visitation.

I am part of a blended family, it is not easy, regardless of the age of the children; but it is more difficult when the children are teen-agers.
Regardless of what the childrens Mother tell them about you or their Dad, keep the lines of communication open. It is basically a trust issue with children, and their protectiveness usually resides with the parent, whom which they live with. It hurts, but remember you are only in control of your environment, and not the one of the childrens Mother. So create a place that the children look forward to visiting; and allow the 14 yr old to resolve his issues in his own time. Forcing him to visit will only icrease his resentment towards you and his Dad, and give his Mother one more issue to degrade your relationship.

Be the Bigger Person.

They (children)are innocent, and do not comprehend all the 'adult issues' that unfortunately affect them. It is all emotional, and it is our (parents) responsibility to help them understand why this life change has taken place, and it is O.K. to feel resentful, hurt, abandoned, but know that they are LOVED.

I hope this helps.

Blessings

N. Valmore

I am SO not judging your situation, but have had some experience that I'd like to share. It's kinda long, but there's a couple points after the background info. My parents had an ugly divorce when I was 18 (dad announced it AT MY GRADUATION). My brother was 14. He went to see my dad because he "had to" and he developed some serious issues because of it. He had to sit there and pretend to be ok with his dad living with another woman, stifled his confusion, hurt, and anger, and it made him pretty sick but noone seemed to notice except my mom. I came back home to live after school for a couple years, and saw it, and both me and my mom tried to explain it to dad but he wouldn't listen AT ALL. I think he thought we were stupid or dramatic, or that Jonny was playing us. HE truly thought they got along fine. The divorce happened in 1994 but b/c Jonny "had to" see his dad and "had to" be ok, he had some serious anger issues that only happened every once in awhile (if he felt he "had to" do something), and they were very explosive. Then the night of my wedding, there was alcohol being served. My brother NEVER drinks, but dad got him to drink and have "man time". Dad was harping on him (or giving fatherly advice, depending on who tells the story). Since Jonny had been drinking, so he FINALLY had the guts to say what he wanted to say: if you were so concerned with what kind of a man I'd become, why did you leave us and marry your secretary? Dad, in shock, slapped him in the face. Jonny jumped him, and broke 2 tables, 5 chairs, and a window in the process. He would have thrown dad from the balcony if people hadn't tackled him. It was very bad. But this was pent up anger after Y E A R S of frustration and feeling like he had no say, no control, and that he had dad's new relationship shoved down his throat before he was ready. Here's another thing: people think the older a kid is, the better he should handle a divorce. I don't think this is true AT ALL. 14 is a delicate age: the teenage angst is just starting! I know from watching Jonny that it's also the time when he really needs a father more than any other time in his life: this is when he starts transitioning into a man, when he needs help with emotions, physical stuff, how to fix stuff, whatever. But if he's got some anger or hurt (WHICH HE DOES) then it upsets him to feel that he needs his father and it makes him quietly panic. And one more thing that is VERY VERY important: you say the other kids laugh about their lack of real punishment at their mom's house. This conversation, at the ballfield with a couple kids, may be funny to a 14 year old in his situation. But this conversation at his father's house in front of his father's girlfriend FEELS like betrayal....like his siblings are traitors (or he would feel he is a traitor for taking part in that conversation). His siblings, being younger, adapting to this easier just adds confusion. I'm sorry, but it's the way it is. If you really care for this boy, you'll have to tread with trepidation and understand that this is not about you being able to defend yourself. It's not really about you anyway, you're just one of the many factors. I was able to handle my situation with dad a lot better and a lot easier because I was 18 and noone could tell me what to do or how to feel. I was a lot more (openly) angry and said exactly what I felt. I told him I hated him, that I wanted nothing to do with him, that he betrayed us, and then got over it in a couple years. That can't happen with a 14 year old, so it takes a little longer for him to work it out in his head. But I think forcing him to do anything would cause A LOT more problems. I think if you care for him at all, you would have father/son outings where noone else is really involved, or maybe his siblings. I understand your fiance's feelings of "this is my new wife, my new life, he has to accept it", but I truly believe it's not the way to go about it yet. Let him heal. Let his relationship with his dad heal. Then ease into the new family stuff. Also: what you see as his mom holding him away, in my experience with my own mom/brother, best friend/son, and other friend/son, she is more than likely trying to protect him b/c she sees stuff she can't explain or talk about. In answer to the "exdeputy sheriff" who replied earlier: yes you could technically take his mom to court and cream her for being in contempt. If he's ALREADY hurt and angry with his father for hurting his mom, HOW IS THAT GOING TO HELP THIS SITUATION? Finally: once they had that huge terrible fight at the reception, Jonny has had this big dark cloud lifted. He's happy. He's relaxed and calm. He is now a great husband and honestly hasn't had a temper explosion in nearly 2 years (since that night). He needed to get it out and work through it. Go figure. Oh---and no more alcohol served at family functions! :P

I've been all the way around the divorce situation, being the unaccepted child by the stepmom; I've been the stepmom and am now divorced with kids. I don't think it's good to force the son. I did not force my son and he came around on his own. If you force him, then you need to be prepared for a difficult time. Think about if you are forced to go somewhere or do something you don't want to. The son did not ask for the divorce, his parents did, so it's a very delicate situation and he may have some resentment and his eyes his world maybe torn apart. It does sound like he needs some one on one time with his dad to talk through his issues. I don't think it's you personally that he "hates", but possibly the idea of feeling like you are taking dad away from him. I am an advocate of counseling. It's very difficult and I think trying to look at it from the child's perspective helps and listening to his concerns. If dad can spend some alone time with him to talk and truly listen to the son, get to the issues, and reassure him of his love, it will probably help. Again, counseling is another thought. While it seems like your problem, it's really about the child. Best of luck to you and your family.

Girl - this is a really common problem. Maybe you and your fiance can come in and chat to see what we can do. I will waive my consultation fee - tell my paralegal Angela that you are from Mamasource. I have been practicing in Tarrant for 20 years - this is all I do so I will be glad to take a look and brainstorm options. J. D. www.janetdentonlaw.com; ###-###-####

i AM A RETIRED DEPUTY SHERIFF WHO WORKED IN FAMILY LAW COURT FOR THRE YRS. IF HIS DIVORCE PAPERS STATE HE IS TO GET VISITATION ON CERTAIN DAYS/W/E THEN SHE IS IN VIOLATION OF COURT ORDERS IF SHE DOSN'T MAKE THEM GO. HE CAN TAKE HER TO COURT AND SHE WILL BE FOUND IN CONTEMPT. EVEN IF THEY DON'T WANT TO GO THEY SHOULD.
I ALSO SAW THIS HAPPEN WITH MY OWN G'CHILDREN AND MY DAUGHTER MADE THEM GO.

The Family code says that the conservator is to foster the relationship with the other parent. She is to encourage him to go visit although with teenagers of his age it becomes very hard to make them go. Short of forcing him in the car she should be making him go. Has the Dad tried talking to his son there at her house maybe in the front yard. Is he there when he goes to pick up the other kids? Maybe he should take that child to dinner by himself and see if he can open a door.

Hope that helps some

I was in his same situation with my parents divorce. I was forced to go on weekend visitations with my father, even though I didn't want to. I spent my time in the upstairs guest bedroom watching tv or listening to my radio. And my sister was always with the kids in the neighborhood. He knew we didn't want to be with him but it was the only thing he had any kind of controll over so he kept the visits going. Now, in my situation, my father was very controlling, manipulative & verbally controlling. That's why we didn't want to be with him. I was 13 before I was finally allowed to make my own decision to stop going on the visitations. (They divorced when I was 9)If he doesn't want to go on the visitations, don't force him. I don't know how long they've been divorced, but he may still be having a hard time with the fact that dad has moved on. Maybe the two of them need some one on one time to really see why he doesn't want to go. As long as he knows he's always welcome & that he's loved, maybe one day he'll come around. Hope this helps!

First of all, I applaud your willingness to put yourself in such a position of marrying a man with six children. You've certainly got your work cut out for you.

Secondly, it's only natural that your fiance's son hates you. You're not his mother and you're planning to marry his father-a position that belonged to his mother. In his eyes, you're ruining everything. I think people really do underestimate the damage that divorce does to the children. They have their family ripped apart and don't have a permanent place to call home-they have to divide their time, stuff and affections between two people who don't like eachother yet are the most important people in their lives. They have to deal with parents who many times behave in an extremely selfish and immature way AND then are supposed to adjust to a blended family.

I don't know you but I'm sure you're a wonderful person. But this boy is hurting whether he says so or not. The reality is that you are not his mother and for all practical purposes you need to stay out of this mess other than encouraging your soon-to-be husband to be the man and make steps toward building a relationship with his son and trying to heal some of the damage that's been done through this divorce. Don't try to 'guess' what the mother is telling the boy about you and his father. Just be the best person you can be and he'll eventually sift through any lies being fed him.

Think really hard before you seal this relationship with a wedding. Is it best for your children, you, your fiance and his children? Remember love is not selfish and it does not think of its own needs before the needs of others.

I wish you the best.

I will give you a piece of advice...if you PUSH the 14 year old to go and visit his dad - you will end up with an angry and resentful child and soon you will never hear from him again. It sounds like perhaps your fiance should set up some one on one time to talk to him about how he is feeling. Also, you are making some BIG assumptions regarding what has transpired between he and his mom. I think it is totally normal for a teenage boy to not "like" his soon to be step mom and feel a tad bit resentful. For a teenager - it is VERY easy to HATE someone you don't know! I remember high school! It sounds like you should seek some family counseling. These are difficult years for kids - there are a lot of changes going on for them and 1 additional source of stress seems completely unnecessary. I know this must be difficult for you and your fiance, but you are both old and mature enough to move past the hurt feelings and to do what is best for the children, even if it hurts.

First of all, kudos to you for trying to make the situation work. You are in a difficult spot and I wish you all the best.

Based on my experience, I would not push the 14 year old about visitation. At 14, he had friends and activities on the weekends that he wants to do and family activities are just not that important. If he is forced to go, he will just become bitter towards YOU assuming you are the reason it is happening. Hopefully as he gets older and sees his siblings having fun with you and your fiance, he will relent and want to join the "new" family. This will probably not be until after you are married and he sees if you "stick" though. He may not want to get involved in order to save himself some disappointment if you relationship does not work out.

I totally agree with Alexis.

His dad should make some alone time with him and get to heart of it. It may not change the boy's feelings about you at all, but it may open up the communication with his dad enough that he will want to spend the weekends with him. Once he is there, I think you should concentrate on the rest of the brood, while of course including the 14-YO, but let *him* come to *you* at his own pace.

I imagine a 14-YO would recognize the obvious resentment between you and his mom, and he'd naturally take her side of this split... regardless of what she may tell him about you (which, by the way, you should try *not* to guess about!).

It's not going to be easy, and I think you should consider yourself lucky that you have such a great time with the others. The odds are in your favor that he will eventually come around, but I think his dad speaking privately with him is a very good idea.

Besides... it may simply be that he has things to do with friends on the weekends, that he may prefer over family time... who didn't at 14!

But good luck. I know it is frustrating and heartbreaking.

My parents divorced when I was six. At about 13 I stopped going to my dads as much. The reason why is I was a teenager and had friends and other things I wanted to do. My dad started doing things with me on say a sunday instead. After church we would hang out, go somewhere, etc. That way I didn't miss a Saturday with my friends. For me it had nothing to do with my parents relationship. It was purely that as a teenager my parents were the last people I wanted to be around. Teenagers are selfish. Have your fiance talk to him alone. Maybe a dinner just the two of them. It probably has nothing to do with the mom.

We blended families 14 years ago and have seen many trials and tribulations. My husband has a 15 year old that has only been a part of our lives for the last 3 years. At first he did not want to come and his Mother had laid a bunch of lies on him too. He really did not know us at all. The court does and will hold her in contempt if he is not made available to us. The court told her that she needed to encourge him to come as well. I can say that we from the very begining we stood our ground and showed him we are fair, kind and loving people. We neved bad mouthed her and after 3 years he has figured out what is real and what is not, and he respects us for it. I believe that the key to our sucess of blending families is that we never had any disscussion about the kids in front of the kids. We went behind closed doors and came out with a united front. They will try to divide you and you must always be together on every decision in front of them. They smell fear and indecision. We spent many hours compromising on issues. Always treat them as indivuduals and love them no matter what. Tell them and show them every day. Teach them how to be fair, loving and compassionate and you will succeed. Good luck.