Feelings on Children

I am so glad you had the courage to post that note, but it is very upsetting to read. I bet there isn't a mother out here who hasn't been in your shoes. It is hard being a parent. And it's even harder when your mind and/or body is not well.

It really sounds like you need support -- from both friends and professionals.

Pick up the phone TODAY and make at least 2 appoitments. One with your child's school psychologist and one with your child's pediatrician. Get those appointments made. If you can, try to get a third appoitment made today with a therapist. If you can't get it done today. Do it first thing Wednesday. Just pick someone in the phone book. Get started now! You can always change therapist.

B., this is a great forum to turn to as well. However, I worry that in your situation, bad advice -- even if well meant -- could hurt your feelings and it really sounds like you need a hug that lasts about 3 months. I worry that bad advice could push you further into "dispair."

Please take care of yourself. It WILL get better with help. Just hang on tight and take one step at a time. Try to let your husband know how your feeling. Does your own Mom live nearby?

Let us know how you're doing.

I understand how you feel. Sometimes I feel that way about my 7 year old son, but not lately. Lucky for me the feelings come and go. He is very, very annoying sometimes. We've never officially had him tested for ADHD, but he has excellent grades so for him I think he's just being a normal boy.

Maybe your daughter needs medication to control her ADHD. It sounds though, like you need family counselling. You can't give your daughter away just cause she won't do what you want her to do. Try to set aside some time to spend with only your daughter. Take her to Bath & Body Works or the bath section of Walmart and let her pick out what smells best (even if it's not your favorite). Get her body lotions, and sprays to match. If she has pretty stuff maybe she will feel more like being pretty and clean. Tell her after she takes a bath and washes her hair real good you can have a girls time. Do her hair, paint her nails, and put a little makeup on her. Try to be patient when she gets distracted, and remind her how pretty she'll be when you're all done. Then maybe after she's all done up you two can go out for lunch together. She just wants your time too. Hopefully your husband can take your son and do "man" things while you have a little girl time with your daughter. My son is an amazingly different child when he gets one on one time with me. That's when I'm reminded how much I love him!

Hi B.. I absolutely agree with the 3 posts before mine. I do think you need to talk to your doctor as well as hers. I know it is hard. But if I can do it which I have had to do) than you can. The hardest thing in the world for me was to admit to someone that I was not a perfect mother and I needed intervention. He realized what i was suffering from and it had a very simple solution. Just ask for help.

I love the idea of your daughter just getting time for you and her to spend together alone. Since your husband isn't willing to help find a trusting babysitter for your 3 year old and do something special with your duaghter. It will make a huge difference for both of you.

I also have to say that your feelings are selfish. Moms have to sacrifice their immediate needs for their children. You cannot just give your daughter away. You need to fight for her. You cannot just run away. You need to fight for your family's happiness. Maybe you and your husband could get some counseling together.

Please, if you need to talk just send me a message. God bless you.
A.

B.,

How I sooooooooo feel for you, my daughter is 16 and has been ADD/ADHD since she was 7 yrs old. I have gone through the same kind of trials and tribulations that you are going through right now (and I still go through them from time to time). I, too, also felt like putting her somewhere - so that I didn't have to deal with her problems. I'm glad I didn't. I've just come to realize that my daughter sometimes cannot control what she does due to her illness. Ivelearned not to let her 'quirks' upset me - because then she wins and knows how she can upset me.

Here's what I have to say/ask.....

Is your daughter on medication? If so, does she see someone on a monthly basis to monitor her medications? My daughter sees a specialist - a Nuerological doctor that specializes with children with special needs - I.E. - ADD/ADHD, EPILEPSY, ETC. Maybe you should seek that kind of doctor for your daughter as well. Her medications may need to be adjusted/changed.

I would also seek some kind of counseling - My daughter and I were in and out of counseling for years - I finally gave up - because she has this attitude about her that she didn't care -didn't take anyone's advice - so I felt as though it was a waste of everyone's time and my money. That's not to say that it won't work for you. Unfortunately, everyone in the family,HUSBAND included should go for this therapy. I'm saying this because he also lives in the household where the behaviors are happening - and he should be able to stand behind you - and vice versa - in dealing with HIS child as well. I know about the non-supportive husband factor - my husband is my kids step-father and I believe he's in partial denial about my daughter and her illness... he thinks she's just lazy and punishes her for EVERY LITTLE thing she does. Partly of her behavior is normal for a teen - and he just goes ballistic!! She loves to talk on the phone with her friends when she knows she has chores to do - so if her chores are not done - he goes nuts and screams/hollers at her for not doing them - whereas I make her do her chores right then and there and forego the yelling/screaming and even punishment - ITS NOT WORTH IT.. and NOT EFFECTIVE. I can't punish her for being on the phone and not doing her chores - because I'm NOW making her do her chores and hanging up the phone. No phone - no priviledges until they are complete. And sometimes that takes all nite - so nothing till the next day!

As for disciplining/punishing - with ADD/ADHD children - you have to handle the wrong act in the time that it happened.
ADD/ADHD children don't have the memory skills to remember what they did wrong hours from the incident happening. You have to 'nip it in the bud' so to speak right then and there. Punishments for a week or longer are non-effective - since in between the time of the incident and the week of punishment - I can GUARANTEE that she will do something ELSE that she wasn't supposed to do - and end up getting punished for that on top of her other punishment. IT DOESN'T WORK. She would only be in her room forever.

Believe me, I've tried it - if I punished my daughter for everything that she did wrong for a lengthy period of time - she'd be in her room till she was past 30!!

Here's what I did instead of punishing - when she does something she's not supposed to do - give her an extra chore to do - and it will be a pain in the butt - but you'll have to make sure it gets done. Remember to reward/praise her for a job well done - no matter how small the job was!

As far as her keeping her room clean - well... I have some bad news for you - ADD/ADHD kids NEVER have clean rooms!! Disorganization is part of their psyche. If you want her room cleaned up - make her clean it - I've told my daughter that she is not allowed to do anything else until her room is cleaned - and believe it or not - I just went through this just about a month ago with my daughter- it took her 4 DAYS to finally clean her room - as well as my husband and I going in with garbage bags and throwing alot of her stuff out that she had refused to clean up - mind you we really didn' throw it out - just hid it from her - but that put her in a mindset that OH MY GOD.. MY MOM THREW AWAY MY STUFF!!! and she finally cleaned her room! In between these 4 days of nonsense.. she was screaming her head off!! (TAKE A LOOK AT MY PROFILE AND THE REQUEST I PUT IN LABELED - "WHAT A WEEKEND!")When my daughter was small ( and you might have to do this as well) I stayedin the room with her and told her where to put things - so that the room was cleaned to my liking and so that she knew how to clean her room to my liking in the future. I never touched a thing - only supervised and advised.

As far as her schoolwork goes, does she have an IEP - Individual Education Plan - or on the 504 plan through school - where she gets extra help/time for assignments and testing? If not - get her on one ASAP. This plan will help tremedously. I would also get in touch with her teachers and see if they are able to PROVIDE you with her homework assignments - so that you know what she has to do and make sure she's doing her assignments as well as helping her study for tests. I know it may sound a bit juvenile - though flash cards could work as well for spelling/vocab tests and math problems. You could make them yourself out of index cards and put the words/math problems on them that she's to be studying for at the time.

As for her hygiene - I've battled the same thing with my daughter and still do - and she's 16!!!... I'm constantly on her about her hygiene- shaving, her period, showering, deoderant.. the works! My daughter also has a problem with nitetime bedwetting - seems to go together with ADD/ADHD kids. I've made her responsible for her own hygiene - right down to her bedwetting problem. If she has an accident - she is responsible for the cleaning and washing of her sheets/clothing and bed. I've even gone as far as putting my bathing suit on and stripping her naked and washing her myself!!!... It is a bit degrading and embarrassing - but she was CLEAN!!! Maybe if you did this to your daughter-she'd get the hint....Now mind you - none of this happened cheerfully...there's always a struggle!!

I have a saying - PARENTING IS EXHAUSTING - AND DOUBLEY EXHAUSTING WITH AN ADD/ADHD CHILD!..

Lastly - I would take the other mother's advice and take her out to spend time with just her - to try and put some peace between her and her brother as far as the jealousy factor goes.

I'm sorry this is so long, I hope I've helped you in some way. I know how exhausting and trying this can be for you - but think of how trying it must be for her as well.

I'm here for you if you should ever need to talk. GOOD LUCK!!

M.

Wow! It sounds like you've reached the end of your rope. You should get into counseling about this. These are some serious feelings building up inside of you. Perhaps after you start counseling, you could look into signing you and your daughter up for an activity that you can both enjoy and focus on. Getting her to trust you a little more will help her respect you.

Have you spoken with a professional.
It would be a good way for you to vent your feelings instead of letting them bottle up inside you. It's normal to be angry & frustrated.
Sometimes we all need someone to talk to. Check your yellow pages for free parenting help in your area.
Maybe she could use more activities to show her how other kids are clean and friendly and get good grades etc....often the best way to change a child's behavior is to show them an example of other kids.(not only in school)
I stopped sucking my finger after my first sleepover, I saw no one else was doing it and got embarassed, for an example.
Good luck and don't worry...it will get better.

Please for yourself, your children, and your husband seek professional help now. If you don't know where to turn ask the counselor at your daughter's school and at the same time ask the counselor to meet with your daughter. There still is time to change your relationship with your daughter. My cousin has ADHD and my aunt has down an amazing job raising this beautiful, happy, intelligent child (who is going to college this year). You can do it too. Please get help.

dear B., you my dear, are in need of some tender loving care yourself and a bit of therapy. please talk to your doctor and tell them how you feel. they can refer you to someone who can help you understand yours and your daughters behaviors. you are not alone, you sound depressed to me. i too have have been depressed in the past and also had a daughter with similar problems, perhaps had i talked to someone earlier on we could have avoided problems later in life. my heart goes out to you and yours.

Dear B.,
I imagine it feels awful to feel this way about your child and your entire situation. I urge you to seek out a family therapist who knows something about ADHD. It can definitely affect the parent-child bond, and you need that bond now more than ever as she transitions into adolescence. You sound tired and pushed to the edge, and you need to have your reserves built up to be the kind of parent you want to be. It sounds like everyone in your family is affected, and everyone has a hand to play in finding solutions. Talk with your husband about giving family therapy a try. And visit the website of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (www.aamft.org) to get you started learning more about family therapy and to find a competent MFT (Marriage and Family Therapist) in your area. The Therapist Locator service available on the website often includes expanded information about MFTs in the area, so you may be able to find someone who works with families with children diagnosed with ADHD. And if you DON'T end up seeing an MFT, be absolutely sure that the person you DO go to has been specifically trained to work with FAMILIES (not just individuals), and experienced working with children like your daughter. Don't let it get any worse before you take action. There is nothing wrong or shameful about seeking therapy--most families find that they encounter rocky periods and it's helpful to have a guide through them. It is a statement of your family's resourcefulness and commitment to seek help when help is clearly needed.

I am a teacher in a tough area and dealt with a LOT of ADHD kids. I would check out flylady.com. She has a Student Control Journal for you to print out to help your daughter organize her school work and she will help you create routines for your daughter's day that will help her be more self-sufficient and be proud of herself for doing it. For kids with attention issues/special needs, routines are the thing that helps them the most. It will be hard to start at first, but eventually, if YOU stick with it, she'll be able to not only get by, but have the real possibility of thriving. Best of luck to you.