I know this is very common in relationships for one or both to feel under-appreciated, not respected enough or even un-loved at times. But I'm having a really hard time with this, not just now, but often throughout the four years we have been together. A little history:
How we went about things was very unconventional and probably frowned upon by many. My SO and I met over a summer (I already had a 2yr old boy from a previous relationship that totally didn't work out, very bad, bio-dad not in son's life. My current SO already had a 5yr old, 4yr old, and almost 2yr old, all girls. The two older ones from first ex-wife and younger one from second ex-wife. I know, I know, already 2 ex-wives by the age of twenty five, not a good sign. And found out later that his second wife may not even be an ex because of an unofficial divorce, they were young and dumb, I'm still confused at this point. So, needless to say, we are not married.)
Anyway, we moved very quickly in our relationship. I was originally trying to make the right decisions, by taking it slow. I had a son who my mom would watch while I worked and I had finally my own place after getting on my own feet and finishing a 2yr degree. I thought I was making all the right moves until I met my SO. It was a whirlwind, he was over all the time, and so were his kids. I thought it was great that he was a single dad and taking care of business. Found out later that his mom helped out A LOT. The Bio-moms lived in different states. Pretty soon they were basically living with me. Well, we got pregnant. My SO told my dad in person, needless to say my dad did not take that as a sign of respect. I was also starting to realize that My SO wasn't a very truthful person, little things here and there. But he was also soo charming and I was in Love. We had many talks about how difficult this will be as a family, and how I didn't feel ready to take on such a big responsibility of having three step children, but he kept reassuring me and telling me that if I really didn't want to then we could go our seperate ways, allthough he really didn't want to. Soooo, we've stuck together.
I have tried my hardest to keep things together for the children. My step children are mine, I don't treat them as 'step' children. I love them. So we have five all together, now 9yrs, 8yrs, 6yrs, 5yrs, and 3yrs old. And we are still not married. We have had some really tough times over these past four years; financially, emotionally (i was on meds for deppresion and anxiety, stopped them last spring, as I didn't want to rely on them forever and now feel really good for the most part.), he had a gambling problem which he stopped a year ago, I was not going to take that anymore, family or gambling. He made the right choice, though he does still spend too much money on things that aren't necessary or not within our budget. Things have totally turned around since he has stopped gambling and I feel like he has matured a lot during this time, though he is still pretty immature, but he has accepted the parent role more so.
Back to my original statement, I still feel so under appreciated. We have been through a lot, and have gotten through them together. But no matter what, I still always feel like I am carrying most of the weight around the house, I understand thats common for SAHM's. I will end up having some sort of break down, usually around that time of month. If the problem gets big enough then we will talk, and get everything out in the open. I will tell him how tired I am, how I want him to help out more, etc. He will agree, and things might get just a tiny bit better but won't last. At some point I will feel the same, he won't be doing anything to help. On the plus side with all of this, we have learned to talk to each other much better, usually with my initiation cause I'm the one that's upset. I have wanted to end this relationship more times than I can count on my fingers, especially around that time of the month. But I just can't because I'm afraid. Afraid of losing 'what could be', not wanting to hurt the children, and for other reasons I don't know. We have grown so much closer over the past four years, and even though things are still so very tough (financially, children with learning delays, adhd, asthma and severe allergies, and more) I don't want to give up on something that could be. I know that no one can tell me what to do, but I'm kind of that person that has to be told what to do. Unless its something that I just already know that I don't want to do it.
Sooo, I'm sorry that this is so long, I just really needed to get some of this out. And I'm hoping that someone can give me some words of encouragement. Today my SO left for work with both him and I upset. I hate that. He works nights and sleeps the first part of the day so I will not be able to talk to him any time soon. (He asked me a favor before leaving for work, I got frustrated because I feel like I am already doing so much all the time for everyone, I tried to tell him that but it got him upset.) I know we will get over this little tiff as always but.... idk. I know that seeing a therapist would probably benefit us but not only have I had a bad experience in the past with one, it just doesn't work into his work schedule at all. please, please, please somebody tell me what I can do. I often toss around the pros and cons in my head of us splitting up. I feel kind of helpless. Also, I don't have anyone to confide in. My best friend of about 20yrs past away 3yrs ago, and she was the one that held all of our friends together. I never have time to socialize with others.
If anyone does read this, as it is reeeaaally long, I would appreciate any experiences they've been through, or words of wisdom, or anything really. Thanks in advance.
I really want to thank those that gave me some honest feedback, very helpful. I do already have a therapist for some of my children for behavioral things, etc. and just so happened that I needed to meet with her to sign some papers today. So with the encouragement of some of your suggestions I decided to ask her about therapy for myself. It was tough. It is much easier as a mom to ask for help for your children then to ask for help for yourself. I really appreciate the suggestion for the Bellevue area Therapist, I think that would be a bit far since we have only one working vehicle right now and I will be relying on my mom for watching my youngest. My child's therapist is really nice and has been so helpful for the kids and I, I explained to her that I wanted to see someone for couples therapy eventually but to begin with just me for now. She is going to figure out who would be the best match for me, as I want to keep my children's therapy and mine seperatly for now. I don't know why it was so difficult for me to do this, well, it might have something to do with the last therapist I saw over four or five years ago, he was of no help at all. It actually seemed to make things worse. I just wanted to say thanks cause I think if I hadn't written this today and had positive responses, I don't think I would've asked for help from my children's therapist. so thank you very much.
I also just want to say that my SO does have his good points about him, he is very fun (very much like a big kid at times), he can be sweet sometimes when he remembers, and when he works he works hard. But I do think he has adhd, which might be where our child got it from. He is my best friend. I can talk to him about anything, its just hard when its a problem between the two of us, such as him not doing anything around the house to help. I do love him, he is really just like a big kid, and I wish there was some other way I could deal with him other than feeling like his mother, that is not what I signed up for.
You are really all over the place it seems...one second you want it to work and the other you are out the door. I really don't feel that I can give you any better advice than to try to make time to see a counselor. You need an objective third party to mediate for you.
I getcha. I've been on the divorce fence for a few years, and it's not something that one can just be open about when one has kids. It's like social leprosy. Esp. amongst parents.
He can't get into counseling? Fine. YOU can. Individual counseling can be amazing (but as you've found, not all counselors are created equal... and even amongst GOOD ones, finding one that "clicks" with your personality, and values, and just overall feeling about life is hard). Have an ear where you can unload, bounce ideas off of, some SPACE to think and be and all that good schtuff.
I have a referral for you if Bellevue/Facortia isn't too far. She does individual and family counseling, and is just amazing. Instead of telling you what you *should* do, she helps you figure out what *you* want to do. She's also a PHENOM adhd counselor (rare), and since that's one of the issues you have to cope with every day is adhd, it's nice to know ahead of time that someone really gets it. (She's also fine with meds or no meds and has a gazillion coping strategies for it, so a major resource.) She's also quite familiar with addiction (pt faculty in addiction studies), so where your SO is at with his gambling isn't going to be much of a surprise. http://mlmcelroy.com/index.htm I've moved around a LOT and she is on my top 5 list of psychologists/counselors on the planet. Amazing woman. Ditto... if for any reason the two of you *don't* click, she's one of those rare ego-free people who will work to help you find someone you DO click with.
Later, when you and your SO *can* get into counseling, the Gottman Institute is incredible and it's here in town. http://www.gottman.com/ Although, I strongly urge you to seek individual counseling first.
Hi I amalso a sahm and i know the whole feeling unappricated. He is away more than home with his work and its all me on the home front. We have 4 kids. 1 is mine from a previous marriage 1 is his from a previous marriage and 2 together. Their ages are 2, 3, 5, and 7. Our 3 year old has a behavior disorder and I feel like tearing my hair out most of the time. I have M.S. and because of it am always so tired,luckly i don't have any problems with mobility just the fatigue and some st memory problems. He comes home and the house is messy and complains and I am stressed because of the kids. I feel as if i am always cleaning but getting no where.
BUT he is an awesome dad and my best friend. We have such a good time together when we can get past our feelings of unappriciated. We really enjoy each other. It seems like we argue mostly right after he gets home from work. I couldn't imagine my life with out him. How do you feel about yours? Do you enjoy your time with him? You sound as if you don't really like him. No one can tell you what to do. You need to figure it out yourself.
It sounds to me as if you already have one foot out the door, you either need to be in 100% and not concider leaving but what can be done to better the household or walk.
One thing that I have found is to find ways to make it "worth it" for both parties. My SO and I have been together nearly 6 years with a 4yr old who has had and still has many medical issues and every day I have to try to think of ways to make it "worth it to be here" for both of us. I love my SO and he loves me but we are in a RUT of ruts, he is working part time waiting for a full time position to come up (300/wk) and we are living with his parents. Currently I can NOT work b/c no one will take my son so I can not contribute it's easy to daily say what's the point? But instead I think of why we do stay, the FUN reasons (lots of laughs, best friends, we know who we are when we are together and apart) not the business reasons (money, household, keep the kids together). Maybe if you show him that helping out is worth his time and energy then he will be more responsive. and studies also show that people who work at night are more prone to depression, sleep disorders and other medical problems, that may be playing a role here. Good Luck, and I do find it sad that you do not look at your SO as your bestie too if you cant tell him your deepest and darkest who can you tell???
If you think this guy is a nice guy and really wants to make the relationship work but doesn't have the stick-to-itiveness to make long term changes with helping out around the house and such, then I would recommend that the two of you invest the time in getting some couples counseling. It sounds like you both have made a lot of progress with working out the issues in your relationship but sometimes you just need that different perspective or different skills that a professional 3rd party can give you. Some relationships are better than others -- not everyone one who falls in love is always going to be a good match -- but long-term relationships, in general, are a lot of work and a series of negotiations sometimes.
Also consider the fact that you may have a hormonal imbalance issue that may cause you to feel more frustration and possibly some depression around "that time of the month." I know that when I was on birth control I had horrible anxiety issues, which I totally thought was normal until I went off of them and then I realized the birth control/pms connection. Just something for you to think about and possibly talk to your doctor about later on.
Hope this helps. Feel better soon.
It sounds like you need to make time for counseling if your relationship is a priority for you. I know the one we met with to save my marriage worked around our schedules, even meeting us on Saturdays if need be, and had a room for the kids to play in where we could see them but they could not hear us.
Wow I think you are impressive to take on his children as well as your own and I hope for everyone's sake you CAN make it work. If his mom was helping before maybe she can help again?? take your little bio son to your Mom and the others to his mom and take some time for yourself!!!! It will make you a better mom and benefit EVERYONE. I used to put all my time into work and cleaning house and taking care of kids I never did anything for myself, I was unhappy and I never realized I am in charge of my own happiness. If the two grandmoms wont help find someone, maybe an aunt?? Again don't feel guilty raising 5 or 6 kids is HARD work and everyone deserves/needs a day off !! Please write again and let us know how things are working out!
I think your guy is bad news. I am really sorry. I think you set yourself up to be a doormat and not respected by letting a man with 2 divorces already, and you with one baby from a bad guy yourself, by letting him move in with you and taking care of his kids, having sex with him, etc, all with no commitment from him. Something inside of you does not realize that there are men and women out there that stay married for long amounts of time, have integrity, don't sleep around, and don't use people. I AM NOT TRYING TO BE JUDGEMENTAL OF YOU!!! I feel for you and my heart goes out to you. I am really sorry for all you are going through. I think it all starts with you. Write down your dream life. Is it to have a boyfriend or a husband? What kind of man do you want? If you could have your dream. What kind of person do you want to be? Then go through and look at how things really are and see how many things your SO fits with on your dream list and how many critical things are lacking. If there are tons of stuff lacking, then find out why you were attracted to him? Everyone deserves kindness, respect, including you.
So allow me to paraphrase, you were in college and doing well with your child. You had plans for your life then all of a sudden MR Wonderful shows up and turns you into a free childcare provider with benefits. Heres a few questions. Why aren't you two married? Do you realize you are putting a lot of hours into a many relationships that can leave you with nothing but heartache? What do you want out of this relationship? What does he want? This is not a little tiff, this is a man that seems to have just taken all of the responsibilities out of his exes hands and his then charmingly shoved them into yours.
