Feeling Overwhelmed

All mom's have felt like you. I have five and I was crying to a friend today about my two year old and some issues she is having. Your little guy will be back and you will never take it for granted. Sign lang. does help, you are doing right by asking him to use his words. It will definately help when he talks better. I can only say that praying and looking at the fact that God gave you this child because he knows you can do it and you get to enjoy him the rest of your life! They are alway's better for others. They can be angels and you walk in a they suddenly start to whine and have a total melt down. Good luck, be consistent with however you choose to handle it. Just remember that he is old enough to understand disapline and if you do not want the tantrums, you can try a place for him to get it under control. We have a soft place for ours to go and take a break, it is just a big chair. My youngest at 18 months knew that she needed to calm down before I would deal with what she needed. It took a couple learning times with me there to put her back. They do out grow it. I wanted to give you some support because it seems like so many people are trying to be the best mom on the outside when all we really want is the real thing.

Well Ashly C all I can tell ya is stick with it will get better but i cant promise u when. My little girl is 2 and still trantrums all day everyday.. I find walking away from her and putting what her and I where doing works really well. Say we where drawing a pic. and she starts in I will put my crayon down and walk into the other room.. She soon gets the point and comes in and tells me she sorry our gives me a hug and kiss and then its on to the next thing..

My daughter was terrible at 18 months... I dont know if it was the age-- or the fact that I had a new baby when she was 18 months. She got better as she learned to talk and communicate more.. there were weeks and days wehn I wanted to run away from home.

I just suggest taking breaks... leave the house without your son and go someplace..

Also.. do you have any places that you take your son?? the mall play area... the park... any place that distracts him from whining will help your days go better.

When little kids (and big kids) behave very well for others and poorly for parents, it means they still have some sense that their parents care, and are still afraid of what others might do -- it's a trust thing. That means, at present, your little guy still trusts you to help him get his needs met (which is why he's whining, he is needing something and doesn't know how to get it, it's possible that so far whining is the only thing that's working sometimes). He doesn't (clearly) trust his grandma, so he is careful and 'good' around her, out of genuine fear for his survival. He can't predict what she might do if he doesn't do what she expects, because he doesn't know her well enough. Exactly the same thing would have happened if he'd been cared for by some woman down the street that he'd never met before, or even Hannible Lechter. Who the other person is has nothing to do with it -- it's just fear that keeps them quiet and 'good.'

Most 18mo boys are not into snuggles and want to explore their worlds. Their worlds need to be made safe, loving and warm in order for that exploration to feel free and so he can engage with it in appropriate (safe) ways, without constantly being told to be other than he is (inquisitive, curious, pre-verbal).

You can tell him to use his words until your eyebrows fall off, but until his brain grows more and he actually gains more vocabulary, he remains incapable of doing so -- even for bribes, threats, begging or pleading. It is a great deal of pressure to put on a small brain: doing things it is not yet capable of doing. You can't speed it up, but you can smooth it out. The more stress he feels, the slower his development will be... meaning his ability to speak well will be pushed further and further into the future.

Get to know him very well, anticipate what he'll be curious about and make it easy for him to explore it all safely or just make it unavailable. He does not 'need to learn' that some stuff is not for playing with -- by the time he has any use for the information, he'll be long past this stage. It is not logical that some knobs and dials and hard and soft objects are alright to play wiht and some are not -- it simply doesn't make any sense to him. He is trying to make sense of his world, and unless you're on his level, you will have a great deal of difficulty understanding what he's trying to do, and you will very often make mistakes about his motives. He isn't trying to break things (although it's easier to see how things are made by taking them apart -- a reality for many boys that never really goes away, which is why they make good engineers and mechanics), he's trying to understand them.

He isn't trying to drive you nuts by whining at you, he's trying to get his needs met. Not his whims, not his desire to control you and everything else in the universe -- his needs. They are legitimate and they will not go away until they are met. Like hunger: The NEED for attention (which is parallel to the need for survival in small children) does not go away because a meal was skipped and there isn't food for another one. The need for attention today doesn't go away because he had lots yesterday, anymore than his need for dinner will be here again this evening, even though he's had dinner every day for a week already.

Oh, and btw: your mil telling you that he was wonderful for her IS a criticism of you, and a giant, needy, obnoxious pat on the back for her own skill and talent as a parent-stand-in. Isn't that nice?

Hi A.,

I too have a 20 month old and he is starting to really become a challenge for me. He was always the perfect baby and now I don't know who he is!! He'll still have his cute loving moments, but mostly its just wining all day and having tantrums. I know this will pass so I am just asking my husband to help out more when he comes home from work. I have 2 other children and I care for one so it can be VERY overwhelming at times and I know how you feel. Try to take a deep breath and get some time alone outside or go for a short ride just to energize because this WILL pass and we've just got to get through it the best way possible. Yesterday my little one would not let me change his clothes to put his pj's on and he was kicking his feet.. having a bigtime tantrum so I just put him in his crib with his onsie on and told my husband he needs to get in there and try to comfort our son. Sure enough it worked. He gave my husband no problems and my hubby dressed him, rocked him, and put him to sleep! I am thankful that he is there to help!! Good Luck!

I have six children under 9. And somedays they seem to spend the whole day whining or bickering and fighting. I know how EXTREMELY frusterating whining can be. The mom who said we have all felt like this was right! My best friend and I have developed a way of looking at this that might benefit you. We call them "Sitcom days". . . You know, the days when herds of children are chasing each other through the house screaming, you broke glass and it got all over the floor, someone's puking as you're trying to clean up the glass so no one runs through it and cuts thier feet while you're cleaning up the puke and taking care of the sick one,and the phone is ringing and someone is knocking on the door at the same time, etc.. Why? because if we were on a tv sitcom, canned laughter would be ringing from the rafters, and we'd be rich! In the thick of things imagine yourself on a sitcom and see the people at home laughing. It probably won't work any miracles, but hey - two seconds of chuckle is a welcome relief when you're having one of those days. I tell my children I don't "speak whine" and they'll have to speak normally if they would like me to respond. Overly whiny children get timed out to their bed until they feel they can speak and behave normally. That said, they still get whiny and annoy the poop out of me some days. LOL, I remember when my oldest was going through this phase. We had a "central wall" in our house that divided the hall, kitchen, and living room, and I remember just walking around it and around it, folding laundry while I walked with my son literally chasing me whining, and having a tantrum over something small. I just pretended like I couldn't hear his whining and just kept saying periodically "I can't understand you when you whine like that. I can help you when you speak in a normal voice".
It's maddening. Hang in there though. It will get better. He hasn't suddenly turned awful, and your parenting skills aren't lacking either. That said, your son is just entering the "terrible twos" (would've been nice if someone had mentioned they actually tend to start about 6 months before they even turn two!) All 6 of mine started around this age, so it's perfectly normal. That said, all you can do is develop your own coping skills and set healthy limits on his whining as much as possible, because it is *likely* to last awhile while he struggles to assert his independance and realize his own frustrations when he discovers his limits. Good luck!

Hi, Take a deep breath and just breathe slowly for a minute. Ok I know you've heard this stage doesn't last forever and trust a mom whose gone through it twice already, it really does get better!

At this wonderful age they are starting to realize how to get reactions out of us and he probably does it more with you because he knows he'll get a rise out of you. (Or your mom in law just doesn't want to admit her grandson isn't perfect and he does it to her too)

The only way I found to save my sanity was to tell my son and daughter "mommy doesn't understand or listen to whinning" and then walk away, as long as it isn't something important, he will soon learn that whinning doesn't work to get what he wants. Of course you will need to give lots of positive attention and praise whenever he asks or says something without whinning so he knows what does work, but that is the easy part. The hard part will be to ignore the temper tantrum that is sure to follow your announcement.

Now, do you have anyone you can talk to or some place to go when he is really driving you up a wall? Because you need to be able to vent your frustration without him seeing. Even a little bit of yelling or you grumbling will have a negative impact and set you back from what your trying to achieve.

Please feel free to contact me if you would like to talk or just to vent I know how hard it can be truly.

Good luck and your angel is still in there and will come back out.
K. SAHM of 3

It sounds like he doesn't know how to behave with you and he can't really verbalize right now like you wish he could. YOu have your hands full and you need to realize that your child is the most important person you have right now, next to you and your husband. Try to put your overwhelm-ment aside and when you are with your child, focus on your child. Don't worry about your school assignments or how the heck you are going to fit it all in. Your child needs your un-divided attention. Maybe he's fine with your mother in law because she is more relaxed around him. Children can sense so much. I know there is so much going on in this world right now and we all want so much but please, focus on your child. It's very important, they are the future. AND, when all is said and done and the day is over..........douse yourself in alcohol if y ou need too. Sometimes, it just helps. I hear ya sister. Good luck and remember, this too shall pass. The angel will come back. Stages are just that. It's all about how you love and treat them. Best of luck.

I have a 5 year old, a 3 year old and an 20 month old. I feel that they all go through stages that sometimes they are easy and laid back and other times cry about everything and don't do anything you want them to. I do think the stage will pass, but come back again in the same or differnt form of fussiness.
All of us moms feel this way!