Feeling like a Horrible Mother

I had 1 year home with my kids & while I am so thankful for that time with them in their baby-dom, it was by far the hardest job I've ever had! It took us a long time to get into a routine & once we did it went much smoother, but even with that being said, I need to work. I'm a better wife & mother when I'm working outside the home than when I'm not. That does NOT make me a bad mother, it makes me smart enough to know myself & what is best for me is also best for my family.

In the summer I am a "good" mom and rearrange my work schedule so I have Tuesday off with the kids. Lets see, they have been up since nine, I want to go to work to relax!

You are not a bad mom, you are normal. :)

I think they are louder when they play with each other than when they fight! :(

A good mom is a happy mom. I am a full time working mother. I love my children, but I would be a terrible stay at home mom. I recognize this about myself and I am not ashamed to say it. I am the breadwinner in my home, which I am proud of and take very seriously. I have a great, flexible career with understanding coworkers and bosses. My oldest loves his preschool, and my baby girl stays with my mother or MIL during the day while I work. In my eyes, I have it all and am a very lucky lady. While I miss them terriibly throughout the day, I cherish every moment I have with them.
You can have it all and be happy. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. If working and being outside the home is what would make you happy, then do it! You are not a terrible mom for wanting something different for yourself, and you have a lot of courage to come out and say so.

I think the 4 mornings away from them and the 10 hours at work should be enough... I also think maybe you need to change up how you are spending your time with your children and increase discipline in your 3 y/o's life.

Take them out as part of a Mom's playgroup, wear her out with playgrounds, sports or dance lessons.

I am just sending you a hug!! Being a mom is the hardest job on the planet!

I can tell you it will get better as the kids get older. I found a MOPS group that really helped me see that things wouldn't always be so hard as when they are so little...plus I suddenly had 40 other moms to talk to and I found out I wasn't the only one who wanted to get away from my kids for a while.

I put mine in mothers day out a couple of mornings a week and didn't feel guilty at all...I needed that time to recharge my battery. Don't feel guilty that time is your coffee breaks/weekends/vacation days your husband gets with his job. We mom's need breaks too!!

Some nights by bedtime I am so tired of my kids I don't want to read a story or lay down to snuggle I just want to run away. But you push through and then you know you have a least a few hours then for yourself as well.

BIG HUG!!

It sounds like you have a some time away, which most of don't, so use your time away to really recharge your batteries and take care of yourself. Your 3 yr old sound exactly like my 9 yr old at that age. She still has those personality traits and is very challenging at 9. If you can start a strong discipline program with her now, I would. I wish I'd done more discipline with my daughter because it definitely gets harder as they grow older. Read Love and Logic or 123 Magic. The key is consistency and calmness. If I get angry or start yelling, my daughter acts up more. Hang in there!

((hugs))
I could have written your post practically.
Do you know that the simple act that you feel the way you do means you are an amazing mom? Every parent has good days and bad days, and I am sure there isn't a one of us who has not gone to bed thinking I will do better tomorrow...my youngest Just turned 4...he is a trial and a half...I do the best I can and as a parent that is about all you can do, I am not perfect...none of us are. There are days when I lose my cool, yell or say something I shouldn't...we ALL have these moments.
The best advice I can give you ( that works for us)
a schedule...kids thrive on routine.
be consistent and follow through.
cut back on sweets and treats, sugar affects children differently and the very food you may be feeding your 3 year old may be what triggers some of the behavior ( in our instance when I cut out the red dye I noticed a big change)
don't be so hard on yourself...moms need breaks too. Make time for you.
have fun with the kids, relax...do not beat yourself up...and if you really think there is something more to the behavior talk to your Pediatrician...although I will say I always said there was no such thing as the Terrible twos ( it starts at 3!)
Wake up every day and do not guilt yourself about the day before, embrace the day and say this is a fresh start...the fact that you want to do your best says it all...no child could ask for more than a mommy who cares whether or not she is doing a good job, sadly do you know how many "moms" out there simply don't care? Hang in there...remember that saying "this to shall pass?" well it will = )

You know those of us who work full time aren't bad moms! I was a SAHM for 4 years and it had gotten high time for me to return to work full time! Sure, I would like to be "that mom" I guess, who is completely fulfilled and loves staying home, but I'm not her! I wish I could have my summers free with my boys, but I make far more money at my job now than I ever could teaching and it's far easier and less stressful (used to teach). I'm a big believer in quality over quantity, and I can tell you the entire family is better when I work outside the home. I really enjoy almost all of the time I spend with my kids now, and I want to spend my weekends and evenings with them instead of looking to escape like I used to! You may want to give it a try. We're not all cut from the same mold!

Hi G., don't worry..you are a mom of two little ones who require a lot of your time..and patience.
You have the kids at a daycare 4 times a week, and that should be helping a lot, right? So, use that time to take care of you, eat well, take care of things around the house, and go out, rest and have a nap when the baby naps, get together with a friend, go Barnes and Nobles to read a book and have a cup of coffee,...I mean pamper yourself....Kids at this age are pretty strong willed, they want to know how far they can go, and if you let them...they will go far and far and farther.
I home school my 2 boys, I don't have family living in town, I don't have babysitter. My husband works all the time also, but sometimes during weekends I ask him to stay with the kids so I can have a time to go out, visit friends, etc.
Relax, you can do it, many moms are in the same situation like you. You just have to talk to your husband and ask for help, a little bit will help so much! Now, you have to keep in mind a couple of things about your 3 year-old little girl: observe what she likes to do (coloring,legos,dolls?) she is at the age she is able to entertain herself, believe me!, crayons andleaf paper, glue and small pictures of flowers or shapes or letters, anything...anything may amuse her. AND it will help YOU to set boundaries and basic rules to her. Be consistent and firm, do not yell at her and when you feel exhausted and really frustrated take a time out, and then come back to your little one and do what you have to do. YOU CAN DO IT.
Motherhood is not easy and we have to find the tools and resources to make it a little bit easier. What works for you sometimes won't work for other moms and what works for others won't work for you, but you will find that every time is going to be easier..one day they will be gone..and believe me.....time goes so fast!.... enjoy them..being a mom is a wonderful journey but a hard one.
You are a good mom, you can do it....

Girl....I tell you this...you are completely normal for feeling this way. I work fulltime and wish I was home....I think you can have the best of both worlds and work part time with more hours than you've got but also then give the best you have to your kids....Also, be kind to yourself...your baby is just 6 months old and hormones are still raging...hang in there. My ideal would be to work 20-25 hours a week and then be home...but alas...not able to right now LOL...hang in there..you're being a good Mama and being honest is even better.

The three year old is at a difficult time in her life. She is at the old end of the terrible twos. She will try your patience. But the light at the end of the tunnel isn't really a train.

Just be glad you have another child. When the youngest is about 18 months they will be able to play together.

You don't say what she does to try your patience, but I think its because you are the child's playmate and she keeps you busy. Arranging play dates with other moms in your area with kids in the 3 year old range will give you an outlet for her and for you. She gets to play with others that have as much energy as she does. You get some adult conversation with parents going through the same thing.

Good luck to you and yours.

Help you be a better mom? I'm not sure you need help with that. Helping you with your guilt is another thing.
I think you're doing the right thing by having the kids in daycare and working some. Of course you love your kids. Needing a break doesn't mean you don't and it doesn't make you a bad mom. I promise.
Give youself a break. Emotionally.
Take it from me. Being away from your kids does not make you a bad mom. When I was going through my divorce, I had to put my son in daycare because all my court dates and appointments were like a full time job. Then, I had to work to support my kids. Yes, I'd have liked more time with them. Yes, it was hard juggling everything. Yes, we had good days and bad days.
My kids are 24 and 15 now. They are two of the most amazing people you could ever meet. They're well-rounded, affectionate, self-reliant. And they love me.
The day to day struggles can wear you flat out, but kids are resilient.
I often wonder how mothers who are nurses at my hospital do it. They work crazy hours, are completely devoted to their children, but they have fulfilling careers as well.
Just because things aren't easy, it doesn't mean any of us are doing something "wrong".
Frankly, I found that working, I had more patience with my young kids. Things went more smoothely because structure was a necessity as far as time schedules, but I let go of the towels having to be folded just so or legos in the crayon bin.
The only thing I want to say is that little kids are like sharks....they can smell guilt and frustration like blood in water and they will feed into it.
Let the guilt go. It's hard, but you can do it. If you want to work more, go for it. You really can find a balance where everyone is happier.
That's just my opinion.

Hang in there and best wishes.

I don't have any advice for you, but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone! I have a 3 year old boy and 8 month old girl. My 8 month old is an angel, but lately my 3 year old has been driving me crazy and making me question if being a stay at home mom is something I should be doing. I, like you, go to bed every night so upset and promising myself I will try harder to be a better mom the next day. I think 3 is a hard age, my son was much easier at 2 years old it seems. I am dying for him to go to preschool for a few hours a week but I can't get him potty trained so I can't enroll him yet. I just wanted to say I know EXACTLY how you feel. I hope it gets better!

I just started the book "The New Strong Willed Child" by Dr James Dobson. Wow, it is amazing!!! All kids can work your nerves, but a real feisty one is another story and learning how to shape their will without crushing or breaking it or being a pushover is helping me so much! You are a good mom, you may just need to see that you are not the only one with a strong willed child and maybe some ideas on how to cope will help. I sat in Starbucks last week and cried my way through the first two chapters!! hahaha.... On another note When my baby was 6 months and my older was 3, it was probably one of the most exhausting and difficult periods in my journey through motherhood so far. Once I weaned the baby and the two could start to play together more, things really improved. Now my oldest will be 4 next month and the baby is 18 months and it is much better, of course I am prego, so I still have my days of total overwhelment!! But it is a mom thing and anybody who has regular kids who aren't little saints every moment of the day can totally understand you. For those of us blessed with the future leaders of America, we can doubly understand you!! :D Hang in there and really if you can, get that book, you won't be sorry and the stuff I am learning is so awesome :D

You are a faboo mom already. i am a stay at home mom too and like you I said the same thing..I feel like I lost myself along the way. Maybe your 3 year old needs an activity.. can you afford a class of some sort? She could do martial arts (Which is all about teaching respect and disciplne), gymnastics, dance, scoccer, name it! That may get some of her energy out and also channel it.

::shoos the guilt away and replaces it with strength:::Someone suggested adding the fifth day of daycare? If you can, go for it! Think of your daughter's persistance as a good thing

I would also recommend talking to your doctor and maybe seeking some counseling. It does not mean you are a bad mom to ask for help or want more you time. Actually its very healthy to ask. you need to know what your needs are and how to meet them. A playgroup is also a great idea..you get some mom time and your daughter may make some new friends

Repeat after me..I am a great mom..I am a great mom... I am a great mom. Now.. keep repeating that and stop beating you up.

You are not a bad mom! I think we all have moments that we question our mothering skills ( or at least I know I do) Since kids dont come with operating instructions its hard to know what to do sometimes. There are days that I go to bed feeling like I stink at being a mommy, and I hate that feeling. I do the same you do and tell myself tomorrow will be better. Sometimes it is, sometimes it is not. There is nothing wrong with taking a break for yourself, & dont feel bad for doing so. For me taking a break from my kids sometimes makes me a better mom.

Tough question. O. thing I know for sure is happy mom=happy kids. Since you are already paying for child care 4 mornings per week (which is more than most SAHMs get) why not increase your work hours?

Sometimes the busier you are, the more efficient you are with the time you do have available, right?

Awww honey honey, I've been there. It's hard. But find peace within yourself knowing that it WILL get better. You WILL find your own personal balance of work, motherhood, and regaining YOURSELF. It's a long road, but I PROMISE you literally wake up one day and realize 'Wow, I've made it, I'm here, and this is where I'm supposed to be' :)

I could have written this! I quit my very good, stable job 4 yrs ago when I had my baby and it was soo hard at first. I was used to dressing up, being around lots of people, attention the whole 9. Then it was just us. I lost myself. My baby will start school next year and im terrified! What will I do with myself? I don't even know how to be alone anymore and im scared to go back to work! I don't have any advice but I will tell you you aren't alone! I miss the old me and I hope someday I get her back! I hope you do too! Your not a bad mom. Staying home is a million times harder because there is not lunch break, ten minute break and you never get to clock out! Your doing fine and you need to be yourself too.

I think you are totally normal. We mommies need to remember that while being a mom is our top priority we are human too. There are times we need times to ourselves without having to talk about Spongebob or whatever the hot topic for a little one is. I don't think you are bad at all for feeling like you have lost your identity. I had my son when I was 19 and I feel that I lost the chance to learn who I was b/c I had to rush into being everything he needed me to be. Don't feel guilty about that me time!! You NEED it!! We all need time to take a bubble bath w/out someone throwing toys in or whatever you do! My son goes to the after school program when I have class, but there are days when I send him despite class being cancelled. We all need time to ourselves. Don't feel guilty. That me time is helping you refresh and be a better mommy! Good luck!!! I think you are doing great!

If your husband works all the time than you have three jobs, your job outside the home, being a mommy(daycare is not helping with MOST parenting tasks) housework/shopping/laundry etc. and a three year old who just had a new baby added to the house is never an easy child! If you said you were not stressed I'd think you were crazy! Do not let anyone make you feel guilty or being NORMAL. Don't rush to work more hours it wont make you at home time any easier and it could make it harder as you try to squeeze in more chores. Read some books about raising a three year old, "Happiest Toddler on the Block" was my guru, How to talk to Kids, etc AND always find some ME time to make you a happier mommy. what do you do for yourself? read a novel? exercise? yoga? girls night out? It will make you a better mom.

I am sorry you are having a hard time. Your children are at difficult ages. I am sure it is hard to keep up with them and that probably contributes a bit to your feelings of wanting an escape.

A few suggestions:

Start exercising and eating well. Lots of water, fruits and veggies, protein, and go easy on the butter, dressings, sugar, refined flour. Try to get in at least 30 minutes exercise 5 days a week, if not more. I know it is hard with kids, but I promise it will make a HUGE difference. It has for me. I have gone through many bouts of depression (which it sounds a bit like you are possibly experiencing) and diet and exercise have often lifted me out of it. You need to boost your self esteem and this is a great way to do it. You can get a decent jogging stroller through classified ads if you do not have one already and take your kids jogging. Get some workout dvds through Netflix, or there is a decent selection at Target or through Amazon (message me if you want some suggestions).

I have 3 children and I find that going out and doing something away from the house several times a week helps a lot too. It keeps the kids occupied, gives me a bit of a social outlet, and gets us out in the sunshine. Facebook is a great tool for this- I will message my pals and ask if anyone wants to join us at the park, or swimming, or the childrens museum, etc. You might have luck finding a playgroup and make some mom pals through it.

Lastly, go easy on yourself. No need to feel so guilty. If you think this might be depression, talk to your doctor; sometimes antidepressants can make a world of difference. Good luck

My husband and I both work the equivalent of part-time out of the house (but probably both at least 45 hrs a weeks total, but many of those are at night when the kiddos are sleeping)--but we both teach so during the summer so we don't have to go to the office (we're both professors). A couple weeks ago my husband when to a writing retreat and I was home alone with the kids for 8-5. I thought I would lose my mind. I was almost in tears every night when my husband got home. It was horrible! I hated it. I've always known I wasn't cut out for SAHMdom. In fact, my husband really, really wanted a second baby, but I was on the fence--so I agreed that I would do it as long as I was never expected to be a SAHM (I was job-hunting at the time). I am such a great mom when I'm working--I get to spend time with adults and do things that are tangible (I'm almost done with an article...but am now screwing around...). When I'm home, we laugh, we play, we cook, we giggle. My son just told me that I was a very happy and silly mom. I was a basket case during my one week stent as a SAHM (and frankly, I have two really happy, easy children). If you're happy, your kids will be happy. Do what you need to feel happy and the rest will follow. My kids go to daycare M,W,F mornings and my husband and I alternate the rest of the times (I usually work T,TH mornings--he gets afternoons and we both work nights). I wouldn't have it any other way. Please don't feel guilty. I come from a long, long line of working moms--no one in my family (literally) has ever been a SAHM--and we're a long line of happy, productive women, with happy productive children.

I would read scream free parenting. It's more for you than the child. How to keep your cool. What do you do when you get frustrated? Do you step out and calm down? Just asking b/c you said you get frustrated and cry at night to be a better mom. It's okay to work and have them in daycare, don't beat yourself up. Not everyone can stay home with kids all the time. I mean, be careful not to spend most of the time away from them but it's okay to have a break and feel like you... not someone's mom or someone's wife. I would also read how to parent the strong-willed child. My 2 1/2 yr old would try a saint's patience too lol. That book helped me. Every week it tries you too, because you have to be consistent. If it's not you, it's not you. I'd rather you work and not be so frustrated then try to force yourself to be a SAHM and freak out on your kids (not saying you do of course :) ).

Is it just built up stress? I would think starting daycare 4 times a week and working 10 hours would relieve immediate stress. If it's built up stress go for a swim or go out with friends only. Then start taking your children to the park or on walks around the neighborhood. Does she nap? Wear her out and put her down for naps. Then she won't be grumpy during the day.