Feeling Guilty...family Drama

Guilt trips don't work when you rise above them.

You're a grown woman, with a family. You can't stop her guilt trips....and the only thing you can control is your reaction. So I only see three options:

1) Some strategy where you ignore it and let her meaningless words float off into the wind and you go happily about your day, or

2) You try to control her and what she says, get upset and feel guilty

3) You accede to her demands and do what she tells you to do.

Good luck! :)

"I'm sorry, MIL, but we won't be able to do this schedule. However, next year, if you would please do this the day before, we can spend the morning, the afternoon, and part of the evening with you, and everyone will be happy."

"No, I'm sorry, honey. We can't change our mind because we're committed already."

"No, I'm sorry."

"No, honey, I'm sorry. But we'll look forward to having Easter with you next year on Saturday."

No more answering the phone at this point.

That's what you do. The reason? She planned this on purpose to try to get her way by guilting you. And if you give in, you'll have this happen at all the holidays. It's like giving in to a child who begs for candy in the store when you've already said no. The begging never stops once you give in.

Sending you strength!
Dawn

Hello,
Ah yes, the family holidays are always a juggling act, aren't they? Definitely challenging at times to keep the family peace and make everyone feel like they're not being slighted.

I understand that your family lives 2 hours away, but it still must sting your husband's family that they are never afforded any family holidays -- on the actual holiday. I know you say that you try to get-together with them before or after the fact, but sometimes the actual day of the holiday is just more special, you know? I don't know why it seems that way, but it does, at least to me.

I personally would devise a new plan that does give your MIL an actual holiday or two per year. But maybe the majority still with your family, since you don't see them that often. I think that's fair, I really do.

Good luck whatever you decide!

I would just have your husband re explain to your MIL again, and have him add on that you guys usually spend the majority of your time with them, so try not to be so upset about it. Maybe you could have dinner with them this weekend before you go, so you can say that you DID spend some time with them this weekend. Then go, and forget about her complaints. Hope you have a good time.

Smile and nod -- then stick with your plan. Be empathetic -- and stick with your plan.

BTW -- the "favored daughter" is just that: a daughter. It's not right or fair, but I see it in my own family. My mom is much more inclined to consider the needs of my family and my sisters' families than she is my brothers' families. Don't know why it is (especially since I really think my youngest brother is her favorite), but it's true. She isn't mean about my sisters-in-law and doesn't dislike them or show any real overt favoritism -- but her daughters definitely get more consideration and sympathy. Could it be this way in your husband's family also?

Hang in there ...

I agree with LeeLee with one caveat. Do NOT let this holiday be the first one you spend the actual "day" with them. PLAN a holiday in the future. Perhaps when you are with your family this weekend you can discuss a future holiday that everyone would be amenable to having on an "off" day. ?

families are a juggling act as a previous poster said. but I am wondering if there is a reason you can't go the day before do the work, drive home and then go to the inlaws for a short time and then back to moms. yes its a lot of driving but I understand the mil's point about sometimes wanting the actual day. I am going through that with one of my sons girlfriends. her family always does the actual day. which means in the 4 years he has been with her it has been a battle for each and every holiday to get to see my son. :( not loving it. I wouldn't mind sharing the holidays, doing every other or whatever but it seems no matter what plans I try to make I have to work totally around hers. I can't say oh we will do it a week ahead becuase she wants to take our plans and get them approved by her family. I think once in a while her family could work around ours.

Your family gets first dibs on all holidays? If I were a MIL that schedule would piss me off too! Sorry, I just can't sugar coat that one. In my opinion you need to come up with a different plan. We alternated with our families. One year Christmas was with my parents and the other year his parents. We lived in different states so Easter was our holiday.

When you marry, you marry their family too and that family deserves as much consideration as your family does. You planned to have Easter with your family, great! Next year, Easter is with his family. Seems only fair. I'm surprised your husband ageed to this! Mine would have told me I was off my rocker!