my husband and i got in a heated arguement because he got mad over this- i asked my daughter to pick her toys up since my mil wanted to vacuum. she refused. i told her that she needs to pick them up or i will take them and put them in the trash (aka out in the garage). i gave her ten mins to start picking up her toys. ten mins passed and i told her that i was going to pick them up if she didnt come start now. she refused. i started picking up. she started screaming and woke my husband up. he comes out and starts screaming at me calling me nasty names infront of my daughter and his mom. he snatches the bag out of my hand and i said dont do that you need to back me im teaching her that theres a consequence to her not picking up her toys. i have been using this method for months and he would know this if he payed attention to what i tell him. any ways hes making me feel like nothing to him. his mom even said she doesnt know why we are still married. i and really leaning towards divorce leaving my husband with everything but my daughter full time since im the main caregiver. there is no person in this home that sides with me and my feelings. my husband has stated that he will not sign divroce papers and thats fine by me.
he degrades me and blames me for everything. most recently i have been blamed for his weight gain. i do not buy ice cream or sweets (aside from one thing of cookies from the bakery) when i do the grocery shopping. my husband buys all the sweets. he will get ice cream for use (we have our own 1/2 gallon). he will devour his in 3 days then eat mine because he says im not eating it fast enough.
im very hurt by him and want to get out of this relationship. i dont even want to be touched by him. i dont even sleep in our room since he told me i cant be in there. i sleep on the floor of my daughters room. please any helpful advice would be great.
thank you all for the advice. i am going to do my very best to get out of this relationship. in the sentence of me giving him everything i mean this (the car which he bought, our bedroom furniture, all the big things. what is my daughters goes with me and her because those are her things not mine and not his.) i will be looking into counciling for myself and maybe even my daughter if needed. i will also look into help sites.
In the United States of America, a man's refusal to sign divorce papers cannot prevent a divorce. Leave, and file for divorce. Good luck.
Wow! I'm soo sorry that you're going through this. First of all, have you talked to your husband about this? It sure sounds like a VERY UNHEALTHY marriage..it's unhealthy for all of you. I would suggest marriage counseling, but I'm guessing he'd laugh at that suggestion and duh..obviously would not go.
I would leave him...you're doing everything on your own already..it wouldn't make any difference..except that..your "roommate" is no longer there.
Stay strong...feel free to send me a message if you need to. Take care. Oh! Another thing...you ARE SOMETHING...PLEASE DO NOT THINK THAT YOU ARE "NOTHING." You are a woman, mom who is trying her best to do right for her daughter...please do not let any man or person make you feel or think any different of yourself.
firstof all, I think that threatening to throw out toys is harsh, unrealistic (because reality is you wont do it) and hard for a little kid to understand. Taking them away is somewhat understandable, but little kids are little kids and need LOTS of help, you need to help her, asking her to help YOU to clean up her mess. Thats all you should expect of a little girl. Really.
As for your husband and MIL situation, from reading a few of your posts, it seems like a bad situation. personally I'd either move out of MIL house, even if I had to live in a tent, or I'd take DD and leave both hubby and MIL. Im sure it drives you crazy to be there & it sounds like you all play a part in making each other miserable. It sounds unhealthy. get some counselling, talk to a friend, a crisis line or womens center, for the issues, and just to be validated for your feelings. Im sorry its so hard... :)
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Your marriage is JACKED UP because you live with his mother. Get a clue and get out!
Please find other resources and get out. I am very careful in saying this, but your husband sounds verbally abusive and like he has serious problems. This is not the relationship that you want to be the model for your daughter.
Your post sounded very extreme; perhaps there are transitional housing agencies in your area you might try.
This is not to make your bad day worse, however, please consider your part in the big picture of this. Throwing a child's toys away sounds very extreme to me. You might also look into finding less-reactive ways of helping your daughter to do what's asked of her, and helping her to feel safe within her relationships. Counseling and parenting classes will help to offer you support and help you feel more confident in all of your relationships.
For what it's worth, you can initiate divorce proceedings without his consent. In my county, I was able to file papers, have the sherrif deliver them to my ex, and to assign the burden of the cost to him (he owed me money from outstanding debts, and I knew he wasn't going to pay me, nor initiate the divorce), so that he owed the state the money, not myself. So going down to the courthouse and looking into your options is a good first place to start. Also get a decree of child support started immediately if you are leaving. Don't just let your husband tell you that he'll help out when he chooses to, or will buy you groceries, etc. That leaves him an out.
You are the only person who can fix your life at this point. Think very seriously about what you will gain by leaving or staying, and check out your options thoroughly. And when you tell him you're leaving, leave. If you threaten it and stay, he'll take that to be resignation on your part and an affirmation of his power and rightness.
I think what you did is very appropriate. Of course you aren't really throwing them out but she does need to learn there are consequences. If you are that unhappy and feel things are over then maybe it is time to make a move. You are the only one that can decide to do that. Have you thought about talking to a therapist sometimes saying things out loud makes them clearer. This can't be good for your daughter either. It sounds like you have a job and could make it on your own (seems like you are anyway). Be sure to have a plan before you go, have someplace to live, someone to watch your daughter so you can work and a way to get your things moved unless you are able to buy what you need. Make sure you have your important papers such as birth certificates and social security cards, marriage license, passport, your daughters medical records etc. I will send you a private message if you ever want to vent please email me, I can at least listen. Good Luck and I am really sorry this is happneing to you.
So sorry to hear that J.....
hugs...
Will your Husband... be willing to attend a community type "Anger support group?"
Maybe a better option, than a "therapist" and he might be less intimidated if it is a support group type of thing....? With other men?
It is so hard... to be the only one.... with no support in a family... and the feeling that everyone is against you with no sort of appreciation whatsoever....
Your husband, is 'wrong'.. ... and mean. Your child, should NOT see her Daddy... treating her Mommy that way... nor being called bad names. Your daughter will learn "bullying' behavior from that or even have behavioral problems because of it... children feel deeply... and they get stressed when their parents fight... and seeing her Daddy act that way... is so harmful.
But you know that....
I hope you have money saved up?
Close friends/family?
My friend, once.... left her husband with her kids, for a few months... stayed at her friends house. Because she had had it... with her Husband.
Only then... did he actually admit.... that he was being harmful. But that takes the ability.. of a man... to be able to self-reflect... and to stop 'blaming' the wife. Not all men... can do that.
AND to then, see a professional or join a support group... for their anger issues... and DYSfunctional.... behaviors.
all the best,
Susan
From the incident you described, I am sensing your husband is the one who feels like nothing so he takes his frustration and anger back out on you. He seems unhappy with his weight, annoyed you allowed your daughter to wake him up, and probably feel like you are overpowering him and acting like his mother (you said you were the "main caregiver") instead of his wife. In return he throws tantrum and hurts you.
If he says he is not signing divorce papers, it means that he is willing to continue in the marriage. I know this might seem unfair, but you actually need to treat him with kindness, love on him some more and have some sympathy.
Don't misunderstand, I am in no way saying what he did to you was not wrong, but if what you described is his normal behavior, sounds like he wants some good pumping of ego and intimacy to feel like a man again! (even if you KNOW he is not 100% up to par as a mate)
Do you live in his mother's house? How did she get involved with this? And does he have a night shift or something? Catch him when he's had enough sleep and tell him you have had enough of this. And seriously, you do not have to accept blame for his gaining weight anymore. Sounds like hubby just wants everything quiet. My first inclination was to agree with Misty B. however I think you still have a snag of emotion for this guy or you would have been out. And watch it if you do leave, they always get real sweet til they get you back in. And for goodness sake (sorry) stay the heck away from his mother. She is bad news. You need to start slow. Pick your battles, get yourself an income (if you leave you will need to have a back up plan, go to school and get something you can do) and then get out. Heck you have stayed this long, use your energy to develop your skills and talents and you can yell at everyone after you are running around making a lot of money.
J., you are a great mother and you are trying in give your daughter the best of life. From your post it sounds like she's seeing how her dad is and following his moves, can't have it his way, then yell and make a fuss, don't do anything... I think you should leave, do you have family or friends that you could live with, not for a short time either, for awhile until you can really get on your feet. This will force him to validate your feelings. As long as you continue to do the same things you will suffer the most. You both need counseling but don't focus on him, focus on you. Do you have a church family? I really think you should leave and tell him until he's ready to support you and make this a team effort than you aren't living with him anymore. You shouldn't sleep on the floor. Stop giving him control over everything, speak up to him.
My prayers are going out to you!
