Feel like a Failure with Preschool

By you definition, we are all failures! This is not a sprint, this is a marathon.
You are not a failure and he is not a failure. He's just three! I give my 6-7 year olds a heads up before transitions in Sunday school! You would do well to look at all the three year old's questions on this site! 6 months from now you will be the same lady you are now. 6 months from now he will be changed mentally and physically. This is just one of issues he has along the way. You are doing great!
I always had success in getting inside my boys thinking if I role played school. I am the student, he is the teacher. Have him walk through the day with you. Be watching for voice changes and expression changes. How is he seeing his teacher's behavior? Can you give him suggestions or encouragement? See what trips his trigger!
Good luck!

I'm a little concerned about the preschool.
They should be very familiar and well trained in dealing with this kind of thing. Though maybe they ARE finding his behavior outside of the norm, if that's the case please don't feel like a failure. Maybe he's still a little immature to be in a classroom environment, or, is it super structured? That may be hard for him. Also, is he like this at home? My (ADHD) daughter had a very hard time with transitions (school to home, leaving a playdate) but she was always cooperative and well behaved at school.
Keep working with the teachers and him, hopefully he just needs a little time :)

I don't think they are failing, they need him to wash his hands before the mean and if he doesn't he should not get to eat. This is a health issue. Being stubborn does not cut it in preschool.

You are not failing either. Preschools usually are taught by professional teachers who have been at this a long time and have a variety of past students who have all had issues with transitioning.

They called you to find out how you manage this issue. They can use the same phrases you use, the same time lines such as the 5 minute warning, all kinds of things that would be familiar to him so he can process that a change is coming up.

This is normal learning behavior on his part. He needs to learn to do this better. Seems like to me that they were trying to get on the same page as you so it would be easier on him. This is good in my opinion.

He will learn and grow, this is part of becoming more of a student and out of your own daily care. it is a struggle for him, the teachers, and for you.

No one is failing.

It sounds like he's in the terrible three stage. The questions I have are: how long has this teacher been teaching preschool? She should be able to handle him without coming to you for advice. I would seek out another preschool with more experienced teachers, if I were you. And, does he listen to you at home, or do you have to tell him over and over to do something, with him refusing, like he is doing at preschool? What are you doing to work on that problem?

You need to implement a plan of action with him at home to help him grow out of this. If you don't know how to do it, ask your pediatrician to recommend someone who can help you. You must be 100% consistent with the plan, or it will not work.

You aren't a failure for him being headstrong and stubborn. But it's your job to teach him that he must obey his parents and his teachers by setting realistic goals for his behavior and applying consequences when he doesn't behave.

You can do this. Don't throw up your hands. It is something that you will need to do for the next 15 years, Mom.

Sending you strength~
Dawn

He's completely normal. You are not a failure!

The reason he's in preschool is so that he can LEARN to go from one activity to another on someone else's schedule, so he can LEARN to function in a group, so he can LEARN routines. That way he'll be able to function in kindergarten and beyond. Just as we don't expect our kids to already know how to read before they go to school or to do math ahead of the first math class, we don't expect them to automatically know how to behave in preschool. The teacher - rightly - asked you for hints about what works at home. You did fine - a 2 minute warning and then a comment about how it's time to do the next thing and a comment about how EVERYONE is now lining up or going to the bathroom will help him transition, but it's not an overnight thing.

It's important to realize that your son is very skilled in some things, and not in others. Same with every kid in the class. Some are just more advanced in certain areas that are more "obvious" or more "desirable" in a class setting. Hopefully your teachers are very skilled at working with kids like this - I guarantee you it's not the first time they've seen it, nor will it be the last.

I would ask the teachers what verbal cues they use, what vocabulary, and then do some practice at home, as someone else suggested. Use the stuffed animals, PRAISE him when he does the right thing, and play "pretend" by using the teacher's name instead of "Mommy". Remind him that, if he follows the rules the first time he's asked, then he will get to do the next fun activity much more quickly. If he stalls about washing his hands or using the bathroom, then the time is spent waiting for him to do it rather than actually moving to the next segment.

Also look at how you normally handle his headstrong and stubborn ways - do you give in and let him do things in his own time, or do you work on transitioning by saying "As soon as you wash your hands, we can have snack" or "as soon as you do X then we can have fun at Y." He also needs to learn that it's not all about what HE wants - but remember that this is a learning process and he's being a completely normal child.

i"m so glad i continiued to scroll down to Gamma G's post because the rest that I read just about made my blood pressure boil.

Ok First The teacher called you and asked for advice-- little clue here, this isn't her first trip around the block, She Did that to NICELY and UNDENSIVELY inform you that there was a problem and that she was willing to work with you.

I highly doubt you or any of the responders would have liked it very much if she had told you in no uncertain terms what a stubborn defiant rule breaking little punk your kid was being. ( which he wasn't he was being a stubborn 3 yo new to the school enviroment)

So I think you owe that teacher a Big THANKYOU and you had better appreciate how kind she was being. ( not that you don't Mommy18 --but some of these other ladies on here were way way off imo)

Your suggestion was great, Take it a step further and go over the routine with him at home. Start making him wash his hands before dinner if you don't already. Instill in him that he has to listen to the teacher, she is there to help him and keep him and the class safe- just like a police man keeps us safe, the teacher keeps you safe by helping you to wash your hands so germs don't get in you and make you all sick and yucky. tell him how proud you are when he follows the rules.

I'm going to be honest with you and i'm not trying to kick you when you are down. Honestly, if you feel bad about what is happening I would take that as a sign that you are a good mom and you do want your kid to behave. The tone of your post though, made me feel like he is a difficult kid at home too and that have these same issues with him at home. The difference is there are probably at least 10 other kids in his class that have to suffer or at least wait for her to deal with him when these situations come up. It's bad enough one on one but when you have other kids involved its triple yucky. If i'm wrong then i'm sorry but the best thing you can do is be very firm and consisten with his behavior at home so he wouldn't even think to get away with this stuff at school or in public. That doesn't mean smacking him, it just means you don't say 10 times don't do that or you have to go to your room and then never ever make him go to his room.

Help her out, let her know what he loves so she can use that as incentive, If he loves dinosaurs maybe she can offer to let him use a special dino toy after he has his meal.

This could be an isolated incident and maybe he was tired from the night before or maybe he is sick. But if he is consistently a very difficult child you might want to see if the teacher thinks he needs to be evaluated, I did see quite a few people on here say their kids had undiagnosed ADD or Autism and where just considered bad, and getting approprite help can make the world of difference.

But it might be totally normal too, Make sure he gets lots of rest, and healthy food, and knows the rules and knows the consequences.

Professional preschool teachers ought to know that transitions can be very hard on a handful of kids his age. Your son is not so unusual. A lot of kids kind of linger in the background playing with toys before they really feel comfortable following instruction. Your son should feel safe and encouraged. I wonder how the teachers reacted to his refusal to cooperate. If the teachers are acting angry and authoritative with him, enough so that he was so upset he had an accident, that's a big concern. He is 3. I wouldn't want him to develop an anxiety and start dreading school over one tiny part of the preschool day. They should keep focusing on the positives with him, so he learns to love school. That is the point of preschool. It is not your failure, it is theirs. I know I'm less of a germphobe than most, but I think there is a bigger picture to keep in mind here than unwiped hands.

It isn't such a bad thing for them to ask for your suggestions, but I wouldn't go back and forth by email. I would go and talk to the teachers in person. Get a better sense of what happened. Really gage their attitude towards him. You aren't a failure. This is common. It's all part of the learning experience. Hopefully, you'll feel like you're on the same team with the teachers with the same goal making things better for your son.

Nobody is failing here! 3 is a tough age. Lots of kids -- boys esp. I think -- really have "terrible 3s" more than "terrible 2s." I think your suggestion to the teachers was great. You might also try role-playing "school" at home. Have all his stuffed animals, toy cars, whatever, be the students, and he's the teacher. Have him tell THEM, "Okay, time to wash your hands, we're doing an new activity now." Etc. If he can act out the transitions, but from a position of power and comfort, he might have an easier time handling them himself.

Well, if you are a failure, then so am I. My daughter has always been stubborn and has always had a hard time transitioning. What about trying a kitchen timer or a digital timer? They could tell him he has 10 minutes left before he has to stop an activity and show him how the timer counts down. Then they could give him a reminder at 5 minutes. When the timer goes off it's time to stop and do something else. I'm not sure if this would work for your son or not. When my daughter was younger she would start throwing a tantrum almost every time I got the timer because she knew her time was just about up. The only thing that really helped her was time. She just needed time to mature.

Also, my daughter started preschool shortly before she turned 3. She was potty trained and never had accidents at home (she was even dry through the night), but came home with a bag of wet undies 2-3 times per week after she started preschool. It wasn't too bad at first, but got worse over time and especially when she was moved into the 3 year old classroom. We had some issues with the teachers and eventually took her out of that preschool and put her into another one and she never had another accident again.

Are you sure your son's preschool and teachers are the right fit for him?

You're not a failure. It is pretty normal for kids that age to struggle with transition. I think your suggestion was wonderful. I have always done it with my kids.

My DD is 4 and has had a few accidents at school. Kids do that, even if they are trained. My DD's teacher is nonplussed. Usually it involves playing and not getting to the bathroom in time.

You're not a failure. That's what preschool is for - to learn how to do these things, work with a class, etc. I think the teacher is basically asking you, an expert on your own kid, if there's anything in your toolbox she can use.

We recently had a parent meeting and the 2s and 3s teacher said that they just now got over many of the kids crying every day (crying at drop off but not all day). It'll get better. My DD barely says bye now and she cried her first day. Just work with them, have reasonable expectations and know that they deal with kid issues every day, every year and I bet they've had this issue before.

After DD has a rough day, we talk. We re-read The Kissing Hand. We remind her to use the potty and be fast! Race that pee! Show me that my big girl doesn't need spare clothes. Maybe at home work on washing hands in a fun way (sing a song or something). It'll be OK.

It's their failure-not yours, not your little son's-they are the paid professionals-and they want helpful hints from you? Tell them to do their job-and do it well, you don't want to waste an entire school year with your son in the hands of a bunch of buffoons.

You aren't a failure.
Besides what you suggested, does the class have a regular routine. Does the teacher post the day's schedule with some picture cues where the kids can see where they are at any point in the day? Does she go through the day's routine at circle time? If not, those items would also help with transition.

Oh, goodness, this is nothing! You are not a failure. Believe me, my son was kicked out of preschool for behaviors far worse than you've mentioned (due to what we now know is ADHD). Talk about a kick in the gut as a parent!

I agree with the others in that the teachers should know what to do here in helping to ease transition time. This has nothing to do with your parenting ... your child is just a strong-willed three-year-old still adjusting to the way school works.

This is a whole new world, your child is 3, and I personally feel this may be normal. The extra time/priming should work out as well as giving it all time. If you are concerned or the teachers are it may not hurt to have an evaluation done to see if there are extra steps that can be taken to help out with these issues or to see if there is an underlying reason. You are not a failure - this is a new experience - work WITH the teachers and your son at home. I found out what things they were doing at school that I could also do at home to help with the start of school.

Yep, same thing happened to me at the beginning of this year. Our once potty trained son was having accidents all the time and major melt downs when he needed to be changed. I was doing everything I could think of to encourage and support and be positive, but I was crying every night!

The teachers asked me what works and home and what could they try there and could they talk to the daycare teachers to see what works there. I felt like a complete failure!

One think I did was really focus on good quality time with him outside of preschool and making sure he got lots of sleep. I adjusted my work hours a little bit so that he could sleep later in the morning (so I was up later catching up on things). We also put him in pullups.

It really seems to have worked, because his teachers keep telling me how much better he's doing!

Hang in there! Change is just so hard for them at this age. Keep loving him and make sure he really is eating well and getting enough sleep. These are the things that matter most at that age.