Favortism

Get a video camera, to tape "the family gatherings". It is funny what people see, when it is put in front of them! Good Luck!

Wait a minute! Where is it written that a grandmother can't play favorites? As long as your son is safe with her, quit comparing how the kids are treated. There are a lot of children who grow up without any cousins or grandparents nearby. Try not to look for the negative at every moment. Just enjoy being with your family and only step in if your son truly needs you.

As a mother, we know in our hearts that we can't play favorites, but your mother-in-law can do as she pleases. Don't worry about who gets the better gifts (that's not the lesson you want to teach your son anyway). It doesn't matter if your son gets less hugs from grandma, I'm sure he gets double from you. Soon you son will be old enough to get the negative vibe from you. He probably won't even notice the favoratism if it isn't pointed out by the adults.

Just relax, if you feel positively about how a situation will go, it will most often go that way.....and the same is true for the opposite. If you look for your son to be treated "unfairly", then I'm sure you will see that.

I would say let your mother-in-law and your husband be. You can't force someone to change their favoritism. If you see blatant meanness, just interject on your son's behalf, and move on. This is more hurtful to you than to your son, and isn't your son what this is all about?

UGH, I feel for you! But as you can read it's not fun being on EITHER side of the fence!

Right now there is only one grandkid, my stepdaughter. My MIL thinks the sun RISES AND SETS on her! The kid could do no wrong, and if I ever correct her in her presence then I'm the bad guy. I know when we ever have kids they will never be treated the way my stepdaughter is, and my MIL can get overbearing and act like she's HER daughter.

BUT, like everyone said you can't change the other person you can only change yourself. Kids are really smart and they'll say stuff. Like my stepdaughter and her step-uncle (my MIL's stepson) were playing (they are about 4 years apart) and they made a mess. Well the stepson got yelled at for making the mess and being the older one "in charge" and not cleaning up and my stepdaughter looked at my MIL and said "why are you yelling at him? I made the mess too!" and then my MIL said "well, you're younger and it's "stepson's" responsibility to make sure things are clean" and then she said "well I know how to clean too and I don't think you're being very nice!!!"

Just take a deep breath and do what YOU think is right for your son and ignore what's going on everywhere else. You can't change it, and you DON'T have to play their game!

I realized this analogy is true. If you play tug-of-war with someone you'll both keep pulling until you're tired, have sore hands and one of you may end up in the mud.

But, if you LET GO of the rope, you're left standing while they will fall on their butt with enough rope to hang themselves :)

Good luck!

I am so sorry to hear what is happening to you. I did have the same problem with my MIL because she favored her grandchildren who lived closer to them. I just told my husband that I was tired of it and we sat down and talked with my MIL and gave her several examples of things that had hurt us...and she took it to heart and tried to make changes. She didn't even realize she was doing it.

I have the same problem with my MIL and I have just learned to deal with it. Luckly my husband recognizes it, but he just says that is my mom and it will always be how she is. His mother played favorites with her four boys too, so my husband is used to it. My daughter is now old enough to see it and she actually does not like that grandmother very much. We have never pointed it out to her, she just notices it now when she is around her grandmother and cousin. I just let it go, because my kids get so much attention from my parents and their Aunts and Uncles. Unless your MIL is acting cruel to your son, I would just let it go. I know that it is annoying, but by pointing it out might make her behavior worse or she may be very fake with your son. He will pick up on that as he gets older. It is a fact of life, grandparents usually do play favorites unfortunately.

My mother-in-law has four grandchildren. My nephew 22, niece 16, and my daughters, 20 and 11. She has shown total favoritism toward my nephew for 22 years now. My advice to you is figure out how to get over it because I seriously doubt it is going to change. Over the years we (sons and daughters-in-law) pointed out to her how she made the girls feel second rate. But she once replied that she raised sons and likes boys better and knows what to do with boys so that was that. I decided then it wasn't worth my energy to be upset about it. It's her loss that the girls really don't care to do anything with her and that they laugh about how she treats her grandson compared with them. He laughs about it too. We all can see it and know it's happening. (One year he got a really neat robot for Christmas and the girls got hair ribbons and coloring books.)

At any rate, I don't think there is anything you can do about it. Welcome to the world of crazy families.

Hang in there! I just ended this with my in-laws!

Long story short there was A LOT more going on (inappropriateness) and when my husband FINALLY saw it he opened his eyes a lot more and I stopped feeling crazy.

All you other posters are right...it goes both ways and you should take a step back and try to be objective but..in my situation there was A LOT OF DYSFUNCTION and the mis-treatment of other family members was just a mild symptom. Every one told me I was 'too sensitive' and to 'let it go' and ya know what? If I would've done that it would've cost me my marriage and eventually my kids.

Yes, CONTINOUSLY monitor your child when with the favorites. Don't leave him unattended. Talk to him about rules and how to handle certain situations.

Yes, advocate for your child with out pointing the finger at the other...'let's play over here, with a different toy' etc. This will look like you are taking control and not blaming. Then let them get 'sick of you' monitoring your child, instead of them setting you up for a witch hunt.

Let your child figure it out..he will and then he will start to not want to go there like the others said. It's painful to watch them go through this, but better earlier then later.

And the other poster was right..they will hang themselves. If you just plant the seed in your husband ear and then wait for him to see it. He will be less defensive about MIL and more proactive. She will continue the behavior and it will be so obvious.

Quick note: My MIL has now lost 3/5 adult children and 6/10 grandchildren b/c everyone had enough. It was a long wait but it all unfolded on it's own!!

If your son is older, more is expected of him. Eight months is a huge gap for the two and under crowd. In time, things will even out, but at this young of an age, the age difference is much more pronounced. Hang in there!

My mom always told me "Stay away from people who do not like yor children". Do you have to go there? If your husband is "blind" no discussion will change that. He will always defend his mama. And you will always be wrong. Try not to have playdates together with the other kid. And most of all try to avoid any direct confrontation. Do not say "I do not want to visit because your mother not treating our son nicely" no, just come up with the goofy stuff like they do : "Oh, must we go today, I thought we can do 1,2,3 today.." or "I think, Jr.is not feeling well today" or some other stuff that will get you off the visiting hook without directly mentioning the REAL reason. Because the first responce will create a conflict between you and your husband and you will still get nowhere. I agree with the very first person who said that you are in for a long ride. Be your own and your child's advocate - save your marriage and treat your kid well. When MIL will be long gone you will have both guys all to yorself. Good luck!

First, you are NOT alone! Second, do what you feel is best for YOUR child. If that means saying he can't play with his cousin, then so be it. If your son was injured and bleeding, it should be clear who is the rough child. And if nobody sees it but you, then you do what is right.
I was not the fav. grandchild and it was so hard on me. But my mom kept us away from the offending situations as much as possible and I am so glad she did because even as an adult it was hard to take, but as a child it really shapes you and kids see soooo much. If you are busy and the cousins can't play until they are old enough to speak for themselves, that is not the end of the world. I guess I have come to the point where making the in-laws happy or my husband for that matter, comes second to my children's health and growth and that is emotional as well as physical. good luck!

Very simple. Remember that you are your child's advocate. He cannot speak up for himself, so you need to. Ask yourself, is my child getting hurt? If so, stand up for your child. If it is not as serious then I would redirect my child to another activity or make an excuse for leaving early. Keep in the back of your mind that this is family and you don't want to burn any bridges because you most likely will have to deal with them at some point during the course of a year. I feel for you and wish you the best.

I'm not defending your MIL, but is the other grandchild from her daughter? Sometimes grandmas are closer with their daughters and feel more comfortable with their daughters kids.

I also agree with a PP. As moms, we tend to think our kids are perfect. If this is not the case, then you may want to mention to your mIL how you feel. You can say it in a joking way "Geez, it seems that my baby can't win with you. It's almost like (cousin name) is perfect!"

Good luck!

I totally feel your pain... My mil had only 2 boys and my mother had 2 girls so when I joined the family I became the Favorite(this is what my husband and brother in law call me) but it was exciting for their mom to have a girl that she could do all of the girl things with and let me tell you I enjoyed every bit of it. Finally 4 years ago we had a son who was spoiled rotten by his Nana so I always thought he would be # 1 in her eyes. Boy was I wrong!! Last February we went on a family vacation to Florida and my bil brought his semi new girlfriend which was hard for me because I am protective of my son so I didnt want him getting attached to different girls. So too make a long story short they got pregnant and so did we 2 weeks apart (not on vacation) we told everyone first and we were all very excited and then they found out and our pregnancy got thrown out the door. Low and be hold we were pregnant with the first girl I always thought my in laws would be so excited for a girl because of them not having a girl and they told me they would be. Well my bil's baby was born really premature and so my in laws spent lots of time out of state with them. I was fine with that but then towards the end of my pregnancy my mil made a horrible comment about me being induced early so she could go be the the other baby when he came home from the hospital. I was shocked so being hormonal I told her I was fine with the idea of her not being with us when our baby was born and that my mother would there to help. That was a pretty good jab to her. Christmas this year came along and my bil came home and we got to see their baby for the first time which being a mother I love all babies so we were excited. Then every time we were around all she did was hold him and talk about how cute he was. Jealous Oh yeah my thoughts were you still have a beautiful little girl and awesome 4 yr old that is used to your direct attention. Finally after months of me talking to my husband about all of my feelings he realized at Christmas and made comments to his mom. Actually made her cry by saying that his brothers kid was the favorite. After crying she said he needed a little extra love because she doesnt see him as much. Whatever. We are going on vacation again this year and my husband and I have decided we will not play games with her we will do our own family stuff and let them be and when she asks why my husband will let her in on the favoritism. Know one has to play favorites in my mind we are all mothers and dont play favorites with our own kids so it should not be done with grandkids. Sorry this is so long but I wanted to let you know you are not alone. At some point she will have a break through and realize what she is doing. My grandma had 12 grandkids and she never treated any one differently. It can be done the right way. As for the presents I am trying to teach my kids that it is not about the presents it is about the love of their grandparents. Good luck and keep your chin up!!! Maybe when we are grandmas we will understand.

Try to get hubby's help again. Someone suggested video taping. Try that and point things out. Also, write down some detailed notes for examples. Have a time set aside for just you and him to talk. See if you get anywhere in trying to show him what is happening. If he gets it, then you two can be a united front in trying to change things. If not, I would still be an advocate for your child. I would have no problem saying something like "why did billy just get in trouble when bobby is the one who...". If the mil is that mean and domineering I would start limiting visits big time, and be totally honest about saying why when people ask. Someone has to stand up for your little guy.

Get ready for a long ride!!!!!! I've lived this nightmare. However, my husband was NOT the favorite and, yet, when my mother-in-law had to move out of her home, my husband took her in. Sorry, there really is NOTHING you can do. You are fighting city hall. And, to keep pointing it out to your husband is just going to cause conflict in your marriage. Eventually, your husband will see it. And, your son will change and grow. Trust me, when he BECOMES the favorite - that's not fun either. My daughter was remembered by my Mother-in-Law, until age 2 as "crying a lot!"... however, by the time she was 10 years old.... she could do no wrong!

It is terribly frustrating. You can only control what you can control. Your MIL will continue to have favorites. Just try not to point it out a lot - especially if your child never becomes the favorite. I have dealt with one of my children getting a small gift and the other one doesn't. I just explain that sometimes Grandma likes to surprise one child (I actually did have to mention something one time because she seemed to give my daughter a small token three times in a row, on visits. She actually didn't remember it and really did feel bad for the oversight and corrected it. I was happy to see that.) Amazingly, my husband's family (5 grown adult children!) became so irate and jealous when my MIL moved in with us for two years - rarely did anyone come to visit her. It was very sad. She truly grew to appreciate her son/my husband. Relationships will change. Be patient. He's young.... things will change. I promise.

Things may/may not change. There really is no way to tell. Since it is your MIL if you can get your husband to see it somehow it would be more helpful. It should be HIM who says something to his mother about it and not you since it is HIS mother. It may not happen though. My cousins were the clear favorite with my grandmother and my dad refused to say anything to his mother about it. My grandmother would watch my cousins for a weekend, but it was like pulling teeth to get her to watch us for 1 night. I will never forget the year my grandmother bought all the kids in my cousin's family a new sheet/comforter set "just because", but we never got anything. Of course we knew all about it because our cousins were just kids and right around the same age. The funny thing is as we grew older the cousins started to notice the diffrence too. Now most of us are grown. (my cousins are in college/high school and me and my brother are both married w/kids.) There are a few younger kids, but not many (there is 20 years between my parents oldest and youngest, I can't tell if much has changed or not. My grandmoter loves to see me now I think because of my kids, but I don't go out of my way for her. My brother lives 12 hours away from the family and my grandmother (now 90+) complains about him not even calling... so I guess in the end maybe she'll live to regret it, if it doesn't change.

Hey M.,
I'D SAY KEEP SAYING SOMETHING. HE IS YOUR CHILD. JUST DON'T DO IT IN FRONT OF THE KIDS. BRING IT UP TO YOUR HUSBAND AND THE MOTHER-IN-LAW TOGETHER. IT'S NOT THAT YOU'RE PICKING, BUT KIDS NOTICE THAT KIND OF STUFF AND IT EVENTUALLY CAUSE MORE PROBLEMS BETWEEN THEM. IT'S NOT WORTH GETTING YOURSELF ALL UPSET, SPEAK YOUR MIND AND STAND YOUR GROUND. MY FOUR CHILDREN ARE THE ONLY GRANDS AND THEY BARELY SEE THEIR GRANDPARENTS. MY BABIES PRACTICALLY BEG FOR THEIR ATTENTION. HOWEVER, MY SIBLING-IN-LAW HAS A BOYFRIEND WITH A SON AND MY MIL GOES OUT OF HER WAY TO DO FOR THIS KID AND EVEN BABYSITS. HECK THINKING ABOUT IT, THEY DIDN'T EVEN BUY MY KIDS ANYTHING FOR CHRISTMAS. SO AGAIN, I SAY SPEAK UP FOR YOUR BABY, IN-LAWS CAN BE A HANDFUL!!!!! GOOD LUCK

I am a fellow medical assistant and mom of two. I believe that you should sit and have a real discussion with your husband and mother in law about the way your son is being treated. Children know when they are not being treated equally and this treatment could potentially be damaging to your child's self esteem in the future. If your husband and his family are unwilling to change their behavior I believe that you should do what you deem is necessary. Remember, your child should come first before anything and everybody.

The same thing happens with my mother in Law & my husbands sisters kids. My son & daughter are always the ones who can't touch the b-day cake but the sister in laws kids can, with anyone saying a word especially the MIL. Ot if my son would fight back he was always the one who got yelled at from her, or here is the best one of all, if the sister in laws kids are not done eatin & my son is, he has to sit & wait at the table until they are done eating, where my nephew goofs around & will not eat, where my son who is now almost 12 sits & eats, and wants to go. My MIL makes him sit until the others are done. Well I put a stop to that really about 2 years ago, at a dinner, the MIL wanted him to sit & wait so the other would eat, when my son looked at me with the look of "jelp me" on his face, I said "ya know what it is not his problem that the others did not eat, he ate & he can go play" that was the end of that. Youreally have to be your childs advocate, that is your child no ones else willstick up for him if you don't. There are times when he has to figure things out for himslef, I believe, but when it come to someone hurting him, you must say something. Also just a FYI, my kids 14 & 11 1/2 have figured out what is going on, and they actually really donot like going to my MIL house, they would rather have gatherings at our home. They feel the unfairness, kids are not dumb they pick things up they realize who grandma loves more. For a parent it is heartbreaking I know I cant change her ways but I can take my children out of an uncomfortable situation.
Good Luck I hope it works out for you all!

I am not sure how much this will help.. because I am more on the other side. My son was my mil's first grandson (she only had boys) and they are extremely close. Now I have a daughter and my sister-in-law and brother-in law have a daughter 2 months younger than mine. It is a non stop battle that my mother in law faces. She gets cr_p for spending time w/ us and my kids and they attack her and say that she doesn't love theirs.. well... she does.. she has never shown any reasons when we are all together that she doesn't love her daughter. Yes.. she is much closer to my son.. maybe because he was the first and maybe because he is a boy and she is used to boys.. not sure on what to do w/ a girl.. understandable. But my mil has been confronted tons about it and there isn't much she can do if anything.. it is not fare to her to have to feel guilty or bad for spending time w/ us alone.. and vice versa. It hurts and we all have those jealousy feelings.. I sure do. But I can't blame my mil if it isn't her problem.. it is mine. Now that you are saying that she is extremely obvious and your husband doesn't see it.. well men don't want to see stuff that is wrong about their moms. My only advice is if you have a heart to heart w/ your mil and tell her how you feel. And if nothing changes.. well than you made an effort and just have to get over it. The best saying that has gotten me through my difficult in-law (sibling in-law.. not mil) is that it is "their loss." So just keep saying that to yourself and hope that you will just learn to accept it and appreciate all the love your child has w/ other friends and family relationships. I know it is easier said than done.. trust me.. I am dealing w/ it right now.. but it is true. I am sad that my daughter and my neice are so close in age.. but yet they don't want to have a thing to do w/ us (because they are jealous of my relationship that I have w/ my mil and fil) and it is sad for my daughter. But... as my best friend told me.. she has plenty of friends and other family that she won't be devastated when she isn't close to her cousin who lives in IL and near her age. My family all live out of state.. so they do have great cousins.. just not near by. Oh well... hope you can get through this and not let it bother you to much.... just appreciate the love that you can give your kids and who gives a sh_t what others feel about them. IT IS THEIR LOSS!!!!!!

This should be a decision between both you and your husband before visiting. Let your husband know what your wishes are in teaching your son about acceptable social behavior. Discuss what he considers acceptable and safe. Discuss whether you wish him (your husband) to participate in the correction and instruction when visiting his family.
Give him a choice if he wants to be responsible, it doesn't seem he gets that choice around his own Mother. He also might not take it so serious, since it's a visit, and will be happy to leave it in your hands.
Let your son know ahead of time, rough housing, when visiting with his cousin, is not allowed. If rough play begins, separate them. You are responsible for instructing and teaching YOUR son. If your request is not honored, leave!
If gifts received show favoritism, wait to open gifts at home. It might help, if you make it clear, to the relatives, that any correction of your son's behavior should be left up to you, as long as you are there.
Hope this helps.

I agree with a PP that you are probably reading too much into it, and even if it is true, it is not the end of the world. You said the two boys are 8 months apart and both under 2. So one of them is closer to 1. I'm guessing that's your nephew. Most people are going to be overprotective of a 1 year old. They should be. The fact is that really neither of them know how to "play" together and should only be playing with an adult. And I mean WITH an adult in the middle of them refereeing and playing with them, not "with" an adult sitting on the couch and watching. What you are describing..."he went for my sons cheek and scratched him right under the eye"....this isn't malicious behavior in a 1 or 2 year old...and it doesn't make any difference at this age "who started it". A normal reflex for anyone watching this is going to be to try to protect the younger, smaller child. This isn't favoritism, this is normal. I would stop comparing the children and how they are treated together and know that if you are going to grandma's house, grandma loves your boy too. Some children don't have a grandma so please be thankful and not judgmental. I would look at how grandma treats your son when he's not with his cousin and how grandma treats your husband rather than these isolated incidents of two babies "playing" together. I don't even want to get into the gifts..when you start comparing gifts I think it's an issue with you to be honest. Gifts come from the heart and it should never be a money thing. My daughter likes $5.00 my little ponies. I wouldn't want or expect grandma to get her 10 of them just because my nephew wants a $50.00 video game.