Farming

Seems like he has a farm... not a family.
And he has a substitute parent (ie: his Mom), helping you. But you are also a student.
And he is not doing anything, to help with his family, which HE helped create.

He seems to live in a hotel, and has his farm which he tends to.
He has his own life, which does not include being a participant, WITH his kids or Wife.
He gives himself time... to do everything that HE wants.
And he doesn't do what he doesn't want to do. ie: tend to his family.
He says, "well farming has to come first when it is time to get out in the fields..."
Well, geez, doesn't he realize, that a Wife and his kids, are THERE everyday, needing to come first??? And it is time to get in the family and DO THINGS TOO, for them. As a Dad. As a Husband.

Again, he seems to have a farm, not a family.

I bet if you were not around, would he even worry about that, or still just tend to his farm, as though he and his farm and his hobbies are the only thing that matter?

As you said, he gives himself TIME to do HIS things.
He can't even go to a Doctor appointment for his child.
And he ignores everyone/you/the children/the home.
Oh and he raises his voice.
Gee, what a nice unselfish responsible, man.

It really doesn't matter, what kind of work shift or stuff a man or wife does. Or how busy a Man is because he works and aw poor guy. IF they have a family and a home and kids... you MAKE TIME DO DO IT.
You just, do, it.
Wives, whether or not they work, they just do it. Too.
Once you have kids and a Spouse, life's needs, increases.
And.you.just.do.it.

I'm guessing your father didn't farm. I married a farmer too and my father didn't farm. We also have 3 kids. Its a big adjustment. You do have the right to voice your opinion. On the flip side, farming is our sole source of income, my husband doesn't work 3rd shift, so I am not trying to compare my life to yours. I'm just going to tell you how we adjust to it:
Dad isn't around much during planting, haying or harvesting season. In the to winter we have cows so he has that to tend to as well. It really ticks me off sometimes b/c I think that farming is more important than the family but after talking to him, he is farming FOR the family. He is trying to build us a nice life and that requires him to put in a lot of hours. I feel like a single parent some of the time. Yes, he was here to make the kids and isn't here all the time to help raise them. My kids get to spend as much time with Dad as possible. We also farm a ways from home as well...up to 45 minutes by car (2 hours by tractor) so it takes him a while to get to point a to point b. The kids ride with dad in the tractor, combine or semi to deliver grain. We make it a family thing. If he is close to home, send the kids with dad. That is how I got my oldest potty trained. I told him he couldn't go with Daddy until he could potty like a big boy b/c dad can't take a diaper bag (total lie but it worked). What I am saying is, maybe if you could make it a family affair, you would see how much work he's actually doing and maybe it is for your family. I'm not saying its right, just my take on it. They do make buddy seats on most tractors so he can totally help you with the kids.

Ok, here's the deal. If farming is part of the way your family earn income then it will come first during certain times of the year. That is the way farming is, the crops are not going to wait for him to come back from an eye doctors appointment. An appointment that, honestly, is not that big of a deal and no reason why you couldn't have taken the other kids.

My 7th has the same condition, I have been known to walk into a doctors/dentist with all 8 of my kids. You do what you have to do, putting that appointment off because your husband couldn't go is...I don't know...wrong? Sure it's something that could wait, it's not the end if of the world, but it was already scheduled and it's not like you don't know you have 3 kids.

3rd shift is beyond hard on the body. My husband has been doing that shift for over 12 years. It used to piss me off when he couldn't do things with us, or help with the kids. With age though has come wisdom, he has to work. He has to earn a living, is it really fair to hold that against him? No, it's not. My job is to be a SAHM, that means I am a chauffeur, computer technician, a teacher, a secretary and any other number of things. If I worked full time I am sure I would feel differently, but I don't so that is my job, and at the end of the day those things are my responsibility.

Sorry, I truly wish that I could be more supportive but I just can't...

I grew up with my 2 sisters on a dairy farm. Here was and is my dad's daily routine:

Wake up at 7am
Get dressed, eat breakfast, and be out of the house by 7:30am
Feed, milk, and clean up after the cows
Repair whatever is broken (The farm is 100 years old (And has always been in our family) so something is broken everyday)
If it's summer he also has to go out and plant/harvest crops
Eating lunch by 3pm is a miracle most days
Spend an hour in the house for lunch and a little bit of relaxation
Continue with the repairs
If it's summer continue with the planting/harvesting
Feed, milk, and clean up after the cows again
He is usually able to be done for the night and come in for dinner/bed at around midnight but if something goes wrong he can be out there until 3 or 4 in the morning!
After dinner he always tries to watch a little bit of TV to relax but ALWAYS falls asleep in his chair. Some night he wakes up and moves to his bed, but most nights he spends the entire night in his chair.

Since dairy farming is business where whatever money you earn goes right back into the farm, my mom had to work 2 jobs just to keep food on the table and clothes in our closet. When she was home, she didn't get any time to herself. There was always something that we were fighting over, homework that we needed help with, or housework that needed to be done. Time to work out? Ha! She didn't get that until we were old enough to be left home "alone" (Aka dad was in the barn).

So I'm sorry, I would love to be more supportive and I know that you only posted this to vent (Which we all deserve to do, no matter what the situation) but ya... You got it easy :)

It sounds like you need a weekend away. A weekend when his mother isn't available to come over and help him with the kids ;)

ETA
ok, mom2many, I totally get what you are saying. But remember 3 kids? Remember how hard it was adjusting to the 3rd kid? It literally feels like you can't even leave the house the first year. She gets to complain, and she gets to expect a certain amount of help that she is NOT getting from this guy. If he is yelling at her, he's outta line and only making this worse. He ignores her requests for time to herself. And who asks his mommy over for help with his own kids? Yeah, she needs to buck up a bit, but he needs to suck it up some, too.

Ditto SH. Yet, again.

Read The Proper Care and Feeding of a Husband by Dr. Laura Schlessinger, it will set you aright. Never forget that being a mom and wife has value, you are the soul of the home. Your job isn't easy. Your job is to be a great mom and wife. Your husband's job is to be a great father and husband. To do that he needs to provide. Sounds like he is doing his job as best he can. Thank him: have that helpful mom in law take the kids for a night, and get some sweet lingerie he'd love to either come home early for, go to bed early for, or "sleep in" late with. Good luck!

What does he grow?
Around here, the fields grow wheat, corn or soybeans.
The busiest times of the year are planting and harvesting.
Occasionally there's a crop duster that sprays the fields.
Farmer's wives need to have an independent streak in their backbone.
Get a Mommy's Helper or baby sitter so you can make Dr's appointments.
I don't know how old your kids are but some men just don't relate well to certain ages/stages of child rearing.
Depending on how old they are, the kids might really like going out to see the farm - have picnics there - and any machinery there is - what kid doesn't like looking at a tractor?
Get the kids involved with the farm and with 4-H once they are old enough and maybe Dad will warm up to them a bit.
OR he'll be upset his refuge away from home is no longer a kid free zone.
But I think it's worth a try.

This is life. Be thankful. Look for the silver lining.

I agree your husband should help out more and actively get in touch with his children. But he doesn't have to go to an appointment does he.

Sounds like maybe you two need to re-evaluate your life and relationship - at a time when things aren't so hetic. Make time and plan it.

Maybe too, you're feeling like life is passing you by, like you can't get a hold of who you are. You need to take some real time for yourself. Take a weekend and do something alone. Let the grandma stay with the kids. Life is too short to get all tied up in so many things that in time to come will seem so small. Your kids are only young once. Your husband needs to be your friend, your mate. And you two need to re-connect. But first take some time for you and let yourself just let everything else go.

Be Well