Family Won't DROP IT!

Life is short. I know people say that. I lost my step-father and father in a 3 month span...life is short. I lost a man that I loved dearly.....he was supposed to expand my world. Life is short. A year later, I lost a brother....4th of July will NEVER be the same..life is short. Please do what you have to do to rectify this situation...LIFE IS SHORT...you cannot get back these people when they go.....I'm not saying she is right..or that YOU are right...even if its just a settlemant...DO IT...life is short......you cant get it back.
Dont make the mistakes that I have made......when they are gone...they are gone.

Screw me once, shame on you. Screw me twice, shame on me.

Seriously, even if you patch it up, how can you trust her and her allies going forward? If I was in your situation, identify the individuals that you want to keep close to and let the others backstab eachother.

sounds like you have really tried. it's time to move on and just see your family that you want to see. i pray for your brothers saftey. god bless, R.

Short list the people who are and have stood up for you, and who believe you.

Those are most likely those you love best, and who are most important to you. CALL them, and thank them. No other purpose than just to thank them for being your rocks, and guidance, and sanity. Let them know how much you appreciate their love and their friendship.

Enjoy your life. She can try and cause you as much pain as she wants, but if you're happy... she fails. She's trying to hurt you through others, DO stick up for yourself, but there is no reason -as you said- to loop everyone into a big drama circle. Just, as things come up, set people straight. No need to put on a happy face if you're *actually* happy.

I've had something similar in my own extended family (I ignore many of them... I have enough fools to suffer). I just sort of pretended they didn't exist and went about my life with the members of my family I DO care deeply for and who care for me. The above, is *exactly* what I did for 3 years. Finally, one thanksgiving, my dad lost it on the backbiters. He threw his napkin down, stood up, read them all the riot act that he was NOT going to sit here and listen to people attack his daughter, and marched out with my mother. My sibs and cousins clapped and got up and left also, and the other side of the fam erupted into yelling and screaming while the "fence sitters" gaped. It became super apparent that thanksgiving (which was the 3rd I didn't attend, because the loonies would be there) who the loonies really were. I head this story from no fewer than 15 people. My mom and sibs and cousins.

<grinning> From that thanksgiving onward there has been peace. Not that it affects me at all. Because from the time my aunt started being looney, I crossed her off my "worry about" list. But for my parents and sibs it's been a huge relief not to hear me trashed every which way at every family gathering.

I should add... I DO go to family gatherings. But I only go to ones that are hosted by the people who have proven to not be batpoop crazy. Thanksgiving used to always be hosted by my Aunt, so I never went after she began her descent into "Let's attack R.!" phase. By only going to those hosted by my loved ones... if anything drama-like occured I'd give the host big hugs, thank them for the lovely etc., so forth, and so on... express my wishes to get in touch later that day or tomorrow about getting together... and either head home or back to the hotel.

I've been told I'm "chicken", "running away", etc. My response is that "I would never be so rude as to ruin the hosts party by fighting or being snarky in their living room while I am a guest in their home."

I don't know WHY but when I am involved with a selfish drama queen, she is always able to make me look bad. I am so proud of your brother. He sounds awesome. Are you going home for Christmas? Will brother be there? If so, stick with him. I am so sorry she is like this.

I know she is your cousin and was your BFF, but really...what kind of person produces a list of hostage demands upon "patching" things up? The fact that your mom, her mom and your siblings "stick up" for you is a big indicator that they know "how she is" and know the deal.
I think this is a case of "be careful what you wish for" for sure.
And given your desire to avoid conflict and drama--I think that yes, when you do visit, you should just put on a happy face and know that your immediate family knows you best and see the situation for what it is.

Updated

I know she is your cousin and was your BFF, but really...what kind of person produces a list of hostage demands upon "patching" things up? The fact that your mom, her mom and your siblings "stick up" for you is a big indicator that they know "how she is" and know the deal.
I think this is a case of "be careful what you wish for" for sure.
And given your desire to avoid conflict and drama--I think that yes, when you do visit, you should just put on a happy face and know that your immediate family knows you best and see the situation for what it is.

Oh my goodness! YOU CANNOT PLAY INTO THIS!!! It is out of control and the more you try to do ANYTHING the worse it will always get. Just drop it, put on a happy face and let it be. As hard as that sounds it is the fastest way to deflate this.

If you really want to call it out differently, then the next time you are in town, get them all together, and put them all on the spot, including your cousin. Ask them straight out why everyone is bashing you when it is an issue between you and your cousin. People tend to drop back when they realize you are on to them.

I can honestly say that although it might make you feel better to call them all out you will have the best result if you just drop it. This girl is not your friend and frankly it is shocking this is the first time in 22 years that it has come to this. Get out! Live your life and enjoy new BFFs that can enhance your life. Your family will drop it when the drama dies down and it will go back to a non-issue and probably drive your cousin crazy because she is so caddy.

Good luck!

If there are a few relatives you care about having a relationship with, talk to them privately. Otherwise I would not bring it up at a large family gathering. I would say something if a relative were saying something untrue in front of me but if you hate confrontation that is up to you. Three cheers for your brother though.

I guess I'd say it depends on what your goal is,,,,

Is your goal to be 'right', to 'win'?

Or is your goal to have peace and a working relationship with your family?

You already know what you'll need to do to achieve either one of these goals.

It's just a question of which is more important to you.

You already know you cannot control the behaviors or opinions of others. You already know you can only control your own behavior and opinions.

You say you dislike drama and confrontation and yet you continue to allow it to happen to you.

It's YOUR choice to make.

:)

Tough situation but just remember ONE thing. The truth always prevails and karma is a bi-ch! She is using your family as fuel to the fight because she knows you are one knotch above her own little game. Unfortunately, your poor family are the sheep being led into the fire without the proper knowledge. At this point there is nothing you can do or say to change opinions of your family. It sucks that its family because family is supposed to have your back but because the fight involved a family member sides are being placed. Just sit back and watch the fire girl-you will see her burn herself up and then you can tell everyone "Well I hate to say it but I told you so". Good luck and sounds like you made the right choice-she sounds toxic to have in your life in the first place. You probably wanted to give her another chance because she is "blood" sometimes even our own blood can be toxic and we need to limit that contact if at all. Best of luck to you!

She is being ridiculous and thank goodness for your brother who has sense enough to know that there are always at least two sides to a story.
I don't know....I usually tend to think the one doing the most blabbing is the one with the most need to convince people of something while the quiet one is the one that doesn't have a "side" to make up or defend.

I'm like you....I can't stand drama, and hopefully you can see your family without any problems.
It sounds like time for your cousin to grow up and for your family to say they don't want to hear any more about it after a year.

I wish you the best.

.

I would draft a letter - not to the whole family, but to a few whom you care about most and connect with the most, with a SHORT version of why there was a split, a BRIEF description of your efforts to rectify and then a REQUEST that the matter be left between you and your cousin. That you appreciate if discussions aren't had behind your back - you love your family and appreciate their love and respect in return. Tell them the rift saddens you and you'd like to think that you can have a relationship with your family. Don't slam your cousin or be super negative - leave it to a few facts. You will be the mature one and hopefully will regain a relationship with some of them.

It is a tough situation, if you are a praying person, just pray for her to see how the drama and trash talking are so bad for everyone. If the people who truly know you, realize that what she is saying is so out of character for you, they may not believe her. My favorite saying is "There are two sides to everything, and you should not judge until you hear both sides from the people involved" I think when I would go home for a visit I would not bring it up unless someone else does. As far as mending the friendship, I would just let it go for now and if she approaches you with her demands for friendship, tell her that as much as you miss the friendship that you used to have you cannot agree to the demands that she is wanting you. You can also tell her that you still care about what happens to her but you cannot be part of this drama. As far as your Grandmother, I would talk to her and let her know that she is only getting half of the story and if she would like to hear your side then you will tell her. If she still sides with her then maybe she likes the drama. God Bless!

She sounds VERY immature and viscious as you say. You can either let it go and KNOW that it will all work itself out or you can write ONE letter that states that you have been MORE THAN mature about this and wish that everyone could let it go. You and your cousin have had a disagreement which you have apologized for. You wish everyone would stop talking about you behind your back b/c you have chosen not to do so. State the obvious and make copies and send it to every family member involved. In the end of the letter state that you will no longer be a part of this drama and hope that family can get past it. Otherwise, let it go, I had a fight with my sister and mom 3 yrs ago and I tried the mature way like you are and it didn't work. I just backed out and stay away. it is really hard but it gets easier, life gets less stressful without the drama.

Why would you want to have a friendship with someone who trash talks you behind your back? and to family members??? I would never trust that girl again or tell her any of my business. I have a sister that has sent me horrible emails after tiny little things I've said that a sister should be able to say to another but she is so insecure and feels defensive over little jokes. She said she would never apologize for everything she wrote to me(since she was too chicken to actually say it to my face). I will always remember those hurtful things she wrote and never ever trust her again with any personal info because she will fire at me again and use that info to hurt me. I still talk to her and she does this to other family members and they always make up right away. She would send the emails to her MIL expressing her hatred feelings about things she said or did and I was appalled! How can people feel good about themselves doing this stuff? My family sits and talks about everyone without even thinking twice. I come on these boards to talk to people that don't know me so I can say what I want and not get ridiculed about it. She is selfish and disrespectful and that is her. I don't like it or think it should be over looked because that's how she is. I just don't trust her or tell her anything private or anything that could hurt someone else's feelings once she repeated it. Go make new friends and stop wasting time feeling frustrated over this girl. Accept that she has changed and you are still the same person you've always been.