Family Problems with Your Parenting

Does he only act like that at Grandma's? My daughter can tell there are mixed messages at my mother and my grandmother's houses. I have had to tell them I make the rules and they need to support me.

Most three year olds are just at the age where they throw tantrums. When my three year old gets out of control, we have her "blow her candle out" When I first introduced it, I asked her to blow my candle out (my index finger) when she blew on it, I quickly put it down like it was being blown out. Then I had her do it. The farther away their "candle" is the harder they have to blow so their concentrating on their finger and not their fit anymore. When he is calm, just talk to him about what happened and that part of growing up means when you make bad choices you have to have a time to think about a better way to handle what happened. And remind him that he is only there for three minutes and when three minutes are over, he will get a chance to get up and talk to you about what happened again. This has lessened my daughter's fits incredibly. Setting a time might help him or there's a time out chair you can buy that has a timer built into it.
Oh, and with his grandparents, I say don't bring him over anymore. If they want to know why, be brave and tell them exactly why. You have enough stress raising a three year old, you don't need her comments bringing you down. He may be feeling the stress and conflict between the grandparents and his parents.
Good luck!

Have you tried positive reinforcement? Whenever my daughter is doing something I don't like, I offer some sort of reward when she doesn't do it and slowly wean her off it until the problem is fixed. You could even just put a stamp on his hand for not throwing a fit at Grandma and Grandpas house when you get home. The other thing is you could sit down with him at home, cut out constructin paper, staple it together, and togeher make a book of the appropriate way to behave at the grandparents, out in public, wherever. On each page draw a little picture with stick people or whatever, you really don't need to be a good artist-- it's the words that matter the most. You could even cut out pictures from a magazine to glue on the page. Anyway, make a book of how you want him to act, and read it before you go to their home. Have him take it him with him and show it to the grandparents. I bet he will be proud of it. He will want to show them he can act that way. If he starts getting out of hand while you are there, stop what you are doing and gently take him aside and sit and read the book with him. Help him get through his feelings and hopefully the book will remind him how to act. I have made a 'social' book like this for my daughter to not scratch people when she gets mad. We titled it "How to be nice even when I'm mad." She loves it and is so proud of it and only scratched once after we made it. It has now been over a month and I think she is through that stage. You can make many of these books for all different kinds of situations. Good luck!!!

I am experiencing the same thing with my 2 1/2 year old son. He doesn't like to be around certain people either, not just his Grandparents.I agree with some of the others, he senses your tension. I am taking a parenting class because I am starting to feel like I don't know what I am doing!I have realized that when I calm down and let him be himself we are both happier.Maybe that is the answer, relax and let them be themself.

My first question is this just happening at the grandparents? If it is there may be something uder the surface you are missing. I have noticed with my daughter when she is in an unhappy situation she act outs. When she is in a happy situation she is great. This is not she did something wrong and has to go to time out. This is an on going thing like a bad daycare she will act out at home and everywhere else.

Even if the grandparents feel that way they really have no right to tell you those awful things about your parenting skills. It sounds to me like your child knows how to manipulate and that you and your husband have a breaking point and he is trying to push it. Maybe it was too late in the evening to have an outing. If he was frustrated with the situation and saw no end it could have been his way, not an acceptable way mind you, but his way of letting you know that he was done with the situation. I really feel like sometime older parents (especially some grandparents) forget that they ever had unruly children. I'm really sorry that they would say to you that "he is the most rude, disrespectful, hateful child that they have seen and that his father and I have no idea how to be good parents or to raise a child they would be proud of." He might not be the best behaved child, I don't know you or him, but grandparents should have had enough time to learn patience. They've had longer than you and your husband and yet you and your husband seem to be handling the situation better than they. And if your parents are bold enough to tell you those nasty things about your parenting your child probably picks up on that negative attitude that they have about him as well. What I've learned in my meager 6 years of parenting is that children will find that perfect time to misbehave and they can always sense when that time is as well. Good luck!!!

This will be hard to do, but it works if you are sincere. Also, it helps if the grandparents are not the type who hold grudges. At a time when you are both not angry, and preferably when your son is not present, talk to them honestly about how you want to raise your son. Tell them what you have tried, talk about how he behaves with other people, and ask for their feedback. And then just listen, even though it will probably hurt your feelings. Remember to not get angry, remind yourself that they love your son and want the best for him. (Also remember you don't have to take their advice, and you don't need to tell them which of their words you will use and which you will ignore.) There may be some good ideas in their advice- and a positive will be that they will feel like you are trying and will want to help you. Then thank them for their help.

Don't forget that they said those things about your parenting and your son at a time of high emotions. They might not have meant it at all, or they might have only meant a little bit of it. I do think it would be productive to tell them that it upset you- do it in a way that doesn't place blame. (Say something like, "When you said those things they really hurt my feelings." You might even add that their opinion is important to you.)

After you are both able to talk nicely (I might even wait until another date to have this discussion), you bring up the fact to them that you and your husband are the parents, and you are the ones who get to decide how to raise your son. If you have come up with a plan for dealing with your son, tell them what it is and ask them to do the same. This can be said nicely- start with how much you love/like them, how important they are to your whole family, etc and then tell them how you want them to treat your son. Frame it like you are asking for their help, as opposed to telling them what to do.

If you don't have a plan for his behavior, then you leave the door wide open for them to push their way in and try to deal with your son.

Good luck! This is a tough situation, with a lot of emotion, but it isn't impossible.

Don't go to the grandparents house. Look, why would a kid want to be around someone who thinks they're "the most rude, disrespectful, hateful child that they have ever seen?" Whether they said that in front of him or not, kids know how people feel about them.

It sounds like your relationship with the grandparents is not good, and that's probably the real issue. Are you stressed when you go over there? Who wouldn't be if they knew they were going to be judged for their parenting (and only you know what else they're judging you about.)

Finally, if the grandparents wonder why you're not coming over, tell them. "It's called boundaries, and it's not OK for you to talk about my son and my parenting." It's one thing if someone is talking to you out of love with the intent to help you, encourage you, support you, but it's quite another when their intent is to tear you down and is out of anger.

OK, so that's my couch psychology for the day, hope it helps!
S.

Hi J., I'm sorry you're dealing with parenting issues and relationship issues with your grandparents.

First, let's address the grandparents. I don't know your history or relationship with them, so you'll need to ask yourself a few questions. Is what they are saying valid and true? It's a hard question, but leave emotion out of this and just try to assess if they are speaking truth (regardless of their approach). Have they successfully reared children of whom they can be proud? If they haven't, then they aren't the people you want to go to for assistance in child-rearing. If they have, then perhaps they have some very valid points to make. Again, try to leave emotion and judgment out of the equation and just try to hear what they are saying. Our society no longer respects elders, but we have quite a bit we could learn from them. In the meantime, I would limit the amount of interaction with them in their home. Invite them to your home or other neutral spot. I have to tell you that if a child came to my home and was hitting, kicking, screaming, and then throwing chairs - my first inclination would be to think that this child is a rude, disrespectful child that is in need of parenting (especially if this is on-going), and that I would want that child out of my home NOW.

Okay, let's take a look at the discipline issue. You first said that your DS gets mad. Okay. That's normal. Everyone gets mad. What's NOT normal is the hitting, kicking, and throwing things. (And I vehemently disagree with a couple of responses below that say it is normal! A very limited number of tantrums - yes; hitting and kicking Mom ONCE - yes; ongoing hitting and kicking - NO!!!) So, what have you done to teach your child how to deal with anger? You sent him to time out. Why? How did that teach your child to deal with anger? (I'm not judging here - just trying to get you to ask yourself WHY you utilize a parenting technique). How would removing toys teach him to deal with anger and frustration? How would spanking teach him? What is your ultimate goal? Your goal is to teach him how to deal with anger and frustration in a positive way.

Another question to ask yourself is WHY was he angry at the grandparents house? What is triggering his anger? If the anger is an on-going problem, I think it would be time for evaluation by a professional (yes, even at age 3 - you may have a medical reason for anger that seems to be set off by nothing - allergies, autism, etc.)

A couple of discipline websites that I like are: www.goybparenting.com (Get off Your Butt / Effective Practical Parenting) and www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com (Raising Godly Tomatoes). I'm not affiliated with either, they're just my personal favorites and ones that I've utilized from time to time with my 3 children.

Best wishes to you and your son!

is he only like this at the grandparents house? maybe he's bored. maybe he wants attention because he's so bored. maybe put on a movie for him or bring along toys. maybe he doesn't like it there. ask him why he does it or how he feels. i don't know, hope this helps

Does he only do this at the grandparent's house? I know that when I was a kid, I was my Grandmother's first grandchild, and she was not nice to me, she wasn't ready to be a grandparent. She told me all the time how spoiled and "rotten" I was. It didn't make for a very good relationship with us, and no matter what I did, and really I never did anything very bad, it was wrong. I felt her scrutiny as a child and it upset me. Is it possible that your son feels this animosity from them, and acts out because he doesn't know a better way to express himself, or he possibly doesn't understand what he's feeling? My grandmother, as it turns out desn't like most children and I'm constantly having to tell her to stop being overbearing, and nasty with my daughter. I'm sure it doesn't help you either that they tell you how bad you are at parenting. I'm sure it creates tension, and believe it or not kids pick up on it and it sets them off. Fron your story I really don't think the problem is your son, plus he's a kid, kids aren't perfect.

I don't know if he behaves this way often or if it is just primarily when he is around his grandparents... if it's mostly around them then maybe the problem isn't as much with him but whith them. Obviously there are some things that need to be dealt with in regards to his behavior, but maybe the source of the problem starts with them and the way they treat him. Kids aren't stupid, they are acutely aware when someone doesn't like them, doesn't have patience with them, or treats the child as though they are ashamed or burderened by them.
Just in general regard to his beahvior... kids are also aware when they are trying your patience and one of their main purposes in early life is to test limits. If they can tell that you are getting to your wits end then they know its only a little bit more of a push until they get a new reaction. The key with punishment is consistency; what you are comfortable with is up to you but pick one thing: time-out, loss of priveleges, spanking... and stick with it. Its not about whether it works the first time its about the fact that they see that no matter what their behavior, no matter what extreme they push, you will deal with it calmly and consistently. Don't let him know that he gets to you, and remember he isn't being vindictive or hateful (although it seems and feels like it) he is learning and so are you. When he is violent, use physical restraint in conjunction with the consistent punishment... you are only capable of this for so many years of their life and then they get too big, show him you're serious while you can. That doesn't mean be violent back or deal with him in anger, just restrain... a bear-hug from behind usually works best, if he's a kicker bear-hug him in the fetal position. I like time-out best, then if you need to you can bear-hug him in the corner with you, and when he at least pretends to be calm and takes his time-out, if he starts again when you let him go just do the same thing again... it may take 20x in row and you may sit in time-out with him all night, but eventually he will realize that you aren't going to let him get to you and you are going to consistently, relentlessly, punish him in the same way until he behaves.
The key thing is to stay CALM and CONSISTENT.
Good luck, it is much, much, much easier said than done.

J.:

The comment, "no idea how to be good parents or to raise a child they would be proud of", is a mean and disrespectful thing to say. I am sure that you and your husband are doing your very best, to raise your son. Comments like that, are not helpful. Having said that, how does your son act at home? at daycare? Have there been any recent changes in the home, or in your parents home? Has he always acted out in this manner? Is he usually an angry or spirited child? Before giving you a direct answer, I would need to know the answers to these questions. Feel free to email me directly

A. L

I believe in discipline & respecting others is very important. Time out was not working at my house so i went to soap in the mouth when they sassed me or any other authority- then it goes to hot sauce if that doesn't work but the soap usually works well. I think the grandparents are right & deserve respect so i don't really think they are out of line- especially if your son was at their house. Good luck.

The grandparents in your case need to keep their opinions to themselves and stay out of your parenting responsibilities. I remember when I was a kid and my parents would say, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say it at all!" I am in a Mom's group,at my church, and we just finished a book called Boundaries w/ Kids. The authors are Dr.Henry Cloud and Dr.Townsend and this book is wonderful there is even a verison for adults. Also a book called A strong willed child, infancy through adolesence, by Dr.James Dobson. Stay strong and remember they don't hand you a set of instructions at the hospital. God Bless You!

I am currently having the same issue with my 4 year old. I was in tears a few weeks ago. From what I've read, its a developmental stage and doesn't mean you have a bad kid! The key is consistent reinforcement and NO reasoning with him. You give and instruction and he follows, if not, a consequence. No debate, no explaination, nothing.

We also tried every punishment in the book and it didn't work. I sat down with him last week and we made a list together of all the things he should be doing right (eating quietly, taking a nap without a tantrum, brushing his teeth, listening to his babysitter, etc.) He helped me name all the things. Then we made a chart for each day of the week and he gets stickers when he does something right. I've seen a huge improvement. He's still not perfect and we have good and bad days, but it seems like he is really proud to get stickers. I think having him help me make the chart made him want to get the stickers more.

Just a thought....

Hi I have to tell you my kids did not like being at one of the grandparents house when they were little one always cried and the other would be there for a short while and go and stand by the back door till we left. So your son may be getting a bad feeling being there and it is just to much for him to be there and has no other way of telling you he wants to go home.
Another thought all four year olds are selfish they believe the world revolves around them and if you are talking and not giving him all your attention he is going to do whatever he can to get all the attention. I would not back down stay strong and be in control the more you lose it the more your son wins. I use to hold my son on my lap until he would calm down and then and only then would I let him go He would just get over whelmed and that was the only thing that helped.
Make sure your son is getting enough sleep I would try even putting him to bed a half hour earlier he may just be over tired. As you see it could be alot of things causing this another thought is allergies, allergies can cause a child to be crabby and misbehave. Start by changing one thing at a time
And just ignore your family They just don't remember what it was like when their children were small your child is a pretty normal four year old and he will someday be a great adult believe me he won't act this way when he is 25.

Is this an isolated situation? From what you write, it sounds like it. Had he verbalized as to why he doesn't like to go to his grandparents home? No toys, no attention, etc?
The other side of it is that kids may pick up on their feelings and if they "say" he is being bad, maybe he wants to prove them right.
I would invite the grandparents over to your home or a neutral territory to see how he acts. Maybe an environment where he feels more comfortable and see how it goes.
Good luck.

I know how you feel. My situation with my mom is a little different. With my mom I will tell my son to do something and my mom will kinda go behind my back and tell him something else. My problem with my in laws or at least my fiancee's mom is she barely sees my son and when she does she tries to tell me how to raise him. It is very annoying. As for your situation my son is only 3 and he acts very bad sometimes. I have done the timeouts,standing in the corner, put him in his room and even spanking and like you he doesn't listen. Sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn't I guess it depends on his mood for that day. As for what to do I'm not even sure but the grandparents have no business telling you and your husband that you are bad parents. We are not perfect and sometimes our kids aren't either. Don't let them get to you. When my son gets especially carried away I try to explain why what he is doing is wrong and do it in a calm voice and explain to him that his actions make me very sad or angry depending on what it is. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't so just don't get too frustrated.