"Family Problems"

Hey T..

My name is T. and I am a mother of twin 11 month olds. I want to say that i understand where you are coming from when you say that you don't want to fight in front of your kids. They are not stupid and can pick up on anything negative that comes out of your mouths. It is definitely not a healthy thing to do.
I would suggest that you and your husband maybe talk to someone. When my hubbie and I began really arguing and things became tense, we went to a councelor. The councelor would say things to my husband that I had been saying all along, and since it came from a neutral party, my husband would say," Yeah, I can see what you mean."
Good luck. You have your hands full. I def. can relate to that. If you need someone to talk to email "Private" any time.
T.

hi T. MY NAME IS N. AND I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND BECASUE I AM GOING THREW THIS TOO! I AM ALSO 31 YRS OLD AND HAVE THREE CHILDREN MINE ARE YOUNGER 4 YR OLD GIRL, 7 YR. OLD BOY AND 9 YR.OLD BOY MY 7 YR OLD IS ADHD WITH MAJOR ATTITUDE AND IS VERY ATTACHED TO DADDY. WE FIGHT ALOT HE HAS CHEATED ON ME 1 TIME BUT SINCE THEN ALOT OF THINGS HAVE CHANGED BUT AS YOU CAN SEE MINE IS A LITTLE DIFFERENT BUT NOT BY MUCH. I LIVE IN BLACKWOOD I HOPE YOU ARE CLOSE MAYBE WE CAN TOGETHER TRY TO HELP EACH OTHER OUT. PLEASE EMAIL ME AND WE CAN TALK MORE IN PRIVATE. HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU SOOOOOON! N. F

i am sorry to break it to you but he probably wont stop saying it and the reason is probably because it is about time for him to move out. those threats will probably become reality soon enough. if you want to stop the break up that i think is bound to happen try counseling. but i really dont think anything you say will stop the threats infront of your son. i hope i am wrong for your childrens sake though... good luck

Since your son is older, i would talk to him that if he hears you and daddy arguing that you want him to leave the room and go play in his room. I think he'd be ok with that since he doesn't want to hear you fighting either.

I make my husband go outside.

Hi T. R. Let me first say that I am sorry that you lost your mother. I'm sure it must be difficult.

On the subject of your husband. I won't pretend to know what your problems or arguments are about. However, my only suggestion for you is to pray. I know it may sound cheesy to you, but you should seek the Lord. He will give you comfort and will help through your trials. In the meantime, you shouldn't respond to any comments or participate in the argument when your sons are present. It might be hard, but if he's not willing to hold off on the arguing until you're both alone, then it's up to you to take action and make sure it doesn't continue. I hope this helped.

Hi T.,
Have you considered going to counseling? If you think that your marriage is salvageable then I would seriously consider it.
Try to explain to him that no matter how he feels about you he is doing damage to your children by being abusive to you in front of them.

Good Luck!

Hi he has to relize that he is hurting your son. And since you already told him if he doesn't do anythimg about it then its up to you to know that may be you guys need to think and talk about som things
Fay from pemberton my email is ____@____.com if you want to chat

Dear T.:

Children take things that their parents say much more to heart than we realize. Also, your husband is likely caught up in the conflict of the moment and probably does not realize that what he is saying is very hurtful to your child. Children need to know that their home is a safe haven and, when a parent threatens to leave, this disrupts the child's sense of well-being. My advice regarding the fighting is to refuse to fight with him until you are alone, if you have to fight. Don't buy into the verbal conflict. Say "This is not an appropriate time for us to discuss this matter. We'll talk about it later."

You seem like a very busy person. Does your husband also work? If so, part of your problem may be that he feels ignored or that you don't have time for him. From experience, I know that this is an issue for some men. Also, the fact that you work three jobs may also have some bearing on his feelings about being able to provide for his family and thus reflect on his self-image. I am not laying blame on you for the conflicts -- just trying to let you see the situation possibly from his point of view.

As hard as it is to do, you are probably going to have to rethink your scheduling to include some "together" time for the two of you. Maybe you could trade some kid-sitting time with a friend, or arrange for your kids to sleep over at friends' houses so the two of you could have a date. Men apparently need to know they're appreciated. Mine had this really big thing a few years ago that "he wasn't appreciated and nobody thanked him for the things he did and everyone just took him for granted." I had no idea that this was how he felt, and so made an effort to thank him, compliment him and make some time for us to be together by ourselves. It made a big difference in our relationship, and thus for the whole family. I know it is hard to do, but someone has to be the adult and, if it makes a difference, it's worth it.

Regarding your kids, they need to be reassured that you both love them and that, no matter what happens, you will both always be there for them. You could tell them that sometimes adults argue and say things they don't mean. I believe it's also important to let them know that they did not cause the conflict and that it is a thing that you and their dad have to work out together.

Hope this helps some. Please accept my deepest sympathy on the loss of your Mom.

E.

You can stop fighting back. I know it's hard sometimes but if you are always on your best behavior he will find it difficult to continue fighting with you. This will take some time but if he finds that he cannot bait you into an argument, he will stop trying. Also, by you acting like an adult and doing the right thing you are showing your children the proper way to act. Ignore it, walk away, continue to be nice and calm..whatever it takes to show your children the proper way to deal with life's problems. He can't fight with you if you aren't fighting back....it becomes him yelling at you and the kids will see which is the better way to do things. Once he calms down you can try to talk to him rationally. If he is yelling at you it's best not to respond unless you have to....if it seems to be making things worse...and then if you must, keep your responses calm and don't attack him back. It's not going to help the situation. You will just be giving him exactly what he wants..a fight.

I think we are having the same problem. I just go in another room because I don't want to fight with him in front of my kids. Where do u own a candy store.

The worst thing a child can hear is their parents fighting and threatening to leave their home. I imagine he feels it's his fault. Please reassure him none of this fighting is his fault. BOTH of you should do that. Even if it ends up that his parents live in 2 separate homes none of your children should ever feel they had anything to do with this. Remember to make them feel loved and wanted and appreciated and NOT THE CAUSE OF PARENTAL PROBLEMS!

My husband and I had to conscientiously make an effort not to fight in front of our son. We have decided to call time outs to call attention it is in front of him and them we continue it later....unfortunately it sounds like you are dealing with more than just the arguing. He really needs to show you respect. Please seek out some of the many resources out there to help this situation. What he is doing is abusive and should never be tolerated - not in front of your son or even alone. I know it can be very scary to deal with it, but looking back, I guarantee you won't regret it. I would be happy to help in anything you need so feel free to email me. Remember, if he is treating you like that, he is teaching your children how to treat you and how to treat their future spouses or significant others.