So my brother, his wife, and their 11 year old daughter have just moved back into the area. I've helped them look for jobs, keeping their cats in my basement til they get a place(they are staying with my mother for the time being), had their daughter to sleep over several times, and taken her to the pool and am always inviting her and her mother to come along with whatever we're doing.
During the summer, my daughter spends most of her days hulled up in my office watching movies or playing on the internet. I can't afford camp and my mother works. I just found out today that my mother (who apparently had the day off today and my sister took all of the grandkids to the pool and guess who's still sitting in my office, that's right...my daughter. I'm feeling
to. I know if I say something I will be treated like an oversensative idiot and most likely feel worse than I already do that they completely left my daughter out, and this isn't the first time they've done this. Tell me I'm being unreasonable, tell me I'm right....just tell me something...your thoughts?
Just to be clear this is my sister's kids and my brother's daughter. My mom has four grandchildren, but took three of the four to the pool.
*I should also mention that I am a single mom and my daughter is 12
After not talking for two days, I finally went over to my moms and talked to her about it. Apparently she was very angry about my text requesting that she let my daughter tag along next time they go to the pool. She was very upset that I would even think that she would intentionally exclude my daughter. I think we have everything worked out.
Ask why??? I would and it would bother me also. I just do not understand why she would be left out. Sorry.
I'm sorry to hear this - and I know exactly how you feel. My mom is great with my daughter (9) and my niece (3), but not so much with my boys (7 and 5). I hate it. My mom does things with my niece all the time, and she does with my daughter too when she can - since my kids are all in school full-time now.
I think you are justified in being hurt and I think your assumption of their reaction will be correct. You just have to find a way to not let it bother you and do things with your daughter to make up for it.
Can you take some leave and do things with her on your own?
You wouldn't believe the reaction I got when I didn't invite my family to my son's 1st grade program - even though I know I would have gotten the run around as to why no one could come.
I don't think oversensitivity has anything to do with it. Of course your relatives should include your daughter, and maybe there is a simple explanation for their overlooking her.
I think you just need to be straightforward. Call up your mother, or your brother or sister, whomever is the relevant person, right now, and ask them if they can pick up your daughter to bring her to the pool. You're right, she shouldn't be sitting there in your office when you have to work and family members are free to transport kids to pools.
Don't get your feelings hurt, just take care of business. This is time for you to learn to sweetly speak up.
Ask your Mom directly. "Is there a reason I'm not aware of that my DD was left out of the pool outing with all of the other grandkids?" Ask her to be honest with you. It may as simple as she planned it with one family, and the other family found out and asked to tag along. Maybe one of the other kids is having a hard time with your DD, and has confided this to Grandma. Maybe Grandma has seen a dynamic of the grandkids not getting along, and figures it would be too stressful. Maybe Grandma assumes your DD is too old to want to go to the pool with Grandma and the other kids. Maybe the last time Grandma took your DD out she seemed disinterested or unappreciative. Not sure if your DD has a cell phone, but I know I've lectured my 12 year old on not continually texting when her Grandparent have invited her to do something fun. It may be for none of those reasons, but just ask your Mom. And remind her that your DD has to spend much of the summer entertaining herself and you know she would love to be included the next time.
Next time you talk to your mother, I would mention it in a way that's not accusatory or angry. Just ask if your daughter can go next time, that she would really love to go swimming with everyone. It's possible they just didn't think about it at the time. I say give them the benefit of the doubt until you have reason to suspect that they were purposely leaving her out. Sometimes family can be so insensitive without meaning to be that way. :(
Yes, you may be oversensitive here.
Maybe this was an outing planned a while back and was always intended to be grandma and mom time with just your sister's kids. Think of it this way: If you planned something for just you, your mom and just your own daughter and your sister insisted, "You need to invite my kids too!" wouldn't you be sore about it? So assume that this was their time with grandma. Assume the best, not the worst.
I'd go to grandma and just calmly say, "Hey, I heard you and Sis and the kids went to the pool -- I understand if it was your grandma time with them, but on your next day off, how about if we plan something special for just you and my daughter? She really would like some time with just you, and she needs so much to get out this summer." Get a date on the calendar; find an activity to make it easier on grandma; plan it and set it. Smile and don't dredge up "She should have been invited!"
If there is a constant drumbeat of fun stuff her cousins do to which she is never, ever asked, then you might have some standing to talk nicely to your sister about including your child sometimes (but not all the time). If it's this one time you don't. You mention that YOU invite THEM to things but they don't always say yes -- they don't always have to say yes, and they don't always have to invite your child either. If they invite her some of the time, that's enough, isn't it? I would not expect sister and cousins to invite my child to everything or even most things they do; I'd assume they are asking the kids' friends instead of their cousin to some outings.
Some folks expect family to do everything together and others figure family is always around so they don't need to be doing everything together. If you and your sister are on different pages about that it is OK -- neither of you has to be wrong or right.
Maybe you need to arrange some play dates for your daughter with her friends from school, activities, etc. If you work, other moms will understand that and will probably be OK with picking up your child and bringing her home (I'm an at-home mom and work around my working friends' schedules to arrange daytime play dates.) And there are low-cost or no-cost sports and other activities, even evening activities if you need to be at the activity with her and you have to work daytimes. She really needs more than the internet and movies all summer long, and if you can't afford camps, have you tried your local county or city recreation center for low-cost or no-cost programs? School systems often offer programs over the summer too. So do churches and other places of worship (and if there is a fee they often will waive it for families who cannot afford it). Just some thoughts on getting her out without waiting for sister and grandma to take the initiative.
There is a lot of VBS (Vacation Bible School) going on right now. You dont have to be that one particular religion, but they are FREE! I have dealt with this my whole 13 years of marriage because three of my children are not biologically his. I dont think its intentional now that they are older, but habitual. I totally feel for you. I KNOW how frustrating it can be. Dont let your daughter see your emotions on this or she will learn to harbor those feelings as well. Good news, not that it fixes the issue, but good news is, school is almost ready to start.
I totally would not burden them with any form of guilt trip especially in the style of "our feelings were hurt". Dynamics change when more people are involved. Once in a while I want my kids to have special time with grandma and grandpa and no cousins or their more docile cousins anyways. It makes for a more peaceful time. They have a right to do things with just them and grams from time to time.
I have had to set up boundaries with my sister and our parents not to invite her son for everything because he dominates my parents attention (being the local grandkid, he feels pretty entitled to all thing grandma and grandpa, including all the toys, and all their attention ((and i'm not going to lie, because neither his parents, nor my parents ever tell him no, he is a very difficult child to be around))). I love him and my sister, and they love to be invited when we visit, and we love it too, but I have to reserve some activities for just my family so my kids can bond with their grandparents.
It may have been a last minute or impromptu trip and adding one more element could have made the plans undoable.
I think the best way to get your point across would be something more like: "next time you go swimming, call us, Sally would love to go swimming with her cousins".
Then depending on your relationship with your mother, you may want to ask her in a no guilt tripping manner why this happened. Is it possible that your daughter has a personality that puts everyone on edge?
i just spent the weekend with my nephews, one is 12, one 7 and one 5. my kids are 9 and 7. the little ones all played well together but the 12 yo was visibly bored the whole time. i was just thinking today that if we do a weekend like this next year, i would hope the oldest could stay with a friend his own age instead.
could it just be an age difference?
not to be mean, i obviously have never met you or your dd, but sometimes when i see questions like this, i wonder if it's because the one left out has behaviors that annoy the other people. doesn't mean they shouldn't just deal with it if it's a grandkid, but sometimes i wonder.
Maybe this is the wake up to just put your distance between you and them and not have any expectations.
I'd call and say,
Our feelings are a little hurt, why didn't you ask my daughter to go to the pool? We feel a little left out. Can she tag along next time?
It's honest, straight forward and should avoid another incident of being left out.
Hmm, my take on this was a little different from others.
Not every event needs to be (or even should be) all inclusive when multiple members of family all live fairly close together. And who knows, the whole thing might have been totally spontaneous.
Was it inconsiderate, since your daughter was cooped up all day? Yes. Was it malicious, done purposely to exclude your daughter? I doubt it.
I wouldn't make a huge deal out of it, but you might say that it would have been nice for your daughter to get a fun day out too so that they might think of her if it happens again.
Can you call them and possibly ask if you can come with your daughter so that she can swim and play too? Just tell them that she is bored and would love to get out and play too.
And if you have work maybe you can either take a break or they might be able to watch her for a few hours?
It's hard when kids are excluded, and no your not being unreasonable here, but it's possible they just didn't think to ask. Some people are like that.
Awwww I'm so sorry to hear that.
Do you have any sense of why they might be doing this? Is it an issue with you, her, themselves, or what?
I don't think you're unreasonable for feeling hurt. Your feelings are your feelings. But I'd want to know more about the situation.
<<hugs>> It really hurts when you feel your child is being excluded by his/her own family.
You sound like a generous person that thinks of others. They do not. That is the answer to your 'why'. For some, it is innate to include others, for some it is a burden. I bet it didn't even dawn on them to call and include your daughter. I am sorry your daughter wasn't included :(
You are right, why state the obvious? It's ashamed they are leaving your child out. My mother brags so much about her great grandchildren it has become unbearable because while she's telling me everything wonderful about my sister's family, she's telling me everything that is wrong with me and my son. I haven't had much contact with them since last Thanksgiving and you know what? I don't miss their company and I don't think my son does either.
I'm sorry they left your daughter out, my feelings would have been hurt too :(
If you feel you can't talk to them about it then I suppose there's not much you can do. You have tried to reach out and for whatever reason they seem to pull back.
I know you feel like your family *should* include your daughter in things but clearly that isn't happening, and I don't see how you could force it. So if you can't afford to send her to any classes or camps then at least let her have a friend over during the day. She will have someone to hang out with while you work, and it will be a lot more fun for her than sitting in front of the TV. My daughter just turned 13 (yours is 12, right?) and she and her friends are great at entertaining themselves, listening to music, doing their hair/nails, drawing, making goofy videos, playing games (board and video) baking cookies, etc. The nice thing is they are old enough to feed themselves and clean up, and they don't need to be monitored every minute, so it's really no work for you, and it costs nothing!
I also drop my daughter at our pool for a few hours a few times a week which is nice. Do you have a public pool that she could go to sometime, and meet up with friends there? That was one of my favorite things to do at that age :)
Not saying good or bad perhaps there is a personality conflict between your mom or sister and your daughter. Not everyone gets along with all members of the family no matter how hard you try.
Try to talk to mom privately at some point and express your feelings about daughter being left out. Remember this is all you can do as we are only responsible for our own actions.
I wish your family thought of others better but this is the case with many families.
The other S.
PS It hurts to be the one that is left behind but then again you learn how to deal with rejection early on and can deal better in life. Been there done that and have a few t-shirts for proof.
Can you call on their cell phones and ask if your daughter can come? Not so much to make that actually happen but to bring the topic up and then maybe you can find out why this has happened. If you call and say "hey, can I bring Suzy over? She's stuck watching movies AGAIN today bc I have to work." Then see what they say... If it's too late, fine but then you can say "do you think next time you could call me so I can bring her too?" Make them say yes or no. If it's yes, then maybe this won't happen again. If no, then they have to explain. If it's yes but they don't really do it, then you can say "I thought you said you would let me know next time you all go do something so Suzy can come. Did I misunderstand?" Get them talking about it. Only thing you can do and then you're not really complaining. But Im' sorry. That sucks. Treat you and your daughter to something like an ice cream cone later on...
Been there and done that. While you may feel how you feel and your feelings are valid and yes it sucks they would choose to intentionally or unintentionally leave your daughter out they are still under no obligation to take her anywhere.
Should you say something? Sure. Sally R. hit that nail on the head but don't make a big deal out of it.
I was a single parent for my son's first 15 years of life. My mom would often refuse to help me out especially when I needed her the most. Oh well her choice and my kid is my responsibility anyway. That why I learned to depend on my village. My village consisted of friends and a loving church family.
You didn't mention how old your daughter is not that it matters. I know there are some places that offer the day camp experience at a discount or sliding scale or on scholarship. These things are never advertised but if you never look into it you would miss out on the opportunities available.
