Family Changes

No need to be so harsh, Lynn - there's always someone in the world who's got things harder than you do, but that doesn't mean that your problems aren't problems, and it surely doesn't mean that it's inappropriate to share them and seek advice.

D., I wish I had good advice. All I can suggest is more communication with him - maybe try to convey better how hard it is on you and your daughter to have him work this shift, and find out if it's really just that he likes it, or whether he's got something else going on that you two haven't talked through. I wish you the best.

Graveyard shifts can be really hard on people. If you can't talk your husband out of working graveyard I don't know what can be done. If he is just working it because he "likes to", not because he HAS to, and you and your child are not happy with it that is showing an extreme disregard for his family.

I'm not trying to put oil on the fire here but maybe some of the other mothers can tell you what to do with such a self-centered guy.

Hi D.,

I know it can be hard to take on mother, wife, homemaker and student, especially when you feel like you are doing it all alone! But as you said, you only have one more year of school left and if you can get through this next year things will change again. I commend you for taking on your master’s degree with a toddler! You have to just keep focusing on the future and what you and your husband are both working toward. That being said you and your husband need to sit down and talk about your goals and make sure that you both are seeing the same “big picture”. Talk about him being willing to change shifts in a year once you are working in your new career and bringing home enough money for him to go back to day shift. If you find he is unwilling now, don’t push too hard, it is a year away, but remind him from time-to-time that you miss him and he is missed by the family. I only see a problem with this if he is working the graveyard shift in order to get away from the family. Also if the reason for the nightshift is not for a larger paycheck, then his priorities need to be reevaluated. Supporting his family needs to come first and be more important than his night life activity preference!!

For now, and until then, you need to be the strong one for your daughter and let her know you miss daddy too, but that daddy is working for her and has to be gone at night so that mommy can finish her classes and that daddy misses her too. Make sure on his days off and during the two hours a day they do spend time together that it is quality time. Make sure too that your husband and you have time to “connect” at least once a month. Even if it is just a planned movie night with popcorn and ice cream sundaes for the two of you after the little one is in bed. See if he can call you around the time you go to bed to say goodnight and when he is on his way home to put your mind at ease and help you sleep.

Just keep remembering that it is only temporary, and don’t loose sight of the big dreams ahead.

Hi.
Don't the graveyard shifts usually pay better? I know that's why my friend's mother was a night nurse. She had 2 kids to support. Anyway, perhaps if money is tight, then that is why he is inclined to keep the night shift. You say you go to school full-time and work part-time. That's a lot on top of having a daughter to raise. My suggestion is to go to school part-time and work more hours. That will give him some more breathing room and might clear the way for him to take a better shift. Trust me, I'm all for getting an education, but when you have a family to support, you have to make the tough choices.

I would definitely ask him to keep looking for a better job with more pay and better hours. Every man wants to support his family, but be careful not to nag him. That will just make him shut down. If he says he likes the job/shift he's in try making a pros/cons list with him about it. Find out what it is he likes and write down all the ways its hurting the family. Maybe if he sees the "con" side being so much longer he will be willing to look some more. Remember men are ego, build him up and he will give you what you want.