Family Celebrations

Sad thing that Pappy puts his own hang ups above the right thing to do with regard to his grandson.
I wouldn't lie for him. Ever.

Here's the thing...his relationships are his and yours are yours. If he refuses to go to an event for his grandchild because of an attendee, but you want to go, then you go and let him explain himself to them. I would tell him he doesn't have to go, but he has to understand that you will still go. I would tell your stepson that he has to talk to his father about it if he wants answers. They are all adults here and can speak to each other, vs through you. He's 80, so he has earned the right to say, "I don't want to go."

There are people in my family I'd rather avoid than deal with. I bet you have people you don't like, either. I go to events when I absolutely have to and avoid the person I don't like, but it takes a lot out of me. I fully admit that I haven't been to a "my side" Thanksgiving in about 8 years because I can't stand the host. But I went to Easter for years even though I didn't get along with my sister, for my mom's sake.

If it's just that he doesn't like the grandchild's aunt, perhaps he can make his own arrangements with the parents to see the child at a time that suits them better. My ILs don't like crowds and often we go visit them so they can wish DD a happy birthday without the madness.

I just wouldn't get in the middle. If you want to go, go. If not, then don't. Tell them to talk to each other and focus on the birthday kid.

AV has it right. You are in charge of you. Don't lie for him. If he doesn't want to be seen as a curmudgeon that he can be at 80, then that's his problem and HE will have to lie to people, not you.

He does have the right not to go. Whether that's right or wrong.

You have the right not be the go between or do something that's against your moral code.

Tell Grandson, "I'm sorry, but Granddad won't be there. He has a difficult time being around Aunt So-and-so. I'll be stopping by, though." That's it - no other explaining or justifying or "it's so embarrassing" is needed. If someone asks for more, say, "I don't know why." Leave it at that. All adults are fully aware that people are sometimes irrational and territorial.

Then, attend the party yourself, even if it's just to put in an appearance for a few minutes. The important thing is that the honoree, the grandson, feel that he is important. Whether or not everyone else is comfortable comes in second.

You'll only be in the middle if you keep trying to explain each person to the others, or try to "fix" things. Just do what you feel is best, with a big smile and few excuses.

In the oh-so-true words from "The Lion King" - "There's one in every family, Sire. Two in mine, actually." ;) We've all been there.

I am responding a child who, although my parents would sometimes be in the same room, I didn't have a single picture of me with the two of them until my graduation. They had split before I was born. My mom's parents were split well before I was born and would NEVER attend things if the other would be there. My mom's sister wouldn't attend things if my mom was there (and vice versa)...she also took turns avoiding other family members including all her brothers, her mother, and her father (at different times). At various times she wouldn't allow family members to see her kids (not from a protection point of view) but would then come visit me while I was at my dad's. My point being...I have completely odd/irrational family dynamics too.

I always invited everyone and allowed them to make the choice to come or not. I did hurt my feelings a bit that they couldn't put aside there past differences to attend things for me and/or my kids...even when they did not have to interact with one another. However, I chose to view it as their loss and certainly not my fault. Hopefully the grandson will as well (he shouldn't have to...your husband should put him first above the most likely petty fued).

I would suggest for you to attend. If asked where Grandpa is, say "Oh, he couldn't make it today so he stayed home". If questioned further do NOT lie for him...say something like "that's a question to ask him on another occasion but I am thrilled to share this day with you".

He's a grown man and while you may not understand the rationale for his stance, it's his stance to take (and explain if necessary). As his wife, maybe you should delve into that a bit so you understand it. Maybe even explain that you wish he'd reconsider so he's not missing out on his family's special occasions (not fair to him or the guests of honor)...but this discussion should be about this specific occasion just in general.

Good luck!

I'm sorry, A.. I'm confused.

First you say that your husband is adamant about attending family functions with his ex-wife's children present...now you are talking about his grandson's graduation party and he won't go if his ex-wife's adult children are there...

You are in Reston - eh? Where???

It's a party. There will be others there other than his former sister in law. Tell him he doesn't have to interact with her. It's NOT about HIM. It's about his grandson.

I'd probably go if I was close to this family member and leave the hubby at home. That way it at least shows you have a relationship with them.

Can you go by yourself and represent the rest of the family?

If his ex-wife had these children with another man while they were still married, I could understand his not wanting to be around them. Otherwise, what's his problem? He needs to put on his big boy panties and act like a grownup.

I would not make excuses for him. If he's not grown up enough at 80 to put aside his personal feelings to attend such a grand family event, then let him sit home. I would not go out of my way to hurt your SS by saying that his dad isn't coming because of the half sister. I would simply say he won't be attending and if your SS asks YOU why, just say he'll have to ask his father.

ish. he's missing out, but it's his choice. of course you shouldn't tell his son anything pejorative as your suggestion above, but it's perfectly possible to say with a smile, 'he couldn't make it today. but i'm thrilled to be here, and SO proud of you.'
you can be honest without getting into trash-talking or drama or overly-candid 'sharing.'
i'm glad i've got my 3 octogenarian parents and in-laws, but they can be delicate and prickly to deal with!
khairete
S.

Stay out of it. You don't know the dynamics. Send a gift but stay home!

Right or wrong, he's old enough to make his own decisions. Good luck.

What a grizzled old fart. I wouldn't make up any lie to cover this type of behavior. I would just say he didn't come and keep it moving-no need for explinations if anyone asks-they will understand perfectly