Family & Exhaustion

If you ever need help just give me a call if I am not working I can help out the best I can. I have trouble with just Nathan sometimes.

J., did you get my message? My computer when wacko when I hit send I don't want to write again if you already got it! H.

Hi, wow, you have your hands full! God Bless you girl! Can you give me some of your husbands symtoms of his bipolar and ADHD? I have a close friend who I think has this same problem, but I am not sure. He does not think he has these conditions, but I am sure he does. Maybe you can get a nanny/babysitter to help you at home more or even a housekeeper to come in once a week if your budget allows for it? Any family that can help you in the household? That must be so hard on you, I feel your fustration. I myself get so burned out, because my husband is working all day and weekends and basically I handle everything else with 2 boys ages 7 and 4 and that is tough on me. I myself feel like a single mom because he is never there to help me with the household, the kids, appointments etc. But I do stay at home, but somedays I need to crash and sleep because I am so tired. If I was in your situation, I would ask my family for help as I do now or friends, or hire a maid or babysitter to help you out, even if its for 2 hrs. a day just something to help you out a little bit. I hope I may have helped alittle bit, not sure! K.

Hi J.,
You need to carve out fun time for yourself, a time you can look forward to, like a neighborhood weekly book-reading club, a sewing or quilting group, a political chat group, whatever you feel will lift your spirits and be totally separate from any of your home activities. If nothing else, walk or exercise. I wish you a balanced life.
L.

i know how you feel i have been marrried for 20yrs my husband has ADHD and so does my oldest (son) fortunately neither of my girls have it i feel the same way though if i stoped doing all the things that i do this house would fall apart what i do to keep my sanitya couple of hours of down time each week cause if you dont you will burn out and get very resentfulland that is no good for anyone involved when your husban is having a good day you need to help him to see all that you do and ask him to help with small things at firstlike putting wash in vacuuming the floor ect that is how i did it i know what my husbands limits are and i work around them. and do not have any family that lives near us so we have had to do it all on our own my kids are now 18,16,&11 and i am still working through it. some days i just want to run out in to the woods and scream but it is the down time that i make sure that i get that keeps me going other wise i am sure i would be in the mhu by now my daughters counseler is always asking me how i do it and tells me that i need me time you dont realize how much you can actually handle untill you are called to do it. as your kids get older it will get easier just hang in there you can do it let me know how you are doing
M.

J., I just want to say that my heart goes out to you. To be raising a family in such difficult circumstances, AND going to college, AND working, I'm sure...You have so much to be proud of. People like you leave me in awe. I pray you're able to find good help that will make it easier on you.

As an aside - I have a number of relatives with both ADHD and bipolar disorder. In every case, finding the right combo of therapy and medicine made all the difference. Thank G-d, they are now completely functional and self-sufficient. If your husband is having so much trouble, perhaps his doctors need to suggest a different treatment? It's just a thought. Neither of you should have to suffer so much.

Sending you love.

Although the details are quite different, I am in a very similar place as you right now. I hear you using the same words, even. My only advice would be to find professional help. You have too much to handle on your own right now, and as you've described it, it's up to you to handle it! If you are in college, there may be some very low-cost therapy available. You can find someone for *yourself* to help you work through your feelings of isolation, sadness, disappointment, and whatever other emotions are lurking under your necessarily-tough skin. That person can also help you figure out how to reorganize your life and your thinking so that you can go back to *living* life instead of struggling through the days as life goes by.

God Bless You! I work in mental health and would recommend a group to call- your local NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill) & FAMI (Family Alliance for the mentall ill) groups for some connections & supports on managing the stress that can come w/ having a family member who has bipolar or other mental health issues. Although he may not be able to manage some of the chores or tasks as well (or at all?) as you can - I can't imagine that he can't do some things, like cleaning the bathroom or doing laundry (after you sort it out etc...) or picking up something at the store. You may need to structure what has to be done. I find I have too also or I go "crazy" w/o things being organized to a degree. If I didn't do most of the household things (or see that they were "assigned" - they wouldn't get done and that would make for more of a chaos feeling).
Most important - the safety and security of everyone - including yourself - emotionally - as you are the foundation of it probably? THink about what he might be able to pick up to do.
I get little to no me time except for lunch hours at work to do errands etc. But as long as I can stay as close to on top of the essentials, I can be more relaxed to handle the other stressors that come up.
I have no family support around to call on to watch my 2 year old and we recently moved so I don't know neighbors enough to call on for planned respite for myself to just go out of the house for a while. If you can do that - Please do it! Good Luck- and glad you are reaching out!

Hi J.

I was in your position w/o the kids and could have written the very same letter that you did!!! What was invalueable to me was a support group that you can access through this link: talk.to/addspouse

Sincerely yours,
J.

dear J.;

my dear, you have got to get some help and fast. nobody, NOBODY, can do what you are doing all alone. for your own sake and the sake of your kids, you must find some help.

my advice would be to call your parents and in-laws, and anyone else close to you in your family, and tell them very frankly what is going on. this is not the time to be proud, you are in danger of having a crisis. get the folks who love you together and talk about them pooling some money to get you a baby sitter on a regular basis. if each set of inlaws could contribute just $50 a week, that could probably buy you at least 10 hours of help with the children, which would make a huge difference.

if they can't do money, is there ANY way at all that any of these people could baby sit for you for free? perhaps your parents or inlaws, or some retired nearby aunts, uncles, cousins, could come in for 3 hours a day a few times a week, or more? esepcially the grandparents i would think would want to be with the children as much as possible.

if not, what about looking around locally for a child care coop or playschool for your older son? my son, almost 3, goes to play school 9 hours a week, and otherwise i am home w him and my 13 month old daughter full time, and that 9 hours makes a world of difference. is there any kind of child care where you go to school?

also, i'm not sure it sounds like the distribution of labor is fair in your marraige. why does your husband get to go to school full time and you only part time? maybe he needs to go only part time too, so that you have enough time to study and also take a break.

J., i think it is brave and commendable that you are reaching out to this website for help. i think you realize that your situation is becoming critical. i have faith that there are people who love you in your family who can put thier heads together to come up with ways to really support you and your children, and to put some sanity and order to the management of your family.

good luck to you,
J.

Hi J. - I don't really have any advice for you but wanted to reach out and offer you support and to say I'm truly amazed with all that you are managing. I'd suggest that keeping something going that's just for YOU - i.e. your studies - is crucially important amidst having so much else on your plate. Or perhaps finding something that doesn't require studying and might be a stress reducer - like excercise or yoga class. Is there any county support you can get for help with your kids ? Can you get any help from your family or can you afford a little bit of babysitting help - even while you're home to ease the physical effort ? Good luck and I hope you can put taking care of yourself into your priorities too.

You know what J....sometimes the laundry just has to wait. You can not be in 3 places at once. Write lists, even a hunny do list for the week. At some point during the week he should be able to help complete it. Maybe you should see about hiring a cleaning person. She could come once ever 2 weeks for like $60. She could do the bathrooms, the floors, the dusting all that stuff to help you out. Maybe a family member would be willing to help pay for that. As far as the kids they def. need your help but if you give them chore lists they will do it. My daughter is 5 and she helps unload the dishwasher (with me only) she makes her bed, puts her folded laundry away and she helps me clear the floors for vaccuming. You need to get out once in a while too. Make a day of the week that you go out with the girls for a few drinks or take a pottery class of something not related to kids. That will help a lot. By the way, my daughter was 3 when she started with her own chore list. As she completes the tasks she gets a sticker. Same for him, lol when he completes his list with no BS, he earns a night out with the guys. He works 2 jobs but still manages to do what I need him to do. It may be a little diffcult for being his situation but keeping him busy and occupied will help with both the ADHD and the bipolar. It doesn't give him a moment to think. But don't forget to take time for you are a couple. That will you A LOT!! One night rent a room, get a sitter get OUT together!! Bring the flame back. Good luck!!

I think I should send you some flowers.

J.,

My goodness, girl! My heart goes out to you! Can you get some help frpm family or friends? Maybe a mom or mom-in-law or a sibling could take a few of your chores off your hands or sit with the kids while you get away for a few hours. I would talk with your ped. to see if he or she can put you in touch with some resources for respite assistance so you can have some downtime or time to study without interuption. If you want to email me privately, I can help with some connections for these resources in the Cental New York/Syracuse area. There is more help out there than you are probably aware of.

Please try take care of yourself first. Like the saying goes...."Put on your own oxygen mask first before you assist others...." I will be pulling for you and let me know if I can help with those resources.

S.

Hi I have been a SAHM for many years. My youngest, the twins girls, are heading to college in the fall, and my oldest is 36, younger son is 32. We have also had a few foster kids in the middle. My advice is to relax, find time for caring, and don't sweat the small stuff. Pick your battles. No child is perfect, and you will get through. I did!! There were many days I didn't think so. Older son is a volleyball coach, who loves to put together fund raising propositions. Our younger son is a lawyer, writing contracts. I homeschooled the girls and they head for college, so after 37 years of kids in the house my husband of 38 years and I will have an empty nest. God bless you with His patience.

Well, congrats on your new little boys and wow...that's a lot going on...somethings gotta give and it shouldn't be you...first of all figure out what you can stop doing that won't drive you crazyI never had a dirty dish in the sink or anything out of place pre kids...now I empty the dishwasher at breakfast and fill it after dinner....I'm still a clean as I go kind of a gal but just with the major things, the little stuff slides by...and that's okay you can't run yourself down taking care of everything....also talk to your hubby and asign him his jobs....bathtime is a great daddy job, even if he does it every other day or "wrong", it's one less thing on your list. I had all of my kids close together(I have an 8,7,6,4 and 19month...all boys) so I know how it is at this stage...you and your husband should do the bills and budget together and he should be in charge of dinner at least once a week(pizza night). I don't know where you live but check with your grocery store, you can shop online(and still use your coupons) and they bring it to your door( for a small fee and when you are new to this it's usually free)...it's worth the money if it saves you a 2 hour trip to the store...I have also labeled my fridge, cabinets and my storage closet for 2 reasons...it help the kids learn to read and now my husband can put things where they go and find things w/o me(I'm a little nuts on that one but it helped us)...one other key thing my husband and I do is alternate every other day who gets to sleep in on the weekend....even if it's only til 8:00, it helps not to be the one always getting up with the kids...best of luck!

i have to ask, y is it that you have to take care of your husband? i understand that he's bipolar, but so am i, and no one takes care of me. i mean, i'm a SAHM and i do everything for my daughter, my husband RARELY helps out with her. all he does is play with her when he's not working (and not passed out because of work). granted, sometimes he cooks and cleans, but only because with my bipolar i'm completely drained taking care of a 2 yr old (ever since her birth actually) and cleaning up after her just about non-stop. this is why i'm so confused on why you have to take care of him.

Hi, J..

Boy, do I know how you feel. My husband was diagnosed with minimal brain syndrom when he was a child(he was deprive of oxygen during delivery) and ADHD as an adult. We're married for 12 years. My daughter is 22 months old. Having a strong family network has been very beneficial. Do you have family or friends who can take your children for a couple of hours every so often? I find that taking myself out of the situation for even just a short period of time has been a blessing. You may want to make your husband a list of what needs to be done. Give him a choice of what he needs to do to help(e.g. make dinner/give the boys a bath; clean the house/do the food shopping).

Good luck.

Hi J.. I read your post and my heart goes out to you. I don't really know what to say other than I am going to pray that some people come into your life that are willing to help you. You can't do it all and I commend you for reaching out, acknowledging that you need help.

Can you go to a local church or synogog and see if they might have anyone who can help you? Or call the local girl scout troop and ask if there are any girls earning community service badges because you could use some help.

I will keep thinking about it and I will pray too.

P.

Of course you are exhausted! You sound like you are trying to take care of everyone except yourself.

Because your son was born with a birth defect and your husband has a disability, you may be eligible for respite care from your local DSS (department of social services). I don't know the details, i just know people who have used this service. I don't know where you live so i cannot point you in the right direction. Contact your local United Way helpline - they will be able to point you in the right direction for free respite care. If you do not take care of yourself, you cannot take care of others.

Except any help you can get from friends,neighbors and/or family members! Sometimes it's hard to let other people help you when you may be so used to having to do it all yourself. Even if its just someone coming over and taking the kids for a walk in the carraige so you can take a shower or do some chores without worrying about them for a few minutes. If you can splurge on paper plates and throw away cups and even utencils (wholesale clubs have them much cheaper). It will cut back on cleanup time a bit. These are some things that helped me when I had my twin girls and my husband was working long hours. God bless you and hang in there.(Women are built tougher for a reason I guess this is it :)

I don't having any great advice except that you need to start thinking of yourself as well.

When your husband is feeling well - - do something for yourself to get away. I don't have nearly the same situation as you but I wasn't taking care of myself either. I became VERY depressed. I had a friend who invited me to a church group once a week (called Serenity Circle). Just getting out one night a week gave me back some sanity.

If you can - maybe try some meditation, go to Yoga once a week - something to get you to relax and find a small amount of peace. :)

J.,
I understand your feelings to a point. I am a work from home mom of three (7 years, 5 years and 9 months old). I do daycare out of my house 5 days a week and I care for 2-10 month olds and a 4 month old. I know hwat you mean when you say you are physically and mentally exhausted. the best thing I can tell you is to try to get out of the house for some "you" time. It sounds like you care for your husband just as much as you care for your children and you really don't get a break. I am fortunate enough to have a husband that requires little maintance, but he still doesn't understand that I need a break. e thinks that because I work from home, I am not an exhausted at the end of the day. I don't think that men understand that a mom's job is never done. At the end of my day, eventhough the other three kids leave, my three are still there. I look forward to quiet time when my husband is giving the kids a bath or watching a movie with them. maybe you can find a way for your husband to give you a little "you" time, even if it is while he gives them a bath. It is the little moments that make the world of difference to me. sometimes a five minute break makes a world of difference!!!
C.

Hi J. B,
My first question to you would be how is your support team? Family and friends that you have shared your situation with. We would all be surprise of how our community of friends and family could be so helpful if we reach out to them. Just be careful not to make your burden their burden.

First off you need help, before something goes real bad. You need to see a DR!!!!! All this pressure and stress in NOT GOOD! How can you take care of anyone if you feel as though you are slipping under. Call a mental health hotline and get some help and advice of where you might get some help if money is an issue. I live with Depression and I see what it does to my spouse and children at times. I can't even imagine what it is like with the combo of Bi polor and ADD!!!

Call for help! If not your own Dr. the hot line. This is not a healthy situation for anyone in the family. If you have money hire some help, ask relatives to lend a hand and or put college aside for awhile. There has to be an agency out there that knows how to help you in some way. Even if it is a little counceling or just someone to talk to that has a clue.

I repeat... ASK FOR HELP!!!!! IMPORTANT!!!!!! HEAR ME????

Hi J.,
I know this will sound nuts to you, but I have three all 13 months apart and I can tell you the time that they need you.. the way they need you. now is SHORT!!!
Take a break from school, enjoy being a mom. Go back when it is more managable. Trust me, as a mom you will not ever regret putting school off for a few semesters, but I can tell you for SURE you WILL regret not being there 100%, not exhasted and wiped for your children when they are infants>
Look into your heart and figure out what is the most important thing happening in your life right now. They are counting on you.PRIORITIES!
God Bless.
S. D.

Hi J.
Interestingly enough, I find myself in a similar situation... my husband and I are together for 13 years (married for a couple)and we have one child, who is 2 months old. I actually put off having a baby for years (he HOUNDED me to have one) because of the fact that he has ADHD and depression and I always felt like i couldnt manage ONE MORE THING on my to-do list because of this.......
While he has good intentions (and is CRAZY about the baby) I do find myself doing everything in the house when it comes to chores. This has been the case since we moved in together 6 years ago. Also, he is of Eastern European heritage (was born there) and so he has a lot of traditional ways about him. Like it would never occur to him to make dinner on his own, etc. I tend to be too independent and so I generally dont ask for help (big mistake). But I tend to find it easier to take on more responsibility myself than chance being disappointed if I ask him to do something and it doesnt get done (or gets screwed up).
I am currently on leave from work but will be returning in late april and am very concerned about how I will juggle everything. He is staying home to take care of the baby.
The first thing I would consider is whether or not your husband is medicated> Mine has been for a while and I must say that it has made a huge difference; even if he doesnt do any house chores, he's in a better mood when I do them lol/
I have also noticed his ADHD MUCH more since I had the baby; he's always playing around with the baby (can't really hold her quietly to comfort her, etc) and sometimes I think she finds him too overstimulating.
In addition I have 2 large breed dogs who I am basically in charge of, since my husband really cant get his act together to walk them (although I must say he has made some strides in this area).
WHile I probably am not the best person to give advice in this area, I would definitely say that prioritizing is key. Don't go nuts if you cant get everything accomplished. Nobody ever dropped dead from having dishes in the sink and laundry in the hamper. I tend to take care of things that are a matter of life and death (ie, making sure all living beings in the house are fed and somewhat clean, paying bills), and let the chips fall where they may for everything else. My husband LOVEs to keep the baby occupied (there goes that ADHD again!) and so one thing that I have going for me is that I dont need to do all the chores while holding a baby:)...
Keep in touch if you would like - we sound like kindred spirits....
A.

J.,

My heart goes out to you, as it sounds like your plate is just too full. Is there anyone in your family or close circle of friends who can lend some help? If there is, reach out to them and ask for help. It is sometimes hard for us "do it all personalities" to ask for help, but it sounds like you need a breather. You will be more energized and better able to keep up if you can just get a little relief. Keep the faith that things will get better...they will.

Warm Regards,
C.

J. -

First off: congrats for asking for help. You have a tough job and are working hard and doing good work! Hoorah for you!

Secondly - sorry this is really really long!

Something that has helped for my husband (Adult ADD) and myself (severe PMS - 2 weeks a month of super bad news!) is changing our family's diet. It helped calm his focus and helped me regulate my mood swings. It might work somewhat to help your husband on both counts (obviously, his isn't hormonal related, but it could still help level things out for him).

Basically, if we can both function more appropriately, then it's easier to take care ourselves and each other and care for our daughter. We also believe that a proper breakfast and our vitamins makes us infinitely more functional.

If you can, try food journaling for three days to a week and notice how that effects moods and focus. I noticed for myself and my DH, coffee and soda and lack of whole grain sources really junked both of us up. I also found out we have slight "allergies" to certain foods that effect our moods and focus, so I just avoid those.

Maybe see if your insurance covers for nutritionists or dieticians... but in the meantime, for us, adding more whole grains (no white anything), more fruits and veggies, a protein source and "good oil" at every meal, has worked wonders for us. No caffiene, no refined sugars, no fake sugar. Only unfiltered/unpasturized honey, blackstrap molasses, brown sugar, if you must have a sweetner. We also take flaxseed meal in one meal a day - usually in yogurt or on salad. We also try to have a high omega-3 oil capsule once a day. Can find both online or in a local nutrition store. Try to find organic ones if possible and within budget.

Easy food options:
*Quinoa (pronounced KEEN-wah) is a grain that's great as it is a good source of protein, and can easily be made into salads with olive oil, olives, chopped carrots, diced tomatoes, scallions, Parmesean (or whatever I have handy) cheese, etc. Great for a boxed lunch for school. My husband takes this as a power snack twice or three times a week to work - particularly on long days. You make it just like rice (rinse well, boil then simmer for 20 minutes, 2 water to 1 quinoa, throw in a bullion cube for flavor), and it keeps for about 4 days in the fridge.
*Oatmeal - so good with some nuts, cinnamon, a little honey, milk, banana, etc. I let my husband do his own "doctoring" to his.
*Grits - easy, good. I take a slice of ham, brown in the pan that I make the grits in, add the grits and water/milk to cook. Then towards the end I add chopped ham. Dish up with a scrambled egg (one egg + one egg white) on top. It may be a bit country, but it's tasty and filling.

Don't do all the changes at once - too expensive and could send him in to revolt, which isn't fun for anyone. By doing the journal, you'll be able to see what's what and where easy changes can be made.

As for the organization part... Have you checked out The Fly Lady (www.flylady.net)? It's a free site that helps you run your household more efficiently and more easily. It really helped me to have a daily plan and keep everything organized, etc. It helped me organize my house to organize my mind... if that makes sense.

Good luck to you! Keep us posted.
Please feel free to personal message me. =)
A.

Wow! I am so relieved that there is someone else out there that has the same issues as me. I often think that I am the only one and that I, myself, am mentally unstable for getting involved with such a man. My husband, as well, is bipolar and ADHD. We only have one child who is four years old however we are both in college trying to finish our BA's and my hubby has two jobs and I have one part time job outside of home. I always say I have a four year old and ten year old due to my husbands moodswings and his inability to multitask in life. I take on all of the household duties and if I don't do something one day it doesn't get done because he is incapable of doing it himself. He has since been regulated with medication although if he is not timely with taking it, we will be in for it.

I have found that now that I don't expect so much out of him it is easier for me mentally. I don't expect too much out of myself and it is easier to accept when this place looks cluttered all the time. I am a bit of a perfectionist so it has taken time to get over the disorder. I give my husband a lot of time to himself to do whatever it is he feels he needs to do and this helps him focus more on things when the time comes. I have learned to different coping mechanisms over the years but I think if we had more children it would be more difficult and that's why we don't have anymore because I wouldn't be able to handle it. If possible you should look into a two and a half hour preschool program for your oldest to give you a break there, even if it is two days a week. I did that when my daughter was a little over two and it helped me be able to accomplish more things. Also you definitely need to find someone you can confide in and talk to them because you will not make it alone. I see a therapist so I can talk to her and I don't feel exhausted, she is very helpful. Reach out to people around you who you can trust to watch your children for a couple hours to get something done.

HOpe this helps! Good luck!

Pray. Take time for you. I would think you wouldnt be doing it all if you didnt know how important it is to keep it all going. Stay strong. Stay supported where you can get it .. I am sure that although school sounds like a burden .. but it is also a place for you to grow, flourish, and empower yourself. So much happens as time passes.. The work you do now will pay off later .. just stay on track. :)