Fair Curfew

If she is living at home she should follow any rules/cerfew that you set. No questions asked. Communication- I have a 17 year old he has a 10pm cerfew we talk about what he will be doing on weekends and he may have a later cerfew. But, he also has to honor the week day cerfew. Last night he was late... he did call but, this weekend his cerfew will before 9:30. Just because she is 18 and in college does not give her a free life style that is on you and the rest of the families expense.
Famiy sit down and talk about the transition teen to adult. Expectations, responsiblity, respect, come to the table with an agreeable contract.

What about a compromise and make it 1? Maybe 12 for school nights and 1 for special occasions or weekends?

WHO IS THE PARENT HERE ??, Yes, she is living under your roof, if she does not like her cerfew, then she can move out. SHE is 18, an adult, but still living with you.
Well, she can get a 2nd job, support herself, get an apartment. Just because she is in collegs does not mean she stops having rules, or stops listening to the parent.
Kids living under my roof have rules , 18, 20 or only 11, they live with me, they have rules to abide by.

I am the mother of 3 grown children..and my personal feeling is that at 18...and a college student...it is time to start letting your daughter take responsibility for her own actions. She knows when she has to work, she knows when she has to be at classes. After my girls graduated from High School...we didnt have "curfews" anymore...we DID as them to be responsible and courteous to us by not coming in and waking the entire family up as they returned home. This is your oldest child so this is your first time at "cutting the apron strings"....I remember how hard it was when it was time to start letting go with my oldest daughter. If I were you, I would be willing to go in and remind her ...ONCE that she needed to get up for class or work, but after that...it would be her responsibility to get up and get moving. If she is late...SHE pays the consequences. That is part of being an adult.
I made other "rules" when our girls were older and living at home....(they had moved out for college or to live on their own and then moved back home) After I got really really tired of preparing food for them and then having it go to waste because they didnt come home for dinner...we told them...IF you are coming home for dinner, let me know....otherwise I will assume you will not be there. If they showed up "un-announced" they got to go dig in the fridge for dinner!!!
My advice is to sit down with your husband and your daughter and have a nice quiet, calm talk about consideration for the rest of the family, responsibility, priorities etc. Then, start letting go and let your little chick spread her wings!!!
This is going to be a difficult time for you..letting the first one become independent is always the hardest...but trust me...it gets easier by the time you are doing it the third time!!!
Good luck!!!
R. Ann

I lived with my folks for 2 years while I went to college. During that time, I respected their home rules. If I were to be home by a certain time I was. The few times I arrived home, I made sure I woke up early and went to work early. This way, I proved to them that I could still be resposible for my actions. I went to school full time, and worked two part time jobs to pay my way through college.

My opinion, she should be responsible enough now to respect other adults, get to work on time, and still know how to have fun without getting into any trouble.

My two cents.

Best Wishes,

J. H.

I read the other responses and completely disagree with the one(s) that say that just because she is 18, you no longer have any control. She is living under your roof, and until she chooses to do otherwise, she must obey your rules.

Now, that being said, she is getting older and midnight is a very early curfew for someone out of high school. I'll tell you what my parents did, and I really think they made some good decisions where we had enough freedom to be happy, but also accountability so we were responsible...

When my sister and I (step-sisters raised together, 5 months apart but in the same grade) became seniors, Dad pulled us aside and thanked us for being good kids, which we both really were. He told us that because we had not caused problems for them and had always respected our curfew, he was extending it to 1:00. Because he came to us and extended it, we completely respected and appreciated it. Mom and Dad also had the policy that we were to be home at curfew time, not a minute later, but that we could call if there was something that we wanted to do that would cause us to be out past curfew. We had to have permission to do what we wanted if it would be after curfew, but they ALMOST always said yes. They rewarded us for showing them respect. We always knew, from the time I can remember, that as long as we lived in their house, we would have to follow their rules. We could do whatever we wanted when we were on our own and supporting ourselves, but until such a time that we could do that, we knew we had to go by the rules. Mom and Dad never tried to force us to stay living at home, but because their rules were reasonable, we didn't have the strong desire to fight them on things or move out prematurely.

Good luck! Remember, your house means your rules. If she chooses to leave, let her, because she is an adult. But as long as she's there, you deserve to have your home and the fact that you provide for her respected.

No, you are right. She is living under your roof you set the rules. I think you are right on the button. it not that you are being mean it is for safty reason. I hope it goes better for you. it is SO hard being a parent. one day when they have kids thy will go through it too.

God bless

You know what is even harder is your daughter going away and you don't know what is going on.

Boy!! we are both going through a tough time now aren't we?

I think midnight is a great idea - especially during the week. Considering there are kids in the house, there must be a respect issue where she realizes that coming in loud is not an option (you didn't mention if that had been a problem). She also has to understand that her younger sisters are looking up to her and watching what she does. Granted, if she were living in a dorm somewhere, she could probably come and go as she pleases, but, there are curfews in lots of cities that watch out for teenagers that are out past a certain time.
We've all been teens before and we know that time slips away from us when we're 'hanging out' with friends - sometimes midnight seems really early, but when you have classes, work and just plain "LIFE" the next morning, midnight is a good cutoff. Maybe addressing the issue with the comment that you feel it's in her best interest to be at the house by midnight (at least during the week) and make it clear that if she plans to be out later than that, she needs to let you know. When I lived at home during college, my parents expected me to be home by midnight and it never killed me!

You have received a ton of advice, but I feel compelled to add my two cents as well. She's in college. She's an adult now (even if only because of this status) and needs to be treated like one. You two need to sit down and discuss this issue. If she were my daughter, I would not implement a curfew for her because she is in college. I can assure you most if not all of her friends have no curfew, whether they live at home or not. If she did go away to school, you would have no idea what time she came home or what she was doing. This being said, she needs to understand that she still lives under your roof. She needs to be respectful of that. While I strongly don't believe she should have a curfew, I think that you should explain to her that you aren't giving her one because she is an adult and you expect her to behave like one. If she's been drinking (even though you don't condone it at her age), you expect her to either get a ride from a friend who has NOT been drinking, call you, or call a cab for a ride. If she isn't planning on coming home, she needs to let you know. You can also insert other things that you want to know about here. If she abuses her privilege of being treated like an adult, make it clear that she will lose it. It is hard, but you have to let her have some breathing room. Let her become an adult. She's 18 and is bound to make mistakes, but you can't protect her forever. IF she goofs up, she looses her privilege for a while until she can earn your trust again. If she abides by the rules, you'll treat her as an adult. Also, I would lay down the law about your policies on guests coming home with her. If you don't want her friends crashing at your house when they come home at all hours of the night, that's your right because it is your house. Just talk with her up front about all of these things. Good luck. This isn't easy, but if you want her to learn and grow, you have to give her space.

She is an adult now, and I don't think she should have a curfew. She should however, be respectful. If she is going to be home at a later time than she usually comes home then she needs to let you know. It's a respect issue here. As far as her oversleeping for work, she's an adult and is never going to learn if her mommy is always going to be there to babysit her. Let her show up late. If she looses her job, then it was her doing and she'll know to not oversleep next time. I know it's got to be hard to watch your kids leave and make mistakes, but it's how they grow in life!

hey girl,
you have to keep in mind that technically she's an adult, and most kids are moving out at this age and don't have to answer to anyone. too young? probably! but still, it's the norm. i do think a midnight curfew is too strict - the rule at my house once i hit 18 was basically, let mom know when you'd be back. we didn't really go out except on weekends, so it was never a huge deal. this was normally during breaks from school so my mom already knew we'd had that freedom. i mean if you really want to battle over this, just keep in mind, she could technically move out. is it worth it? myself i'd rather give them a little more leeway (letting her know she's expected to be responsible and give you a heads up as to when to expect her home) than start a losing battle. good luck!

If she is any age, living at home with you paying the bills then she has to follow your rules. No matter what they are, if you want her home at 10 PM then she needs to be home. However, she needs to have some responsibility. So if she stays out late and doesn't want to get up in the morning then let her sleep. If she loses her job she will learn. Some responsibilities are hers. If she is paying you room and board then you are going to have to let go. Hard I know, but then she is completely responsible for herself. If she doesn't like your rules she can move out. Am I hard, yes! But don't we want to raise responsible adults? I raised four chidlren, all of whom have children and are responsible in their adult lives.

It wasn't that long ago when I was 18. I didn't have a curfew. I told my parents where I would be and when I would be home. If I was going to be later, I would call and leave a message on the answering machine for them (because they would always be in bed) so that they would know not to worry. Hope it helps!

I agree with most of the other responses; your daughter is a legal adult, no matter how you may feel about it. Still, regardless of where she lives (at home, on campus, or elsewhere), she needs to show respect for any other people living there. Perhaps she could tell you what time she thinks she'll be home, and call you if she'll be late.

As long as you can reach her in case of emergency, I don't think a curfew is appropriate for an 18-year-old college freshman unless there are really good reasons for it. You being unable to sleep until she gets home is not really a good reason (I can't sleep until my husband gets home from his shift, either, but that's my problem, not his). Her getting up late the next day is not really a good reason, either--although if she loses her job and cannot pay her bills, that would be different.

I also agree with others that you need to let HER be responsible for her own mistakes--you're not her alarm clock or her employer. She has to learn (as we all do) that her actions may have unpleasant consequences. As parents, we need to teach our children how to stand on their own, not hold them back because they might fall. We need to teach them how to NOT need us (yikes!).

I do not have adult children yet (I do have a teenager), but I know that my mother's strict curfew was the main reason I moved out a month after I turned 18.

My mom wanted me to take on more responsibilities at home, but did not want to give me more freedom to go along with it. She also refused to discuss it, so I didn't understand why she was being so strict. I felt she had no respect for me, even though I had tried hard to earn it. Now that I have my own children, I understand WHY she did what she did, though I still don't agree with it. At the time, though, I felt my only option was to move out. I did so within two weeks of announcing my decision, much sooner than my parents expected. My mom did not like that outcome at the time, but she still would not compromise to keep me at home.

In the end, it turned out to be a good thing for both of us that I moved out. Yes, I made plenty of mistakes, but overall, I did fine on my own--and I didn't need my parents' help.

Incidentally, I wasn't out drinking, doing drugs, having sex, or getting into any other trouble before OR after midnight; I was just hanging out, building friendships and enjoying the freedom of coming and going when I chose. Even now, with children, my husband and I occasionally stay up until the wee morning hours just laughing and talking with friends (albeit, usually in our own home these days). So please don't assume that she's getting into trouble just because she's out after midnight.

By the way, even though we still have our disagreements, my mother and I are very close, and I love her dearly. But I still wouldn't live in her house if I had a curfew. ;-)

Good luck!
--A.

I do not think you are unreasonable. When I turned 18, my curfew was extended to midnight and I thought it was great (that was 10 years ago). If she wants to live at home to make things easier on herself financially, then she needs to understand that there are other consequences to that. She is escaping a lot of the responsibilities of living on her own and, thus, is also not getting some of the freedoms of living on her own. It is a trade off. EVERY decision in life comes with those trade offs. There are always benefits and consequences to the decisions that we make. These are hers - and they are NOT too hard to handle. I think midnight is more than reasonable. My grandmother used to say that there was nothing that we should be doing to do that late at night - and she is right. Good luck!

I'm going to agree with the "no curfew" idea. She is an adult, even though she's in an in-between stage, and she doesn't need or want to be parented any longer. In fact, since you seem to NEED her to have a curfew and demand she come home when she's out- she probably needs to live on campus for everyone's sanity.

Gooooooooood Morning S., Ain't Teenagers fun!?!?!
I think your midnight curfew is fair for now as she sure hasn't shown responsibility when coming in Late.

I would have her call if she is going to be even 15 minutes late so you know she is OK and on her way home. If she is 30 minutes late the phone would be ringing in HER ear asap. Forget texting call her. There is nothing a kid can do after Midnight that they couldn't do before that time. Out that late can really be harmful to any young girl or young boy. Weird people out there.

I raised two boys and we had the same rules until they proved they could be responsible for there commitments to home and jobs. If they were late for work so be it, it wasn't my responsibility to wake them up on time or force them out of bed. Privileges don't come free, they are earned.

Best of luck to you S.,Praying you survive in spite of it all :)
K. Nana of 5

Most kids in college do not have a curfew. However, I am referring to those who go away and live on campus. Your daughter is living at home, so you are allowed to give her a curfew according to what makes you comfortable. If she doesn't like it, she should move out. I agree with the other moms that she should be living on her own. That way her after hours activities won't drive the both of you crazy. Plus, it may actually improve your relationship to let her move out on her own so that she will have an opportunity to appreciate all the things you do for her that she may not come to realize while living at home. And she will gain some independence and responsibility in managing her finances.

Generally an 18 year old has no curfew at College any longer. Rather than give hr a time to be home - ask hr to call you and let you know where she is, and that she is safe - if she is going to be out past midnight. The getting up to go to work is her responsibility - let her boss take care of that one. The fact that she is out late may not be the problem - If she is not drinking, using drugs, etc, and otherwise she is responsible and respectable I would let her spread her wings and assume responsibility for herself more. Sincrely, G.

Honestly, I think no curfew is the way to go. The main reason it bothers you is because you know she is out. Had she gone away to college or even moved into dorms in the same town, you'd never know what time she got home, when she had to be to work or class. Let her grow up and make her own mistakes. She's never going to learn how to be responsible for herself and for her own reasons unless she's given the chance. My parents did away with my curfew after I graduated from high school (I was still 17). I actually lived at home my first year of college as well. I knew I had my freedom and I had my fair share of late nights, but lo and behold, I did learn from it. Good luck!

I read all the responses and think there are too many parents who stop parenting at a certain age. My son will be 18 during his last year of High School (he has an August birthday) I won't stop parenting him.
I explained to my kids that I couldn't sleep well until they were in the house safe, if they couldn't get home at a time I set they could move out. It's your house, you worked hard to have this place for you to relax and feel secure. If they feel they are old enough to have no rules, they are old enough to have their own place, bottom line! I have a really good email about a parent with an unpopular parenting decision, it's kind of enlightening.

Good Morning,

I raised three daughters alone! They are now 27,25 and 22. When they graduated high school and still lived at home after they were 18, they all had curfews. I have to admit I was stricter (still am) then you are. S-Th they had to be in by 11:00, and no one was allowed in the house after that time either. On Friday and Saturday they didn't really have a curfew, except no one could be in the house after 2am. When they were younger they all thought it was pretty mean of me, but as they have matured they say that now they are glad there were rules. The problem was and is, if they are not working there is no reason for someone under the age of 21 to be out that late! There is nothing that can go on, that will be productive after midnight. To this day the 22yr. old still follows the rules and if she is going to be gone to a friends house all night she let's me know where she will be so I know she is safe.
What it all comes down to is, it is your house and out of respect for you, she needs to follow the rules you have laid down.

An alternative is, she can either pay rent to you (which my girls laughed at), she can move out or she can come to the conclusion that you are not unreasonable and be grown up and just abide by what you ask of her.

How would she feel, if you just decided not to come home and she had no idea where you were or if you were ok?!

Hang in there - it can be tough but it all shakes out in the end!

When I turned 18 and was still living at home my curfew was usually at midnight although my parents were good at compromise when something special was going on when I would have to be out later. I moved out about 5 months after I turned 18 and was going to college. I would come home and stay with my parents on the weekends most of the time. I was not given a curfew but out of respect I was home by 1am every night I went out. They were good to me and I was staying in their home so I didnt want to make them worry. Maybe this will help? Good luck!

We always had a midnight curfew when I was growing up but at the same time, my parents understood that sometimes things just happen and you need to be later. The rule in our house was that if you are going to be later for some reason, you have to call so that Mom does not worry about you. Since you daughter is still living in your house, she needs to show you respect and obey whatever rules you agree on. At the same time, she is now an adult and you need to give her the freedom to make some of those desicions for herself. This will also mean that you have to allow her to make some mistakes. If she doesn't get up because she has been up to late, let her sleep and miss work and have to deal with the consequences. She will not learn how to be in control and what works and what doesn't if you are always catching her when she falls. Let her have her freedom with the knowledge that you expect to be respected as long as she is living in your house. If she pushes the line too many times, kick her out of the house. I know that sounds harsh but in the long run, it will be better for both of you. I hope you never have to get to that point.

Just make sure she understands that she is not fully grown and she is living under your roof, if she do not like your rules she going to have to deal with it until she can get her own place. It is really up to you on how much you can take and how long you can deal with it. Have she thought about going away to college? I feel that that will be a good experience for her so she can learn a couple of things about being on er own, being responsible, respecting other people rules, and space. YOu are the parent, you shouldn't have to fight with your child in your house. She have to learn how to respect you and your rules iyour house. Try to come to a compromise on the curfew. 12midnight is a little early, push it up til 1am and see how that works out. It's really depends on what you can deal with.

If she were in high school and 18 I would agree with the cerfew. Since she is in college, it is time for her to grow up. I would have a discussion with her and say that you recognize she is an adult and needs to manage her affairs. Tell her you can give up on the cerfew but she needs to live up to the adult treatment by making it to work on time, paying rent (or equivalent in "sweat equity" around the house), making certain grades, etc. I would also tell her that as a courtesy she needs to call or text at certain times to let you know she is OK. Last thing you want is a battle, but even worse, a daughter that can't make it on her own when she moves out.

You have a lot of great ideas to mull over, but here's one more, courtesy of my neighbors. Their college-student daughter has a midnight curfew, but she can pick up to two nights per week when she can stay out until 2 a.m. She chooses the night, but it can't be a night when she has to work the next morning. Good luck.

Since she is now in college, I feel that you should trust her on coming home at a reasonable hour on her own. I did this with my daughter, and she usually was home by 12:30 or 1:00 anyway....it seemed when I made her come home at a certain time, she tended to fight it, but when she knew there was no set time, she was home at a reasonable time.

I went away to college my freshman year and my mom tried to put a midnight curfew on me when i came home the first summer. We sat down and discussed it like adults and I explained that I'd just spent almost a year on my own and she needs to trust me. She explained back to me that she had to get up very early in the morning for work and could not sleep until she knew I was safe at home. She knew I was an adult now, had spent the time at college on my own and had somehow survived perfectly fine, and it was all silly, but she couldn't help it. She only wanted me home by midnight b/c that was the latest she could stay up and still function the next day. The weekends were different but still the same theory applied. It was her house and for all purposes I really was at that point a guest and she really wanted the summer to be fun and reconnect, etc. What I'm getting at is just sit down with her and discuss it. You have two other children at home that are learning by her example and that need thier sleep. You are not trying to be a horrible mom with tons of rules to hold her back. She is technically old enough to move out so if she can't show adult like respect then she can figure out how to live on her own. If living on her own isn't an option, an adult compromise that you can both live with is the best you can do. Do be careful not to cave too much as I have a few friends that are 30 and still living at home b/c thier parents have made it too easy for them to not move out! Both have great jobs but don't see any reason to move out.

I have 3 kids all in their 20's at this time. There are probably some things going on that you may not be aware of as well. At 18 she is feeling more like an adult. She probably has friends who she emails or texts with, who live on campus some where. On campus there are no curfews, and no one tells you when to get up. There are no rules to live by other than the ones the university have in place. She is hearing about the way her friends are living and she may be feeling a little less than an adult in her situation than they feel in theirs.

Yes she is living in your house, and she needs to be considerate of you and your requests, however I do beleive that placing a curfew on her will only drive a wedge between the two of you. At this age she wants to know that you respect her and that you trust her to be an adult. She is looking for that kind of approval, even if she does not know how to voice it.

I know the hardest thing in the world is to go to sleep knowing one of your kids is not home yet, but sometimes you have to. We came up with a system that worked well at our home. If you are not going to be home by 12 please call and let us know so that we know you are alright. When they did call we would ask what time they thought they would be in, and if they did not make it by that time, they would call again.

As far as getting up, that is her choice. Choices are what life is made up of. We choose to stay out late, we choose to get out of bed or not. If not getting up means losing our job, we made the choices. She will be well aware of her own mistakes as they impact her life, she will not need you telling her I told you so. She will also not benefit from you bailing her out and giving her the money she would have lost by losing her job.

My daughter and I have had our disagreements over the years. I have to say though, by learning to step back and letting her grow into this wonderful young woman I can see the things that we have taught her have taken route. Some times they have to try life out, and see how it fits, before they can grateful for the way they were raised. My daughter is now one of my best friends, as well as wonderful and thoughtful daughter!

I was just asking my co-worker about this. She is older than I (I am 39) and she has a 22, 24, and 26 year old. Her advice was that rules were meant to be broken. She did not give them a curfew. She said she expected things from them and they abided by that. She would ask them where they were going. "A movie that starts at 8 and then Steak and Shake?" "Okay, the movie probably goes til 10, then you eat after that. You shouldn't need to stay out past midnight." She said that when you give a kid a curfew, they stay out until the very last second, even if they have nothing to do. And she's right. I used to sit in the driveway up until the very last second I had of freedom. The time they come home should depend on what they're doing. Try that.

I know what you are going through...
My daughter is 18, she is also going to college but is 3 hours away.
We feel that we have prepped her to make the right decisions and are here to help if she needs it.

We have only three rules when she comes home to visit.
1. She has no curfew...But that she needs to respect that there are people in the house who do have to get up for work and still have a normal life.

2. If she is not going to be home, to call and/or text me and let me know, because I am her mother and even though she is an 'adult' now, I still worry. She usually leaves with the intention of coming home, but then around 9 or 10 calls and says she is going to stay with her friends.

3. She cannot bring boys home, it is disrespectful to sleep with them in my house and most importantly she has a young impressionable 6 year old brother.

Maybe give her till one a.m. with the condition she calls or texts you where she is at and what to expect as far as arrival home time,if for some reason(good)she isn't going to make curfew. This is simply out of respect, her to you and you to her adult life. If you don't have communication both ways it will be tough. Talk to her and explain why you feel the way you do. Barb K. mother of two adult girls.

I think it is completely unreasonable to put an 18 yr old on a curfew. She's an adult now. It's been 5 years since I was 18 living with my mom, and she gave me all kinds of rules and curfews, and it only causes an untrusting disrespectful relationship between parent and young adult. By giving her a curfew, you are not recognizing her as an adult. You are asking for rules to be broken. Trust me, I'm sure she doesn't want to live with you forever, so instead of controlling her you can help her become more independent instead. She could start by getting a storage place and paying the monthly fee for it to prepare her for paying monthly rent, then use it to stock up on her future household items: furniture, shelving, cookware, linens... until she is ready to finally go house-hunting for her first home.

Is she in college? If not, help her go to college. At this age, I think you should be more worried about helping her become a young adult rather than controlling her like a baby.

Instead of a curfew, what is it that you are worried about? Are you worried she will wake other people up in the house if she comes home late?? If so, just tell her to be really quiet and respectful when she comes home. Are you worried she won't come home at all and not tell you?? At this age, I think she should be able to have her own say so in what she does and who she tells. You are creating even more distance between you to by controlling her like a baby. You need to be trusting her to be the responsible adult. At this age, you shouldn't expect to know everywhere she is or everything she is doing. What you should expect is for her to be a responsible adult and not rely on you for money or rides, and one thing I would expect is that she always answers her phone if it's you calling out of respect for you as her mom.

I hear you. I work at a university and this is a really common problem. First of all, regardless of your daughter's age, if she is going to live in your house, out of respect, there is an expectation that she will follow your rules. There is also the belief on her part that she is an adult and that she should be able to set some of her own rules. That being said, if she's going to demand that she be treated as an adult, then she has to live with the adult consequences. What that means for you is - no more waking her up to go to work when she stays out to late. The two of you need to recognize that while you are still the mother and she is still the daughter, the dynamics of your relationship have changed. You two need to have a talk to discuss what that means. You both need to define mutually agreed upon expectations and boundaries with an understanding of the consequences should those expectations/boundaries be breached.
Good luck. The transition is not an easy one, but it can be made to be less difficult.

I think that I came from a fair family with fair expectations. And, I am pretty strict on my children as far as that goes. I would have to agree with the few that any curphew at 18 is probably too strict. I think it would be courteous for the teen to tell Mom when she plans to be home, and text so you won't worry. And, she would be accountable for school and work. But, you should also say that if her grades go below a certain level, you stop paying. If she becomes disruptive to the whole family (in general), then she can find her own place. I would also remind her of the dangers of being a young girl on campus. 1 of 3 college girls are raped, that is a sobering statistic. Tell her what the consequences would be for her if she came in after drinking and driving, etc. But, after that, you will have to trust she makes the right decisions. Once she has her values set, which always happens before 18, there really is more banging your head against a brick wall than actually getting a child that age to conform, if they aren't the same ones you taught her. I am not there yet, but if I can't stop worrying so much when my oldest is 18, I will probably have to ask him to move out. There will be a rule of no motorcycles while he lives at home though. LOL Kymberli

Have you discussed it with her? She is an adult now, I know it's hard to believe(I have one myself)! But midnight is not typical for an 18 year old but you know your house rules and why they are established.

Good luck,
D.

I think midnight is fair.
My Dad used to say that there is nothing you can do after midnight, that couldn't be done before. And if it has to wait until after midnight, maybe you'd better think hard about if you should be doing it at all.
The older I get, the smarter my parents seem to be.
The "law" may say she is grown up, but at 18 she is not. She still has a lot to learn, and a lot of life to experience. The world is a dangerous place for a young girl, still wet behind the ears, who thinks she has "arrived".

There is another side of this coin, too. YOU ! I know as sure as I am sitting here, that you do not sleep until that girl is safe at home in her bed. It is thoughtless for her to keep you awake until 2:00 AM while she is playing. Then she causes yu worry when she won't get up for school and work. Even more worry when you think about her driving her car in a half sleepy condition.

My older two kids couldn't seem to conform to our rules, so each left the house at 18. Each learned some very hard lessons, lost some innocence, and returned to our home later very humbled.
Our third and youngest watched all of this and learned. She moved out for awhile at 20, but called me each night to tell me she was at home and safe for the night, and told me she loved me. After only a month, she moved back home. One a child has lived on their own, outside of my home, I don't give them a curfew. However, this child is very considerate. Even when she is going somewhere I don't particularly approve of, she will ask me "What time would you like me home ?" I so much appreciate this attitude, and when I do ask that she be home at a certain time, she complies. She treats it like a game in fact. She tries to see how close she can be to walking in the door on the dot !
Point is, she knows I won't sleep until she is home, she understands why I worry, and she has found that what my Dad said is true. Anything she wants to do after midnight, can usually be done before, or else it isn't usually worth doing. She has also discovered how nice it is to be able to get up in the morning at a reasonable time and NOT be late for work and tired all day.

Anyway, that's just my 2 cents. Do what you like with it.
:o)

NO I do not think you are wrong especially if she is having trouble getting up in time for work. 18 may be classified as an adult, but I believe if one is an adult at 18, s/he should act like one and learn how to set the alarm clock and GET UP!...*BobbiSue

Mignight is a fair curfew. If she wants to atay out later for a special ask first.

When my daughter turned 18 in Feb. 2007 and after she graduated from high school, my husband and I extended her curfew to 1:00am. It cut down a lot on the phone calls (and sometime no phone calls saying she was going to be late). At the same time, I also told her that since she is an adult, she will have to face any circumstances that she creats as an adult with no help from mom and dad (of course unless there is extenuating circumstances, but I didn't let her know that). If she was out later then curfew, and was late for work, it was her responsibility to call her employer and let them know she was late. I also quit waking her and advised that she better learn to wake up to her alarm clock. It is still hard not to get onto her about curfew if she is late and to treat her as an adult (because she is our first) but it ultimately has made her grow into a more responsible person. She is 19 now and working towards a nursing degree. She received her CNA and is working at a nursing home part-time. AND she is still living at home.

I have the same situation and this is what I came up with: my daughter is a dance major which means that she needs lots of time in the studio, more than studying at home or in the library, so she is expected home by 11 on weeknights unless she calls and it is extended to 12. Most weekends it is midnight when she's just "hanging out" with no definite destinantion. If she is going someplace specific, with a specific, identifiable individual or group, she is allowed until 2 or 2:30 depending on where she is going. If she is late, her weekday curfew becomes 10 and her weekend becomes 11 or 12. So far she works really hard to be on time.

Well it's kind of hard to put an 18 yr old on a curfew. They are at the age where they are an adult and cab legally move out on their own but she does need to respect your household. But you need to discuss with her that the reason why you want her home in a reasonable time frame for her own good and your family as well. If it's your vehicle that she's driving you can permit her only to drive it to and from school and to and from work. If she doesn't like the rules then let her know then she's free to move out and live on her own and pay for her own education and vehicle and own place and I can almost guarantee that you may have a more obedient teenager. I have an 18 year old too but not having any kind of running around problem or anything like that, He takes his college classes seriously and his work as well. He's really good about studying and staying home. Good luck.

My kids always had a midnight curfew, as well. Even with that, I would always ask them when they were going to be home. That made them be responsible for their own time. Sometimes midnight just didn't work, like when they got off work at 9:30 or 10:00 and were going to a movie or bowling or coffee with friends. One those occasions, they were expected to be home right after the movie, bowling, etc. If they were out and expected home at midnight and were, for what ever GOOD reason, not going to be home by then, they were required to call me at by no later than 11:30 to let me know that they would be late, how late, and why.
When my son went off to college, he was still expected to be home at a decent time - no later than 1:00. He again had to tell me what time he would be home. It was hard to leave his curfew at midnight - after all, he had been living his own life on his own time frame at school. But he was really good about respecting the fact that other people were affected when he came home late. He now lives in his own apartment and from what I understand, he is home at a decent time most of the time still.
My daughter just left for college last weekend, so I guess we'll see how it goes when she comes home this weekend. She has become pretty respectful, also, so I don't anticipate too many problems.
My kids have both been told, and both understand my meaning, when I tell them that nothing good happens after midnight. If they have things that they can't get done in the amount of time they have budgeted, they need to leave a little earlier, see an earlier show, or just plan to finish their fun the next evening.
A few years ago, a friend e-mailed me a poem about us "Mean Moms" and how our kids will appreciate us and love us for being mean moms. It might not be until they are 80 years old that they do, but I guess I can wait that long if I have to.

Sorry, but yes - you are wrong in the midnight curfew (unless she's being noisy & waking up the household when she comes home) - and also in making her get up on time for work. If she's in college, it's time for her to act as an adult. That means making her own decisions (how late to stay out) as well as suffering the consequences of them (work issues).

I think it would be fair for you to ask her what time she thinks she'll be back just so you have an idea (even when not living at home, it's always a good idea to let a roommate or someone know of your plans in case something goes awry). Also, it's fine to knock if you know she intended to be up but isn't in case there's been an alarm clock (or user) malfunction, but don't hound her to get up.

If you want to push the "job" thing, the way for you to do that is to charge her "rent" for living in your house. That way, she knows she needs to come up with the $$ but it's up to her to make sure that happens. And, if you don't "feel right" charging her rent, just put it in a secret bank account for her and give it to her when she purchases her own first house. :)

I can relate to this. I am a mother of 5, 2 of which have been through the situation that you are describing and what you do with this one sets the pace for the others. My oldest is a girl and we tried so many things which usually ended up in a fight. This is exactly what I did not want. She wanted freedom...being "of age"...and I wanted some control. What we ended up doing was giving her a taste of what being "grown up" was, responsibilities and all. Instead of fighting and putting down rules, we had her pay rent and she was responsible for her own actions. What she quickly found out was that she had to make some life style changes so she could get herself up for work and school, because that is all part of being independent. The money she paid in rent was put into a savings account....which she did not know about. Then, when she was ready to move out on her own, she was more prepared for the financial responsibilities as well as the accoutability with her job and school. As for the rent money in the savings account, that had reach a nice little sum by the time she had moved and 6 months later, when she proved that she was being a good steward with her money and life, we gave that account to her so she had a nice emergency fund. She has continued to contribute to that and has set an excellent example for her siblings to follow.
If she had not been so wise with her money and her actions after she moved out, we would not have given her the account to waste. The hardest thing for me was letting her make the mistake of sleeping in and getting in trouble once at work for being late, but it turned out to be for the best because she didn't do it again. Sometimes we bail our children out too much. Our job as their parents is to teach them to live successfully without us.
By the way, what business are you trying to start.....and good luck with it!

When I was in college and living at home my parents gave me a curfew also. On the nights that I had class the next day I had a curfew of midnight, but on the weekends my curfew was 2 am. You could do something like that and give her a curfew on nights she has to work early. Remind her that she may be in college but she is still living under your roof and if you are helping pay for school then you do have that right to enforce a curfew. If she is going to be late then have her text you. Maybe give her some sort of incentive for making curfew, money, pedicure, manicure or whatever. Good luck and God Bless.

IMO, I think if she is in college, I don't think she should have a curfew. I know this is probably not what you were looking for, however, she is at an age she needs to start being responsible. However I also think that if she is living in your house she should be paying rent and add those responsibilities as well. I think you both should sit down and discuss what you think is a reasonable compramise as adults, instead of dictating policy to a grown woman. When I turned 18 and got out of High School, I had my own Apartment, full time job, part-time college, and all the responsibility inbetween. If she is living at home, I still believe that those are lessons that need to be learned, and if she misses work, and can't pay her bills, then she has to learn that. Just my two cents. I think a curfew for an 18 year old college student is a little rough.

Our little one is too small to have to worry about this yet, so I can just tell you what my experience was and what my thoughts are for the future. I actually never had a curfew. As long as my parents knew where I was and who I was with and what we were doing, I could stay out as late as I wanted. However, I also still had to go to school/work the next morning, and if I ever were to have gotten into trouble, that would have ended. I'm not sure what your daughter's history is, but I was a pretty good kid with pretty good friends. (We weren't perfect, mind you, but overall, pretty good.) My plan for our daughter is going to be the Love and Logic method (at least for now - we'll see how she turns out at that age). She's an adult and needs to be responsible for herself. If she's out late and oversleeps and is late to work, she needs to deal with the consequences at work. You are there to offer support and encouragement. Let her know that you love her and you know she's grown up now and able to take care of herself so you won't be bothering her about what time she comes home or waking her up for work anymore. I can't imagine how hard it will be as I'm sure you worry when she's out. (I worry about our toddler sleeping in the other room!) Pray for patience and peace and God to have his guardian angels over her - that helps me. Good luck!

My son had a midnight curfew until he turned 18. Then I made a deal with him... no "official curfew"... with a few rules. I would reinstate his curfew if (1) he did not call me before midnight to let me know it would be after that time (2) he got in any trouble at any time (3) he did not take care of his responsibilities at home.

I'd say 75% of the time he was home before midnight. The other times he would call. One time he did not but he had fallen asleep at a friend's house. I think since I gave him the space, he did not take advantage of it.

I figure that he was an adult and could live on his own if he wanted. He is now 20 and on his own. He said he's at home and in bed before 10:00 most nights so he can get up and go to work in the morning.

Every child is different but I think a little trust (and some rules) go a long way. Good luck!

I moved homeafter a year at college, so I was 19 then. I did not have a curfew, but i also did not have one when I was in high school. I, however, did know that my mom could not sleep until I was safely at home.

What did you do for high school curfew? How about extending the time a bit past what the high school curfew was? Then, it's her choice to stay out until then or come home in enough time to be rested for work the next day. This way, you still have rules, but you can give her some freedom and pave the path for adulthood. If she can't get up for work, then that's something she'll have to deal with as an adult, if she loses her job over it, then that'll be a hard lesson for her...
i had to pay for college when I lived at home...as much as I could...books and all....but I didn't pay rent.

if you want to enforce the curfew, you could subtract minutes/hours from the next time she is out...if the curfew is 12 and she comes home at 12:30, then she loses 30 minutes off the next time she is out...

My belief on this is that once they turn 18 we don't have any more power over them than any other roommate would. Yes, we love them and are used to being the parent. But they are legal adults now. They can get married, join the military and die for their country. Any roommate would want to have an idea of where their roommate is so they don't have to worry. But most roommates wouldn't think twice about each other for a couple of days either!

I told my daughters if they lived at home they must be a good example for their little sisters. If they didn't want to keep reasonable hours and call us when they are out etc., then they needed to leave home and fend for themselves. Adult behavior=Adult expenses.

I think you are barking up the wrong tree if you are calling this a curfew at all. Talk to her about the what and the why of what you are asking and then be prepared to let her go because she is an adult now.

Suzi

I think midight through the week & maybe 1 or 2 on the weekends, presuming she dioesn't have to get up & go to work. Also, at her age she should be old enough to get up on her own to go to work even after a late night. If she can't do that then it should be earlier. Part of a curfew is being responsible enough to make your own decisions about when you need to come home if you have work or school.

Good Morning, I know where your coming from as a parent. You only want the best for your daughter! BUT you have to remember that she IS 18 years old. That means an adult. Now if she living under your roof, that does give you a little more to work with. BUT i would suggest talking to your daugher about your concerns (just not right as she is walking out the door) and voice your opinion in a calm manor. Maybe the two of you can work out something better that will work for the both of you. Also, as far as getting up for work on time, I know how hard you want to do it, but she's an adult. If she does NOT want to get up, then that is on her. She may have to learn the hard way, but she will learn what will happen if she does not get up on time. I know it's a tough love thing. I know I would be having the same problem that you are, but they are growing up (and fast do I ever know!!)

One other suggestions that may work, when i used to be out later i would just have to call and check in from tiem to time. That way no one would worry longer than they needed too (Heck i'm 31 married with a child and i still do this now!! LOL!! I know it's sad, but it keeps everyone informed)

I hope this helps you a little bit. I know i will be in the same situation one day too! Try to hand in there the best way you can. Big hugs!

Well, I am way past 18 now but when I was 19 and a sophomore in College I lived at home with my parents also. They did not try to instill a curfew for me as I worked and paid my car bills myself. Sometimes I came home early, sometimes I didn't and I had to hear about it a few times but I always made it to work. One thing I would suggest is that if she does stay out late and wakes up late for work - let her deal with the consequences. If you continue to help her up and get to work she won't understand what will happen if she's late, excessively. I know that it will be hard for you to do but it might teach her a good lesson. Good luck...

Personally I think midnight is a little early for a college 18year old living at home, now if it is was a 18year old going to HS, that is a little bit different.

I think 1AM is a little bit more reasonable anyway for Fri and Saturday, and then maybe midnight the rest of the week.

You are very fortunate to have your child living at home, because 18 is considerate an adult and he/she could move out and then have no curfew at all.

So I would maybe ask your 18 year old what he/she feels would be a reasonable curfew time, and then together you decide, that way you have their buy in, and they are more likely to go by the rules then.

Good Luck. C. F

I am sure that you want your daughter to succeed and so you are doing everything you can to protect her from failure... unfortunately this way isn't going to work. She is in college and is grown enough even in the law's eye to be doing this on her own. Now of course it is reasonable to set certain rules because she lives in your house, but if she isn't loud and waking the other kids when she gets home, you shouldn't enforce your time schedual on her. You can demand that tells you a time to expect her home, or that she maintains her job, if she fails to wake up for it then she will suffer the consequences and realize for herself the importance of sleep. Children will rebel to things they don't find value in.. which she is starting by not coming home on time. Right now it is your priority not hers. Set up rules of "living at home"... but they should be rules you would give any adult... because that is what she is. Your job now as a parent is to help her succeed as an adult, not a child.