Eye Rolling and Sighing When Asked to Do Anything

I didn't care if she rolled her eyes and harumphed as long as it got done. She had to do what she was told, she didn't have to like it or pretend to be happy about it.

Have you tried talking to her to see what the problem is?
Is she having troubles at school? Something traumatic at home?
Usually when my daughter is acting off, something is up.

My SD does this. So do my neices & friends' daughters.
I think they all started at about the same age: 10 or 11.
The parents each handle this differently but I think all in all the kids are
good so the parents deal with each child differently.

We absolutely do NOT ignore disrespectful body language.

Identify it one time and tell her that we do not roll our eyes or make disrespectful, consescending faces, or sigh in annoyed way when people talk to us. It is rude. Let her know that you will send her to sit in her room and think about it every time she does it. Explain that, when you do send her there, if she argues, is rude on the way, or comes out and demands to know how long she has left, or if she can "come out now"...she'll earn more time. She stays in there until YOU call her out.

Then, when she is disrespectful, tell her to "go to your room." If she argues, point and say, "NOW." Say nothing else. Be stoic. Do not listen to negotiating or pleading. She was disrespectful. Into her room, on that chair she goes. Don't warn her, don't tell her why. She knows.

Once in her room, she is to sit on a chair and do nothing. Put a chair in the middle of her room (or another untrafficked space if her room is too interesting). No timers, no clocks, no distractions. Just sitting. Boring sitting. Say nothing to her. Nobody should pay her any attention. This should be the most boring punishment EVER.

Leave her there for a half hour or so. Do NOT tell her how long she is to sit there. You are in control, not her. If she flips out and gets loud or tantrums, keep her in there until 15 minutes after she's quiet.

When it's time for her to come out, call her to you from where you are. Do not go in to her. Ask her why she was sent to her room. Let her talk, and try not to lecture or diatribe about her attitude. If she still has an attitude, rolls her eyes again, or insists she doesn't know....send her back. I guarantee she'll know the next time.

It won't take long until she begins to pay attention to her body language when she's talking to people.

Best of luck!

C. Lee

Edited for clarity. Sorry for the previously poor syntax.

ETA: For the chores, I would simply use the "If, when, then" tactic. "If your chores are not completed when they are supposed to be (including shutting off lights and ensuring areas are cleaned up when she leaves the room), then you do not get to participate in the next thing that's going on."

Example: "It's dinnertime, DD. But if your area is not cleaned up when it's ready, then you'll be unable to eat. We'll really miss you at the table."

"We have a cool movie to watch, but we all have some chores to do first. If your laundry isn't in the hamper and you aren't showered when we're all ready to watch, then I guess you can't join us."

For the showers, I'd go old school on her. Tell her that she is to take a shower on whatever days you require her to have them, no later than whatever time you want her to have been showered. For kids, evening showers are usually easier. If she doesn't, you will get in the shower with her and scrub her down with a loofah sponge. The utter embarrassment of mom doing that is enough to motivate....but be prepared to do it should she attempt to test you.

Also, make a rule: If it looks clean and smells clean, she can wear it. But once it looks or smells dirty, it must go in the laundry. Let her know, if she refuses to put her dirty, smelly clothing into the laundry, YOU will put them in the dumpster. Be prepared to back up your warning.

She's at the age where she's going to see just how far she can go in her independence. Some things can be ignored. Some battles aren't worth fighting. And some are. So pick your battles, be inventive, and you'll get through it.

♥
C. Lee

I double duty for eye rolls. I absolutely hate them!! When my kids get into one of those moods I figure they must need practice in accepting responsibilities willingly so I give them more to do.

Man, I could have written this post about my GD who just turned 11 last weekend! I too have noticed that anytime I ask her to do anything, she doesn't roll her eyes because she knows better than that, but I do get a big sigh and she kind of slumps forward, head down and her steps get a bit heavier. I won't say she stomps her feet, but the steps are a bit heavier.

I am sooo tired of it already! Because she does go to do what is asked, I have been letting it slide for the most part because I remember being a kid and didn't think it was right that I always had to act happy, even when I wasn't. So, I want to give her the freedom to somewhat express her feelings by her actions, as long as she doesn't get disrespectful about it. To me, the eye rolling is disrespectful so that wouldn't fly with me. The sighs and slumped shoulders I can live with as long as she's on her way to do what's asked of her.

But the forgetfulness is really irritating. Suddenly she can't remember anything! So, I've now given her a list of her daily responsibilities and a time by which they must be completed. Of course, she pushes that envelope also. She is supposed to be IN THE SHOWER no later than 8:00. She keeps pushing to where she's just starting to get ready to get in the shower at 8:00. She is grounded after school today because she was not IN the shower by 8:00 last night. I know it sounds picky, but I'm trying to teach her to be responsible for herself, and how to meet deadlines. I'm trying to teach her that when you have a deadline, you don't wait until the last minute because things can come up and cause you to miss the deadline.

Yes, it does seem like it's starting early. I don't remember having this trouble with my daughter until like 12 or 13! That's when she went into her room one night and came out the next day a completely different person that I didn't know!

Yep Hormones..

It so hard to remember what it all felt like to be that age.. But try.

They are moody, tired, their thoughts are flying through their heads so fast. They have trouble concentrating and when it is brought to their attention they become defensive.

No one like to be told how bad they are, how forgetful they are and how their attitudes are so awful..

So, you go back to the way you treated them as toddlers.. Give them heads up.. "I need you to go to your room and find your better attitude."

Let them know the plans. Give them some options (options you can live with).. and also empathize with them.. And then tell them you appreciate their help.

"It makes me feel disrespected when you roll your eyes and sigh. No one likes to clean the bathroom."

"I need you to pick up all of these papers in about 10 minutes. because Mr. Smith is going to be here for a meeting. Thank you. Sorry for the late notice, but she just called." Thank you for helping me.

"I am starting dinner, so in a few minutes, please set the table. Dinner will be ready in 30 minutes. Thank you."

"Tomorrow, we will be running errands starting at 9:00. I think we will come home for lunch and then finish the errands at about 3. I emailed the errands so you can help me remember."

"I know you wanted to sleep in, but maybe you can take a nap when we get home.. Or Maybe you can just veg out tomorrow night instead..I may go to bed early myself"

While I am certainly not a licensed therapist, do you think there might be something going on? At that age, hygiene is often critical in the minds of pre-teens. It is an awkward stage (puberty, first period, 'relationships' bullying?) and to suddenly not be interested could mean something more is going on....or it may not. It could really be laziness. If that is the case, take away privileges as previously mentioned. I am not one to tolerate disrespect, especially at an age where they can understand what they are doing. Hugs and best of luck....not looking forward to it myself!

I think I would try a deeper, exploratory conversation when you are both not upset and it's not a time of conflict.

"I'm noticing that when we ask you to do XYor Z, it seems that you feel it's a chore. I'm really glad you do follow-through, but I am wondering what it is that you are finding upsetting/bothersome."

Does she not want the reminders? Then, I'd hand it back to her: "how do you want to make sure these tasks get done, so I don't have to remind you? I feel pretty lousy and angry with you when you are rude to me. Rolling your eyes and acting put-upon when I am asking you to do things to help yourself-- this doesn't feel like a good way for us to be with each other."

See what she has to say. Maybe it's an appropriate time to say "you know, why don't you think about a plan which might work for you, I'll think about what might work for me, and let's have a date tomorrow to make a plan about this."

It may be that she needs some peer correction to light a fire under her. (This is, unfortunately, the experience of having a peer tell her that she's stinky.) It may be that you will need to inform the teacher that you are going to let her try it her way for a while and that she will self-monitor her actions/tasks.

What you can do, too, is figure out what your position is and what the consequences are.
*If your clothes do not make it to the hamper, I will not be washing them for you. If you choose to wash them, you must run them in a full load of the same color/type. (You've taught her how to do laundry, right?)

*If you choose not to shower, that's your choice. However, if your body odor gets too much, be prepared that we may not want to take you out with us sometimes.

*Give her one set of dishes that are separate from the family's. She is completely responsible for her own dishes. If they are a problem for you, set them to the side/in a dishpan under the sink. Make them her responsibility-- she needs to make her dishes clean before she can put food on them. Don't wait meals for her in this case.

*Every time she leaves her lights on, that's a nickel. Be judicious-- if she's just going to the bathroom, cut her some slack, but if the light is on when she leaves for school or longer times and you come across it, document it.

*Give her the job of bathroom/toilet cleanup. "You know, when you don't flush your urine, the toilet gets dirty faster. So, I'll need you to scrub the toilet every Saturday if you don't want to flush."

Make an effort to acknowledge the good moments, the times when she's doing well with this. When her attitude is pleasant, take her out for a little cafe date, some one-on-one time. Go window shopping at the mall and just listen to what she's interested in. Open up those conversations.

Have you read 'How to Talk So Kids Will Listen--and how to Listen so Kids will talk" ? This book is still one of my favorites, with tried and true communication techniques which work with kids and adults. Authors Faber and Mazlish suggest that any time you try a new plan, give it two weeks before making any decisions as to 'is it working/isn't it working'. You may want to make a chart of "Did I remember to: take a shower, put dirty clothes in the wash, flush the toilet, turn off lights...etc" that she can check off each day over the course of two weeks. Non-verbal reminders are often more well-received. Let her have her own copy, and you keep one, too. This way, when you come back to the conversation after two weeks, you both have some documentation of what she did/you observed. This will give you more feedback about what she's catching on her own, left to her own devices, and what she isn't.

For what it's worth, my son is nearly six and if he *just* rolled his eyes or sighed these days, I would consider this a vast improvement to the season he's in right now. I'm being consistent with sending him to cool off in his room when he's mad about being asked to do things. If he uses potty language ("I think it's a stupid poopy butt.." ) I send him to his room for 15 minutes every.time. THAT is where he can use that language. If it's a small grumble and then he goes and does what's asked of him, I try to let it go. I'm more of an observer, and try to let his actions help me decide how I will deal with other moments later in the day. I have, a few times, just taken a time-out myself, leaving the room: "I'm not interested in helping you/being around you right now. I don't feel good when you are yelling at me, so I'm going to take a break." Sometimes, this elicits more pleasant behavior because he is really wanting connection. I do try to give empathy "I know you didn't want to stop doing Legos to clean up your space. I get it. And just go get it done and then you can go back to playing." I know, though, that when he's eleven, I'm going to be putting more responsibility in his hands and asking him to help solve his own problems. I'd rather empower him to deal with his challenges than to just punish because he's being unpleasant. He will always have things he doesn't want to do, right? So I want him to figure out how to do those things without alienating others/shooting himself in the foot by complaining.

They're all seasons, aren't they? Sorry this is so long... I hope that you can find something in here which works for you.

Eye rolling and deep sighs and not ignored here, regardless of completing the task. The behavior does come with the teens, but being disrespectful doesn't.

Well, you know that she values cheerleading, so I'd use that as an incentive to get her to cooperate. When we didn't cooperate with my mom, she'd keep us home from our sports practices, which usually meant that our coach wouldn't let us play in the next game. We learned very quickly to be cooperative.

During a drug awareness presentation at our school district, one of the presenters said that the reason teens are so difficult is that their brains are actually changing - pruning is the word they used. Some parts die, new parts grow. Of course, it's also behaviorial, but it's not all their fault.

Here's a link with some interesting info.
http://www.projectcornerstone.org/wordpress/2011/11/01/th...

Google teen or pre-teen brain development. Also check out Love and Logic re. parenting through the teen years. Call and ask about facilitators in your area. Some classes are cheap or free :)

My son tried it a few times.
I told him I expect a whole lot more gratitude and a whole lot less attitude or else things will not be going well for him at all.
Work WITH me and life can be sweet.
If you give me grief - life WILL be miserable.

This sounds very much like my 9 year old daughter. We do not at all tolerate nor accept bad attitudes or disrespect. My daughter loses privileges as well as gets put on restriction to where all she is allowed to do is go to school, do her homework, take a shower, and eat. This can work some of the time but sometimes she's extra cranky and it doesn't work.

Whenever things get pretty intense and cranky with her I have her take a time out and do deep breathing. We then have a talk about what is going on. My daughter is being raised to know that she does have a voice and will always be heard but she is a child so there are going to be times she will have to do things she may not want to.

In our case I always try to have a positive attitude about life in general and in spite of her negativity and disrespect I try to present it to her in a way that makes sense. For instance, if she's being mouthy or giving me dirty looks, I ask her how she would feel if a friend or if I did that to her. Most of the time it brings her back to reality and makes her realize that she is the only one responsible for her behavior and she wouldn't want to be treated that way.

Good luck. I hope you're able to get through this stage without too much aggravation.

I'm not sure where the view of "this is part of being a teen" came from. Do teens do this? Yes. Do ALL teens do this - no. For our DD (now 13), correction started the first time she whined when she was just old enough to talk and express an opinion. Whining/eye rolling is not an acceptable behavior in our house. Talking disrespectfully to us is not either. The first time she snapped at me, my husband told her calmly that I was his wife before I was her mother and nobody was going to talk to me that way. There has never been a door slammed or feet stomped more than one time (if that) in our house. It just isn't an option.

Talk to your daughter and tell her gently how much you love her and exactly what you expect of her as a growing young woman. For us, it has a lot to do with having a Christian household. We are very involved in our church. We all serve in one way or another. I don't see any teenagers in our church rolling eyes or giving anyone attitude. Back up the train a little and let your daughter know that hormones may be kicking in, but what she chooses to do with those changes can be positive. Best of luck to you.

I had to learn this the hard way. I had 5 teenagers at one time in my home. My #2 was big on the disrespect. He and I went round and round.

I ignored the silent disrespect at first. BIG MISTAKE! It let a bad habit and bad attitude become his norm. Then I had to work all the harder to get that bad habit stopped.

Its part of being a teen, but it doesn't have to be. They are looking to see how far they can go and how much they can get away with and how much you will tolerate. Its the terrible twos 10 years later all over again.

Remember, YOU are the parent and YOU set the rules/standards. Because you are the parent, the hard task of educating and enforcing is totally yours.

Its the end of the hardest part of parenting IF you are able to gain or maintain control. Once you get past the teenage years, they find new respect for you and realize you are know a lot. But only if you persevere now.

I insisted that he do the jobs that he was assigned to do. I did it with force if that was the only way, but with reason if I could figure a way to do it. Example: We had a jobs schedule. I had 8 kids so we had 8 weeks of jobs to do and one week of "vacation" from jobs. (My wife took one week.) The jobs went from easiest and progressed to most difficult (and most hated, ie washing dishes) If you failed to complete your job by Saturday night, you kept that job and got the next one until you completed the old job. My #2 decided he wasn't going to do the dishes. So they piled up and up. The week after dishes was vacation. When I cooked dinner (my job which didn't rotate), the child who set the table, ran out of clean dishes to set. So I forced #2 to wash enough dishes for everyone to have clean dishes and silverware. Then we had dinner. I went to town and bought more dishes. Everyone got a clean dish and silverware except #2. He went and rinced a plate off. I told him he had to wash all the dishes before he got to eat off a clean plate again. The next day he had to eat off of a really dirty plate (I picked it out) and silverware. He ate dinner and then started washing dishes. It took him over 4 hours to wash all the dishes by hand. That solved the dishes issue for a long time.

Good luck to you and yours.

I have an 11 year old daughter, and when is gets in one of her moods (they started at 8-they have been better for us). You can mention the eye rolling, by keeping things simple. What ever it is you want her to do give her a choice. The choice is you can eye roll(or use the words poor choice behavior) and not do what is expected or the consequence (not get to what ever their desired activity is for the day). It is like dealing with an 18 month child in a bigger body all over again. Good luck!

Whenever my students would whine, I would whine right back. They would look at me like I was nuts. I would say, "Yeah, I don't like it when you talk like that either. Try again." They learned quickly that whining was NOT the way to get what they wanted in my classroom.

How often does she ask you for things? What would she do if you gave her the same reaction she gives you?

If the child does what you asks, I might just ignore it or say something like "Ugh! I know I am the worst mother in the world for requesting my smelly daughter take a shower!" (but that is my sarcastic humor at the surface).

However, if it were my child, I would probably expect more simply because all of those things are a lack of respect, not only towards you but towards herself. I wouldn't want my child to get in the habit of thinking it is okay to roll eyes and sigh for any adult. It might be part of being a teen, but teens also need to learn that it is not okay, just like a terrible two needs to learn that hitting is not okay. You TEACH a child not to hit. You need to TEACH a teen to act and react in a respectful manner.

You just described my 12 yr old daughter especially about the shower part! It's like geez don't you want to be clean?!? Took her months to bring home her PE clothes for a wash.. ugghh. And I can assure you there is nothing else going on with her, it's just that awful tween/teen age kicking in.

Anyhow we don't tolerate the disrespect. She loses phone time, computer time, outings with friends, allowance, all depending on the severity of the offense/disrespect. This is a tough age no doubt about that.

I believe discipline for attitude is as important as for actions. If you let that eye rolling and attitude go prepare for much worse before it's over, if it ever truly is. Discipline her for that now and she'll learn to respect you and 'remember' much better about chores. Talk and be firm, don't be negative or raise your voice, but be sure she knows it's not acceptable or tolerated.
That's my advice after having to deal with this many times. It's not fun.

@@
:::::::sigh::::::::
ah, the fun of tween girls. haven't had one myself, but i WAS one, and have friends and nieces.
so long as she's complying i would grit my teeth and ignore the eyeballs and sighs. it is soooooo important for the dramatic little teens-in-training to 'express themselves.'
pick your battles, mama.
this too shall pass.
:) khairete
S.

One way to improve the attitude of the teenage girl is to take her shopping. First stop, the bath shop. Next get a couple of new articles of clothing, have lunch, etc. She could be low in vitamin D-maybe get that checked out-it has been a long winter! Good luck!

My 14 year old son is like that. But the showers he remembers which I am thankful for. But we have to remind him to do his chores and the eye roll and heavy breathing is normal. But no I don't talorate it. When he gets like that he gets in lots of trouble and a lot of times grounded.

We are at age 7 and by this time my older daughter had already set in her ways of eye rolling and pouting every time I asked for something. My 7 year old #2 has started, but I stopped it. Sometimes she will act up and I just go lie down on the coach and tell her if she can't appreciate me, I am going to relax and have some me time. She can't stand it and for the most part it has stopped.

The older daughter and I do laugh about the difference in attitude and she knows she gave me problems at this age.

I say, don't allow it.