Extremely Shy 4 1/2 Year Old - Possibly W/ Social Anxiety?

He may have a slow-to-warm up temperament, possibly more introverted, and those are traits that are not necessarily encouraged in our society. But, can be fabulous.

With my daughter, we practice, practice, practice polite interaction. She does not have to play, she can be right by my side, but she must acknowledge other people kindly.

She, too, does not like attention drawn to herself. Being noticed and then people making all kinds of remarks are absolutely the last thing an introvert wants. Even when they're proud of themselves; all that attention, EEK!

I get all this because I'm an introvert too. And she/we have fantastic qualities. Great listeners, observant, very loyal to friends and family, but we have to work at stepping outside of our comfort zones.

There is nothing wrong with your son. Nothing. If you know that, he will know that too and will help him gain confidence. I do take my daughter to places that she may not love or put her in situations she's not comfortable with so that she knows that she can handle it. She can negociate it with words or with my help.

You could help him to verbalize. "I just want some space right now." "I think I just want to sit here right now." You can educate other people, "He may just need a little time, he's just fine."

Look up slow-to-warm up temperment. Don't leap to the clinical diagnosis of social anxiety. We're all on a continuum of comfort in social situations. He may just need more time with strangers.

My little guy is 27 months, somewhat shy with family he doesn't now well, so I encourage him to talk and socialize with them with me nearby. I try to discourage him gently from clinging to me. My older two were shy as well, would cling to me at first but always allowed themselves to be comfortable after "testing the waters."

One of the comments you made made me think: "His teachers tell me he is fine after I drop him off and leave and I know he is because several times when I've picked him up, before he notices me, he is playing and interacting with the other kids." So I'm thinking that maybe the fact that you ARE there in social situations and available for him to cling to is a part of the problem. Try busying yourself with something so he can't cling to you, even make a short trip outside to "Look for something." With a birthday party situation I would recommend the same thing, you or dad busy yourselves so he can't stay right next to you, unless he follows you wherever you go and whatever you do, but I would stress I "have to do this and can't sit down or be in the room right now." With the host's permission you could also excuse yourself from the get-together, say you need to leave for a bit, and sit outside unbeknownst to your son to see how he responds to your leaving.

I think a self-defense class would be beneficial for him. My nephew attends tae kwon do, and his mom can sit in the van in front of the studio and watch the classes, but she's not right there in the room for him to constantly look to, which he'd been doing. Leaving him at some sports practices or games could be difficult, parents are often expected to participate in some way, children need their parents there for support and encouragement, and it may even be required for a parent or guardian to be there in view of his age.

The one thing that does indicate to me that there could be a more serious problem than simple shyness is the fact that he kept his eyes closed for over an hour. I realize that he was trying to not let people see him, but I would have told him he was being rude and that he needed to open his eyes. If he continued I would have told him he was going to a room I asked the in-laws for him to use, that I wouldn't allow him to be rude, and that if he didn't want them to see him he would spend his time in the designated room where they couldn't.

I can understand him not wanting "attention" to a hairstyle or clothing, I used to be somewhat the same way when younger. Encourage him to help pick out his own clothing and hairstyles, give him a choice between A and B, two things you can live with either way. I did this with my older two and now with my youngest, and something about making a choice makes them better able to live with it ; )

Also, since I'm not an expert on social anxiety in children I took the liberty of finding an informational article I hope will be beneficial to you, I learned a lot from it myself:
http://www.klis.com/chandler/pamphlet/socphob/socphobpamp...

Being that he doesn't hyperventilate, panic or get hysterical tells me it's not social anxiety yet. But if you conclude your son may truly be suffering from this make an appointment with his pediatrician to get the ball moving on intervention and treatment. God bless.

some people just have shy personalities. It's not anxiety or any type of disorder. I am very shy and have been forever. People used to think there was something wrong with me, but I really just need time to warm up. You can't change his personality, that is the way he is, and there is nothing wrong with that. Sometimes it's a good thing to be shy, observant, and cautious.

I'm about as introverted as a person can be. My extroverted mom was forever trying to "fix" me by pushing me into every possible social situation. She was convinced for years that enough exposure would make me into a different kind of person. She was frustrated when I became old enough to resist her efforts. And I did develop severe social anxiety for most of my childhood. I think I would have been more comfortable and happier if she had just respected and supported who I actually was.

To this day, I have a strong tendency to judge myself as deficient, socially awkward, and even unlikable, in spite of all evidence to the contrary. I think this is largely due to my own mother never being able to support the real me.

As I grew up, I was able to find the social situations that worked for me. I have friends, I am successful and happy. But I was miserable as a child, and it wasn't from loneliness. I hope you will give your son lots of room to be who he is. You will never be able to change a shy introvert into a comfortable extrovert.

I think the less emphasis you place on getting him to act more sociable, the more room he'll have to notice that he has choices that are not being forced upon him before he's comfortable making them himself.

My son, who just turned 5, has a very similar personality type. Bright, has close friends, but very, very slow to warm up and uncomfortable in new situations.

What seems to be working for us is this: Accept that your son has this basic personality and that it comes with so many wonderful qualities, and then work on the problems that are really problems. If it's something that sounds fun but clearly won't work for my son (e.g, silly hair day), we let it go. If it's something that sounds like a great opportunity but a little scary, or if there's a risk that my son could appear to be rude (happens more and more as shy kids get older), I try to sit down with my son and come up with a strategy. He's been willing to sign up for a lot more classes (swimming, soccer, etc.) provided his best friend signs up too. And we have a rule on politeness: N has to answer two or three questions from well-meaning adults, and then he's allowed to say "Excuse me, it was nice to meet you, but I'd like to play with my friend [or cousin, if we're with family] now." Not perfect, but a big improvement over hiding in my lap.

I hope this helps,

Mira

Well I can't give you any advice for how to bring him out of his shell but I can tell you that it sounds like you just described my son who is 6. He is so outgoing around family, everyone is convinced he will be in theater. At school and at other events, he won't even say hello...if I'm around. He tells me its because he is shy. I've worried about him because he is very close to his younger brother who is extremely extroverted. I worry that my older son will be left behind when his brother starts making friends this year in preK.

I tell myself everyday, this is just his personality. Not every child is a social butterfly and as long as his teachers are telling me that he is fine at school, I'm just leaving it alone. I think the reason my son does it is because #1, he gets the attention from me when he acts like that and #2 he isn't athletic therefore has no interest in what the other kids his age are doing. He is fine when a friend comes over one on one. Maybe talk with his teacher to find out what child he gravitates to and then invite that child over for a one on one play date, even if its a girl. Making that connection is important and it may be easier if its on his turf.