Extreme Seperation Anxiety at Age 3

Hi J.!

Both of my boys went through this a little bit younger than 3 years old. It can be very frustrating, indeed. But, for whatever reason......they needed me constantly and it was my job to make them feel secure.

I began saying my EVERY move "outloud" so they could hear what I was doing. Even when I rotated the laundry they would help :o) They also wanted to be with me when I went to the bathroom. It was frustrating, but if/when I got myself all upset about everything, it didn't do any good. It only produced tears. So, I had to REALLY adjust my way of thinking and my level of patience.

So, if you're looking for advice, then I would have to say to be really patient. It doesn't last forever and your boy needs to feel secure with you :O) You and he are creating a bond that will last forever with him. He's not playing a "game" with you about needing you by him, it's a real sense of security that he needs for whatever reason, and you are the only one in his life who can make him feel that secure :O) What a compliment :o)

So, just keep announcing your every move, and inviting him to come with you for every laundry rotation, bathroom break, etc.... He'll eventually realize that he's not missing anything!

Merry Christmas!

~N.

I know this is really frustrating. May I suggest a daily game of hide-and-seek? This worked wonders for my kids. If he's never played before you'll have to explain the game (very excitedly of course!)and make sure you 'hide' in a very obvious spot so he finds within seconds. After a few rounds you can make it a little harder to find you (just a little harder). This really helped my kids realize that I am never really gone and will always return. It also showed them that if we were ever separated, I would search for them. As he gets comfortable with the game he will choose to leave the room to hide. Can you even imagine it? :o) I know it sounds silly, but it can really make a difference. True security is not a matter of proximity and this can help him learn that. And the bonus is alot of fun with your son playing hide and seek!

Hi there,

We have been through this. My niece had extreme separation anxiety ages 2-3 years. I did as a child too. My children had milder separation anxiety in preschool and one had phobias then. We didn't "get it" at the time though because our kids could hang in there at preschool. However, what was happening is our kids were suffering anxiety without tools and we were not really helping them.

When a family crisis hit and our second grader developed a (temporary) serious anxiety disorder we had to get real help. We took our 2nd grader to a Phobease class at Kaiser Hospital in Vallejo and had her sibling tag along sometimes. Our children did not "connect" with the Phobease class, but I took Dr. Leibgold's tools home and used them gradually, successfully with my kids and myself.

Our children, now preteens, are both fine and thriving and come to me when they get anxious. They can identify their irrational fears and together we explore tools they feel like applying at that moment and when they go back to school. I'm glad we had that earlier crisis (randoms event that resolved) because it forced us to learn about anxiety and how to help our kids.

It's hard to help a really young child though. You may want to check out Phobease and/or talk to a professional to get help. Thinking of help as about building life skills to deal with fear may lower your own stress level now. People always told me, the less I worry about my kids worrying, the better my child will do (stress is contagious.) I have found there is truth to this.

Hang in there!

Hi J.,

You don't want to reinforce fear by telling them its scary when you go away. You should be empathetic but you should not be telling your child that there is something to fear when you are not at his side at all times. Gentle firmness is needed and reinforce the fact that he is safe and there is nothing to fear. I would welcome a child to walk along side of me to go do my chore if they felt they needed to, but I would not allow a child to keep me from the chore, hang on my leg or hide behind my legs when others are present, (like i've seen some kids do.) That is allowing a behavior that, as the child gets older... will look disrespectful to others. My 6 yr old neice STILL hides behind mom, wont say hello, etc. If the child threw a fit and threw himself on the foor crying, I would allow him to do so as I calmly went and did the chore.(assuming its a quick step into an adjacent room) And when I got back, i'd tell him that there was nothing to fear, nothing bad happened to him, etc.. and that he is welcome to come with me next time. That's just me . That's how I parent.

I would gently encourage and use POSITIVE statements, even such things as "you are doing great" "you are being a brave boy" "I like it when you hold my hand to the laundry, and that you are walking like a big boy" "it's nice of you to help mom with the laundry". Even if he is whining about it, keep telling him reafirming statements. A famous insightful quote was "tell them they are what you want them to become". And another quote, this one from the Bible " call all things that are not as though they were".
Your child will rise to meet whatever label you give him and whatever expectation you have.

My daughter went through the same thing. It lasted about a year. I have heard of other 3 years old doing so as well. I just went along with it as much as I could and tried to be reassuring. She was too young to understand that I would always be back or to understand about time.

Now, she is almost five and happy to be with her dad and/or me, but still not ready for babysitters or strangers.

She is also highly gifted, and intelligence is correlated with anxiety.

DEar J.,
I am so glad you are able to be a sahm. That is wonderful. I don't think your son is having separation anxiety as much as control issues. But you can train him to change this behavior. He needs to learn to feel safe in any environment. YOu are not his safety net. It is also trust that needs to be built. So this is what I have done with my 7 kids.
Early on I start playpen time (6 mths) for 20 min. I build it up to 1 hour. During that time, I am out of sight. It teaches them a little independance and to entertain themselves. As they get bigger we have room time. I put a gate across the door. Again I build up the time. They have just a few toys at a time and I mix it up. This eventually turns into quiet time each afternoon. They learn to trust that you go away and will come back for them. HE WILL hate this at first. HE WILL scream his head off. You have to be stronger than him. Good luck. God Bless.
Any questions, just ask.
Stac

All children are different, so don't pay attention to anything you read online.

You will probably just have to let him outgrow it, and nurture him in the meantime, however I suggest you try the "mirroring" technique. Don't try to talk him out of his fear, instead when he's crying because you've left the room, give him a hug and then say things to him like, "it sure is scary when mommy goes away, isn't it." Mirroring is the most amazing thing ever. When you mirror their emotions like that, you will actually calm them down and make them more secure.

You will think that saying something like that will make it worse, but it has the opposite effect. Try it, I promise it works!!

Hi J.. I am the mother of one girl, stepmom of two boys and grandmother to seven grandchildren and I will tell you that no matter how happy they were to go with others when they were smaller, when they turned three that all changed. I found that at three they started to cry when I put them to bed or they would ask to go home before bedtime and just didn't want to spend the night. they got over it but then again at age 7, they started it again for a short period of time. don't know what the deal is, I just know that most of the children I've raised had separation anxiety for no apparent reason when they were three. Go figure! He'll get over it just as suddenly as it started.

Hi J.,

I think N. P's advice is right on below. I also think that if you are really unsettled by this sudden change in behavior, I might check with his pediatrician. Just to make sure that he is not struggling with some unknown inner conflict that a dr might be able to recognize and provide solutions for. Best of luck.
N.

Hello J.,
This last weekend I realized my daughter has a touch of social anxiety and I was looking around on the Internet about that. I don't think your son has that, but there are a lot of good books about fears and concerns and worrying on amazon (kids books). You could even try to read a book about social anxiety and how to deal with that, since I think (not sure, just assuming) are fear based issues. My big fear is unknowingly nurturing it.
Just a thought and best of luck!

What does he say he is afraid of? I took care of a grandaughter who was likethat at two. I went to her Sunday School class with her for most of a year, but I told her when she was three she would be big enough to go by herself. Sure enough, the Sunday before her third birthday, she said she would stay by herself, and from then on she was very happy to have me leave her there; it seemed she had a real sense of accomplishment. But it seems that at three to start the behavior there must be something that has frightened him. Did he see a scary movie, or person in real life that scared him?