Explaining Death to a 3 Year Old - Overland Park,KS

I woud get her a book from the library about death. We have a great book called "Grandpa answers to the earth" its a story of how a boy comes to term with his granddad's death.

I just had to deal with this for my mom just passed away. I had a crisis team there with me and they told me to say that she has died. Not to used passed away, gone, sleeping, etc as that just confuses kids. You need to say that she has died and explain what will happen next with the services/burial/etc. Say that it is ok to be sad that we will not get to do all the fun things we have been able to in the past. And then ask her what she remembers doing with the great-grandma. Say the best thing to do is remember all the good times we had with her. Never hide the fact that you are sad to your kids. Cry in front of them. Tell them that it is OK to be sad and cry, but everyday will get a little easier. Depending if you're religious, you can bring the Lord into it saying she is now with Him and has a room in his house. That she is happy and perfect.

And then, wait until she teaches you a little about death. My 5 year old was the one to tell me that she is watching over us, that I can talk to her anytime and that we will see her again when we die. I NEVER told him all of that. It is exactly what I believe, but hearing it from him was amazing.

This is going to be a really tough time, but you and your family will get through it. I don't have any advice about what to do if she sees her in the coma, my moms death was sudden and didn't have to deal with all of that.

This is always a tender subject, but kids are often much more resilient than we give them credit for. They are learning so much, and death is one more thing to learn about. And truly, since death is an inevitable part of every life, we do them a great service to make it a topic that we can talk about.

With the death of his great-grandmother and a family dog, my toddler grandson did well with the explanation that everybody gets to take a turn, at being a baby, a child, and usually a grown-up and an old person. Everybody who gets a turn at life also gets a turn to die, so that new babies (puppies, etc,) will have room to take their turns.

And usually, dying happens when a person's body gets too tired, too sick, or hurts too much, and so the person is peaceful about taking their turn to die. Then they don't have to hurt or work so hard to stay alive any more.

My grandson is now 5, and is comfortable (and very tender) talking about death. He likes to linger over pictures of his GG once in awhile, or hug the box of his dog's ashes and meditate on how much he loved them. He sheds a tear or two (sometimes seeking approval of the adults in the vicinity), and then he goes on with his happy life. Sadness and loss are normal and endurable, and kids take many cues on how to handle any sort of stress from what they see in their parents' reactions.

I wish your family well.

I'm sorry for your loss and hope your family the best through their journey of grief.
Talking to kids can be tough when it comes to how to explain death. I do grief counseling and have friends and colleagues who run childrens groups for grief and loss. Two things come to mind in thinking about how to talk with kids about this subject. One, make sure you use very direct and concrete language. Don't say "we lost great-grandma" or "great-grandma pasted away." Because that doesn't mean anything or means something different to a child. Use "died" and "death." Second, try to explain the concept with familiar experiences/objects. One of the best ways I have seen this done is by talking about leaves. Most kids are familiar with how leaves on the tree are green and "alive" (they are soft and flexible). When they they turn colors they are getting ready to fall off the tree (you can explain this as getting very sick or getting old). When the leaf falls off the tree it has died (it is hard and crunchy and no longer "works"). While the tree grows new leaves the next year, that particular leaf/body has stopped working and died...and will not come back. You can explain that when bodies get really old or sick, they stop working and the person dies. You can then add whatever you believe happens to the soul/spirit of the person (the part that makes great-grandma, great-grandma).
I've seen this work with many young kids and have used it with my own. You may need to explain it a number of times and keep reminding her that great-grandma's body stopped working and died...and that it won't start working again. Make sure to talk about good times and memories she had with her great-grandma, the last thing you want to teach kids is that its not ok to talk about people who have died because it is too hard for others to talk about it. Validate that she misses her and that you miss her too and that you can always remember good and fun times you had with her.
All the best,

Depending on how much she gleans from books, Tomie dePaola's Nana Upstairs and Nana Downstairs is a great book about family, grandparents, and loss.

I'm so sorry for your family during this time. There is no easy way to go through this, really. It is good that you are visiting first to decide if it is a good idea for your daughter. =(

I would keep it simple and age appropriate. Grandma was very sick and died. When people die they go to heaven and we can't see them anymore, but because we love them we'll always remember them.

Most questions that they'll ask (how do you get to heaven? what happens in heaven? etc) can be answered with: we don't know until it happens to us OR it's up to God OR it's magic - it all depends on your religious/spiritual beliefs.

At least, that's what I plan on telling my girls when my grandma passes (which in inevitable).

I'm sorry for your loss....

We just went through this with my 5.5 yr old and 3.5 yr old now 6 and 4 when my father (which they both were very, VERY close too) passed away. My daughter (6) and I are still remembering and grieving a lot. My son now 4 really doesn't remember much, doesn't bring it up and doesn't cry about it. We brought him with to everything we explained many things to him and have read books to him talking about Heaven (not sure if you are a believer in Heaven) What I have learned is to not be disheartened if your little ones show no real emotion to the ordeal they are just too young to fully grasp it. We didn't shelter them from anything although my father died unexpectidly in his sleep so they didn't see a progression towards death. The only thing I wish my 6yr old never hear was that my father passed (died) in his sleep. Has brought up some issues.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. My daughter is about to be three and when she was 2.5 we lost a beloved family dog. My daughter and her were close little buddies. We were VERY careful with our language. Instead of saying that our dog was very sick and had to be put to sleep...which of course she wouldnt understand....we told her that our dog's body was broken and she had to go to heaven and be with God.

Not knowing what your beliefs are, I would suggest this was a somewhat understandable way of explaining things to her at that time. Only problem was she obviously cannot understand WHO God is. So after a few weeks, my toddler asked if she could go see God...in essence asking to go see our dog. :( So hard. She still now 4 months later will ask about her, and then say 'Lacey's body was broken and she is with God.' Who knows how much they understand.

The other thing I'd say is that you dont have to hide your emotions. Unless you are completly bawling, then it may scare her. I would often cry in front of my little girl over the loss of our dog. And she learned that I was sad. She would hug me and kiss me and ask if I felt better. I think it was a good lesson in emotions for her. It is better for her to learn that it is okay to feel sad and express it, than to feel all the tension and negative energy and not understand.

Finally, be sure to talk about her with your daughter. Share your fun memories and happy times. Often with greif, laughter can be healing.

There is a great book called "Lifetimes" that really helped with my daughter when she was five.

I am so sorry about your grandmother.

You can use a glove. With the glove on your hand, show her that this is like greatgrandma but greatgrandma had something bad happen in her brain and it hurt her and she died. And when she dies her body is like the glove and we are sad and we have to say goodbye to her, and take the glove off and it doesnt move anymore. But greatgrandma's spirit goes to heaven with Heavenly Father and she will be watching over you and your little brother and mommy so we can always feel her and that makes us happy. and then touch her and hug her so she can feel great grandmas love.
L. D

So sorry for what your family is going through. We just lost my 101 year old grandmother 3 weeks ago. My son will be 4 in May and he saw her nearly every day of his life. I just explained that she was going to be in heaven and we wouldn't get to see her anymore but we would always love her and she still loves us. The hard part for me was trying to decide about taking him to visitation and the funeral. Which I ended up doing. He was telling me he wanted to see her, he wanted to see her, so I took him up and let him. I explained things again there and this would be the last time we got to see her body, etc. And he said it made him sad. He really did "get" it. When he would see me crying he would pat me on the back and tell me that it was going to be okay. And he stopped calling her house Grandma's house, now it's Aunt Steph's house. He made that connection on his own. I told him we were going over there a couple of days after the funeral and he said that Grandma wasn't there because she was at the funeral home and went to Heaven. I don't regret taking him to the services at all. I know what a hard thing this is, prayers for you and your family.

When my son was 3, he asked me if heaven was real or pretend. I told him that he has two kinds of eyes, two kinds of ears, etc. I told him that the eyes and ears we can touch with our fingers see and hear the kinds of things we can touch with our fingers. The other eyes and ears are the ones that see and hear our dreams at night. They also see and hear the things we remember, like what clothes we were wearing yesterday, a prayer we learned, or a song we hear in our heart. But, these are also the eyes and the ears that see and hear the things we imagine. So sometimes those inner eyes and ears see and hear things that are real and sometimes they see and hear things that are not yet real or may never be real.

Then I explained that when our bodies die and we no longer have the eyes and ears we can touch with our fingers, we will always have the eyes and ears that we use in our dreams and with them we will explore all the world of God. He understood this perfectly. I think it not only helped him understand heaven and death in a comforting and profound way, but it helped him also get in touch with his creative and artistic capacities. He never once, since that day, doubted the reality of life beyond this physical existence. He has even reported having many dreams in which he sees and communicates with grandparents who have passed. He considers this to be a very sweet and natural part of our eternal relationship with one another.

That is not to say that when his beloved grandmother passed he did not grieve deeply for nearly a year. He was 10 at that time and did not even want to talk about her life or her death. He was angry because spending time at her home was such a big part of his life and that was taken away.

It is very, very important to ask questions and to listen, listen, listen to what the child says. Allow them to have their feelings without trying to explain them away. When my son finally admitted that he did not even want to enjoy all the happy memories because he was still angry that she was gone and does not like to think about that, I first just let him be with that feeling for a few minutes. Then I asked him if God was in His heaven and if everything was as it should be. He agreed. Then I asked if Grandma was where she should be and he angrily disagreed. So, I just asked him to think about both of those ideas at the same time while I held him. Once I felt him start to relax and he was ready to listen to me (very important to wait for that moment), I told him that I would bet he had about a million really happy memories of Grandma and just a couple of sad ones. He agreed. Then I asked if he thought it might be okay to let himself enjoy all the happy ones and still remember the couple of sad ones sometimes. He thought for a while and then gently nodded his head and the constant anger was gone. I only wished I had known how to do this for him sooner.

Anyway, hope all this is helpful to you. This is what seemed to work for us.