Exclusion Seclusion

Why does everyone think every kid that makes their kid unhappy is a bully? Not picking on you but I keep seeing this and it is starting to bother me.

A bully seeks out the child to torment them kids don't walk up and ask to be bullied. He appears to be the popular kid not every kid gets to hang out with the popular kid that isn't a bad thing. So knowing that this child is not a bully should help you because you just tell him hanging out with and playing with the popular kid will not make you popular it only feels like it for a moment.

Be happy with real friends.

Yes, I think you are overthinking it.

"Excluding" people does not always constitute bullying. People, including kids, get to choose who they are friends with.

Eight years old is old enough to tell him, "Honey, it's sad when you can't join in some groups, but not everyone is going to be your friend. Go and find other people to play with."

Really, there is nothing else to say. If you had a group of women friends, would you want random people to be forced into your group?

He's happy, smart, and confident. Trust that he will be fine, and he will be able to make other friends. We should not be protecting our kids from real life lessons.

Gotta agree with Jo on this. I'm hugely anti-bullying, but I'm seeing way too many moms needing to interfere with all aspects of their kids' social lives. We need to trust in their ability to handle life.

Exclusion is still by definition bullying. I know you have tried to offer your son advice, and from experiencing my own daughter at that age I know my child might not have been comfortable with me going to the teacher or principle, but in this case I really think that is your only alternative. First, this may affect your child long term, he may start to withdraw from classroom activities, and as it bothers him more, his grades may take a down turn due to it as well...( this is from different studies that have been done regarding this type of bullying)
But maybe secondly because I am sure your son is not the only child who is also facing this type of bullying ( most likely due to the SAME child)
I think you owe it to your son and to the other children to bring it to a teachers or principles attention.
Not all children may have the same courage to talk to their parents regarding the situation.
I wish you luck, it is never fun knowing your child is being bullied. It is one of those times we feel pretty helpless as a parent.
Please update us = )

Remind him that these kids aren't worth his time or worry.

How many kids are at recess? Probably all the kids from his class and at least a few other classes, right?
If it's just a group of four not wanting to play with him I would not consider it bullying. Boys form cliques every bit as much as girls do and it sounds like your son wants to play with a group that does not want to play with him.
If this leader kid is acting like a bossy jerk (and you already have an opinion about his mom) I would just tell him to look for other kids to play with.
But honestly if your son WANTS to play with/be accepted by this group then there's not a whole lot you can do. Our children are driven every bit as much as we are to be accepted (by the so called "popular's") and sometimes that means learning the hard way :(

I am confused about why he has his own table at lunch. do they sit down and have food served to them at the table? is his allergy such that just being in close proximity to a food with peanuts will set off a reaction? just wondering. as to the bully question, in this case it just seems like normal kid behavior. if the other child is hitting, threatening, name calling, intimidating etc then I would consider him a bully. just tell your son to play with other kids, make up his own game, ignore the other kid etc. i wouldnt go to far with this or he may end up with a victim mentality thinking everyone is mean to him etc.

Diana, I think that you ought to go talk to the teacher and insist that the school handle this child. If he tells your son he can't play, that should mean that kid should have to sit out recess.

If you don't help your son stand up for himself, this other kid will continue to bully children up through the grades. If they nip this in the bud now, there's a chance that the kid will straighten out.

If that mother says anything to you about her feelings on food allergies, look her straight in the eye with NO apologies and tell her point blank that she doesn't know what she is talking about. Tell her to research it and find a "shot" for your son's allergy. After she knows, then she has something to talk about with you regarding your son's health.

People like her think they know everything and they are just ignorant. Sometimes you have to just tell them point blank that they are wrong to get them to shut up and leave you alone.

Dawn

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/bully

Using the word bully takes away from kids who are ACTUALLY being bullied

sounds like the bully's mom is a bully herself! I had to deal with this a little bit with my 8 yr old son. I was SO upset, I felt depressed for over a week. It is so painful to see your sweet son being picked on or secluded. My husband and I tried to tell him ways to handle it like, "play with someone else, play in a different area, tell the bully he is not able to tell him what to do, stand up for yourself," etc We started praying about it at bedtime, really hard, asking God to pleeeease help us learn the way to fix this and please help the bully to stop being mean. I had talked to the bully's mom over the summer b/c of something else and she actually shunned ME and now we don't speak! Shows you why her son is a bully!!! anyway, the bullying ended up stopping shortly after BUT if it had continued my next step was to go to the teacher confidentially and ask her to keep an eye on things. Chances are the teacher has seen this bully acting in ways that are not always nice even in class. Good luck.

Ok, I think you should privately talk to the teacher and tell her whats going on and you want this taken care of because it is bullying. This happened to my child, and I know the depression a mom has because you cant do anything to fix it. And with kids, they want to play in the group that they are being excluded from.
She had a class talk, didnt say my child name specifically at all, and said zero tolerance and how to play fair and nice.
It helped a lot.
Believe me, it does affect the child confidence level when they get excluded.

Bullying? I don't think so. Being mean? Yes. The fact of the matter is kids have a choice to play with different kids. If they don't want to play with a child they don't have to. But they do not need to be mean about it.

Your son sounds like a very well adjusted boy. If I were you, just stand back and see what happens. Let him navigate this. If things get out of hand then you can step in but don't hover.

As for the mom, she is ignorant. My reaction to her would have been "are you crazy" Do you have any clue what could happen to my child"? I would have also said that shots for food allergies do not exists. That being said, you can't cure stupid.

My advice, let your son work this out on his own. Let him know that you care and you can give him guidance but he needs to navigate this on his own. We cannot continue shield our kids and not let them learn for themselves.

How sad for your little one. He should not have to go through this but I imagine it will be something he has to endure the rest of his life.

My thoughts on the allergy thing. I understand how serious it is, I am allergic to tree nuts. I have had nice rides in ambulances to get shots of benedryl and lots of stuff I can't remember since most of them made me loopy.

It is the parents job to make sure their children are not exposed to allergins. It is your job to make sure he is safe.

I understand how serious this is and I can also say that if my child wants to eat PB&J every day for lunch that should be her choice and her right to have.

I also know that by segragating these kids to a safe table it is shining a light on them that they are different and that just makes them targets for bullies.

Obviously the mom is not going to speak to her child. The teacher is the next step then the principal. They should be protecting your child from any kind of bullying at all.

I don't think you are over reacting. This boys behavior needs to be stopped before it escalates. This is how bullying starts. He is obviously making up rules to exclude only your child. Yes, kids can pick their friends but he is trying to get others to alienate your child with his games. I would speak with the teacher about this . The mother is also setting a bad example for her son . Good luck :)

Wow. Some people's ignorance, poor judgment, and social ineptness is just amazing.
The butthead apple doesn't fall far from the butthead tree. People aren't born ignorant, intolerant, and nasty - it's a learned behavior. And that poor child is being groomed to behave in this unfortunate way. He's a victim as much as your son is.
Your son is typical and wants to be included. And the fact that he has severe food allergies may make him feel the need to be included even more.
I probably would say the same thing to him that you did - find some other kids, who are more decent and free-thinking to play with.
Why does the mom of the "bully child" care if there is a designated table for children with severe food allergies? Nothing is being taken away from her child's educational experience because of it.
People need to be educated about things. My first order of business would be to speak to an administrator. Let them know everything that is happening. Let them know that mom of "bully kid" has made inappropriate remarks about your child's special needs and criticized the schools response to providing accommodations for children with special needs. Which the school is required by law to do. If the children have health class or something like that, it would be wise to do a section on Food Allergies as well as the school do something to educate parents - a flier etc. There may be other children with severe food allergies who have not informed the school and an education campaign about allergies and food allergies may save a child's life.
And I know it would be completely inappropriate but wouldn't it be fun to ask the mom of the "bully kid" if she would like the school to have a designated table for bullies or kids who are raised by bullies.

Sounds like your son is pretty well adjusted! He understands that the other boy might act like this and is willing to take that chance and play with him anyway, pretty mature.

My son had a similar situation in 3rd grade. One boy brought a football every day and they picked teams, my son was either excluded or picked last every time. So he started bringing his own football; the kids still refused to play with him because the other boy would cause trouble if they did. We had a long talk about how many kids were out there, what other kids don't play football whom he could play with, and what he wanted to do. He chose to play with other kids or bring his soccer ball instead. Worked out well for all involved. Fast forward another year, the two boys learned to like and respect each other and are now friends.

I wouldn't consider this bullying, I would consider it picking teams. When I was little no one wanted me to play on their kickball team and I don't blame them, I sucked. During PE I was included, but on the playground I wasn't, for good reason. So I found other things to do. Not everyone will be a good fit as a friend for your child, just as he won't be a good fit for everyone either. Seems like he gets this, which is great! Encourage him to find other kids to play with and remind him that if he joins the other boys game and the other boy tries to exclude him he knew it was a possiblity. Let him deal with it, sounds like he's doing a good job.