Excluded from Family Photo at Stepdaughter Wedding

is this related to the strange question i just read?

it's a pity you were excluded, but i wouldn't pitch a fit. did she take a few nice just-you-and-her pics?

khairete
S.

I'm a stepmother married 30+ years with 2 stepdaughters and a bio child with my husband. I think it would have been fine if she took a few pics with just her mom and just her dad, and some with her dad and mom. My stepdaughter did some of that when she got marries.

However, I think it's very understandable for you to be upset that you were excluded from all photos - for many reasons, but especially if your own children were included and you were not.

Maybe her mother is vindictive and given to making a scene even after all these years? My husband's ex is pretty close to that although I did have a small role at the wedding and was not excluded. If you were just missing (like in the ladies room or talking to guests and didn't realize the photos were being taken - which can happen when there are a ton of people), then I think it's terrible that your husband and children didn't notice or say anything. If your stepdaughter gave a list to the photographer ahead of time, which most wedding couples do, then there should have been some on the list that said "bride/groom/bride's dad/bride's stepmom" or something like that. If your stepdaughter intentionally left you off the list, I think that's very sad. But I don't know what you can do about it now other than talk to your husband and figure out why he did what he did. Did he choose not to start a fight with his daughter on her wedding day? I can see that. And there's probably more to the story than what you've said here. Did he not notice that you weren't there? Then your problem is with him, and not with the others.

I don't know what you mean about financing and planning the trip yourself - doesn't everyone do that when they are traveling to a wedding? You're not saying you weren't invited, are you? You're not saying that your husband did one thing and you did another, right?

So, without knowing the background of your relationship with your stepdaughter, it's hard to say more. But your feelings are your feelings, and I know it would upset me if I were not asked to be in a photo or two. Not the photos around the reception tables when people are up and moving around, but the formal photos, yes.

I think your bigger problem is with your husband, the relationship he has fostered between you and his daughter (or not), and perhaps with his ex.

What I don't know is what you can do about it. And the anger will eat you alive. So get mad, get it out of your system, work on your husband so that nothing like this happens going forward, and move on. I know that seems impossible now. But you have to or you will be punishing yourself far more than she ever could.

I think you should make notes now and tuck them away for when your own children get married, to be sure that you never, ever make anyone else feel the way that you feel now. Sometimes the best revenge is a life well lived and a classy comportment against the slights of small-minded people.

If it seems like you have an otherwise warm relationship with your stepdaughter I can see how you would feel hurt/angry over being excluded.
How is your relationship with the girls mom?
It might be to try to keep the peace that the girl gave in to her moms wishes regarding the pictures and your husband might not have wanted to engage in a battle over it with his ex or spoil his daughters wedding by arguing with her about it.

While you feel what you feel - I've got pictures from my wedding 30 years ago and they haven't seen the light of day in decades.
Feel angry for a short time, then shake it off, have a good laugh and let it go.
Life's too short to hang onto anger for any length of time - it hurts you more than anyone else.

Well.....you don't give us a lot to work with. But here's my take:
1. you are not her parent. She wants a picture with her parents
2. that can be very hurtful and I am sorry that your feelings were hurt.

This has come up before, more than once, so you're not the first person (mom/stepmom) it's happened to. You can search up other questions in the search bar .. it seems to be a yearly occurrence every spring.

I find it odd when people ask if it's wrong to feel a certain way. You feel the way you feel. Are you justified, as in is she out of line, is she rude? I don't know who you are annoyed at - the ex wife, the stepdaughter, your kids, your husband .. seems like you're hurt by everyone's behavior at the wedding, which to me suggests it was one of those situations that was high-emotionally charged.

Aren't those kind of events kind of awkward to begin with? You're kind of low on the priority list. You're not the bride, and not the mother of the bride. Perhaps you were overlooked. I think dad was busy catering to his daughter and dealing with ex wife (probably not easy for him either) and everyone is just sort of dealing with stress at weddings or having fun.. and if they weren't thinking of you, I'd let it go.

It's unfortunate. I would have spoken up at the wedding, and said "I would love one of ..." and taken one of who you wanted in it. Then you'd have one that you would have liked.

You can feel angry it is okay.

Thank you for not causing a scene on her wedding day.

You don't know all the reasons why behind the scenes...maybe mom forked over big bucks for the photographer and put her own list in for photos. Maybe your step-daughter while having a good relationship with you just still wanted her parents together for the photos...I think that is a bit extreme not to include you in at least one with the bride or bride and groom.

But each of us has our weird things...putting your husband in the middle will cause huge strife for him. He probably just did as he was told stand there, smile, go there, smile and honestly men are not all that thoughtful about such things.

Feel the way you need to feel and try and not let it ruin your summer. (My cousin was very up front about no step-parents in the family photos...she wanted her parent and the rest of the family.) Then again she was paying for the whole thing and got exactly what she wanted. I'm sorry you were left out....blended families can be rough!!

Maybe you weren't there at the time they were taken? If you have a good relationship with her, there was probably no nefarious reason that you were left out. Maybe you were in the bathroom when everyone gathered for photos. That's happened to me before.

Get a digital copy and photoshop yourself in. That will be funny. And then let it go.

To be kind she should have included you in some photos. Your husband should have pulled her aside and quietly said to please be sure to include you in a photo or two. :(

This is the third time you've posted the same question using different words. Why?

We are never wrong with our feelings. However, what we do with our feelings can be wrong because we are hurting other people and are unable to move to a place of love. You are still angry over something that cannot be changed. You are blaming your husband and kids for something over which they had little control. By continuing to be angry you are hurting yourself. Perhaps you like being angry and enjoy and want to be at odds with your husband and kids.

You have some responsibility for not being in the picture. You chose to not be in the picture by assuming that the ex didn't want you in the picture. If she didn't say you were to be excluded, why would you come to the conclusion the step daughter and her mother didn't like you?

The wedding is over. Your husband and kids know you are angry with them. What do you gain by continuing to be angry? Why are your feelings more important than the feelings of your husband and kids? Why don't you move on so you and your family can be happy again?

When things do not work for me, I use that experience as a learning opportunity. I suggest counseling could help you know why you're sensitive and assume the worst about other people. Why you can't say it was what it was and move on.

You feel how you feel, one can not control how they feel sometimes. I think it was normal for her to want pictures with just mom and dad, but I do find it odd that, given how long you have been married, that there was not also photos taken of you with Dad and bride/groom. But in the end it was her wedding, and although it understandably feels very hurtful, she got the pictures she wanted and you need to find a way to let it go since there is no way to go back and change things. Don't hold a grudge against the people you love most just because your SD did something thoughtless.