Exchange Toys at School

The barter system is alive and well. I wouldn't get too upset about it unless it's a valuable toy. These things happen all the time at school. You could buy it from your son with a snack or something if you want to circumvent the process and hand it back yourself, but I wouldn't make my child feel badly about it. I would just let him know that it wasn't really a "fair" trade, because the candy won't last as long as the toy. And that since the candy only lasted one day, he should be prepared to give it back when he's done playing with it. A day for a day kind of thing.
If he wants to let the trade be more permanent, then maybe he should come up with something of like value and give it to the other boy.

This is not uncommon, especially for boys. They have friends who all have different thoughts about toys and things they like. The kids will go through a lot of different exchanges some fair, some not so fair. My son is now 10 and we still discuss the "trade", its fairness, and whether both parties agree before doing this. This also goes for neighbors who have video games they want to swap for a couple days. It's kind of a pain to keep track of other kids' games, but we do it as a neighborhood so it all stays fair and the kids get the idea. The reasonableness comes with time.

I am struggling with this same situation. You just have to tell them that it is unacceptable to accept a gift from someone, anyone, unless they are a relative and there is a reason for it (such as a birthday etc...)Trust me, it will turn around a bite you if you don't. We just had an issue with $20.00 and my neice had to learn the hard way and give it back and was then grounded on top of it. Communication is key!

Hi A.,
I taught second graders for 6 years before I stayed home with my now 18 month old. From a teacher's perspective, I don't think the school would really want kid's bringing in toys in the first place. For this reason of "trading" toys and also of losing the toy. I do agree, that it's not really a big deal (a small toy and a jawbreaker) but who knows what might be traded next time? Book fair money? I've seen it all, I tell ya. I think it's good to talk to your son, in a calm manner. You're not mad, but want to explain why it's not the best idea. If it continues, you could involve the teacher and he/she could talk to the class about not trading things from home. Best of luck to you!

HI A.
I am really not seeing the big deal about this. Yes-the exchange was a little uneven but I think that at some point you have to let the kids do their thing. (I am assuming it was a small toy-not something new or expensive. If so-then perhaps innappropriate) The bigger problem here is that I think that you are at a real risk of losing communication with your son. He will not trust to tell you anything in the future and you don't want that. I started down that path with my 7 yo son...he would tell me something and I would overreact. He stopped telling me anything important and it was devastating. I would have to find out what was going on at school from his friends parents. I finally changed the way that I communicate with him and it has worked wonders. He is not afraid anymore to tell me things. One thing that I started was what we call "talk time". Its after lights out and prayer when I lie down beside him and he tells me all about his day. I listen and I do not judge. We just talk. He loves this time so much and tells me everything. It has been so great for bonding-we are so close now. Boys communicate much differently than boys and it is important to understand this and adjust or you will lose them.

A., I would feel uncomfortable with an uneven exchange too. I'm not sure how to handle it, other than saying because each child's parents are responsible for them and consequently their belongings, your son needs to check with the other kids parents to see if they agree with the trade. honestly that's the best i've got. Kids have been trading stuff since they had stuff to trade--lunches marbles etc, so in that case maybe it isn't such a big deal, but I'm still not really ok with it.
could your son brainstorm some other ways to show the friend that they are pals??
Tough one.

I went through this with my older boys. Seems no matter how you explain it they won't understand. We've always kept the rule that no toys or candy go to school and no exchanges at all. Many times the parents aren't aware of what's going on and returns have to be made. I don't think there's much more you can do or say. Just set the rule and that's that.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HarrisburgPAChat
chat and events within 2 hour radius

Imo

why many schools have a policy about not bringing in any toys to school and also cause they get lost.

Kids do though trade lunches, toys, etc and really hard to stop or control. Best bet is to make sure they don't take anything to school like a toy, and no extra snacks My oldest does that and gets money.

We had a similar issue with my daughter last year (6 at that time) - she came home with some money one of her friends had given her. It was just change and less than a dollar as I recall, but I just didn't think it was a great idea. Kids do like to share and trade, which I think is probably OK for things like snacks or stickers, etc. I talked to my daughter about the fact that we don't want our friends to think that we only like them because they give us things, and that even though it was only a small amount of money something like that could get out of hand easily. At first she didn't want to talk much about it either, but I don't think she knew on her own that it wasn't a great thing - she quickly got that I wasn't thrilled with it though, and so I think she felt bad. I just stressed that I know she didn't tell her friend she had to give her money and that it was a nice gesture on her friend's part, but that it just wasn't a good idea. I also did contact the other mom, just to let her know the money would be coming back and she totally understood (she hadn't even known about the money).

The good thing in our case was that it opened up a discussion about what a real friend is, how we treat our friends, etc. I stressed to my daughter that she hadn't done anything wrong and helped her understand how to graciously decline similar offers in the future. We also have had kids in the class who say I'll only be your friend if you do what I want, and we just apply the same principles there - real friends like us for who we are and how we treat them, not what we give them or do for them, etc.

It can be a sticky situation, but go with your gut and just try to help your son understand where you're coming from. Maybe turn the situation around and see how he would feel if he were on the other side of it. Good luck.

I am failing to see problem here. I guess I can understand that it starts small (small toy for candy), which could turn into something bigger. But, honestly, kids kinda need to learn "fairness"...and to each his own. Maybe to this child, a candy was more than fair for his toy. My concern lies in where it goes from material thing to material thing, to something intangeable. For instance, my daughter (6 yrs old) was given money to buy snacks at their in-school bake sale (at least $5). When she came home from school, I asked her what she had bought, and she said a cookie or brownie. Then I asked for my change back, to which she replied, it's all gone. I asked "A cookie was $5?!?!?" Then she told me that her friend, who didn't have any money asked to borrow some, and in return she would be her friend and play with her at recess. That's when I lost it! I tried to explain that no one is to attempt to buy or trade for your friendship/love/acceptance. Long story short, I think it's harmless when kids trade small things, it is when your child or another child gets taken advantage of when it becomes an issue that needs to addressed. Like another mom mentioned, I think you risk losing your son being able to confide in you when something major does happen, over this "small" thing right now. Either way, good luck to you. =)

A.,
My son is in Kindergarten and has started this too. I think boys are more secretive about their day's activities and I feel like I question him a lot! If I stop questioning, he seems to volunteer more--eventually.
Anyway it seems the kids have started this as well. I hear things like "so and So gave me that sticker" "Billy gave me his pencil" etc. He has begun taking those little squishy animals (from the gum ball machines that ALL the kids seems to collect) to school to "trade" them, but he ends up just giving them to his friends! It makes me feel good to know he has a good heart and wants to give things to others. I figure it's not that big of a deal and f it IS a problem, the teacher will let the parents know about it.

A.,

I also had similiar issue with my son this year..where one of his friends was giving him stuff, bagugon cards and a toy..I chat with my son about it. Told him that a card was ok but that a toy he could keep for a few days but that it had to be returned because we didn't know if his mom or dad said it was ok. He was a little mad at first but we just chatted about it and when it was time to give it back he was really done playing with it anyway and was ok about giving it back.

I agree they don't need to really trade especially during school hours, but maybe it would be a fun way to get the boys together and have a trade session after school..they each get new things to play with and the rules could include a change to switch back after a certain amount of time say a week.