Ex-Mother-In-Law Problems

Updated on July 14, 2008
C.R. asks from Turlock, CA
3 answers

My two younger boys, ages 10 and 9, have went to visit their grandma (and my ex-mother-in-law) for the summer in WA. state. I get along with her and I do love her and she loves the boys. But, I have two other children by my first husband, they are 17 and 16yr. old. She tells the two younger ones that go visit that the older brother and sister are not their "real" brother or sister and makes sure they know they are their "half-brother/sister", which they already know but, I am raising all of them by myself and this really bothers me because when they are here they are all brothers and sister. What should I say to her to make her stop? I don't want to step on her toes but, I think because the older two are not her "real" grandkids she is really making a big deal out of this--- any suggestions?

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So What Happened?

Thanks for all your advice. My children are coming back Aug. 3rd so, if it is brought up when they come back, I will confront her with it and I will let you know the outcome. Last year it was brought up when they returned so I know it will be brought up again by the boys if she said it again. I will not ask them, because as a parent I do not drill my kids for info, I don't think it's right and I wouldn't like someone doing that to them. But, I will let you know because you know how kids are, if it was drilled into them this time, it will come out again. Will keep you updated and thanks again for your advice. C. R

More Answers

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C.M.

answers from San Francisco on

I would absolutely NOT leave it alone. Isn't their life hard enough having gone through divorces that now they have someone telling them who their family is? That's confusing and cruel.

I would call her and tell her that it is not necessary for her to explain to the children that their brothers and sisters are half's... and guess what... they are REAL brothers and sisters... they all share the same mother...my god.. what if you adopted... she'd really get into it...

I wouldn't worry about stepping on her toes... she just stepped on your foot!

Again... just tell her that you don't' want her explaining it any further. If she gets worked up over it... then that's her problem... if she's such a great person... then she'll just say something like "wow... I'm sorry...I won't do that anymore."... not defend HER point of view over YOUR children...

good luck...

2 moms found this helpful
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M.S.

answers from San Francisco on

C.,

I would leave it alone for now. But if she mentions it again to your children, contact her and tell her that while you appreciate her love for your younger children, she needs to respect and acknowledge the older ones. Explain to her that you don't see them as step-children and neither do your children. It is confusing and downright rude to consistently point out that they are not her "real" grand children. See what she says-she may be dealing with her feelings without thinking about how it affects others around her.

Take care- I know this must be so hard~

Molly

1 mom found this helpful
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T.V.

answers from San Francisco on

Hello C.,

What is troublesome is that your 16 and 17 year olds were little when you were married a second time. How did your mother-in-law treat them before her "real" grandchildren came along? Did she treat them like non-family members, or like a grandmother should treat grandchildren?

If grandmother's love is sincere and healthy for your family (your WHOLE family), she will understand when you tell her that you NEED all your children to be referred to as BROTHERS and SISTERS period, whether you are present or not.

If she does it again, I would consider having her visit the children at your home only, so you can monitor what's being said. If she asks why, tell her.

1 mom found this helpful
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