Ever Turned down Request to Write Character Letter?

I have. I just told the person, "I wish I knew you better so that I could write the letter, but I just feel that we haven't known one another long enough for me to be a good reference."

I've been asked to write lots of reference letters for students and previous employees.

I wouldn't do it if they don't tell me what it's for.

If you decide to do it, just stick to truthful honest facts...

i.e. I have only known ________for 4 months, however, in that time, she has shown the following characteristics (name each and give an example)

I haven't turned anyone down, but I've been turned down. The person just said they didn't know me well enough to go into the detail necessary. It hurt me slightly, but I accepted that answer, and looking back, I think they were right. I would rather have someone else write a glowing reference than have someone write a vague one because they aren't quite sure what to say.

I would simply say. We have only known each other for four months. Most places want a year or longer relationship to even consider the letter, so perhaps it would be best to find someone you have had a longer relationship with to ensure the letter is taken seriously and give you the hest chance possible for whatever you are trying to achieve. Do not apologize for this and don't get talked into it.

IMO 4 months is not long enough to know someone's character. I would just let them know that I was uncomfortable with this. If they can't tell you what it is for, then no letter. Could it be for a new job? Heck it could be for a judge!

In your situation...

"Sorry ______... but I don't feel that I am qualified to give you an accurate character letter. I have only known you for 4 months, and typically employers want someone who has known you for at least a year. It would be a poor reflection on the both of us if you turned in a character letter from me."

IF the person pesters you, or tries to talk you into it, I would just cut them short and say, "I'm sorry, but I don't know you well enough to write the letter. You are putting me in an uncomfortable position by asking me again, and it really isn't helping my opinion of the character you want me to write about so badly!"

That should shut 'm up! lol.

~I realize that the letter could possibly be (and most likely is) for something other than employment... but if the person is not willing to disclose where the letter is GOING then I would let the person *think* I assume it's for a job. I don't know the person... but if someone tells me that they can't tell me WHY they need a character letter, then I automatically assume some legal issue... and I would need more info on the situation before deciding if I am willing (and if they deserve for me) to help them or not.

If its secret, and they've only known you 4 months - it's likely for drug or alcohol court/treatment.

I would write one (yah for the 4 months sober), but keep it SUPER vague.

"I have known Pat since March, 2012. In that time Pat has shown responsibility for showing up on time and generosity. One time, Pat offered to let my dog out when I was stuck at work."

Tell whoever it is that a character letter needs to come from someone they've known long term, otherwise it will carry little weight with whoever it is that's requesting it, and you'd hate to decrease their chances at the opportunity.

IF s/he insists, clearly state in the letter that you've only known him/her for 4 months.

I haven't had to turn anyone down, but I have done the "vague" letter! Lol

i'd request to know what its for. if its nothing that can hurt you...as in they need a reference letter to get into school I';d write it, if its for a business you deal with and their possible crappy performance could hurt you i'd decline in a nice way

I was asked once to write a character letter for a custody case and turned it down. The primary reason was that I was working for a school district at the time and our attorney advised against it for many reasons, all of which were valid. As he said, if your thoughts are essential to the case, they'll call you into court, which they eventually did.

Would I write a character letter for someone after 4 months? Maybe. It would depend on how well I knew the person in that period of time and under what circumstances. Would I write a letter without knowing the purpose? Absolutely not.

I like Barb A's suggestion and would second the fact that you do NOT need to apologize. This person must have someone who has known him or her longer who can write the letter!

I would simply say you do not know them well enough to write a character letter for an unknown audience and do not feel comfortable writing it.

You are allowed to say no. Especially if they are not close enough to tell you what it's for. I've written letter for custody cases and been interviewed for background investigations. If I don't know the person well, it could actually be a detriment to the person.

I won't write one if I don't know what it's for.

I also won't write one if I can't say anything positive.

"I'm sorry, I don't feel comfortable writing a character letter when I don't know who the receiver will be."

"I'm sorry, I know it's important for you but we've only known each other a very short time."

"I'm sorry, I've thought about it and my answer is no." Go with the simplest response and don't give any explanation at all. You're not obligated to give one. If they're kind and polite they won't ask why. If they do ask why, then you say, "I've already told you no. It's time to change the subject."

I have not ever had to turn someone down, I wrote one on behalf of my sister for child custody, fortunately they worked something out without needing the letter. But if someone asked me that I had known for 4 months and wouldn't tell me what it was for I would decline. The other responders have given some good examples of a way to do that gently and politely. But I would definitely feel that if they couldn't share that info with me then maybe there is more to their character that I need to know about before I write a letter like that. Maybe that seems judge-y of me but I would not feel comfortable vouching for someone on an issue that they "can't" tell me about.

If the person "can't tell [you] what it's for, it's probably a criminal matter. They want to show these letters to the judge to help them at time of sentencing.

I was asked one time to write one for the son of a former neighbor. I hadn't seen the kid in almost 10 years so I just told them that I couldn't do it because I just didn't know him well enough anymore.

If you feel comfortable doing it, then do so. Start off letting the reader know that you've only known X for 4 months, but in that time you have found him/her to be blah, blah, blah.

As faculty, I used to have to write letters of recommendation for students. There were times when I couldn't honestly write glowing letters. I let them know that in addition to strengths I would have to cite issues I saw as weaknesses in their work and that they might wish to ask someone who could write a more detailed, glowing letter about them. For this person, you may say that you will have to reveal in your letter that you've known them for such a short time and that may impact the overall message. You may also point out that if you don't know what the letter is for then you cannot write a letter that will be effective and that you may not be the best person for the job. If they still want you to do it, they at least know where you stand.

Once for a babysittter. She was a terrible sitter and only sat for us a couple times one year before I figured her out. I knew her family, that's why we used her. She was going off to college and asked for a letter, and I said no thank you for my own personal reasons. I think she got the picture.

. Cheryl B. said it well, if they don't know then perhaps it is a criminal matter. How can one ask for a letter and then say they don't know? We have written generic letters for people but I feel uncomfortable not having straight up info. Because what you might say for one institution or issue might not be what is necessary for another Just say you don't have time or that you have some of your own issues at the time and might not be reliable for a follow up.